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where do I go from here?
February 21, 2000
10:04 am
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fed up
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One year ago I had a sucessful business, a fit and healthly body. Then last April I fell down stairs and totally smashed my knee. reconstructive surgery has been partly sucessfull but as the totally unsportive national health service says 'you cant make a silk purse out of a sows ear'.
I always had to struggle to keep to a half decent weight, constantly dieting and suffering bulimia and medically supervised diets of 400 cals per day.
Now my weight has escallated due to lack of exercise and drink.
I cant walk without alot of pain, I am to fat to brave the swimming pool.
The state has not paid me a penny, my business is struggling.
Two men from the VAT gave me the third degree last September and that put me on prozac. Didnt do me any good I came off it after a few months.

Most of my friends have got fed up and dont call anymore.
The only good thing in my life is my husband and I know I am being very cruel to him.
We discussed this problem last night and came to the conclusion that we love each other very much, but I am being horrid to him in order to make him leave me.
Things would be very easy then I would have absoloutely nothing to live for.

February 21, 2000
11:22 am
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hazza
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Hi There,
You have a supportive husband by the sound of things, let him help you through this,

I understand how much pressure you feel, you have had a really bad run of luck, its no wonder you feel this way.

I have been there with the business too, its like seeing a member of your family ill when you see a business you started struggling, it affects you deeply.

There are loads of things that need a bit of TLC in your life, the practical problems usually have practical answers somewhere, i too have had the VAT man problem, i actually managed to get them to accept post dated check and split the payment due over six months once, but it took a day of negotiating!!!
The emotional problems are telling you that you need to concentrate on you
Talk more,
maybe we can help
Hazza

February 21, 2000
12:01 pm
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Thanks for replying. I know I really have an anger problem, I am angry at the world. For the last three years its been throwing things at me. My father in law (age 59) and my friend (29) both died of cancer. Then the VAT men from hell. Then smashed knee.
I want to put it all behind me, if only I could walk properly again. But I know thats not going to happen. I am so bitter of the lack of hospital, doctor, state support. I went to see my doctor to tell him I couldnt go on with life, and really need to talk to someone about my life with my disability and a needed to see someone to explain the prognosis for my knee. He just snapped at me for taking up an emergency appointment. I immediately left his office and went to jump in the river, I only stopped myself because I thought about my husbands embarassment and horror he is in the Lifeboat crew.
I feel my husband would be better off without me.
We always led a very active lifestyle and my knee does not fit in with the plans. I tryed to be positive at first but anger and flustration have take over.

February 21, 2000
3:06 pm
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eve
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Hi,
you really sound fed up. But you also sound like a strong person.

To me your posts sound a little bit as if at the moment you use all your strength to go against yourself. When I read your posts I get the mental picture of an angry impatient mother jelling at a stubborn child. But both persons are you. Try to be gentle to yourself. Take yourself by the hand and lead you out of that troubles. I think you can.

You could start by making a new appointment or finding a different doctor and try again to get help.

From my own experience I know that knee problems are nasty and long-lasting, but they get better with time. Depending on your specific situation pysiotherapy would likely help. And with all joint troubles there is one thing you can do: don't stop moving. And don't overexercise. Just do small things, but steadily. My doctors recomended swimming or cycling. I didn't like the swimming because the cold water made my knee hurt, but cycling was good. And walking.

Best wishes, and keep us posted

February 23, 2000
4:32 am
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hazza
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HI again,

I too have experienced the lack of doctors concern, i went to my doctor to ask for help with my phobias, he basically told me to stop being silly and grow up! I changed doctors.
The next doctor had at least heard of my phobia and tried half heartedly to find a "specialist" in cognitve therapy, that was nearly a year ago!!!! I have resigned myself to the fact that they are totally useless! and have sought treatment myself, i have found a very good uk charity that deals with it, they run councelling groups and have helped alot.

Now, back to you! you are very depressed, your doctor should have realised this, he didn't. Time for you to CHANGE DOCTOR.

You may find that an anti depressent medication will help you right now, it will not take away your problems, but it can help as a crutch, the real work will have to be done by you. But you can do it.

All your husband wants, i expect, is to see yu happy again, but he probably doesn't know how to help you. There are support groups that you can call, they help ALOT!

I don't blame you at all for feeling bitter, who wouldn't given what you have been through, but recognise that these feelings are intensified by your depression.

You have to start to nuture a feeling deep inside you that says you want to get better and feel happy again, even if it seems silly at first. You have to really want to move through this to happier times. COncentrate on just wanting that at first, that is the first step.

SO, please change doctors, insist that you get some help for severe depression. Try to see if there is any support groups you can call, look in the yellow pages, on line anywhere, and try to develop the desire to move through this.

You can talk to us here and get anything off your chest that you want, try to notice when you are having destructive thoughts,

eg when you think "my husband would be better off without me"

notice when you think this and sasy to yourself

"that is complete nonsense, my husband loves me, this is just my depression making me have negative thoughts"

and keep doing it, keep challenging those negative thoughts, believe me it gets easier with practice.

This is what i do when i have a phobic thought, i challenge it and remind myself that it is just my anxiety talking and not reality. it is hard a first becuase you believe these thoughts so strongly you think they must be true, but with practice and talking to others you slowly see that these thoughts are Bull shit! they are just symptoms of your depression i promise you, and the bully of depression is a great focal point to direct all that anger at now, i mean "how dare this bully of depression come and bite my ass now, on top of anything else. I can't control the Vat man or the Doctors, but i can control the nasty things my mind keeps telling me now" get mad at the depression not yourself.

YOu sounnd like a fighter, and i am NOT saying that depression can be cured if people only fight it, that is not true. But i am saying that you can nuture a dislike for the depression and want it out of your life and that taking that mental stance can help you see it for what it is, a bullying condition resulting from the run of bad luck you have had.
Please keep talking here, there are so many things to try against depression, i am sure you will be able to find a way of moving through these times and ironically once you are through to the otherside, you will find out that you have grown for the better as a person, honestly most people find that to be true. I have known many people who have had breakdowns, they have all without exception, come out the other side being happier with themselves, feeling stronger and knowing themselves a little better. Maybe these times are natures way of sorting out the cupboards of the mind?

Hugs and peace to you, try to have a positive though a day, your mind is like a muscle too, the more you excersise having positive thoughts the easier it is to think them, so it is worth practising.

February 23, 2000
2:06 pm
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fed up
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Thank you Eve and Hazza for your time in talking to me. I cannot tell you how much this has helped, just putting my thoughts into print helped and with your replies I feel I have already started to think more positively. I started to do my knee exercises today, I havent been bothered to do them for weeks. I have also had another good chat with my husband and realise how lucky I am to have him.

Thanks again
Fiona

February 23, 2000
6:19 pm
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infaith
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Hazza
I have wanted to say this to you for quite some time. Please try thought conditioning, write down all the negative thoughts you have through out the day, continue this for a few weeks. You can not just think about them, write them down (crucial) after a few weeks begin to counter your negative thoughts with realistic compassionate and positive affirmations. Continue to do this untill the negatives become replaced with the positives. It is also really important that you accept your anger and release it ( towards mom and hubby ) in a assertive manner, no longer allow others to mistreat you NO MATTER WHAT
Also, I want you to seriously take a close look at your relationship and determine whether or not your mate is abusing you, it is common for abused women to have panic and anxiety disorders due to all the suppressed feelings, fear and hopelessness.
And next, it is important that you begin to do work that is meaningful and purposeful for you.
Last but not least, please do not allow any of your fears to control you, face each one a little at a time, a little each day and try to do a little meditation each day.
All of this will equal recovery for you.
Oh, I also want to say, please read all your responses to peoples calls for help and apply the advice you give them to your own life.
I know people like you can give a lot of advice and not take it in their own lives as well as have much compassion for others and little or non for self.
Tell me how true this all is for you.

February 25, 2000
9:17 am
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hazza
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Thanks infaith,

I do do much of what you have mentioned, i am involved with a charity based councelling program and we talk weekly on the phone and set goals, practice exposure to feared situations in a graded manner and do relaxtion.

I have an abusve relationship that i realsed was co-dep i have done much work on that and things are inproving, we have moments of madness! but they are fewer and fewer and get resolved more easily. I am not afraid to lose this relationship, but i would like to work it out and on the whole am making progress but i still have a way to go.

I was phobic before this reltaionship however, but i have improved

i was so bad before i couldn't be alone in the house or go anywhere alone, i am now starting to go out alone and can be alone in the house.

Thanks again for your words, you are right - so easy to give advice, but to take it??? i fully admit to all i am sometimes a hypocrite, it is easy to tell people what they should do and what i shoud do myself, but far harder to actually do it. However i do a little more each day and am slowly working towards my goals, recovery will be mine, but unfortunatley it takes time!!!!

Peace
Your kind words remind me of another dear person who used to visit this site! A lady we all miss.
Hazza

February 25, 2000
1:40 pm
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winter001
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hiya Fed up,
know the feeling! don't you wish that someone would wipe the slate clean and let you start from th beggining because anything has got to be better than what you have! i used to feel that way all the time, even when i woke up in the morning, but i'm getting a grip and that feeling is becoming more rare. one thing about your post really struck a cord with me, the fact that you tried prozac and it didn't help you. I could never take mood altering drugs, they never worked, because i wanted to be in controle of my state of mind, didn't want to be any more dependant than i already was. i got a lot of strength from that, and i still do. the strength to turn your life is within you and you don't need drugs to do it. do you read much? when i was really beyond having hope when i really couldn't even dream that my life was ever gonna change, i read Melodie Beatty's book "stop being mean to yourself" i read it again and again, and i gave it to everyone around me to read. i would encourage you to read it.
One last thing, your husband sounds really supportive, and that is wonderfull, don't beat yourself up about being hard on him, your human, the best you can do is talk to him, tell him how you feel, don't make his niceness another burden to carry, let it be a support,
good luck - and keep doing those exercises!

February 26, 2000
12:44 pm
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I am going away for a week, I feel it may do me good to get away. I hope I have the courage to come home again! Be in touch when I get back.
I will get that book you mentioned. thanks.

February 26, 2000
8:25 pm
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janes
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Hope your week went well.
Always remember each day is a new one for you to paint as you wish.

Find someone to help....so often it helps us more.

One of our family friends has only one leg. You have two. (one bummed up)

And you have a great mind!!!!

Do your excercises....

March 8, 2000
12:17 pm
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Had a great weeks holiday, thanks. Made good improvement,using my leg. Its amazing the difference a little positive thought brings. I thought I would feel very depressed comming back off holiday but I dont feel too bad, even handled a big arguement with my Mother in law! I suprised myself. when she said I was not good enough for her son (I would have agreed with her 2 weeks ago!) I said 'oh! yes i am' whats more I realised that I really meant it.
My next step is to start swimming and go on a diet. ( I have two fat legs!)

March 8, 2000
10:38 pm
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janes
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Better two fat legs than one. Better two gimpy ones than none.

It can be hard changing from "the galss is half empty " to " this glass is half full"

Keep it up you are super!!1

March 13, 2000
9:08 am
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hazza
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when ever i hear some one say about the glass being half empty or half full i always think -" no, the glass is just too big, thats all" ;))
I guess that is how i look at life, nothing is entirley negative, at least very few things, most things have an element of good in them ,even if it is just another lesson you have learned or another challenge you have risen to and beaten.
so keep up the excersises, you will reap the rewards soon enough, and keep positive, it frees your mind to find solutions to problems instead of feeling overwhelmed by them!
hazza

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