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Where the afghan is needed......
October 27, 2006
7:34 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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30 minutes is way too long...I can't take it...Loving you lots..

October 27, 2006
7:41 pm
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ggfred4
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I am back, I had to do that to be accountable to myself because I had to go and knew I would not tell if I had that break....sorry, I did that to you...now you are you able to hang around? I will understand, believe me, 4 kids, I understand.

October 27, 2006
7:50 pm
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ggfred4
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Losing my nerve, but whatever is meant to be is meant to be...

LL, our sisterhood is growing and yes, you can be the "big" sister if that makes you feel good! I don't want to be the middle either...Mich, can we share twin youngest??? Maybe we have our own sorority going on here. I was the middle child, two older brothers and two younger sisters. So,I have been the big sister and the middle child, been there done that, over with it...I want to be the young one! LOL

October 27, 2006
7:53 pm
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ggfred4
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going from wimp back to big wuss here,,,finally got brave and no one around..

October 27, 2006
8:01 pm
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cyndra820
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GG,
Very funny. We're here. Mich may have gone to take care of one of the little ones. You may want to wait until she returns or you can go ahead and she can read it when she comes back in a few.

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
8:05 pm
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ggfred4
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cyndra, are you okay with being the middle sister? That is the only spot open!!!

October 27, 2006
8:10 pm
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cyndra820
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GG,

I'm an only child. I'm okay with having sisters. Where I fall into the birth order matters little for me. I'm just tickled pink you all consider me a sister!!!

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
8:14 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am here, GG. Spill it. Please...it will be good for you..

October 27, 2006
8:17 pm
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ggfred4
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Cyndra and Mich, I know some threads are deemed private, but because you are now my sisters, I read both of yours on the liberation side...my heart has two breaks right now...

October 27, 2006
8:21 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mine has one sweetie and it is for you. My sister, you have a place in my heart that I cannot explain. People may think I am crazy if I said how I feel about my newfound cyber sisters. PLEASE talk honey. I think that it will make you feel better. Don't worry about me right now, this is GG's time. Please, empty that hurt, lay it on the floor and stomp the shit out of it. It doesn't have to be a secret anymore GG. You have people that ARE going to love you no matter what. Me, Cyndra, LL, we are all going to.

October 27, 2006
8:24 pm
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cyndra820
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GG,

My thread wasn't private. I posted it there because I needed to let it out and I didn't want to take up space here.

I felt so good finally coming clean!!! If no one had read it and commented I still would have felt good. Letting go of something that's eating away at your soul is liberating.

Thanks for feeling sympathy for what happened to me.

October 27, 2006
8:24 pm
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ggfred4
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Mich, my issue is the past, and your is urgent and present...I have opened my heart to you and can't imagine my life without you... my stuff is irrelevant,I am sorry...

October 27, 2006
8:32 pm
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ggfred4
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are you both mad at me?

October 27, 2006
8:32 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

That was the past too. I posted it for LL, because she talked about where she was a year ago. That letter to my h was written almost a year ago. If you read it carefully, it really is about my past. That is how my past has affected me. Right now, I am worried about you and I REALLY wish that you would tell me what it is that you are keeping in. It would make me feel better to know that you are getting better. I am VERY worried about you. Yes, I still have some of those feelings, but, it's ok, GG. It is amking me feel better to talk to others and try to help them. Help me, and let me help you...please. I will hold your hands. Picture us, sitting on the couch, covered in the afghan, facing each other...I am holding both of your hands, and you are talking to me...telling me what is on your mind. Tears most likely running down both of our faces...as they should be. Do you see a look of disappointment on my face? NO...Am I still holding you yes. I just hug you tighter, and you feel better because it is out, and we feel that much closer because of the trust that was shared. I love you GG, and that is EXACTLY how it would go. I am right here, and I ALWAYS will be.

October 27, 2006
8:35 pm
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ggfred4
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Gosh mich, you are the best friend anyone could have...I am going to do this, haven't told a single soul in my entire life...going to type it now.

October 27, 2006
8:38 pm
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cyndra820
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GG,

Why would anyone be mad at you? You haven't done anything wrong. AND YOU ARE NOT INSIGNIFICANT!!! You are member of the sisterhood, a very essential part of the sisterhood.

No more talk of this insignificant, or unworthy, stuff. No more!!!

Love you.

Cyn

October 27, 2006
8:41 pm
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ggfred4
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When I was 18 and starting college, my dad got transferred to a city 2 1/2 hours away...yippee...of course, I did not move...going to college, working parti-time and that is where I met my future husband...He is 7 years older than me, had a college degree, was a gentleman, appeared SAFE,but was going through a divorce. His wife of 2 years dumped in on his National Guard weekend for one of his "friends". Everyone at work wanted to cheer him up, so we all started going out together, movies,bars, etc. Eventually it narrowed down to us two. He is "very Catholic" and does not believe in divorce, therefore, no marriage again. He ended up getting an annulment through the church because they had no children and whatever other reasons. We dated for 5 years...We NEVER had sex...With my background of abuse, that made me trust him more and knew he was safe...We did play around,okay! Well, the last two years of dating, I was ready for marriage, I loved him and was interested in no one else. He never wanted to date anyone either, but he couldn't and wouldn't commit to me. SHIT, this is hard...sending this part to get you started

October 27, 2006
8:43 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am still holding you GG. It is ok...

October 27, 2006
8:46 pm
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cyndra820
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GG,

Mich is holding you under the afghan. She's got you. Keep talk, gf. It's okay.

October 27, 2006
8:48 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Look me in the face GG, I am still here, and still holding you. My tears fall because I see your pain, but I so want you to feel better. I am right here holding you GG, talk when you catch your breath

October 27, 2006
8:55 pm
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ggfred4
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I even moved away for a year, but couldn't stay away from him. He didn't date anyone either. He would not ask me to marry him and told me when I asked that he wasn't ready. He was now 29! So yes, I was getting desperate, wanted no one but him, pursued him (how sick), and I not him, pursued sex, but he would always stop it...

Gosh, I am so ashamed now..Well, not going to get graphic, but just use your imagination...

Well, I have NEVER been regular in my entire life...but he didn't know that.so, out of desperation, I told him one Oct. (oh,it is the anniversary month, being cocky)that I was late having my period. He freaked...I knew I was in deep shit now. I never told him that was normal. They didn't have all those pregnancy tests or at least I didn't know that. He decided that night that he HAD to marry me and do the right thing. We had to go and tell a priest, so humiliating...but the priest was really understanding and nice. One month later, small marriage. Three 1/2 years later after 2 surgeries, daily temp. taking, fertility drugs, fertility specialists, I had my baby boy. My husband thinks my body miscarried, we never talked about it.

So, he has told me he loves me twice in 27 years of marriage, NEVER kisses me, and I feel this is my punishment. Because I know he would never divorce me, I never knew how he felt about the whole thing. He is a fantastic father, who shows his kids all kinds of affection, but not to his wife. I almost left him twice in the last 8 years when my past caught up with me about my dad, the babysitting dad, and my brother...

Mich, I yearn to be held but wouldn't know what it is like therefore it is uncomfortable... I knew my husband liked me and respected me as a mother and teacher, but I know he is not "in love" with me. We are like roommates in this house.

But, since my youngest just moved out, he has been trying...realizing he is now stuck with just me,,,but I am enjoying attention that I have never gotten from him. Of course, he thinks sex, means, I love you...we have a lot of work to do.

So, there is my confession...I trapped my husband into marriage and he doesn't even know...I am such a liar...

October 27, 2006
8:58 pm
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ggfred4
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and one last confession:

October 27, 2006
8:59 pm
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ggfred4
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this is the hardest

October 27, 2006
8:59 pm
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ggfred4
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please hold me close mich

October 27, 2006
9:00 pm
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ggfred4
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are you still here, let me know, i need you

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