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Where Do I Begin?
November 4, 2003
6:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi La Rosa,

You can pull up http://www.peoplesearch.com. They charge a fee, but I believe it is less than $95.00 U.S. They can find the information you are needing with what information you have available. They usually need: full name, place and date of birth and they can go from there. At the least, you will know if your son is safe.

I hope you find what you are seeking.

Love,

Zinnie

& of course the little red LOUD dog!

November 4, 2003
8:25 pm
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LA Rosa
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Thanks Zinnie That's what I'll do ....this very afternoon. It's certainly an issue that is needing some long overdue serious attention. I'm off to find it right now Zinnie and get on to it poste haste. Thank you once again Zinnie for being so supportive, naturally including the little precious and affectionate the little red Loud dog as well...X 🙂 LOL

LA Rosa

November 6, 2003
7:03 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi Zinnie! The wheels are finally in motion! http://www.peoplesearch.com now have new listing in the search engine....the first step - with the coice of a couple of good possibility options to go on to from here. (I couldn't mention everything though!) Whatta relief it's started! LOL

LA Rosa

p.s.'Bye-bye little red LOUD dog!' 🙂

November 6, 2003
4:23 pm
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Zinnie
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Good La Rosa!

I hope you can find him, just to know he is safe for your own peace of mind.

Love,

Zinnie

November 11, 2003
12:10 am
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LA Rosa
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A Big 'Hello' to all my friends, and especialy for Anam , Ladedska and Zinnie....oh yes and never forgetting the infamous little red LOUD dog..... All my best wishes are being sent your way.

Over the past few days I have been filled with the need to get myself together 'upstairs':- to get over a lot of the conditioning that could very likely have interfered with my personal developement - even though I really knew that what I was going through was merely a human condition, that is driving me to integrate the different parts of my personality - into a whole, well balanced 'me', and thereby knowing and understanding myself and then ACCEPTING myself. What has happened, I am led to believe, is that certain parts have been 'suppressed' far too much - in some sort of insecure attempt to 'fit in' with society at large - most definitely individuals. Is it any wonder I couldn't feel right about this person (the actor) that I have felt compelled to project as 'the real me'? What I've come up with though, is that this state of self-confusion is generated from 'my' unbalance between the feelings part within, the 'will' compartment, and also the other two places that hold the other parts or pieces - that are also involved in the 'whole' me .....or anyone else for that matter! We are all finding out, and becoming more familiar with those parts of ourselves that have been suppressed through the conditioning that has been imposed upon us since we were not much older than new-born babies, when we were naturally being ourselves....and oh so vulnerable! The point I'm trying to make is:- that there are parts of ourselves that should have a little breathing space - a bit more say in the big picture of each personal identity - especially when it is hard to understand 'why' I could've ever have gotten caught up in such a destructive situation that has been effectively intent in breaking down my own natural identity....one that seems to be intent in continually discouraging instead of encouraging my progress in life - to be ME (as I see fit).Mmmmm! Yes,I like it! Let the dance begin!! Probably the major problem for me, was in thinking that this integrating process, could be all due to my medical condition, that also had effected my mental equilibrium when experiencing amnesia.......especially the extreme type - when I didn't even know who my mother and father were! So, it's back to being vulnerable again and re- learning a lot of the ropes real fast...too fast in certain areas! Going along with...giving too much credit to others....feeling that there is something missing....with me. etc. Just to know that if I had only understood that it was/is a natural process for everyone.It feels as though I have made a breakthrough! One bit of information - that hadn't been properly processed....that can make such a very big difference, in the big picture. What a difference a day can make!
Now I can start to focus on what I can, and would like to do - and turn my life around....there are a few areas that I would be interested to look at, and the first one is in art. After winning first and second prize in an art competition (just as a kid though), I'm thinking that perhaps it is a good time to take it further, instead of leaving it to remain one of those things that I've just kept putting off. The whys and wherefores not even needing to be thrashed out. Now that really is a welcome change! Perhaps the venue for this art work could be channelled through greeting cards - maybe I could also have some 'OK' poetry to contribute as well, plus a little bit of NZ perhaps in the background...and set the cards off just so so nice.....and simple! Ladeska - there is even some healthy interest in photography, the actual taking of photograhs - dark-room stuff - and the modelling, all with my brothers who had set up the dark-room to develope the pictures very professionally. Singing is probably best left for pleasure only....although there was a time when.....blah blah blah Now I'm quite content to be just looking forward to singing at little get togethers with 'friends and family', and in the shower. Did I hear Anam say, that he would like me to sing a song? Anam, you have got it!...and it will be a pleasure indeed. Please excuse my big self-focus project, as I give a mention to another part of me, that is actually already being taken care of, it is in the area of verbal discussion.....communication. I still have a desire to help others, as I'm not all just about me me me .......and feel that I could be doing more, to be able to shed more 'light' in our world, and hopefully become a source of comfort and inspiration for anyone who is receptive. I'm in the right place right now, to be experiencing how beneficial the effects of those very qualities really are....since recently becoming involved with people who really do care about other people....and I know who they are! 🙂 LOL

LA Rosa

LA Rosa

November 11, 2003
12:58 am
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mj
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You Go La Rosa 🙂

I use to be a professional photographer and totally understand this innate passion to express oneself. I too lost myself. It is so nice to see you so positive in your journey. Best Wishes.

November 11, 2003
2:00 am
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Anam Cara
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Love to hear you sing and unpick your tangled Webb. Stay with your you because you are not used to considering YOURSELF. We all love your YOU La Rosa.

Art well hum;;;; Winston Churchill painted for his pleasure - all over the world. I have been to his home called Chartwell in Kent - seen his garden studio. His chair - smelt his smoke - the cigar and paints many times squeezed by this great hand.

A poster depicts one of his sayings ----' When I get to Heaven I shall spend the first million years studying art'.

My brother Arthur was really a natural born artist. When he was only eight the school master phoned my Dad and said "please come to the schools craft day I want you to see what your son has made from plastercine" dad replied that he was actually too busy to come - the art teacher said you will come!

From this material he had made a farmyard scene - won first prize.

This art ability stayed with him throughout his life - but he did little with it but moan about how much better an artist he would have been if dad had only sent him to art school - yet he never got off his butt to take an evening course throughout his whole mature life.

La Rosa - God has given you many talents - for me art is an expression of the soul- a thumb print as it were. Your art will naturally come out as you move away from what you think holds you back.

I once read a story about Duncan Grant the artist who invited a lady to join him in his studio painting for the day. At the end of the day she looked back at her work and said "Duncan what a mess" he replied "Oh yes but what fun!"

Would you join me La Rosa in my studio? - I will make you a nice cup of tea with a carefully arranged plate of biscuits - we could dip our brush into the same pot - paint the same piece of still life - yet our thumb print will make our pictures different. Pop over the fence and join me - I need you very much at the moment. You inspire me with your self rendering.

In Art you can escape from your concerns - it demands this of you. Anything less and the canvas remains blank without expression. Make your canvas move - join me, and us all - as we journey towards recovery.

Well for starters spend a day out with the coffee gang on our coach tour!

Love. Anam

November 11, 2003
4:25 am
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LA Rosa
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Many thanks - mj - for your most appreciated sentiments of support. How 'de ja vu' it feels to have that 'positivity' finally return to where it belongs......and it would appear that there will be no going back for me...not now! Mmmmmm! Gee that feels soo goood. (big sigh) The journey ahead shall be filled with expression and delight! BBFN- mj -LOL

LA Rosa

November 11, 2003
5:08 am
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LA Rosa
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Hello Anam! It is so very nice to see you again. I just had to let you know that I do think it's a wonderful idea, to have me visit your studio. Thank you very much. I just wish it could be right now, but in the morning I will be all freshenrd up and set for popping over the garden fence, to join you.......and so looking forward to it! Sleepy-byes are calling me off to dreamland just now. Pleasant dreams for certain. TTFN & LOL

LA Rosa

November 11, 2003
5:48 pm
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LA Rosa
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Hello Anam! How are you? I do hope that the master is feeling quite inspired today - just as I am... Lovely to be here with you Anam. Oh yes! A cup of tea is just what I need right now....and biscuits too! You really do know how to spoil me. Thank you Anam, you are most gracious and have always made me feel so very welcome. The atmosphere is so warm and inviting, calm and clear, and certainly sensitive with harmonious vibes bouncing all around....I am so pleased to be here with you Anam.

You know how you can wake up one day to have an answer to a question that
has puzzled you for ages......and then, just like that, it is all so clear to you? That was how it was for me the other day. The answer lay in the fact that although I had considered that everyone goes through many things in common with others, I just couldn't quite rid myself of the demoralising effect of feeling that I was going to be a worse-case scenario. It wasn't that I didn't like myself, but I didn't really believe that others would be able to understand who I really was. There were many negative triggers, to remind me in many ways, I could no longer dream the dreams that had become ingrained in me as a child, when I was totally accepted as 'me'. Even though I hadn't felt it initially, after the accident, the feeling of shame was creeping in.... to make me start to think that once people found out, about who I really was, right here and now so to speak ......then it would be just another rejection. But would you like to know what it really truly was? I can't believe that I have just said what I have just said! There was shame involved....I could never know for sure, if certain things were happening because they would have happened...regardless of the accident...or if they were actually happening because I never had the ability, or whatever was required in the first place. I wouldn't want to become a scapegoat expert, always blaming everything on that accident....if you can see what I mean Anam. So the odds were, that at least some of my problems were always because of who I was - me! I think that that was the thought pattern ttat left me so confused and feeling so helpless and extremely vulnerable. Quite a dilema! Being a third born child only confirmed to me that this feeling of vulnerability was quite natural, seeing as how I had two elder siblings to cut my teeth on. Where does the feeling of vulnerability......REALLY come from! All the pros and cons, trying to find some logical sense, and needing to know the answer! This is all so that I can either accept myself or not! Dilema of dilemas!! The real good news is, that I believed underneath it all, the only answer lay in having enough awareness of how some things make some people the way they are. I suppose that could be why Anam, I want to let you know, through self rendering - as you so aptly put it- who I am.....that way you see,I can be assured of not having to concern myself with any thoughts of 'But if you only really knew the whole story ...then you wouldn't think all that much of me at all!! I know my friend, but it is better than feeling like some kind of fraud! I'm picking that it will be just another one of those tempory measures. It used to be such a great weight on my shoulders that still lurks in the cracks I expect ....and on it's way out. It is all extremely relevant, and leads to greater understanding.......never mind that I was basically just trying to understand little ol' 'me', in the beginning!

Another cup of tea? Why yes and thank you, Anam.....that would most definitely be appreciated! Ahhh!! Just perfect! Nothing like a nice hot cuppa. Mmmmm! Time now to go to the little ladies room.....just excuse me for a little while Anam. Won't be long.....

LA Rosa

November 11, 2003
7:42 pm
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Anam Cara
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La Rosa

I recognised who you were weeks ago - you are like me - like her - like him - and all the rest of us!

Vulnerable - ah yes - its no stranger to me - life can be scary - especially when you only have your inner self - in which to be true.

When when when - you bring out your true self it can be like a horror film - like when you hide behind a book or drop your gaze.

Since being left to fend for myself - it has taken me some six months to even address the question what am I really all about - are you really only full of shit. When this occurs I put me away quickly. These days I get me out more often - take a look at me in the mirror of life. Some days I think hmmm not so bad really! as soon as I have this positive thought I ram me back into the box in case the better me would perhaps vaporise - and so on.

La Rosa I feel very very vulnerable - talking to you and many others here gives me a sort of meaning.

I have let another almost destroy me - running fast away from her because I will never cope with my co-dependency living just around the corner.

I have eventually come to relies that I chose the wrong person to fall in love with. I actually miss being directed . Time now to get better - time on my hands to talk to you - which would have been out of the question in my previous relationship. Yes things are gradually improving - may take a peep at myself as I write this note because it is really me talking tonight!

Night night dear La Rosa - feel I can get my head down now. 12.30am ----snore

Anam.

November 12, 2003
2:07 am
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LA Rosa
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Yes Anam, you are so right. It is time to get better....and that is what we are doing, even as we speak. I have a little piece of poetry that I thought you may enjoy....

Our lives are like honey combs - with spaces to fill our time - as we choose

Most spaces filled with activities - to maintain our body and lifestyle

We also have spaces available - for the intertwining of relationship- As we relate one on one - we weave our threads of separateness - into a tapestry - which seems solid and permanent

When a personal relationship disintegrates - we feel pain - as the cloth of our bonding - is torn to shreds - it hurts to rip apart from the relationship we create

To once again establish - our peace and harmony - we can begin reweaving the torn threads - Into a more refined tapestry

Eventually we create an intimate relationship - out of mutual unconditional caring love - Steeped in harmony - Withstanding external pressure and changes

As I am aware Anam, you have already perceived this....and doing the best thing....let me just remind you of the most important thing of all - that you would miss, if you did not do what you are doing now. I believe you would miss out on YOU....and so many others would also miss you Anam. That is the way I am seeing it, and I am so glad that you have made the choice to move forward. This is a big step, not an easy one, one that will ultimately bring with it the freedom of expression, for your essential self to develope - without compromise. As you have said yourself Anam Cara...you must be you. Thank you Anam, for just being you. Anam must create beautiful inspiring magic .... it cannot be compromisd....it is in your heart and soul!

Love,

LA Rosa

November 12, 2003
10:44 pm
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LA Rosa
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Ahh Yes Anam...now I think I get it! Maybe the need for expression is, such an inate passion, as - mj - has pointed out, so much of a passion that it cannot and ultimately wiil not be denied....for to do so would destroy us! Kahil Gibran, the author of 'The Prophet', has a beautiful way of putting things Anam, and here is a few lines for you, and for everyone else who may be receptive:-

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul,

If either your sails or your rudder be broken,you can but toss and drift, or else be held be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to it's own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;

And let it direcet your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

And since you are a breath in God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

Psychologically speaking - I have already left this place that was once my home with my son Willie - I have already detatched in May 2002, and hardly recognise myself in this place here now - for what it once represented - to me- The pain of parting this numbness of spirit will be the pain of freedom.

The vulnerability that I can still feel, has its highs and lows, my dear Anam, but I am feeling now that a lot of 'it' is actually stemming from ignorance. If that is the case .... then it must be time to do my homework! Now that really would put a different angle on the situation .... I wouldn't have nearly so many 'little' doubts. Just another little step in the right direction. All I know for sure, is that I too, am leaving!

Love,

La Rosa

November 13, 2003
1:55 am
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Anam Cara
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La Rosa

Looking back over your early words - could hardly now recognise the La Rosa that has now emerged - you have so much in your YOU!

Please meet me under the Clock at Liverpool Street Station - I will buy you a single yellow La Rose for a break to freedom!

I can see you striding up to me with a grin - what an embrace - hugs !

La Rosa - love your words and your poetry in the previous post - it shouts out why you are you!

Going to dag up the house today to give me a head start before the Senator arrives - I wonder what they like to eat - well should know from all the grub in the coffeehouse - what do you think I could make for them . Are you also capable with the cuisine? I think Haggis would be out.

TTFN - love. Anam.

November 13, 2003
8:24 pm
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LA Rosa
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Anam

Haggis is an absolute No No! Yuk! How about a nice & simple roast - mint - lamb dinner - served with potatoes, peas, brocolli, pumpkin and gravy... followed by a delicious sherry fruit trifle with whipped cream and strawberries on top? Oh no, trifle would not be appropriate at this time of year Anam....better change that to steamed raisin pudding with custard. Now that is something I'd be very happy to cook-up for you Anam.... and I'm sure the Senator would enjoy it too....and if you like, there could even be some lentil soup to start off with.... Do you think that sounds like something he may enjoy? 🙂

LA Rosa

November 14, 2003
5:33 pm
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LA Rosa
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Anam

It is so good to know that you can see some depth of character in me, and I must thank you sincerely Anam, for showing me so much kind support.

As soon as I can, I will be in my own little place, with my own bit of space, with the freedom to live my life MY WAY. Now that will be a day worth celebrating! Still undecided as yet, about what it is that I'll be doing to make this actually become a reality....but I'm working on it. LOL

LA Rosa

LA Rosa

November 14, 2003
7:50 pm
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Anam Cara
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La Rosa

Moving starts in your head - then the planning - then the move.

It maybe some time before all these things come together - much sadness and tears . Then the break out - then the doubts.

You have already moved from your first stand point - tack it easy for you have come a long way very quickly.

I was referring to you when I spoke to you on the coach - you are the poet !

Anam

November 14, 2003
10:39 pm
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Zinnie
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La Rosa,

I have to agree with Anam! Are you even the same person?

You GO girl!

Love ya,

Zinnie

November 17, 2003
6:10 pm
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LA Rosa
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Anam. As long as I have it clear in my mind - and can feel in my bones, that my situation is only tempory, then the planning starts to go into effect - and I don't have to get overly-anxious. That is the stage I have reached and have headed your wise counsel Anam, for I know that you make a lot of sense through your understanding and compassion. I know that it would be physically and mentally too much for me to cope with leaving here, just right now....not while my nervous system's still recouperating from all the stress and trauma...there are things that have to be organised, checked out, considered - not necessarily in that order - that requires time - so I'm not going to rush into anything just to escape the pressure of still being here, it will not be allowed to drain me anymore! The past few days I have been completely exhausted, and do need to get a more uninterupted sleep pattern....look after myself a bit better and make a point of drinking a lot more water. It hadn't been that long ago when I thought that I would be finally going to make it on my own. As I put it myself "I'll be independant...with a little help from my friends." The money from selling up the property I had called home, had made me debt free with enough left over to see me right for any emergency......and I had brought up my son Willie. It was time to move on and experience life in a way that I had only dreamed of all my life. It just so happened that I would be doing it on my own, without anyone else to run the show. Now I'd be able to get a little car and get around without needng help, live more and find my way. At the back of my mind though, I was still not really making the grade. I knew that this positive attitude was largely to do with knowing that I had the little bit of money to back me up.....I had planned it this way for many years, all going well of course. As the carpet has been pulled from under my feet, I am now faced with doing it on my own merit - without any buffe.... in a way that will command respect - even from me - about me! To turn this around now...even 'I' will have to admit to myself, that this is a show of great strength of character on my part. I hadn't planned that before!! To do this - what I've always needed to do it seems - in order to feel good about myself and in control of my own life. So when I start feeling the urge to move - fast - and then becoming very anxious....then I need to breath - deep - slow breaths - and calm down! There is no need to panic, I remind myself, I am alredy moving forward. There are ways that I had no idea about before - to be able to take care of myself....and that is very reassuring!! Just to know that I can - means I know I will. There is no turning back!

Here is another piece of poetic wisdom that I would like to share - from Kahil Gibran's 'The Prophet' - which can shed some light on Freedom.....

And how shall you rise above your days and nights, unless you break the chains which you, at the dawn of your understanding have fastened around your noon hour?

In truth that which you call freedom is the strongest of these chains, though its links glitter in the sun and dazzle your eyes.

And what is it but fragments of your own self you would discard, that you may become free?

If it is an unjust law you would abolish, that law was written with your own hand upon your own forehead.
You cannot erase it by burning your lawbooks nor by washing the foreheads of your judges, though you pour the sea upon them.

And if it is a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed. For how can a tyrant rule the free and the proud, but for a tyranny in their own freedom and a shame in their own pride?

And if it is a care you would cast off, that care has been chosen by you raher than imposed upon you.

And if it is a fear you would dispel, the seat of that fear is in your heart and not in the hand of the feared.

Verily all things move within your being, in constant half embrace, the desired and the dreaded,the repugnant and the cherished, the pursued and that which you would escape.

These things move within us as lights and shadows in pairs that cling. And when the shadow fades and is no more, the light that lingers becomes a shadow to another light. And thus your freedom when it loses its fetters, becomes itself the fetter of a great freedom.

***********

I know now that I am getting there - and like I always knew - even before - it was always going to be - with a little help from my friends! Mmmmm! (understatement)((<---BIG HUGS--->))

Love Always,

LA Rosa

November 17, 2003
7:26 pm
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La Rosa

I feel very close to the words that you have just written - because like you - movement towards ones goal can at times be very distressful. For instance - sometimes I feel so positive then for no reason I fall into a lonely pit - tonight is for instance - dropped off in the chair whilst watching a movie.
Suddenly I awoke with a feeling of awful fear - not accepting that my story could possible be true. Where is my wife? Perhaps she's in another room upstairs - finally reality sets in and I feel desperate.

I also emphasise with your feeling of being strapped for cash - a poke can be very sustaining and to lose your nest egg must have been a blow.

I have a dear friend whom I employed years ago - he came to me a desperate lonely man. His wife had an affair - left him with the children and had her fling. She eventually returned and he accepted her back - months after she said that she was going out to the shops - he asked her if she would take his suit to the cleaners - suddenly he thought he had left something in his suit pockets so he dashed down the road some 10 minuets behind her.

As he passed by a telephone booth he noticed his suit inside - his wife was making a call - he swung the door open - yes she had started up with her boyfriend again . He knocked her down in the street . This ended his relationship completely - this time he left home leaving his two children for her to fend for - he maintained them which crippled him financially. He became a broken desperate poor man.

This was the state he was in when came to work for me - he worked hard and gradually things began to improve. Someone arranged a blind date for him and he found his second wife - she produced him two further children. I used to wonder how the hell he would ever become economically sound again - but he did and now enjoys a happy life. He continued to maintain his first children up to the age of sixteen.

My point is - at times things look impossible - but if you continue with your head held high you will see over the mountain.

Back to me cos I like talking about mee!

This is my second loss - first wife died young - I had a successful working life and spent practically everything on my second wife to please her - Never did I think I would be in this position that I find myself in today with a large mortgage.

But I am ready (yes sad) to stride out again. For me - whilst there are people out there I want to live. I will find what I am destined to find ----my Anam Cara (Soul friend).

You know - I know - there is one for you. Keep looking forward - try and accept your bad days with the understanding things can only get better. Lets indeed hold hands.

Love Anam.

November 17, 2003
7:35 pm
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LA Rosa
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Zinnie. You certainly had me going there for a little while! I had to really think hard about your question..."Are you even the same person?" Mmmm?! It took me back to a time when an older woman, someone I had respected and had felt was my friend for many years, although it had mainly been an obvious assumption on my part - said to me outright.... "But LA Rosa!...You weren't the same person after that accident, now were you?!"...said with the intention to humiliate I never did answer her, but just felt so devastated and betrayed at the actual moment. I was so thankful that it was just a telephone conversation. "Who do you think I became anyway?"...I felt like asking her. With friends like that - you don't need enemies! That was then, Zinnie, and this is now. Thank you for bringing it to my attention again....in the way that a friend would, and of course I am very happy to say that the answer to the question, which I thought I'd best reconsider, just to make double sure, is...."Oh yes Zinnie, I am the same person....and most definitely so!" It's a great point Zinnie, and so very thoughtful of you. Please give the little red LOUD dog a big pat from me, and the big hug has your name written all over it.......... ((BIG HUG Zinnie!)) BBFN

Love,

LA Rosa

November 17, 2003
8:50 pm
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Anam Cara

Yes Anam....Let us indeed hold hands!

Love,

LA Rosa

November 18, 2003
12:37 pm
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Anam Cara
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La Rosa
Holding tightly!
Anam

November 18, 2003
9:02 pm
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trying2grow
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this is a beautiful thread. I love the khalil gibran quotes. i hope to one day feel that i have grown and healed as much as seems to be expressed here. i believe i will. i just will take it one day at a time.

November 18, 2003
11:01 pm
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lucidlady
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I agree with trying to grow. I have lost myself recently and have numbed myself from creative expression or connection with others. There is much wisdom out there and I appreciate all of your sharing. Kahlil used to be one of my favoite writers then I lost track of his wisdom when I lost myself. My last botfriend was a writer who inadvertently made me assume that I should hold all of my own wisdom and not seek it from others. What I could not find in myself, I sought in him and put him on a pedistal. I amin the beginning stages of realizing that i am a codependant and that I have a long ways to go. But I can only get better.

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