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Where does it start?
November 17, 2001
10:26 am
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DeadAlready
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where does depression/any mental disorder start? i know from my experience that one second you could be the happiest person alive...and then the next, you feel like killing yourself is the only thing you want. where does it start, and how can it be stopped? i just dont understand where it comes from... how can a healthy mind be infected? please help me understand, because i hate hating myself but i do it anyway. i once knew how it felt to be free but now i cant remember.

please can someone help?

November 17, 2001
11:13 am
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thanks 4 replying.

i would like to get help but i dont like my doctor (mommie chose him for me...ick) and there arent any others round here.

i used to pray too...until i realised i wasnt getting anywhere... i even got baptised this june, i am 20. all i did was pray and go to church- but things got even worse. i had the most faith ever. i dont know where it went.

i just dont see the point of suffering.. i wrote a poem. here it is:
How Do You Walk?(July 10,2001)
If you hate your Job,
You walk out.

If you hate your boyfriend,
you walk out.

if you hate the party,
You walk out.

If you hate the conversation,
you Walk out.

If you hate yourself,
you're stuck.

its bad enough hating everything about your existence... what makes it worse is that you know you can't run away. i am such a chicken and i never want to face my problems.... and this is the biggest one i have ever had.
i have read some of your posts and its amazing that you can still be strong and encouraging.... i hope u dont mind if i admire u for that.

i cant relate to the "everyone dying in a plane crash" thing... for me that would only be one person, the one who cares about me enough to manage keeping my head above water. at least i have One person...i cant complain that i have NO-one... 🙂

November 17, 2001
11:13 am
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silence
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With me it was the little things that set me off. I once went through a day where everything that could go wrong did go wrong. At the end of the day I said to myself that, "this was the worst it was ever going to get." I smiled and went to sleep. A week later I accidently splashed myself in the front of my pants with water when I was washing my hands. I had another pair of pants to wear, but I suddenly lost the will to live. I thought that I was so useless that I couldn't even wash my hands without screwing up. For no reason at all I felt dead. I already was dead in a sense. It's tough to describe true suicidal thought processes. But I suddenly felt empty and relieved that I wouldn't have to stay much longer. Of course that feeling came to a crashing halt when I woke up in pain the next morning...

November 17, 2001
11:22 am
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i totally get what you mean about the pants.... there was one time i broke a nail and i cried for the longest time.... i think because i had wanted to cry, but i needed an excuse.
sometimes i just cry so hard...i hate crying, to me the depression says "hey! you're crying! you're a weakling and I can defeat you and I WILL WIN in the end!"
which just makes me even more harshly upset.

isn't it wierd how you can be in the worst pain EVER, but still feel numb? i just feel like a zombie, i am walking around but i am dead inside. and i feel like am wasting everyones time because if i am not alive, i might as well not exist....sorry im rambling now.

November 17, 2001
1:07 pm
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gypsygirl
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So tell me something good about your self

November 17, 2001
1:18 pm
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eeerrrr.....

i like to paint. thats pretty much it.

November 17, 2001
1:23 pm
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gypsygirl
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What kinds of paintings do you do?
I like Van Gogh

November 17, 2001
1:32 pm
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i do weird paintings.. i dont draw "life" things, like people or buildings because they never look how they r meant to ...i just draw how i feel (which explains why theres so much red in my pictures...)
hopefully i am getting someone to scan some of them soon to put on my page. if it all goes to plan then i will post the link here if anyone wants to see them.

November 17, 2001
1:35 pm
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I would love to see them. I love picture like those you describe. It really is like looking into someones soul. you cant get that kind of glimse anywhere else.

November 17, 2001
2:01 pm
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Blondie I replied to your email did you get it?

I also collect Angels. That is my sons name, my other son is truly an Angel.

I love to be in cemetaries. I have a fantasy in one. is that insane?

November 17, 2001
7:46 pm
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Molly
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The only thing that I know of that truly effects depression, is taking controll of your life, doing, getting out of your head. But then again, it could be a chemical thing, most artists do have a really big emotional pit, thus the ability to express. Exercise, and diet, are so critical, even more so than counseling or the past, or some anti depressants. I think there is so much agenda with labels, and doctors, and who really knows the side effects and long term consequences of all these mind benders ? What do you gain by not liking your self, by being depressed? You know the answers, and change can happen even if you have to fake it to make it, but of course the politically correct thing to say is please check with you physician first.

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