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Where I am now after "acting-out" and my "breakdown"
March 2, 2007
9:14 pm
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Forum Posts: -1
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September 30, 2010
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Hi everyone, I said I wouldn't be back, but I am because I feel safe and healthy here. I have tried to stop blogging on that site and closed my profile down...still can't remove it completely as I like chatting and it gives some sexual release to be able to talk about sexual matters and encourage others not to cheat or get emotionally involved with each other. Anyway, because my previous thread was difficult to read (I put quotes in it which stretched) it out, and I wanted to reply to eurogirl and thank the others, so I thought I would start a new thread to tell you where I am now..

Quoting eurogurl

I feel sorry for you, this is awful. You have definitely had a breakdown and you really need to tell everyone to fuck off and just deal with yourself, and accept the help that is there. You dont have to think of yourself as disturbed or label yourself, just dont cover up your pain any more, accept your emotions, your actions and forgive yourself. You dont deserve punishment, and god isnt a punishing vengeful god, unless youre catholic. You got carried away and you have some illness,of the spirit, that needs healing. YOu deserve love, and if youre not feeling it in your marriage, u need to leave, for his and your well being. i dont know what to say, but pray for yourself, you will be fine if you believe it. surround yourself with white light.


eurogirl, I don't know what to say. That day when I created a "scene" at the intersection after leaving the hospital who wanted to admit me to their programme, was my "acting out". I was misbehaving because I was told to come back a few days later to get admission and to take my meds, but I was a needy child who wanted more. I wanted someone to take care of me, I was angry and I didn't just want to be told to take my meds, come back Sunday and that I now looked calmer, so in order to get attention, I acted out in public. I did it later on in the evening when discharged from the ED of the public hospital. I did the same thing when I do things like lie down in public or get uncontrollably angry either online or in traffic. At other times, I let everyone pass me and I am the most accommodating, pleasant driver and responder to posts there can be. It has not been mentioned here, but "acting-out" which is extreme behaviour in response to not getting our needs met, to someone not anticipating what we really need, can sometimes drive me to do strange things. As a result, the folks at that hospital now don't want me and view me with a bit of dread and suspicion and think I have wasted their time. I can't go to that place now, and my husband is not happy with me being there.

I was told to seek treatment as an inpatient to stabilise my meds and that I was "running on empty". But the penny dropped and I realised that I don't want to go to hospital, so I will take the meds as before, even though I feel weak in the afternoon, often go to sleep too early and then cannot sleep at night. Even though now, I am still battling depression and finding it so hard to concentrate on anything productive other than these often intensely nagging feelings which I cannot resolve in my head and which prevent me from doing anything else.

The other thing that people don't realise is that I have chronic O.C.D., which has never been cured. I can get angry about a docket missing, because it represents a loss of control. (In this case, it was my mentally unwell mother who found it in my wallet and removed it because she thought I had spent too much money on these books I bought, but I love her, but I am also angry at her) So, you see, I have great difficulty around issues of loss and being controlled by others.

Anyway, what really scared me last night is this...

1) I told my husband that it scared me that if Mr UK (man from internet) and I lived in the same country, at times when I am angry and frustrated, when I fantasise about what it would be like to be made love to, I I know I would be stalking him to find out who he sleeps with. I am intrigued and extremely curious about who he deems sexy and beautiful enough to sleep with, if it isn't his wife (assuming he was telling the truth about that in his last email). That scared me, because I think I am healing and getting over him and not caring anymore, but I am not. Alot of my anger is a control issue. That he decided to end the "online friendship", that he decided what I did was unacceptable and that I had no power to respond. That he had to be forceful enough to get rid of me for his own good. My husband wouldn't hear of any talk of him, even though he found no fault with his response, given my behaviour. He told me that it is really is looney behaviour to be obsessed with someone I have never met.

2) Ah, but then I told my husband that if I left him or he left me, as well as feeling devastating grief and guilt, did he realise that I would become obsessed with my husband. I would wonder who he is blowing kisses to (which my husband does and which makes me melt and he knows it too), cuddling, and calling "dreamboat" etc. I know that my husband is unique and that I am unique to him and that in so many ways, I would never find someone like him. He said that if we were to part, he would miss me and be devastated, but that he would NOT obsess over me, but he can understand how I would feel, knowing and having lived with me and my O.C.D. all these years.

Now, I cannot say that my relationship is healthy in a "classic textbook happy marriage" way. I know that perhaps it is strange that I would rather fantasise about having sex with Mr UK or when I try to block out thoughts of him, with strangers (I won't say what another of my fantasies is, as it is too degrading) than to make love with my husband. My husband has told me that he does not really like sex, he knows that the reality of sex with me is never as good as the fantasy and that is why he eschews it, but he is happy to "provide" and do what I want, provided it is on weekend mornings, when he is rested, doesn't have to worry about going to work and when he has the most energy and physically it is better for alot of men then (heard of "morning glory"?). However, he is happy to go without sex in our marriage. There is no pressure on either of us to have sex. If it happens, it happens.

But here is where the crunch is.

I don't know what this means. After 16 years of marriage and a very shaky mental health history, it is pretty evident I won't have children. I know that if I want contact with children, I should spend more time with my grand-nephew (the only baby in our family) and I often crave seeing him, but a part of me can't deal with the fact that my niece has a 2 year-old child, and another baby on the way. I am not jealous of her, even though she has said some hurtful things to me about my life, as I love her as my niece and want her to be happy - I just have a lump in my throat when I think about going past her house and visiting. I look at the latest celebrities having babies, and I get a lump in my throat, too. It is as if I just can't deal with the grief that it cannot happen to me. My husband doesn't want kids and believes that we would not enjoy them and that it would not enrich our life, but just create additional stress I could not cope with. He thinks I am deluded if I think that I would somehow change my habits and behaviours to accommodate a child.

Now, circumstances are not in my favour either. Not only am I getting on in age (41 this month), but I am mentally unwell and probably physically unwell too as I fatigue very easily and my O.C.D. can cripple me to the point where I can only concentrate on my obsession. I have no real support network of family and friends to help me and feel very embarrassed about my housekeeping (my house is a dirty hovel) situation and have never really felt much warmth from my in-laws, who live next-door, so maybe this is nature's way of having "weeded me out" of the gene pool.

Now, as my husband said, Mr UK did the right thing as far as I was concerned and it is useless to speculate on his "psychology". The only thing that is evident, is that I can understand him not wanting to have anything to do with someone who has demonstrated inappropriate obsessive behaviour and who has O.C.D. So even if somehow, he was the "true love" of my life that got away, and he could have loved me back in the way I wanted, in the way my husband can't, I would be difficult to live with. Anyway, as someone who has demonstrated herself as being obsessive, there is no way of going back in any way with him. I well and truly burnt the bridge with him. There is no way of making amends, no way of getting forgiveness, nothing, as sadly I will always be a person who he will fear forever. Sad, but true and understandable, don't you think?

eurogirl, I am not sure what you mean by me feeling "it". Despite my chronic illness, I Do love my husband. No-one knows in my heart how much. I am not denying my husband sex to punish him, I don't believe in retribution, so no-one is going to win if they use that argument against me. I don't believe in faking wanting sexual intimacy with him, as much as I do in faking orgasms. I mean is that fair to him, or is that something I should be doing out of a duty of being a good wife? Pure and simply, for various reasons, I have never had good, healthy sexual relations with my husband, with the exception of a handful of times and I don't really want it to change. Why, I am not sure.

Sometimes, I DO feel angry. I think that in the long run, I can be a good wife, be faithful to my husband, do my duty and have sex occasionally and come to terms with the fact that I won't be having children as I should count my blessings.

But sometimes, I guess what hurts is not matter what I do, Mr UK will be having fun, either with his wife, or with the women who meet him on the sites he is on. He will be having fun and I won't because how could he not live a life where he is not having fun. Yes, that seems really unfair and I am very jealous of his women or wife and it is awful that I feel that way. I know it is irrational too. I know other men are "having fun" too, but somehow it doesnt matter as much what other men are doing. I don't believe that if I am "good", I will get some "reward" in heaven, like I used to, when I had more Christian leanings.

At other times I bless him and wish him well and thank God this is how it happened, that it was never a real life situation and that we are separated by being on opposite sides of the world, because the thought of leaving my husband, my one and only best friend in life, despite our difficulties, really would almost kill me.

However, I don't know when I am really going to get over Mr UK, completely. Perhaps a part of me needs the fantasy of him to cope with the reality of my life. I do so, because the reality of my life, my family grief, my marriage is too painful to think about and I am confused about what I should be feeling about it, anyway. I avoid the site and when I fantasise about another man who is quite nice and is actually only there to blog and not to have sex with women, I stop myself because I know the reality would not be the fantasy. Yet with Mr UK, it is as if I have unleashed something in myself which I cannot put back.

I have had a nervous breakdown and the meds are helping a bit. But I just don't know where to turn. I feel like I am a jigsaw puzzle in various pieces or like "Humpty Dumpty" and while I have been unwell and not functioning for a long time, I don't know how or if, I will ever be able to put my life back together again.

Thank you everyone for reading.

Blessings and Peace


March 4, 2007
7:16 am
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Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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Sorry, I realise most of you don't care anymore, or are so disgusted by me, but I thought I would post on some realisations I have made yesterday, some good and some not so good...

1) What Mr UK did, may have been to act in his own self-interest, but to say that he did not even want a friendship, that he wanted nothing to do with me, may have actually be kind to me, as it allowed me the opportunity to work on my marriage unencumbered by the confusion of being strongly attracted to him. So while what he said hurt and I feel ashamed of revealing my feelings and being "duped", he did me a favour to allow me to at least work on my marriage without any emotional attachment from him;

2) I realise now that talking about him on "that sex site" even euphemistically is really crass and in bad taste. Moreover, it is really disrespectful to discuss my husband and my marriage on that site, even though I have tried never to disparage him on that site, like I have seen some married woman do.

3) For some twisted and horrible reason, I realise that I can only enjoy sex with strangers and not with my husband and that it is consuming alot of my thoughts and I will go crazy soon if I don't have a good session with someone (even though to date, I have never really been pleased like I wish). I feel extremely ashamed of this, but I have to face my feelings. I love my husband and want to protect him, but I could gladly have sex with many lovers, not just find one as I don't really want to get too emotionally involved and I could have it very frequently too. Besides, I know that I cannot fall deeply in love again, no matter how great the sex, so I feel safe in that respect. I don't know how this is every going to change, as weird and as unhealthy as it seems to you.

This is tearing me apart and I feel torn. As well as breaking down when I think of my mother and how worried I am about her situation and it has hit me how she is suffering because we cannot deal with her and it is too painful for me or my brother to sacrifice our lives to do more.

Hard days indeed. Feel in a deep, dark well and even if I get out, I know that things will only get worse in time.

March 4, 2007
8:59 am

Oh D_D,

It sounds as if you are experiencing chaos. Whenever I am finf myself there I simplify, simplify, simplify.

Stay on your meds they are your lifeline to sanity. Eat a good meal, go for a long walk, find three things today you are grateful for and acknowledge them, and yes simplify your life and thoughts. It has been said that pain is inevitable .... suffering is optional.

All the best and when I need to change something in my life I say to myself ....

"If I always do what I've always done

I'll always get what I always got"

March 4, 2007
10:47 pm
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Forum Posts: -1
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September 24, 2010
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wow, i read all of that and my heart goes out to you.
You are very obssessed, your mind is complicated and scattered, you need to find power in something much higher than your own self and needs, sexual or otherwise.
im talking, higher power.
ask to release you from all of this, sex should be about two people connecting and expressing love, not about getting your own fantasies met, or needs met. If hubby isnt doing it for you, but you love him, then you both need to get some counselling or get out, and stay friends but find a true love, AFTER you have gotten yourself balanced, and hopefully found a spiritual depth thta infuses all life and people, and releases one from this self absorbed self analysis and narcicism.

March 4, 2007
10:55 pm
Forum Posts: 40
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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Just to let you know, I care and am not disgusted. I'm happy you feel as though this is a safe place for you.
People are here to support you, not judge you.

Try to take care of yourself and get the help you so need and deserve.


March 7, 2007
8:52 pm
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Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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Dear eurogirl

I understand what you are saying...someone said I have to restructure my thoughts so that I can fall in love with my husband and view him in a sexual way...however, they also said that it would be difficult after 16 years of marriage if I have never had that "passion" in the beginning...basically I we never really conditioned to think of each other in a "sexual" way...we are more "Romantic" to just indulge in sex and my husband doesn't really make me feel like I would want to feel, through no fault of his own...it is just that you cannot hae everything from one person.

As for "getting out", do you realise how painful that would be? I would be stuck with an image of a man who blows me kisses from the roof of our garage as I drive away...never to have those kisses blown to me again?

Also, the risk is that I can never love someone again, I can never trust, respect, admire the intelligence of, the integrity of, the loyalty and respect that a man like my husband has for me, again...and sadly the reality of that is staring at me in the face. Even an obsessive like me, realises the attraction of the UK man was largely lust-based. However, at times I do think of him lovingly, not lustfully, perhaps because in my mind, I am drawn to the "perfect love" and he represents that fantasy.

Perhaps I am faced with the cruel dilemma of loving two men, it is just that society does not see that as permissible and so I am forced to think there is something wrong with me for feeling that, because it is logically not possible?

Perhaps I am selfish, I want it all, and I have 90% so I have to retrain myself into being happy with the 90% I have from my husband, enjoy sex for the sake of it, and hope that in time perhaps I will be well enough to consider having children, but I am at the 11th hour - literally.

Thank you everyone


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