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Where Do I Begin?
November 18, 2003
11:40 pm
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LA Rosa
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Even on a bad day, Anam, I will keep it in mind that things 'are' getting better....I could never have expected things to turn out as they have either, finding myself in kaos, and losing any ability that I once had for problem solving. It has turned out though to be an obvious silver lining - as my problem solving abilities were in good need of some heavy-duty repairs, especially with some of the self-esteem issues. I remember what I went through with my mother...always making sure not to upset her, passifying her, being there for her while hiding myself at the same time, and knowing all the while that I was probably hitting my head against a brick wall - living a sick lie to hopefully get her appoval and maybe even some real affection! So intent on giving 'the one who must be obeyed' whatever I could...while simultaneously putting myself down in the process - and being expected to continue to genuinely love her!? My little sister just didn't even bother herself and would just hand out small morsels of attention once in a blue moon - to keep mother at arms length. It is situation needs to change! If there has to be a confrontation then there will be.... for even though she is my mother she cannot go on getting away with her self-righteous arrogance. Will she ever put her hands up when she is wrong and try to understand that she is not entitled to my unconditional approval. My oldest brother James used the same 'tactics' as I have done, we had a lot in common....only James did not 'escape' as I had - he lived with her manipulative emotional blackmail and self-righteousnes ways all his life for thirty years before committing suicide when still a young man. Yes Mum! The honeymon has to be over! I cannot abide by the rules you demand - that are unjust and dispicable, and so even if you don't like me anymore for daring to be myself - at least we will finally know where we realy stand. There is only so much any person can take.... before the writing is on the wall. Don't worry though Mum, you'll probably not even notice the change in me until a matter of consequence arises when the truth will become crystal clear. I will allow my guilt complex to evapourate with time...as I continue to staighten out my life. Surely you can understand. Unfortuntely, I know that she is not even capable of even trying to understand - and there will be it not be long before the fireworks display - for there are many matters of consequence that are springng to mind as I write. I just wish I didn't need to do this though. It will mean that I'll be taking back the part of myself that is only mine. Self-value and self-respect and motivation will have risen from the ashes. I have already been catagorised as being deficient and therefore in a lesser league than herself - and always will be in her eyes. That is the probable reason why it is so hard to accept the truth....and is very sad in many ways and feels as though I will be taking a big liberty. Naturally though, I'll do it as gently as I can, but at the end of the day it will probably not make any difference which way I do it - to her. I resolve to make the shift - and be true to myself Anam, and tap into any of my natural resources that may have been wondering when they were going to be required to fulfil their purpose in life. There will undoubtedly be tears, but only the tears that have been crying to be shed - to allow for the growth. With that in mind, the fetters are already fading....and the greater freedom is in the process of becoming an obtainable reality.....like never before, my dear Anam.

Love,

LA Rosa

November 19, 2003
12:43 pm
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trying2grow - Thank you for reminding me - I really do agree that one day at a time is a good way to live your life (understatement), and stay in the time zone that really matters most...the here and now - today I don't want to let the past hold me back...and tomorrow will be a dream of happiness - by living well today. I'm now putting the past behind me - trying2grow - and start living this very day - today. It really does make sense! The birds are singing and another new day is dawning - and we are part of it. Thank you again - trying2grow - and your name says so much - I am sure you will keep growing.....

Sincerely

LA Rosa

November 20, 2003
3:56 am
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lucidlady - I just hope that I will always be able to experience the pleasure of sharing creative gifts with others - receiving and giving - it seems so natural! I'm sure that Kahil would agree adamently with that as well - he can be such a comfort to the spirit at times, for me and yourself and many countless others and it would've been his purpose and pleasure to share his gift - for us to receive and benefit. Makes me feel better to just think of the concept..... For someone to try and say any differently is big-time concerning - as I know you are well aware yourself - lucidlady -

Sooner or later along comes that uncomfortable, foreign, consuming numbness that just doesn't want to leave. That is what it felt like for me, when I was bending over backwards to try to be someone I wasn't, and not being myself!! It never would've made any difference how good at bending over backwards I was - I had already written myself off, or I would have if I hadn't accepted that there would come a time when I'd get away - but until then I was with a man who really hardly even knew me at all, so I found out, and he wanted it all his way....and that was also what he expected me to want as well! Why did I conform to such 'arrogance'?? It was never the intenion to have a relationship based on that system! Oh yes - I did want him to feel about me the way he had expressed that he did - and it was mutual - but then, when I was actually in the door and looking forward to the 'happy ever after' scenario - it didn't take too long before finding out that 'his' interpretation of 'happy ever after' was also supposed to be mine as well - 'if' I truely loved him - Does any of this sound familiar? "You do trust me... Don't you?" "You know that I will make the best decisions my darling - because I know better than you - I am older than you - and have lived here a lot longer than you - and I'd just have to be one of the most brilliant people in the UK - and I am highly respected by 95% of the people who know me - and the other 5% are scumbags anyway - and I will protect you from anyone who tries to hurt you, with my life if need be....I would die for you. Would you die for me? I've been trained by an expert and can kill anyone in less than two seconds - let me show you how I can do it - I won't hurt you. I'll never hurt you - and I am the guy - and you are my little girl - and all you have to do is do as you're told - and it won't be very often - and I don't argue with women...it's a waste of time - it would be easy for me if you were a guy...I would just put you down."

And so the list goes on and on....and the only way out of this trap it seemed, was to make sure of getting out in one piece and be sure that I would never have to return....for anything. So having no contacts - or anyone to turn to - and no privacy to make any - and no money to help me on my way - and not getting enough sleep because he wanted me to keep him company so he wouldn't be left all alone - and trying to adjust to the ciimate - and my son not contacting me - and having to do many other things that I really didn't want to do....but thought I'd better anyway .....It was nothing less than a nightmare! Okay, so he has a problem! One day I may be able to help him with it....but that wasn't going to be the time or place. Even though it was literally killing me.... I did my best to keep him...manageable! I didn't have to be an Einstien to work that one out.... it was survive or die...and was more than just a feeling. It took a while but I finally got the opportunity when my aunty, (on my dads side of the family who lives in New Zealand also and always remembers my birthay) got in touch with another relative who could actually visit me and see how I was ..... the lack of contact on my part had become alarmingly apparent. In the short space of time that I had with Mary, she was quickly able to understand the situation and it was now time for me to plan the escape which was going to be a trip back to New Zealand to be with my mother once more, and take it easy for a while .....before returning back to my 'One & Only'. Mary played her part to a tee....and the only real thing that seemed to concern 'The Guy', was whether or not Mary really liked him!! What an ego!! I may have been his 'Dream Come True' but he was the worse dream I've ever had! Fairytale with an unhappy endimg to me....and it could've ended up being a lot unhappier. So it was time to count my blessings!

The opportunity had finally come in the end.....and I didn't even have to get a return airflight! 🙂

It's so nice to have some give and take in a relationship - mutuality - sharing - caring and understanding - trust and respect. I may be easily pleased with my black no sugar coffee, but that's just coffee! I like to have a nice balance.

I've wondered if I was codependent or not - and came to the conclusion that there are times when we are going to depend on others.... depending on our circumstances and needs at the time. For someone to knowingly take advantage of you when they profess to be helping you and when you are helping them anyway...if it doesn't affect them it will be affecting you. I don't really think that my problem is in being codependant....because after all, circumstances should always be taken into consideration. If it is an emotional/psychological issue then where did it come from in the beginning?....are there circunstances at the root of it - and get the weedkiller - weeds don't just go away! I can understand being in a relationship ang not being able to see a way out of it, and I can understand trying to please someone so that they may love you or even just like you more, and I can understand pleasing someone simply because you love or like someone, and I can understand how it feels to not know if you'll be able to manage on your own, and I can understand arrangements .......but I can't understand wanting to continue sharing the rest of your life with someone who doesn't even think much of you and who you don't even feel comfortable being with. I want to know and understand more about codependency - lucidlady - because I was a bit scared of what I might find - I do appreciate being able to say how I feel about things and any relationship that won't accomodate that need in me will not be a relationship I'll be happy being in. As you can see - lucidlady - I'm still learning. LOL

LA Rosa

November 20, 2003
1:12 pm
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Yes Anam....LA Rosa is holding tightly!

Love,

LA Rosa

November 20, 2003
6:15 pm
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La Rosa

I am not qualified to say whether you are a co- dependent or not - but it sounds to me that because you have worked out - that you want out -suggests you are not a co-dependent- (circumstances do come into all your equations.)

I am A co-dependent - and I think I always will be - not sure why this is - never had any form of professional counselling to understand my character - I must say that I strongly believe you are born either or not.

Co- dependants make some awful partner selections. We rush in where others would fear to tread - we are blinded by our own needs.

Should we blame the selected one or should we blame our selves? That is the question?

I could bleat on and on about the awful life I have suffered with a narcissist.

I have been shucked like a pea - done down - cast off - sent packing.

Tell me why - when she phones and needs my help I am still there for her - when she jabs and wounds me I still try to counter her barrage with decency .

Having just penned this - last week she came at me tooth and nail coupled with a hawkish expression looking like 'you must be controlled.' -----"I do not want you to talk about the film you have just seen!" (in fact it was a documentary about the first pioneer breast implants which I found very interesting ) She said this in the company of two other people. but instead of taking the stick I returned fire by saying " F--k you as well!" This stopped the table conversation for some minuets.

Ok so having said this I guess I do have some reserve ammunition in my belt which I felt had been lost forever.

Forgiveness - yes have achieved this - but today I live with sadness -and that makes for a bad partner.

Repair is possible? Don't know!

Love. Anam.

November 21, 2003
6:41 am
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Anan

Oh Yes Anam, I'm sure you have plenty more ammunition left where that came from! Loved the way you used the element of surprise to make your point. After looking into your heart and realising that there is some ammo still there, and the question 'is' just..... "How much?!" You may even have overlooked a few other little possibilities....or even big probabilities for that matter. I mean to say Anam....Overlooked is mostly out of mind....for a time. If you want to get firing to your full capacity though, Anam, the good news is that you may actually be a lot closer than you realise! The sadness that you are living with....will just have to be sgueesed in somewhere nice and compact - in order to make room for lots more of your good, natural, beautiful emotions, that were not allowed to surface. "How could they have surfaced?....then!"

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud, was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

And tomorrow is another day....and please excuse me for getting excited Anam; but as far as I can see, you've already achieved the state of 'forgiveness' - and so blame is not even an issue anymore. I personally Anam, cannot comprehend how you could ever be a bad pertner - but then again Anam Cara....I am biased. I must wonder though - Is it perhaps just possible, that you have always been preparing yourself for this very time? Repair is more than possible... it is already happening!! You know it - I know it...Yes? TTFN

Love,

LA Rosa
to be cont.

November 21, 2003
2:29 pm
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Anam

Thank you for taking my circumstances into consideraion Anam, regarding my own co-dependency (my little 'surfboard computer only accepts codependency (very limited)) because they always play their part. I am taking it though, that regardless of their influence, there is coming a time when they will be obsolete and ineffective. Like yourself, I am no expert but that does not make me doubt certain relevant, valid facts. Sometimes I do get it right _ and sometimes I don't! I do know that there are any reasons to explain being codpendent in the first place, so I have read. Not one of the ones that I have read so far has mentioned being born with it! I think that sounds promising - because that lets you know that it could very well be a conditioning/ culture sort of thing....which is there to be seen through....by someone like yourself. It it just my opinion, as you know, but I will gladly share it with you.. and maybe clear some more of the haze...I know that I have had a lot of benefit from having come into conact with you Anam, and will always want to hold your hand. I must go for now - due to freeing up the telephone line - but it won't be very long before I knock your little socks off!! TTFN

Love,

LA Rosa

November 21, 2003
7:21 pm
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Anam Cara
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La Rosa

Its really lovely to talk to you- for I feel that we have an understanding.

What is that we crave for? Just a few kind words and a little bit of loving encouragement?

I was never a bad partner - I was a slave to her and eventually pissed her off - that is a danger co-dependents never actually come to terms with. She often verbally floored me - so my chosen place was over the the floor boards . as I said who should we blame?

My childhood was a happy one - but my brother and sister were 10- 12 years older than me. so I guess I really made my own play - got on with my life - mostly in my head.

My father worked for the Army as a NAFFI manager - this meant that we moved with the army all over the country during the war. My education was almost zero - changed schools sometimes on 3 occasions during the same year.

Thus I was always having to break new ground trying to make new friends - then off we would go again. Thus my educational standard dropped out . I always felt a dunce. And of course I was. This I think started me off to be a dependent because I copied other childrens work - just to get by. And you know how unkind kids can be .

In my mature years I became a senior manager with a huge staff and responsibility - had a great secretary who sorted out all my bad spelling and grammar. But despite my position I always felt a dunce and dependant on my PA - to make that part of me look good - yes I hide behind my stupid self and thus was not really happy about what I considered a flawed education.

When I met my second wife - she was very well educated - had travelled extensively - she came onto me in a big way and I fell deeply in love with her. But! And this is a big but! I knew she was way above me educationally - she became very didactic - taught me many things - gave me a touch of class - made me feel good.

She actually enjoyed the teaching and grooming . My mistake was I learnt fast and became the person that she wanted to create . I became a challenge to her position- I was sort after at parties - became important in the locality.

After seven years apprenticeship I qualified . This did not please my little narcissist- so she began a campaign to destroy what she had helped to create. Thus the criticism - temper - out rages complaints about this and that - nothing was ever right!

The paint had not yet dried on my new self - she burned it off over a few years and reduced me almost to nothing again - melted me down into a confused dependent fool. And lost complete interest in me - she actually said "if you loved me you would leave me." Yet when I said F--k you too! The other day over a meal. I believe this actually excited her!

Today - yes I am sad but my apprenticeship is serving me well. This is why I can come close to you in your sorrow.

Having re-read this note I want to withdraw my previous opinion of being born a co- dependent . I now see that circumstances made me one.

Keep writing La Rosa - maybe we can find hope again.

Love. Anam.

November 22, 2003
5:06 am
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Anam

My dear Anam, I do hope that you are having a lovely time with The Senator and his wife, and that you're all enjoying some real good times together....wherever and whatever may be on the agenda. My best wishes are already on their way to you all.

In just expressing what I have come to realise from my own experiece of 'co-dependency', and by that I mean - whatever it is that I really do have it is so close to being catagorised as co-dependency, at least in effect, that I thought it may actually be acceptable to just put it in with co-dependency. I shouldn't really have done this though - I got that one wrong...and I'm sorry. I may very well be a CD...for my 'inner child' was affected after the accident - when I was an older child coming close to my next stage of developement - adolescence - which became a problem for me, as I was alays looking to others to validate who I was - in that I looked to others to determine what I should and could ever hope to become, and whether or not I ever had a chance to ever be accepted as who I really was - and not being in a position to fire 'my' ammunition...the goal-posts had been shifted and I didn't really know what I would be able to do or not.... but I just couldn't accept the advice I was being given....to accept myself the way I was 'now'. I had gone in to get a precription for medication when the doctor kindly asked me if there was anything troubling me....so I told him that I was a bit upset because my schoolwork as it wasn't as good as it used to be - because of all the days I had been missing - and then he told me to just forget about any thoughts of ever doing what I once had in mind......then casually suggested that I could pick apples! Fortunately, I already knew by then, that there was a lot more to me - than just picking apples! Did he really think I was going to wear 'that'! Well maybe I might've, had I been a few years younger? Just 'maybe' mind you....but I like to think not. It just shows though, how easy it can be to lose it, lose yourself that is, when you do not have certain basic self-concepts established in your mind....how vulnerable you can be - to be molded as someone elses creation....of you, and from such an early age and underdeveloped defence system. Hence this need for external approval to confirm who I really was/am - to ultimately let you feel good about yourself - when deep down you already know yourself, that you 'are' worth much more than any of the little patronising morsels of praise, that so generously get offered your way...and that is when it has often made me wonder - would the person dishing out the treatment ever accept that very same treatment....coming from anyone!....never even mind ME! It can be demoralising and soul-destroying! In the case of parents, who may already have their own disorders anyway, Nobody gets everything right all the time, and sometimes the norm that is accepted can be almost designed for co-dependency....for girls AND boys!

Who should have the right to deliberately 'cash-in' on anyone elses disposition - in which case that person could have a personality disorder of their own - a much more self-centred one than a CD 'ever' would - I think that a CD is self-oriented....and there's a big big difference between the two. Nevertheless, a disorder is a disorder!! Then comes the question of "How much is the disorder and how much is just a part of the nature?" I know I do get carried away with myself at times, Anam, but as long as you know that my intentions are to help. From where I am standing, and I do not mean to over-simplify anything that is very complex, but honestly from here - Anam, your big picture does look as inspirationl as always - only more so - and with personal developement going into overdrive. Understand that underneath the sadness and pain that you're going through right now....another door is opening and there will be new light. Keep your head held high - and live.. I hope that you will have 'the' adventure of your life!! That is 'the' hope for myself as well Anam. (big hug)

Love,

LA Rosa

November 22, 2003
1:47 pm
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Anam

I've only just now read your last insert or posting or letter Anam, and would just like to confirm that I do believe also, that - We do have an understanding....I have felt it, just as I feel you have yourself Anam!

You have so much depth to you, and give so much of yourself, naturally sharing of your gifts....and I am so very very fortunate indeed to have met - and be able to get to know you, my dear Anam.

I hope you could understand my posting from last night - it didn't get the last look editing service that I normally apply - probably because it was past brain shut-down time! TTFN

Love,

LA Rosa

November 23, 2003
3:18 am
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Anam

It is good to be in contact with you Anam, and I would like you to know that I am feeling your pain right now. There is so much that you have been sharing and I am intending on replying to answer those questions that you have brought up, and are very important as are you, my dear friend Anam. Thank you for being so giving, especially when you were going through so much yourself, but I can understand how nice it feels to have someone close - under these difficult circumstances...your encouragement has always been sincerely appreciated. My thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you....you are not alone!

There IS always hope, my dear Anam. Even when on those bad days that hang around - and throw our eqilibrium and peace of mind out the back door....we already know that it is only a tempory state of mind....it does pass though - that is one thing you can be certain of. We have the risen above before, as there was always something or someone to make us realise that it's time to let the sadness be not so sad - and then we can let the joy come back into our lives. Today I am just so thankful for having you in my life - and can understand that this is naturally one of those times when you must be feeling very emotional ..... and you wouldn't be Anam if you didn't. You cannot show such love for mankind, without having strong emotion? 'The Prophet' has a want to be heard......Anam.

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked - And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with tears.

How else can it be?

The deeper the sorrow carves into your being,the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful, look again into your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is better than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseperable. - Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. - Only when you are empty are you at a standstill and balanced. - When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

*******

This must surely be a very sad time for you, Anam, and I wish that you will soon start to raise your spirits, even just a little.....for I have found that once the spirit can begin it's ascent, then something almost miraculous starts to flow on from there...like a seed that grows .... and sometimes it only takes a very little....to make a big difference. Then you will feel the change within as you realise that you're back again with renewed hope Remember that you are a lot stronger than you may be thinking you are, at this time, and once the intense stage subsides, then it will be the beginning of the upward swing...... which is just around the corner.... the scales will start to tilt the other way - for they do have a tendency to fluctuate.

Please do not take to much notice about my obvious errors recently, and you have my apologies for causing you any dissappointment. When did you say your nephew and his wife coming over? Was it in a couple of days? I'll send my best wishes - all over again and they're on their way right now!

Anam, I empathise with you....and also sympathise with you!

Yes, I remember the experience with the narcissist, that I was involved with, and the continual stress and the trauma and despondency of it all. If I had known what I was getting into - I wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place. I was in love with the illusion....not him. The sadness is all over....and I know that he is 'beyond'. It makes it easier to know that he is not a person that I would ever have gotten involved with if I had known who he was....drinks far too much, swears far too much, get angry far too much, makes me feel like nothing, the only reason I wasn't receiving all the violence that was lurking....was because of resolving to just accept doing as I was told...and without question...and with a smile as well.etc etc Even after all that, he still thought that I'd be looking forward to returing to him...... Obviously doesn't understand some of the basics regarding human nature .....sheer brilliant on one hand and major short-circuit on the other.

The comment about me not being able to comprehend you 'ever' being a bad partner....is meant as a total compliment....the little rub comes at the end when I say...'but I'm biased.'

Until next time Anam

Love,

LA Rosa

November 25, 2003
7:20 am
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Anam

THE INSPIRATION GIFT

A little inspiration arrives as a welcome delight, - A nourishing gift to your soul, - An imparted insight, - Setting your spirit dancing, - Without feeling a doubt, - Letting your heart reveal, - What your truth is about. LA Rosa

Let us inspire to move towards our demons - for they take their power from our retreat.

Hope and fear are travelling companions.

Can you tell when you are using your intelligence to avoid learning?

It would be so very much appreciated Anam, to share the following with you. Of course I have been hoping that your sadness is beginning to lift a little, a little bit at a time to start with.If there is one thing that I have learned my friend, it is to keep hope alive.... for I know that without hope - I could not have survived that year with my 'little narc'. Hope is hope. Ironically, one of the things that saved me from the clutches of my narcissist, was my realisation that he would never even want to understand me, never mind love me.... It all didn't seem to have very much to do with me at all....it was just that he wanted me....and he wanted me to be just the way - he wanted me to be... To be taken fairly lierally. Had he been a little more human - in those earlier stages, than he was, - sorry.... correction - had he been a lot more human, maybe I would not have felt the imminent danger that sent me into shock...that he didn't even notice!! Maybe it was all the stress he was going through...having me there. Or maybe it was really all because he had been inflicted with the horror of horrors for men....the night before I arrived. I was immediately flung into the role of listening to his problems, history, achievements, passions, expectations, and listening to all the lies, although I'm not sure if he really he actually knew for sure they were lies....I'm sure he believed some of them were the truth. Through all the emotional overtures....I had distanced myself from them, because the red lights were flashing, letting me know that....This man was not the same man who had projcted himself to me. I didn't know then what a nacissist was like. Perhaps if cicumstances had've been different....I would've become completely taken over, caught in a situation that would've been the end of me....for I knew I couldn't keep up the facade....even if I had wanted to....I know how much energy I could continually afford to exert, before burning out.... So I probably could've lasted another year at the most before either the white van coming to take me away - or the other way. Without the hope and the faith that one day I'd be free....I wouldn't be here today. That is what I believe. If I cannot blame a man who's crazy?....How can I blame myself?...for I am who I am too. Have I learned my lesson? I certainly hope so! But I do blame myself for not getting out quicker. I've gone over it...and I know that I should forgive myself BUT it is hard to. How can I convince myself that there wasn't any way out? So that doesn't make me feel that I truly love myself. When I was in the bad situation, I considered what it would be like if I killed myself ....but really didn't want to do that, and couldn't get my head around it anyway. Why should I die because of him?! Then I thought it would be both of us....and then the lovely picture of just how beautiful my life would be...just without him in it....that's a much better idea, if anyone is going - it's him! I was just wishing that I had all my faculties working well....but knew that I didn't....and I 'really' didn't want to go through it....but it was something I needed to think about at one stage. Not so much because I hated him, although I must have been bordering on it....but because I wanted to live!! But I didn't do it! So I was prepared to die?! I have had some experience living one day at a time!!! Living in the hope - that I would be able to keep up the illusion of being his 'everything'!

And live to love another day....to find my Anam Cara (soul frind) There has to be hope Anam! Take good care.

Love,

LA Rosa

LA Rosa

November 25, 2003
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Anam

When I said that - "It all didn't seem to have very much to do we me at all," I was meaning very shortly after I had arrived in Scotland, and in the door. Up until then....i was a totally different. It was as much all about me as it was all about him. That was the way I thought it was.... it was not the way he saw it though!

Just to let you know another thing as well Anam...I 'have' forgiven myself. I realised later on - that it had been something I didn't even want to be aware of - that I may have stayed there because I was co-dependent.... and I couldn't face any more shocks at that time! It meant though that there was doubt. I just have to make an effort to give myself a little more credit these days. I am hoping that your 'little appreticeship' is at your side....and I'll be holding on tightly!

Love,

LA Rosa

November 25, 2003
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Hi La Rosa,

Had not heard from you in a long time. Thinking of you and hoping you are well.

Love,

Zinnie

November 26, 2003
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Hi Zinnie! So nice of you to to inqire as to how I am....and as you can imagine - I appeciate your thoughtfulnes very much. Every now and then you have come back into my thoughts, and I've hoped that you were really keeping as well and as happy, as I would like to think you are. This little while back - I have been doing quite a lot of soul searching, and coming around to realising that I need to make peace wth my mother....I think it would be a good idsa for me to just 'let go' of the resentment that I have been harbouring against her. Today was the day, when I was just going to be myself, and not feel intimidated or look to her for the validation that I didn't get from her, when I needed it..... decades ago. Validation that can never be given 'now' anyway! What a nice day we had together! Things just seemed to go so well.... and it was just so natural! I feel as though I have made a connection with myself also....and this makes me feel much more optimistic and perhaps even more confident. Mmmmm?! My mother was enjoying our connecting as well, and so I couldn't have asked for a better day. It has been a day to remember! I hope that this day has been good to you too, Zinnie.

Love,

LA Rosa

November 26, 2003
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Anam

What a difference a day makes.... twenty four little hours! Who can know - what the next twenty four little hours may hold in store for us! Each day, I feel inspired anew - to reach a little further - to dig a little deeper - to allow myself to heal a little more - and to remember to 'love' each day anew!

I want to thank you Anam, for being the inspiration that you are....

Love,

LA Rosa

November 26, 2003
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Hi La Rosa,

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful experience with me, I feel honored.

I hope things in your life continue to improve as they are.

Thank you for thinking of me, however, I'm sure when you do, you also imagine a crazy little red LOUD dog who is only 10 lbs., running around the house with his loud toys, climbing on things and causing havoc too. That is his way of saying "hello"

Love,

Zinnie

November 26, 2003
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Anam

I do understand now, my dear Anam, as I feel sorrow - and it is very sad. It is just overwhelming me at this very moment, as the penny has just dropped onto a conscious level, as I realise it has been there all along, just waiting to surface. I could not deny it, as much as I tried to bury it. Yes, Anam, I am feeling it now....but as yet, I have no idea what I will do with it - other than just feel it! I think this is as it should be....and I feel for you. I must go now and feel this, just feel it!

Love,

LA Rosa

November 27, 2003
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La Rosa

Thank you for your support and helpful words.

Yes I understand about when the penny drops - mine hit the floor with a heavy thud when my wife brought up the issue of divorce. She had found out that her income would increase if she was a divorced women. I guess for me - I was still a bit tender to the complete realisation that we were finished.

I find this a strange thing actually - moving away yet still hanging onto something that I thought was love.

She and I had a great day when she accompanied me last Sunday for a meal in a restaurant with my lost - now found nephew.

When she speaks to me over the phone she cannot hide her bitterness - and she in fact told me that she is still disappointed at what has happened to us. Yet she left me to move into her daughters life big time? There is no point in me saying " bitter! How do you think I feel!" .

La Rosa - just wish I could send you the photo's of us together in the restaurant last Sunday - we do look a fetching loving couple. But looks can be so deceiving. What AM I trying to prove for God's sake!

The 5 day visit from my nephew and his wife were magical ( see my Coffeehouse story about the detail).

Ok girl - I love talking to you - have you considered taking up writing a book? I can see the cover now - a soft pink rose - as the complete background and the name La Rosa on a lavender bow.

You keep being you my dear La Rosa. You have so much to offer a lucky man.

Anam

November 28, 2003
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Anam

I'm so pleased to hear that the visit from your nephew and his wife went so well for all of you. They were in very good hands with you Anam - to show them all around, and help make their stay a most memorable and enjoyable one..... with nice moments to remember!

At the moment, I am just doing a little grieving for what was supposed to be....in rememberance of the way I thought it would be....in respect of my own values.... I want to really get over this - by accepting that my little narc and I were never really meant to be. It was just a bad error of judgement, based on trusting too much - too soon....and not wanting to feel the pain in knowing the truth of the matter....this person does not love me. Time to move on....to better things!

Thank you being so supportive Amam..... Writing a book could be a very good idea. I've thought about doing it before.....it is appealing! Yes - I'll let you know!! TTFN

Love,

LA Rosa

November 28, 2003
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LA Rosa

Yes - know about that feeling of grief and disappointment - and what could have beens.

I have stood a small photograph of our wedding up on the mantel piece -I look at it and wonder why it has taken me so long to understand the WHY.

Never saw it coming - sex/love - love/sex has a lot to answer for - I leapt into both like a 20 year old.

I feel the same as you about moving on - whilst I would agree that a narcissist loves self most of all - but they can still miss an accommodating partnership. That is their sort of love. Thus you maybe surprised if he asks you to stay - men are very selfish - so watch his moves when he sees you are strong in your resolve. He will want to get you back into the shedding shed.

Whilst a male can as I say - be very selfish - my narcissist women is BITTER! How are you La Rosa? Do you feel hate?

Could you ever forgive him - then turn and leave?

You are a really nice thoughtful person - and you poses what a normal man would give his right arm for.

Could I clone you. Maybe thousands of La Rosa's could be released into society. I could do with one like you to return the affection I would gladly give her.

I will (I promise you) write immediately I find my Anam Cara in Bath Somerset. - I could perhaps give you a few tips!

Love. Anam.

November 30, 2003
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Hello Anam! The sorrow in letting go of 'what could have been'....can be devasating! It came over me in a wave that left me in tears of despair and anguish - and I am getting over it Anam. I hope that you are coping and doing so to, for then you may come to your beautiful Anam Cara..... with all that you have to offer each other! It is an opportunity rich in healing potential - and filled with love in making of the necessary preparations for her arrival - who is also yearning for you, Anam Cara himself! It is certainly an appropriate time to reflect and also realise that this may very well be the dawning of a truly inspiring new era..... the void will heal. I am speaking for myself as well, of course, my dear Anam. I felt betrayed, by a man who needs to control me - and who would prefer to distinguish my spirit rather than nourish or nurture it.....How do I feel now? The fear of not being good enough is lifting quite steadily, along with my fear of never meeting my Anam Cara... so the sorrow is but a mere sadness that I feel sure I can handle.... as I can now truly appreciate how miserable I would be in any kind of prison!... Every little realisation like that is another important little step in the right direction - as I am also finding some of the very elusive answers to some very appropriate questions. That gives me a lot of comfort right now Anam.... and the sadness that hovers around is surely transforming into a brighter future with real potential - one that will require 'me' - to at least accept and show myself some genuine respect! For I have some preparing to do myself.

As you can imagine, my dear Anam, I would certainly appreciate any tips you may have to offer me....and I'll be looking forward to anything you think can help with a lot of interest indeed! I would love to share any little enlighteners with you. Let me give you a big hug!!

I honestly thought that my relationship with my narcissist was based on 'true love'! No way of seeing it in any other light than that - at the time! Jumping into the sea of 'love' with such profound feeling of conviction and overwhelming joy and desire in my heart - like I've never known before! etc etc - This is Love! Real Love!! Let it be known LA Rosa is in love - big-time! Forever and ever - until the end of eternity!! How could I have possibly gotten something like 'that'... so wrong??! Can I forgive him?! Yes!....it's part of the preparation for Anam Cara. It won't do me any good to hold on to baggage of this nature. He may be forgiven but I could never trust him! If he asks me to return to him......which he has already done - as much as it would have been so nice to believe that the beautiful feelings I once had for him are still alive - the reality is that they were not meant for him - and he'll never have any idea of how beautiful those feelings really were - for his priority was being in control and being catered to one way or the other! Where is the love there? It has been a relationship of drastic extremes - between supposedly hitting the 'true love' jackpot - and surviving the quicksand in true reality. It just shows how very little he actualy even noticed 'me'! That says everything I need to know about him....he is not sincere!! I do not think I am bitter Anam....Little narc is not as important to me as I once believed him to be!

Love,

LA Rosa

November 30, 2003
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La Rosa

Thanks for the hug - cannot understand why people do not do it more - it breaches a thousand words.

Sure thing La Rosa about keeping in touch post my move and new life - its the wonderful thing about these threads - in builds bridges into so many peoples loves.

I shall always be around for you to talk to - a two way street indeed.

Its Sunday so I thought I would roast a bit of beef - sorry just thought that you may be a vegetarian? I can prepare for two - because I also have an interest in vegetarian dishes.
I would very much like you to sling a leg over the fence and share a Sunday meal with me - we could leave the dishes until later then watch a video - what kind of movie do you like?

I have just finished an art project - first time in many months - I could not even contemplate painting. My studio normally smells of fresh art oils - but lately a smell of damp is in the air.

I have a little wood burning stove to keep the studio warm - the odd model expects to be treated royally. I make tea or coffee for them - but as I say my art has suffered badly these past 9 months. Will get it together in Bath Somerset. Have you ever been to Bath?

Well I must go down stairs to put the roast potatoes on and a parsnip makes a wonderful meal roasted.

'Wish You Were here' as the ubixutse seaside post card - in the Victorian days - always said.

Love . Anam

December 1, 2003
5:44 am
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Anam

It would be really nice to share a Sunday meal with you, my dear Anam, and I would be over that fence in a shot, and I'm sorry to have missed out on such a lovely occasion to share the pleasure of your company.... most especially one of your delicious Sunday home cooked roast beef dinners.Mmmm! Yes Anam, thank you so much for the lovely invitation. Maybe next Sunday morning will be a good time to make one of my favourite little deserts - that I think you would like - sherry fruit trifle!

The only places I've ever been to in England, Anam, and all as a small child - was the little holiday in Blackpool for a few weeks, Brighton and London. I've actually stood outside Buckingham Palace with my little Union Jack! - and not forgetting the shipping place, perhaps somewhere around the Bournemouth area, when we left to live in Australia. We met and knew quite a few English people there, as there were lots of other people from Great Britain who were living where we stayed, in the immigrants hostel, in Sydney, Australia. It was nice to have a lot of people, who had so much in common and could help make the transition of adapting to a whole new environment - so much easier. When one of our London neighbours, a famiy of five, decided to settle in New Zealand, the friendship became very strong indeed. They even lived with us for a while - when they arrived - and we all got on so well together .... and have remained good friends to this day! That's what happens when I get going Anam, you get the little story. :~)

Any movie that has a good story-line, is fine with me. I like Alfred Hitchcock, Anthony Hopkins, Jack Nicholson and Robert Danero - just off the top of my head. A good thriller or a brilliant mystery, a beautiful romance like 'Titanic', or a romance-comedy like 'As Good As It Gets.'....one thing that's very good to know is that - I can watch a good movie quite a few times before seeing it too much! So I'm sure we'll be able to come up with one that we would really enjoy!

As you know already Anam, I think you are an inspirational artist, so I am concerned to hear that your art has been suffering....circumstances make that quite understandable right now.... If you should ever feel in the mood, and feeling inclined, just remember that I have an interest in art too. So if you would like to warm up to your natural talent....I would love to watch on. Who knows?! I could end up painting you! Yes Anam, I've just realised that one day I am going to paint you. So I'd better start putting in a little bit of practice - to do you some justice! :~) Mmmm!

Oh yes, I do look forward to our little times together Anam, and it's lovely to see you again.

Love,

LA Rosa

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