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Where the afghan is needed......
October 27, 2006
4:19 pm
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ggfred4
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LL, your last sentence really hit me hard..."We truly do have something special here".

I have never felt such a special relationship like this and I think it kind of scares me, letting my guard down, trusting, fearing abandonment, etc. LL, I don't know how I will be able to pass step 3 in coda with my attitude...

Mich, I am so sorry for causing you any problems the last 24 hours, yet as I feel the need to say that, I would not want you to apologize ever to me...what is with me and this double standard???

I don't think I am going to get out of this stink until I puke up (that's LL's idea!) what's inside...It is my pain...if you think I am pathetic, been there, done that, know it...here goes, before I chicken out...

GG's crappy closet is still a mess, part II:
1.I have actually had a bad headache for 13 days nonstop, awaiting tests results, dr.finally called this a.m., and said that I wouldn't get results back now until next week. My eye area is still going numb, and just plain have no energy, feel like crap...This has to be resolved b4 I go to big city in 2 weeks from today for the big preop workup...None of this timeline can change due to my allotted sick days for work...
2.And yes, starting to get nervous about the surgery and spending surgery night alone in a city far from home. (told you I am a wuss)If there is anyway I can bring a laptop to have a connection with you, I will, because I will need you all so much.
3.Think I told you that my daughter is having back problems and seems she has a mild form of spinal bifida, yes, now, it seems she got it from me and explains some problems of mine. Well, now my children all have to have genetic testing b4 having children...Yea, like all pregnancies are planned! Two days ago, they are referring my daughter to another back specialist because they found something irregular and not sure yet...they are talking about back surgery on my little petite, precious girl...
4.I changed jobs 2 years ago, left a great job just to increase our family income. My husband hates his job and has made no move to change, just gripes. I am having issues with the new job/relationships, etc...but that is another time...trying not to write a novel here. I also gave up my car to make this change. WHY? I am supporting four kids in college now and it is breaking me. But, I will do what it takes for my kids to achieve their education.
5.Other daughter I fear may be codep. too, trying to change a "bad boy" and improve his life while bringing hers down. This is my one who is gifted, on full scholarship,athletic, etc...Have no idea where she is living...can't talk about that now
6.You all know that my dad sexually abused me and I really think I have blocked a lot, because bits and pieced keep appearing in the last few years...I still FEAR the man...They came to town last week for one day and I felt like I was 8 years old. He does not know I remember...I think my mom is clueless...I stay away as much as possible...My brothers and sisters to whom I have no bond think I am mean for not staying close since my dad now has colon cancer...hate vs.guilt constantly...My mom called me last night and I didn't answer until after the 4th call. Before I started remembering things, I thought I had the sweetest mom; now I am mad at her for letting my dad stay with me in the hospitals, bathe me, lay with me whenever I was sick, whipped me with no clothes on, and do all the things she thought was helping HER out...He still tries to kiss me on the lips...Yes, he still has a control over me. Yes, he has cancer, yes, I am so confused about it all.

I think that this is enough, and yes, mich, I need you now more than ever to hold me, feeling really vulnerable...Please don't leave me...this is my pain...Yes, I am embarrassed, but mich, you made me feel better...love you

October 27, 2006
4:21 pm
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lovinglife
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(((Need))), yes you are never alone in here, and the wonderful afghan (made with love by Cyndra) is for all in need of it. Sometimes there are a few us wrapped up in it or like me-took it and run with it for a few moments this a.m. : ) and it felt really good may I say...

Mich- please don't ever think I wouldn't want to be apart, or share in anything that has to do with you- your my sister here....speaking of where's is our other one??? Just because she thinks she is our *older sister* doesn't mean that what applies to the rest of us, doesn't apply to her as well. Wait, isn't it the youngest who always thinks they can get away with stuff??? Whatever- in here there is no oldest to youngest privileges!! And when someones REALLY steps out of line and we cant get it figured out ourselves- we have two Ma's around here to straighten us out!!

October 27, 2006
4:22 pm
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lovinglife
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oh, look there she is!! we crossed posted : )

October 27, 2006
4:24 pm
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lovinglife
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wait, just thought of something...I am the middle child!!! shooot...

October 27, 2006
4:37 pm
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ggfred4
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LL, I have been missing you SO MUCH...forgot to write that.

October 27, 2006
4:38 pm
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lovinglife
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GG~ I hope in many ways the you do feel better having wrote that out and shared many of your fears and pain with us...I know how hard it is…right now you may be feeling very vulnerable at the moment - just hang in there- know that you are loved heard in here.

Now the last time , part 1, I didn’t respond to right away but told you I would and did. Remember that, k. Just like I haven’t read Mich’s letter yet because I want to make sure that my heart, mind soul is there while reading and responding, my response to both of you will be here : )

Right now I am going to try to get a few hours of sleep…don’t look the prettiest with puffy (from early morning crying) and bags (from lack of sleep – exH stress) eyes!

Love you both – and all : )

October 27, 2006
4:39 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

I am holding you tighter than I ever have right now. I love you sweetie. You have so much crap going on. I am so sorry. Yet, nevermind, would have been negative, so will skip that comment. Why do you think that wasn't worth sharing? HOney, you have EVERY reason to be a mess. That is a lot to have on ones plate. I would have been crying days ago. Maybe even months. I have more to say but I want to post this because I want you to know that I am here, that I care and that I love you. With all of my heart.

Mich

LL,

I posted it over there.

October 27, 2006
4:50 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks LL for making me feel so welcome.....

GG-- I hope that you will be feeling better and soon... 12 days straight with a headache.. and plus the numbness you feel above your eye... oh sweetie... i wish that i could somehow take all that pain away for you...

Thanks again.... and I will check back here later after work...

love and hugs to all

October 27, 2006
4:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG, hey love, where did you go? Are you ok? Feeling any relief at all? I know you feel vulnerable, but it is ok. We are all still right here. And I told you that I am holding you closer than I ever have right now. I am glad that you finally let it all out. If you come up with some more, spit that out too. I just want to see you happy. Keep your chin up.

October 27, 2006
5:08 pm
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lovinglife
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it's me again..the oldest will be here to pick up Daisy & Nixon earlier than normal so instead of falling all asleep and get woke up before my time is due...I came back here...

I wonder if GG took off with the afghan like I did this morning...hmmmmm if she did she can only be away for so long with it because what I experienced this morning -- it just didn't feel the same with being all alone with it- almost like it needs others to feel its comfort and strength...

Oh GG...

October 27, 2006
5:21 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

Miss you, and I hope all is ok, with you and with the oldest sister. I hope she is ok. I love her to pieces, and she worries me. The youngest is usually a brat. that would be me.

October 27, 2006
5:35 pm
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lovinglife
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Mich I'm here...ex just called...have to share something funny while we're waiting for GG to give us a sign of life : ) but first (((GG)))

GG I’m hoping that you just got busy and not that you’re doing any type of beating of yourself up for sharing-....remember how YOU FELT when Mich shared something very troubling within her and felt like we were going to abandon her...you still loved her, you wanted to hold her (which you did) and wanted her to know that you were here for her. Possibly why you felt so safe in sharing is because YOU didn’t look down on Mich whatsoever- your heart was completely there for her. So maybe while you were writing you knew within your whole heart that we wouldn’t do that either to you but after you posted you forgot that you were safe here??? Does that makes sense?

Gosh, sharing our souls with each us- is scary, does makes us feel vulnerable- esp when it’s not something we’re used to doing. You just had you a big one here for you. And the reason why it’s scary once we let it out is because there was a reason why felt like we needed to keep it in. If we didn’t feel like we needed to keep it in- there wouldn’t be such a problem with letting it out? Does anything I just said but any sense to any one other than me?!!

October 27, 2006
5:39 pm
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ggfred4
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Hey sisters, please,please don't call me the oldest sister...just sister will be fine...

I am going to be honest again,,,gosh, lying is so much easier...I feel so vulnerable awaiting sentence...like that is your past, deal with it, move on, etc...things others have told me...
yet, I don't feel judged by you...this is all so new to me...

I really can't believe I have physically felt this bad for so long and that is not a good setting for everything else...Waiting for answers is not helping either...

I don't want to ever take the afghan LL, I only share it...well, isn't that an eye opener!...I have been keeping my feelings to myself like keeping an afghan to myself, but yet it is more comfortable sharing them both with people you trust and care...Be patient with me my sisters, it is so hard for me to talk about myself and to trust...You both and everyone on this site seem too good to be true...It is like a dream...

Yes, LL, I do feel better after puking my guts...you may have to remind me of that later down the road...Do you want to bonk me on the head now? I have a feeling this is coming...When is your next MEETING???

Mich, I couldn't have made this last 24 hours without you holding me....I love you so much...and guess what???
I didn't do anything bad to myself...did you hear that LL???It was a battle last night...

Gotta go...talk later...hopefully still a sister after all of this...GG

October 27, 2006
5:44 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Always a sister after all of this. I love you GG. You will always be a sister to me. I am so glad you talked. It might seem too good to be true. But, it isn't....I promise. LL, and I are real life people, we cried real tears here, and everything else...the afghan and the couch may be virtual but the love is not. Niether are my hugs. You mean the world to me. I hope you believe that.

October 27, 2006
5:48 pm
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cyndra820
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((((GG))))

You have a lot going on!!!

Why did you think that wasn't worth sharing? Whatever you have going on is worth sharing. You can unload or puke whenever you want. We are here for support.

I love you even more for being brave enough to let all of that out. Mich has you and will hold you until you don't need to be held anymore.

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
5:52 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Cyndra,

Good to see you. I missed you today. I just love GG. I gave up trying to figure out the bold and italics. Thanks for trying to help me though. I am SO computer illiterate.

October 27, 2006
6:03 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi Mich,

I posted earlier about being sad, but I think GG needs us more than I need to gripe about being sad. I can gripe later.

GG, when you read this remember I love you. You are my friend. I think you are brave and wonderful.

I'm sorry your children have to have genetic testing before getting pregnant. I agree that not all pregnancies are planned, but your children can have their genetic testing now and know their information.

When my xh and I were struggling to conceive (story for another time, trust me) we had it done. I found out I carry two blood disorders. How's that for fan-fucking-tastic? So, knowing your information helps.

I'm sorry your daughter may have to have surgery and the other is thinking she can reform a bad boy. Tell her that Lowe's has better projects and she can keep those!
😀

Okay, I'm done being a smart-butt!!

I love you and you will always be my sisters.

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
6:26 pm
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lovinglife
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ok sister GG....if you don't want to be the oldest sis of the bunch- I'm grabbing the title : ) I’ve never been a big sister and I didn’t even have sisters to be a sister to before you guys - I'm the youngest with two older brothers- so yea!!

And yes, GG, can only speak for myself here, but there are many feelings that are new to me that I have never felt before- really. One thing is I have not done the mental beating up of myself for maybe a month now??? Not having all those negative thoughts about myself always floating in my head yes is a little weird- and I like it this new feeling.

And yes at first you feel vulnerable and like you said awaiting the sentencing...for me it's always been words from the exH..."Your life isn't that bad… you could have had it much worse…it’s nothing but drama with you…” Or the famous… “SHUT UP.” Somewhere down the line, someone told us or we told our selves or something told us it’s safe not to share because if we do- it’s like a death sentence to our precious fragile soul.

And totally with ya sis, “You both and everyone on this site seem too good to be true...It is like a dream...” but its not a dream - its truly the people on this site that makes it what it is. We're real people! We are real people with real hurts/pains and real people that care about others.

And GG I think might be done bonking you on the head... I think you just may have the strength to start your own bonking of your head…(that’s what I do now if I need to)…but just in case you’re not quite there yet…you bet hon, we all are here for each other to give much needed bonks if the occasion calls for it : )

Alright- this time I really am going to get a few hours of sleep – my son JUST came and got the kids (the normal time- go figure) but amazing how things have their reasons for happening.

Love you all! So I am the only one so far that has run off with the afghan??!! Got to work on that one- being comfortable with others hugging/holding me- that doesn’t even sound right or comfortable. Looks like I still have some work to do in that department. Hey GG- if I take off with it again- it will be your turn to bonk me on the head!!

October 27, 2006
6:28 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Cyndra,

Your afghan made its way to a thread of its own...how funny is that? Did you ever imagine that could happen? Did you have any idea how importand and comforting that afhgan would be? You brought a very special thing into all of our lives? Two actually...the afghan and another sister. You are sweet. I have been posting some feelings on other threads today...HUGE one in libs. But, I have been around...Hope all is well. If you need to spill it tonight than you do it. I am here.

GG,

Where are you at sis? Missin you, but still holding you VERY tight. I love you tons.

October 27, 2006
6:38 pm
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lovinglife
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I'm the big sister!!

((((Cyndra)))) I read your post earlier about being sad today- you sounded like you were really handling it well - and in no need of any hugs... hmmmmm Cyndra...this might be something that might have to be brought up and the next family meeting...

And Mich, I think I'm going to print off your letter and bring it to work tonight to read, if that is ok with you...

Alright - seriously-- I'm out!!

October 27, 2006
6:41 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL, do what you want with it. I don't care if you don't read it at all.

You guys are crazy. If you guys would get comfortable with being held you would want it all the time. At least when you are hurting. Which for me lately is all the time.

GG, Good thing you got your cuddly sister. I will still hold you. As much as you need. I am good for it, I promise. These other two, we'll shape them up sooner or later.

Love you all

October 27, 2006
6:45 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi Mich,

I'm still here. I've just got off the eliptical machine. I'm having such a shitty day that I needed a really hard workout today.

I had to face the fact that my xso has control issues. Some of them come from his cultural background, but part of it is the way his father treats his mother.

I remembered an incident early on in our relationship where I had been talking about my xh and his nephews. I was really close to the boys and I was missing them. My xso got jealous! He got into a real snit. I didn't understand it. He wrote me this e-mail that was incredibly cold and I had him explain it. That was the beginning because after that I rarely talked about my xh and his family, and when I did it was something negative.

It was almost like I wasn't allowed to have a happy memory that wasn't associated with him or in the present. Yet I endured two years of his talking about his ex-girlfriends for hours on end. I remember one night he talked about his relationships with three different women for an hour and a half. I made appropriate noises, but I was far from happy hearing about them.

So, that had me exercising. I wanted to call and scream on him telling him that he is a selfish, inconsiderate ass. There were a few other choice phrases in there as well. I worked out and then posted here instead. Much better for me.

Okay, I've vented. Going to eat my dinner now. I'll be back in a bit.

Love you all very much. Thanks for letting me vent about FIB.

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
6:49 pm
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lovinglife
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ok then I will bring it with me to work...and I do care to read it even if you don't care if I read it -so there!!

Is this what its like having sisters?? I love it : )

October 27, 2006
7:03 pm
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ggfred4
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Gosh, LL, you make me feel normal...You help me understand my feelings so much...LL, you didn't run off with afghan, sister, we were with you crying, laying down with you, whether you liked it or not...This afghan, a gift from our dear cyndra, was never meant to be used alone...

Mich, my dear mich, You are the one who made me feel safe and comfortable enough to even say the words, "hold me", in my life. This has helped me so much...

Gosh, in two hours I will be able to take another new pill and hoping for a miracle...

Sisters, I am feeling the bravest I have ever felt in my life right now; I have gone from big wuss to just a wimp...(not really that brave yet, don't get your hopes up) I have something else to tell you while I am brave and am finding out that you are not going to leave me for my past. I did something bad in my past too, mich...I am so ashamed and NO ONE knows...I have kept it a secret for 27 years...I want to tell you mich, especially since you were brave and told me yours...

But, I have to go to the store, but will be back in 30 minutes...I promise. Love you,,,GG

October 27, 2006
7:11 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

Is this like watching deal or no deal or what? Your killing me here sis. I love you and I will still be here when you return....Drive careful, and remember, I will still love you the same. PROMISE

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