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Where to start. So I don't end up back here.
June 6, 2000
5:21 pm
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EllynV
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September 24, 2010
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I'm 31 and am in the middle of a divorce. I though that I would be the last person to get one. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. But I'm not here to talk about him. It's me. He is the second alcoholic I have been involved with. I have a fourteen month old baby boy. And I have a lot of things to take care of in my own life. Such as going back to school to get my degree so I can earn enough money to support my son and myself. The problem here is I don't want to end up in another relationship as me being the codependent. Where do you start to change the behaviors you have been doing for years. And sometimes I don't even see what the bad behaviors are. I just know that I haven't been happy with myself or even know who myself is. I know I don't want to give up my interest in life, for someone else again. But I thought that the last time. I am older and a little wiser, I think. I do go to Al-anon, that helps quite a bit. But I'm still scared that the next relationship will start out great and the next thing I know I'm right back in a relationship like the last two. I'm not going to be dating for awhile, but during this time, I want to change the bad behaviors. So that the next time I will know the warning signs to look out for. I would greatly appreciate any advice from someone who has been down the path that I am about to embark on. One thing I know that I have to build myself esteem back up. And quit feeling guilty all the time.

June 6, 2000
8:10 pm
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Spirit
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EllynV: Youu owe it to yourself and your son to be the best you you can be. You already know that. What you may be missing is the why of it all: Because you are worth the effort to make the changes necessary, inside of you. I gather you feel you gave up your interest in life so you could be with this man you are now divorcing. You are not alone. When we are young and dumb, we tend to give away all that we hold dear, just so some one will hold us dear. Never works out, does it?

Stay true to the you, deep inside. You sound like a wise woman who has learned many lessons in 31 years. Do not discount any of them. What will you be going back to school to learn? Is it something you have a burning desire to learn and use in this lifetime? Don't forget, your son's father will have to fork over support money, so you don't have to do it all by yourself. And, you don't have to raise your son all by yourself. There are many places that you can turn to for help, such as, a foster grandparent program, or even your own family. Also, there are wonderful daycare centers at most colleges and universities. If you attend a church, you should find some one there who is willing to lend a hand. Just don't think you are in this all alone. Reach out. You'll be surprised at the warm reception waiting for you. May peace be your reward as you prepare for another of life's journeys. (We are blessed to have many of them.)

June 6, 2000
9:08 pm
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voxsusana
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I do understand how difficult it can be choosing the wrong relationships and feeling like you don't have any control over it. I know that therapy has helped me greatly over the past few years and I am now happily married. I still have behaviors that I want to overcome, but I know that having someone to talk to has been the best thing for me. I recommend it. It's different than talking to a friend. A therapist can really help in ways that friends can't. And, if you're worried about the money, there are so many clinics you can go to that have reduced fees and incredibly caring therapists that want to help you through this. Give it a try. It's a great place to start.

June 7, 2000
12:43 pm
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Brenda
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September 27, 2010
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You need to understand yourself, the things that you do (patterns) your feelings and behaviours associated with them, before you can recognise any patterns....you should be looking to yourself first before anyone else. The personal growth comes first then you will have the eyes to see the old attractions and avoid them, better yet, if you have done enough work for long enough, THEY WILL AVOID YOU.
god bless

June 10, 2000
2:07 pm
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janes
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September 24, 2010
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A good resource (other than your therapist whom you are going to find immediately if not sooner) is Melody Beattie's book "codependnet no More" Read it. rereadit. memorize it etc. get two copies.

like the others said...stay true to yourself,

seek and you will find. Remember you need no one else to make you whole. Once you are whole you will meet another whole person who is on the same search you are.

Get a sitter, go to a bookstore (before or after you counseling appt.) and take some time in the self help area to research and search for resources that you can have at your fingertips day and night.

Good luck Talk to you later.

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