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Where Do I Begin?
October 28, 2003
5:03 am
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LA Rosa
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There are issues jumping out at me all over the place.

I'm in an intolerable situation that will be the end of me if I am to stay living in the same abode with my ex-husband. We don't have the same bedroom but I am expected to let him have sex a couple of times a week, nothing fancy required, and fast.

This is so's I will have a roof over my head! A roof that was actually once my own. We have been devorced for many years, but he has been around waiting in the background for the times when I was most vulnerable and found coping difficult. That's when he would like to make a deal. Fast, staight, no frills sex....in return for transportation ...and some money to help me make ends meet. He has never had a girlfriend in all the time I've known him (myself excluded). He bought my home when I was selling up to go to Scotland to get seriously involved with the man of my dreams. That was soon after my son left home to go to America and further his career . My ex is the man I married when I was only seventeen, after being engaged for a year. I had only known him for two weeks when he proposed....when I had just been trying to let him down 'gently'. I thought he was a nice enough person, but found him to be rather boring...Anyway, I did marry him. It was to get away from home, where I was feeling most unhappy. I wasn't being treated as I used to be (before the accident which left me having epileptic seizures), and my identity was trying to make a brave comeback. Dad told me not to feel so bad about my school results reaching an all time low...because I would get married and have children. He meant well.
...then i'd and be free of all the pain of not feeling accepted, and not have to witness the disharmony between my mother and father who just didn't love each other, but were stuck, and couldn't really communicate any more together. It was a sad state of affairs indeed, and I 'sat on the fence' reguarding loyalties. Mum was alwats wanting me to take her side. So I decided to marry this man when I was just out of high-school no less. He told me years later that he had married me because he felt I had challenged him by trying to not see him anymore!
My 'dream come true' man in Scotland, was more like a nightmare. I nearly had a breakdown! I think he may have been a narssissist but 'only' punched me, jammed my throat up forcefully crashing my head up against the wall, and kicking me in the head...once. For no 'real' reason! I was trapped because my son had stopped communicating just when he was supposed to send me all my money from the sale of the property. I quickly learned to smile, look happy, ask no questions, never keep him waiting, and always agree that he was the most brillant, the most handsome, the most organised, the most talented..My One & Only! He wanted my attention continually..ect ect I managed to escape by sayind that I needed to go see my sick mother and recuperate somewhat myself. He thought I'd be going back after about a month. I'm suffering from Post Traumatic Sress Disorder.

The ex now has me where he wants me, more dependent and vulnerable than ever before. It's a catch twenty two, with no easy answers. I am stuck somewhere between accepting that this won't be forever but understanding that I need to do something to help myself. Procrastination doesn't work either, fantasy helps relieve the pain and denial is Pittsville. At least I do have the seizures controlled now. This is a whole different ball-game! Any insight would be much appreciated, for I have no answer or feasible solution....the longer it goes on like this the more I realise that I don't see a way out. Where could I even begin, to turn this around?!

October 28, 2003
10:02 am
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Anam Cara
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La Rosa

Where are you living now ? In the States or Scotland? have I missed the obvious?

Many people will respond to you I'm sure - Me - well I need someone just like you to lift me out of my life's slumber - how privileged I would be to have you as a friend next door.

Like you I live in my head - it helps a lot - but now and then something stings me and I am thrust back into reality.

Maybe my life will remain like this because I have grown old having had mostly good times together with some tragic issues.

You need not even think that there is no way out for you - nobody can continue to be used in the way you describe - your illness is with medication becoming controlled. But it is the essential self that God has given you to climb beyond your situation

This is without doubt the place for you to talk to the many people from the University of life.

I have always wanted a daughter like you to love and talk to - goodness this man cannot see what a package he has befor him - could this be due to you not wrapping up yourself with the quality you keep hidden ?

I think you are the one! You need plugging into a better computer programme - sit in this chair move your hair to one side - ah there is the socket - hang onto you hat -- I am loading a Ladeska straight talker . I will want to appear in the programme as an artist - just to look at you La Rosa.

Anam

October 28, 2003
1:43 pm
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Ladeska
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Ohhhhh Rosa.......this just breaks my heart for you...(sigh) My goodness, why is it that people like him just see beauty, innocence, something precious in this world and all they want to do is suck the very life out of it and crush it beneath their feet? It's just pure evil, that's all I can say....

So...what is your exact situation right now? Where are you? How do you exist moneywise and what do you mean your son stopped talking to you after the sale of the house. If this house was once yours - where is the money from the sale and why is it not in your pocket so that you have your own freedom? I'm thinking your ex got the money from the sale of the house and your son doesn't speak to you because of this. Am I correct?

The thing is - when you're in a situation like this - you have to stop "spinning" and lay out all options on the table and look at them, choosing one and going with it. If that one doesn't work, you come back to the table and choose another one and keep doing it until something works in the lock.

Please tell me you are not living with him now. I'm hoping not. At the very least, he is a narcissist, most likely just a monster posing as a human being.

Do you have a support system around you or that you can get in touch with? Who are these people and are they really in your corner? Can you rely upon them?

Do you have extended family that can help you? Do you have employment now and can you work? If so, what do you do? Is it possible to patch things up with your son? Where is he in all of this and how old is he?

We're here for you sweetheart but - this is all about solving the immediate problems, one by one and getting you to safer and higher ground, so I may go a little fast with you here because I sense a real urgency and danger.

So let's just lay everything out on the table and take a look at your options, shall we?

I have to say - what you described is just awful. I'm so sorry you have gone through all of this and it's understandable, all the choices you have made, especially when you were young and faced with things you were faced with and just being inexperienced with people like this. You're no match for a person of this caliber when you've never been around someone like this. They are true predators and like to keep people like you around as a pet, or more like a "prisoner". Makes their sick warped egos feel big and powerful. I'd like to have this man all to myself in a room for just a couple of hours.... I'd give him a dose of his own medicine.

People, men like this are cowards of this worst kind. They prey on the weak, the unsuspecting, the vulnerable and use their wiles to charm them into a toxic trance, not unlike their cousin, the cobra.

So let's problem solve here and hopefully find a way out for you or something that is more tolerable and a way out of all this.

((((HHUGSSS)))))))

Hi Anam!

October 28, 2003
2:10 pm
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Anam Cara
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Ladeska - Heaps of love and hugs for YOU !
Anam

October 28, 2003
2:18 pm
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Ladeska
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Back at cha!!

October 28, 2003
6:35 pm
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LA Rosa
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To my most inspiring artist and friend, Anam. I am privileged to know you.... and to actually be so fortunate enough as to have you as my neighbour as well, would just be too good to be true!

No...You haven't missed anything obvious regarding where I was born.....I am in New Zealand, where I have lived since I was eight. Originally from Scotland, we emigrated to Australia before deciding to settle in New Zealand, three years later....always identifying myself as Scottish.

Many years have gone by before finally coming across the medication that could 'totally' control the seizures! From the day I started taking 'them' until now (8 years), I've only had one seizure, and that was due to having missed them one night, and perhaps with the stress overload at the time......and I believe it was more than just one on it's own. That was in February this year, and not another one since. Oh yes, Anam..... There must be hope!

Anam Cara, I must thank you again, for all of your genuine thoughtfulness and artistic inspiration. You really are a true inspiration. I have been blessed!

LA Rosa

October 29, 2003
12:07 am
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Zinnie
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La Rosa,

First of all, can you elaborate further the details of selling your home? It sounds as if some legal action might be able to be taken. If you son took the money, or gave it to your ex, or what ever the case. Can you please give us some more insight there. Was the home in your name only, or jointly with some one else.

Another point, if you please. You said that you married your husband while young. I can understand why you did what you did, and I fully understand the way you look at your parents.

It was just the way things were at the time. You know? People in our folks time did not get divorced. They stuck it out in seperate rooms. I was up late last night, and caught the movie "Far From Heaven" - such an eye opener. If you have not seen it, please rent it, or try to catch it on one of the movie channels. It takes place in the 50's. The marriage that EVERYONE thinks is soooooooo perfect is not. Far from it, thus far from heaven. Yet, due to the times, and their "respectability" these people stayed almost to the bitter end. If you have not seen it, I don't want to tell you more than that, so you can watch the show yourself and develop your own opinions. But, it might give you some more insight into why your parents stayed together.

Back to my question. You said that you married your husband young, but that you met the man of your dreams in Scotland. How did you meet this other man? Where did this horrible beating take place? I'm 100% with Ladeska on that one. Oh... how I would love to take a shot at that monster.

Have you ever worked? Is there any kind of "group" for folks like you, who have your disorder, and perhaps can help find you some employment? Or, and I don't know if they have this in New Zealand, but, can you qualify for disability? I hate to even use the phrase public assistance, but is that an option for you until you can get out of this horrible situation?

Your ex-husband is not doing you any kind of favor. I will say this, and please do not take offense, because it is not aimed at you. But, he wants a prostitute. He feels that because he is "giving" you a home, and money he is entitled. Well, honey, your body is yours. It is yours to give freely to others that you love, if you so choose. Not to be given in payment. No ma'am! It is not.

I wish I could help you more! Trust me, I would be there with my hubby's pick up truck loading what you wanted to take, and you would be sleeping on my couch until we could get you up and around. But, I can only give you support here, but here I am, as are others.

If you don't mind telling a little more about your situation, maybe collectively, we can all come together and find a way to help you. The Internet is a wonderful thing, I am the queen of research. If there is a program out there, I will find it. But, please... let's start thinking forward so you can begin your life. For you. It's your life, your choice.

Love,

Zinnie

October 29, 2003
1:29 am
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Anam Cara
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La Rosa

Well you have begun - keep it going - I feel that there is still a lot more - just relax and let it flow.

Now that we live next door to each other you can pop round anytime,

Anam
Ps glad you are better Zinnie

October 29, 2003
2:43 am
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LA Rosa
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You must be an angel Ladeska! I'm an extremely fortunate person to have met you on my journey, and so thankful that you're my friend! I'll get right on now into clarifying the mess up, (understatement) and as this is quite an extensive task, I'll take it bit by bit. Yes? Taking issues bit by bit could be a logical (on-paper) kind of method....but how can you separate and divide....when they interconnect? What I mean Ladeska is, How can you pull one away without upsetting the whole network? Sounds like fear creeping in, and N
no doubt I am going to be able to put many pieces together, that have completely eluded me in the past. I am ready to see the light, and be enlightened and helped! The first thing that needs clarifying, is that the 'ex' and 'the man of my dreams', are acually two different men! I'm sorry for having it all come out so confusing Ladeska, but at least it this is a beginning...a step in the right direction. The 'ex' being the man I married at seventeen and was devorced to five years later, and who has 'always' been after a good deal... and then there's 'the dream man' in Scotland, who appeared in my life on New Years Eve 2001... when thinking that it was finally time to make a long overdue connection with a relative in Scotland.... a cousin of mine that I knew as a child. After about fifty seconds, we were as though we had never been distanced by time or geography. It was simply something I had never experienced before....and sense didn't come into it! After a few months of communication, I suggested that it might be time for me to go back 'home' to Scotland, seeing as how I had never been back for a holiday....perhaps 'now' would be the perfect opportunity to see each other again! I bought a return-ticket and so I went over a few months later. (My son had been away in America for six months, giving me a phone call about once a fortnight) As I would have some money coming to me, from the sale of the unit that I had lived in since the early seventies, I would be able to enjoy myself without worrying about the financial cost involved....and felt I deserved a good holiday after never having had one since 'seventy eight. I had given my son some cash to help him get started (forwarded to me from the 'ex'). As soon as I sold 'my' little place, he was reimbursed immediately (at the sale). The money was put into my bank account by my lawyer, and a few days later I heard from my son. I felt a bit guilty on telling him how happy I was feeling, especially sinse it didn't involve him at all. I didn't want him to think for one minute that this meant I didn't still miss him anymore, or wasn't going to be interested in how he was, or that I was in some way letting him know that I wouldn't be 'there' for him....all feelings that I thought he may just feel himself. My son is my only child and grew up with me without his father (the 'ex'), even though they could see each other very often. The 'ex' moved in down the road (two numbers down)from me, after I had only been there two weeks!! He told me it was the only place he could find that was close enough to work. My son was protective of me and had also become accustomed to Mum being solely there for him alone, and now he was a man who hadn't had to share mothers attention. We were trusted friends. He let me know of an opportunity where he may be able to take advantage of American shares, as he had been studying the markets and if he saw anything that looked interesting he would let me know....when he said we could look at together, if I do some homework on it, then we would both be able to be 'in the know' on the subject (just incase). A member of MENZA, and exceptionally astute, I was sure he knew what he was talking about, and got the brief run-down on the stocks and shares. When he finally asked me if I wanted him to invest some money for me, I asked him "HOW MUCH?" We were supposed to be in this together, but, I was not being informed and soon after let him know that I was going to be needing the money back. A couple of months later, it was all going to be settled. The e-mail he wrote to me told me that I may even hear from him on the phone before I even read his note. Just to ask details on how I would like 'it' to be sent over. I never received any phone call, and have never heard from him again. I had realised by this time that I shouldn't have handed the money over to my son, perhaps putting him under undue pressure....but it was always supposed to have been me who would make the deciding decision of either 'yes' or 'no', and how much. I didn't see much danger to speak of.. Now I knew I couldn't just leave, this 'crazy' man who was my cousin (I never did make it back to NZ). I was in a prison. WE had had a lit of stress, and those things were not of our own making (honestly), BUT, his reactions, the way he had to be the one (and only the one) in control was way beyond being close to 'normal!'
I was isolated....something that I'm familiar with....but this isolation was not my choice, I had no free-will, but would never make an issue of anything. It reminded me as being not unlike Mum, when it was better just to let her think that she knew best, in order to keep the peace and not have go through seeing her taking everything so personal. Right now, I'm back in NZ and living in my old bedroom, with the'ex'in what used to be my sons' room. It has been good to get away from the situation in Scotland with the narcissist, and now it's time to face issues that I have never faced front-on before ..... circumstances that are making me try to find out more, whereas it had not been seen as too bad before, when I had my own space and privacy, my own choice, my own rights, a sense of security and feeling of peace. Now I have nothing to lose and everything to gain......but how? I do hope that I haven't overdone this for you Ladeska, and that it clears my situation for you a bit, to be able to get the feel. I am obviously needing typing practice, and so sorry Ladeska for taking such a long time in getting back to you. I shall continue to clear the picture, but for just for now....

Thank You Ladeska, for all your help.

LA Rosa

October 29, 2003
9:01 pm
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LA Rosa
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Dear Zinnie, First of all, I would just like to Thank for all your time and effort.... I'm a little bit overwhelmed at having such a caring, concerned person such as yourself.....trying to help me. I've never been shown so much support before.... and words fail me! Just know that I do appreciate all of your imput and advise....and just knowing you are there is a comfort. Now l'll get to the business of the clearing of confusion...(deep breath)

When I became twenty, I was given the money from the insurance settlement (concerning the accident).
It wasn't a lot, but it was supposed to help me manage and pay for any medical attention that I may require (including extensive dentistry repairs that I was facing). It was around that time that I left the 'ex', nothing to do with the money that I was soon to come into, but because I had told myself that I would not raise a family in an environment that was so disharmonious... I told myself, when I became aware that I was actually going to have a baby, that if the situation between the 'ex' and myself did not improve, then we would no longer be married. I didn't want any child of mine having to go through what I had been through.... With the insurance money I had had enough to put down a sizeable enough deposit on a low-maintainance unit (home) for my son and I, and was eligible to qualify for the special rates of interest and repayments that made it affordable to pay off the loan (mortgage), seeing as how I would be living on a tight budget.... social welfare (that's what it used to be called here). It would also meant that my son and I wouldn't have to worry about all the problems regarding..... being in rented accommodation....and made sure that there would be 'something' there for emergencies. It was a very sound idea (investment). My son and I lived there for twenty-nine years....just the two of us. We were comfortable with our own company together as well, and had stimulating conversations together, and respected each others privacy and had fun and tears...we were close. What has happened to him? I do not know. There are so many different scenarios I go through....but at the end of the day, it will only just be, only another possibility. Right now I am receiving financial assistance from S.W.(social welfare), which I don't think I could realistically live on. I have never been on my own before either, and the thought of it is hard to comprehend. I would be looking at a very bleak existence....most of the money would be gobbled-up in rent anyway...then there's feeding, clothing, transportation, medical type requirements, communication.... how do some poeople cope? If it hadn't been for the fact that the mortgage repayments were so very affordable, I would've had a better understand of how hard it can be....and it was hard enough as it was!
I tried to do a couple of courses. The first one (philosophy) I couldn't complete, due to lack of support; mum made it quite obvious that she didn't want me to do it, by letting me know that she did'nt want to mind my son for me. My son and I were living there with my mum and dad and older brother. This was just before I bought a place of my own. Living with my mother was another good reason to get a place for my son and I. Mum is a wonderful person, BUT, she is quite hard to live with!)...whatever the real reason was, for not wanting to mind her grandson for one hour a week ...but that was that! The other course (psychology that was aimed at counseling) couldn't be completed because of seizures. As far as actually being employed goes, it has never looked like a realistic proposition. One day, if the seizures were controlled adequately enough, I thought I may be able to do something for myself, in the knowledge that I would have some money set aside (property) if required, and I did think it would be required. I thought I'd employ myself! 'I' wouldn't sack me! Well that sounds positive.... but it is another reason why I am feeling so helpless....because now the nest-egg is gone and I'm trying to put things in appropriate updated perspective. I would love to do something creative, become more familiar with my own true potential. My follow-through processes need a wake-up call, it's just that they don't get too excited very often, .....through pessimistic (realistic) expectations. I'll have to find the strenghth to really push myself now....I know that if I stay here with the 'ex', in this situation....I may as well give up... and of course I am not programmed to do that! At least in this situation though, I have the roof over my head and no physical threat from the 'ex'. He never wants me to go.....just like 'the man of my dreams' in Scotland wanted me all to himself. Oh, to feel so wanted!! Even my mum wants me.... as a sounding board!

I was far too young when I got married. My mum and dad didn't want me to.... and yet they couldn't even make a stand on that important issue. I wasn't going to run back and let them know that I was in need of any help.... I'd manage, somehow!
That's how it was and now I'll just learn how to manage better....a lot better!

Thanks Again
Zinnie

LA Rosa

October 29, 2003
10:38 pm
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Zinnie
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La Rosa,

A big ((((((HUG)))))) to you from across the ocean! Here in TX where everything is big... so it's a biggun'!

I do have a question if you don't mind? You say that the man of your dreams in Scotland was a cousin? Were you romantically involved, or just as a cousin? Did he mis-understand what you wanted (which I gather was really only a family relationship)?

Hum, going to also research a few things... will let you know what I find.

Also, what have you done to find your son?

Love,

Zinnie

October 30, 2003
12:44 pm
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Ladeska
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Oh My, Rosa........my goodness what a pack you have on your shoulders. Hm,m,m.... Well, I'm glad Zinnie is here with us, we're all going to have to put our heads together here but - one thing at a time, so keep taking big deep breaths over there. No spinning, no negative overboard thinking either. Isn't allowed. Critical thinking - yes? Negative, beating yourself up no-win situation thinking - Um No, not allowed.

Okay.......so first of all - where is your son, what's going on, what have you done to find this out? Something very "not right" about this one. Someone that was that close to you - just doesn't disappear and that's that. Maybe he invested the money without your approval and lost it and is afraid to show his face until he redeems himself. That's rather likely actually...

How does his father feel about all this? There's no communication with him either as far as your son is concerned?

Creativity? Hit me with something. What are your interests, talents, throw out any and everything.

Btw, take a look at http://www.cafepress.com and think about the possibilities there of making some your own stuff and marketing it. Click to the right on the things you can design that are yours and sell free of charge. You just tack on your price - onto their cost and they take care of the rest. Rather fun and you could do LOTS of stuff here. You just have to email your website out to whoever and get them to order from you. Way cool though. You get your own webpage from them with your stuff on it. You can do greeting cards, design them yourself, scan in pictures you take with your camera, hey - you're in a really beautiful place - start taking pictures! Put them on cards, put a nice writing in them and sell them online! Go to where they filmed "Lord of the Rings" - I know that's there in NZ, and maybe take some pictures there if they would allow it.

You can do t-shirts, mugs, tile boxes, all kinds of things there and it's all free, except for I think a $5 charge a month if you want to do more than one design per item. Just thought I'd throw that idea out there to you....

I don't know what kind of opportunities are available in NZ but I'd say - make good use of the land, the beauty and maybe think of something along the artistic lines of photography and maybe greeting cards. Just thinking off the top of my head here but wouldn't it be most awesome if you could either make some costumes or get ahold of some "Lord of the Ring" type costumes and set up shop close to where they filmed this and have a little studio where you go in and dress up in these costumes and have your picture taken! I know I'd want to do that if I went there. You could either get permission to go on the land where they built all the hobbit houses and such, I'm sure it's all still there - and do this, take pictures there. Or....you could do your own scenery, take pictures yourself and then blow them up for a backdrop scene and then take pictures of people in front of that. Just talking of the top of my pointed little head here, throwing out ideas. Have no idea if any of them could actually stick to the wall, but you never know. Trying to get your wheels spinning here - spinning constructively that is! LOL!

So how is the relationship bet. you and your ex now? Does he think "you've come back to him" sort of thing? You're here to stay and he'll never let you go, blah, blah, blah?

October 30, 2003
1:58 pm
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LA Rosa
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Hi Anam! So nice to see you again! I'll be off to see my mum today, so I won't be able to stop just now.... but I'd really like to come over sometime and have a little natter and have a good look at some of your creations....maybe later on perhaps? Hope so! Sorry I can't stay longer....but I'll get back to you later on. You know me Anam...I'll be back. Look after yourself OK?
Bye bye for now.

LA Rosa

October 31, 2003
10:59 pm
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LA Rosa
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Zinnie.

I didn't know a hug could be 'that' big....Thanks Zinnie....just what I needed!!

Let me explain the relationship with my cousin. I wanted to make contact with one of my relatives in Scotland, as I had never done so in over forty years, not any particular one, and New Years Eve would be nice timing. My Mum had already phoned my cousin and had his number. Right, now I knew who I'd phone. It was all supposed to be quite innocent - the only reason perhaps for it not being 'completely' as in 100% innocent, was the fact that I had heard a 'family occasion' tape with 'him' singing (as an adult) a little song - and yes - 'he' had sounded really nice and cool as well! Naturally I hoped we'd get on well.. 'He' knew who I was 'immediately', without any prompting after only saying 'Hello!' - his first words were..."Is that La Rosa? Not *THE* LA Rosa!'
Well!! I wasn't expecting 'that'!!! Oh yes-he was even cooler than I had thought he was! I was being charmed by THE expert!! I soon became romantically involved....and because he was my older cousin it only meant that I trusted him.....much more! 'Fairyland'...Let Me In! It took a year to escape.....Now he cannot phone me and we're thousands of miles apart. I kept contact with him because I wanted him to know who I really was....couldn't have him thinking that I was ever 'really' in love with a man who didn't even care to want to know who I really was? I know I don't love him but I was hooked - lined - and 'nearly' sunk!
I will never be going back to him....and he has even told me that he knows it! I don't think he was 'ever' able to understand 'why' though. It also took me a while before I was able to shake off enough of the conditioning to confront him with it..... even from across the other side of the planet! I just knew I had to do it to get over it!

Since my son has not contacted me for over a year now...I have...1/ sent numerous emails to him...2/ sent ecards that let you know if they have been picked up - they weren't...3/ very recently found out his email address has been 'disabled or disconnected' - so I was informed by the message on the screen...3/I have found that his old email address has been reconnected and haven't had any feedback as yet - and don't know 100% that it is indeed his anyway (but it looks likely)...4/ I have contacted his workplace and informed that he no longer works there anymore and didn't know where he I could reach him - asked the person to please let my son know that I was wanting to hear from him...in he event that they meet up ...5/ tried to phone my sons' new friend (living in America), by finding out the phone number through the international directory service - only to be told when I phoned 'Never heard of any such person - even though the phone was listed under the same surname and correct address as the one my son had given me, and also through the international directory found out that the present resident(s) do have the same surname. I heard the operator speaking to the same person I'd just spoken to - I hadn't been told that...6/ phoned a married couple with a joint bank account, who had issued two checks to my son bank and were dishonoured relatively recently - but could not get through to speak in person to either person... and finally ended up leaving a message on the answer machine (about two months ago)...... no feedback there either.

Now I have signed up for a service that will inform me when an email is opened. I've seen it written that there are places that do a check up for you. That's how it stands so far.

Now that I've left Scotland and 'the dream man/cousin' in May of this year, when I had only been sending emails and ecards that had needed to be met with approval (because of no privacy), I've been trying to get a 'lead' but not making any inroads. If you think you may be able to help in any way Zinnie, you know I'd be very very grateful.

To communicate wih my son again would be a '!!**BIG**!!' weight off my shoulders!

Here's a BIG BIG HUG for you too Zinnie!! Thanks Again.

LA Rosa

October 31, 2003
11:25 pm
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La Rosa,

Hum... perhaps I can help here. A little back ground on me...

I did skip tracing for a few years (finding folks who took off with cars, and no longer wanted to pay for them). I then went to work for a credit card bank, and eventually came to work in fraud protection and investigations. Currently, I have a gov't job, doing internal audits.

Perhaps, we might contact SC and through her, if you can give me some info, I can see what I can find out.

Love,

Zinnie

p.s. - the little red LOUD

November 1, 2003
1:26 pm
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November 1, 2003
8:59 pm
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Anam... Hello!, Must let you know again how your inspiring artistry has been touching the hearts and souls of your priviledged followers and supporters. I'm so very fortunate Anam, to have you as a friend and neighbour....and Thank you Anam, for your direction... I have lived in the hope that one day, I would rise above the fog of doubt and confusion....to finally embrace the golden rays of the 'essential self'. Ah yes, I can see the studio where the artist resides in you?

How would you like a little housewarming party Anam? On the day of your choice, and of course, with a good ol''Knees-up Mother Brown' and great ol'sing-song? Just what you shall have my friend if that is what you would like! I'm sure that all your friends would love to be there and we could get some bubbly in for the toast of! We could have it at the Coffeehouse?! Mmmmmm! 🙂 LOL

Hello Ladaska! I would've liked to have gotten back to you much sooner than this and do appreciate your patience. I just loved those ideas you came up with and will start mulling them all around in my head soon. I'm feeling much more optimistic. I know I have to reprogram my 'computer'(the one in my head)... get some updatd new software. Time for a big change!! Wow!! What a thought! Just to let you know Ladaska, that the relationship between the 'ex'and myself is not going anywhere but away! I'm not even going to think about... If this was 'it'. Even though the 'ex' doesn't threaten me with physical violence....I can only feel emotionally void towards him (desensitised) and he is emotionally void towards everyone, we are on completely different wavelengths, and he obsesses over money and is petty. All bets off! This can only be a relationship of convenience...until I get back on my feet, but I'm sure the'ex' would much prefer for me to remain....to keep him company! As long as it is only a tempory measure. it can allow me the time I need to get myself together again, after all I've been through in the pat couple of years. That's the deal! I have to leave with my head on my shoulders. Thanks Ladeska for all your support. LOL

Oh Zinnie -and the little red LOUD- Could you please elaborate on 'the little red LOUD' for me? Sounds very intriguing! I would've been back sooner Zinnie, except for the TV being otherwise engaged (I use the television screen)! Thank You (big TX style) for your kind and generous offer to see what you can do. With your qualifications and experience there just may be a chance! I do have to let you know though Zinnie - I don't have all that much info for you to go on - and as yet I've not worked out who SC is! It'll probably be 'soo' obvious. Then I'll get in touch with the info that I do have, OK? Sorry for taking so long! BBFN and LOL

La Rosa

November 1, 2003
11:08 pm
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La Rosa,

That is fine. Sorry... was trying to say that the little red LOUD dog was sending you a kiss, because he was laying on my shoulders at the time. He jumped off, and I hit enter!

More than happy to help. SC's e-mail is posted on the site, under "how to contact us"

Love,

Zinnie

November 2, 2003
1:47 am
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La Rosa

Really glad to see positive things going on in your head - this is where changes begin. Since I made the decision to move - everything seems to have dropped into place - not suggesting it was some miracle just made up my mind that I want my life to be different - nothing more than that!

Yes your ex will feel a bit lost as you grow stronger -" the place to keep them is down where they belong" - men give this advice in pubs to each other. It spoils there harmony if their pet jumps out of the pit they dug.

Once you truly begin to change - independent mindset - your lovely women will glow for all to see- yes it all begins in the head!

Thank you for suggesting a new house party in the Coffeehouse I would like that very much - must send boland my address pets will also be welcome.

La Rosa - I have just got up -around 6am and started to pack my bag - going over to Bath and look around at what's for sale. I have one very special lady friend who is a bit of a mystic. She said "just walk in the property - if you feel at one with the house- this is place you could entertain your friends - then just buy it."

La Rosa I feel at one with you - you cannot go back to start now that you have started - I will be watching your progress - take your time - Rome etch.

Nice also to see people here gathered around you - wishing you forward.

TTFN> Anam Do you know what that stands for?

November 2, 2003
1:25 pm
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You're quite welcome, La Rosa. (smile) I see the bubbles starting to pop up over there, see a bit of a zing in your step I think. This is good. Get that mind to cranking and just get all ideas flowing here. If one doesn't work, try another one. Make it fun! But employ that creative side of yourself. You've taxed the analytical side to hell and back! Time to let the other dog run for awhile, ya know?

I wanna pick up the paper and read about that zany and wild woman of New Zealand!! Yea, I hear you about the ex. That's good then. For now, it's an arrangement and that's it. Just keep moving and keep clearing out all spiderwebs and clutter in your head that ties you down and makes you do repetitive negative thinking. Just catch yourself and go - OH NO, you don't!!! Not going there! And then just get going doing something good and healthy and uplifting for yourself and keep your mind moving in a positive direction. We're all here for you!! Any time you want to barf it all up or brainstorm or whatever....we're here! HUGS, Ladeska

November 2, 2003
7:52 pm
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Anam - I feel at one with you also. These must be tears of joy that I weep? Take care my most inspiring friend, artist, and neighbour..I will think of you...and you'll be with me!
Thank You TTFN

November 4, 2003
3:27 pm
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Hello Ladaska! Now that it's time to really make the changes to turn my life around - the defense system is trying to kick in - and keep me from giving this (me) my best shot. This is a pattern that has developed over years of 'coming back' (getting myself back on track) after having a seizure, only to be set back again when the next one came along (three per month on average). Now that I don't have any more (fingers crossed), it's around about now, when it's time to get down to the business end, where I find it difficult to proceed. This could very well be the same kind of feeling that a lot of ('normal') people experience .... but in my case,'it' has effectively stopped me from progressing to the stage of actually 'doing' something like earning a living or being able to feel generally independent. You should have seen me 'before' the accident though!.....if it hadn't been for the fact that I was so self-confident and motivated, maybe partly to do with having my two older brothers keeping me on my toes and trying to beat the odds, and then having 'experienced' the rewarding feeling of achievement. Maybe then my reference recollections would be more of a hindrance....but there was no low self esteem then....I thought I was as good as anyone else and that the world was my oyster. So with that in mind.....it keeps me coming back to 'trying' to get back in touch with the 'essential self' the 'real' me that had 'almost' died in that near-fatal accident. Unfortunately though, 'other people' thought 'it' (my essential self) had met with it's death. Well at least in my mind it seemed that way. It's crossroads time now....Should I stay or should I go? Stay in the safety zone, where nothing much is expected from me, and supposedly, also what is expected of myself - or - do I DO something! Something that will confirm to myself that I AM going to be the 'real' me! The person I really need to be .... really want to be....feet I could be ....and love being! Yes, Yes, Ladeska! That person IS me - LA Rosa! It's certainly time today, to'really' get positive!! After all, no one comes all this way to end up stopping in the middle of the crossroads.Yes? Time now to get some focus on the real number one...and one guess who that is!? :)LOL

November 4, 2003
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So what are you saying? You're NOT going to stop in the middle of your tracks? Is that what I'm hearing here? So then.......what are your ideas? Spit them out, start cranking, didn't think you were going to get "here" and sit on your ass all day, right?

November 4, 2003
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Hi Zinnie! oh yes, and not fogetting the little red LOUD 'dog' (whatta little character). Just when I had almost gotten through to you yesterday Zinnie.... the compuer 'froze' - and I lost the message - new batteries were required. SC has avised me to hesitate, to reconsider whether or not I want to proceed in passing on the private and confidential information regarding my son.... saying:- 'I do want to ask however,the information that you have given me is very private.....I want to be sure you are certain you want to give this information out? It's always important to be very hesitant with emails alone, and even more especially with private and confidential information. I will wait to hear from you once more to be certain you are wanting this private information passed on'. I am taking it that this advise is common sense advise that could be very well worth heading. Not knowing my sons circumstances could cause complications - and as I don't have that information Zinnie - perhaps you may also wish to reconsider getting involved in this matter? My son has never lived anywhere other than with me in NZ, never once involved in any trouble..... but anything could have (realistically) happened to him. Perhaps Zinnie, you may be able to point me another direction if this procedure may not be an appropriately responsible way to handle this kind of thing - with emails alone. I do wish it were. I'm sorry Zinnie, for coming to this late conclusion, that I should have already had considered, and hope you will know that your very kind and friendly offer of assisstence was and still is very very much appreciated. SC is still waiting for the go ahead. Thank You Zinnie, for wanting to help....that has been very important to me and isn't forgotten.(((BIG))) Thank You & Humble Apologies Zinnie. LOL

LA Rosa

November 4, 2003
6:03 pm
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...waiting, drum rolling on desk....whistling, twirling hair...okay La Rosa, let's get with it over there, let's see the fireball you STILL are, start throwing out ideas of how you can present your bad ass self to the world here and gain your independence! So you had a big blurp here on your screen, had an accident, got sidetracked but the real you - is still all the way in there. Nothing has changed in that regard, just got to get back to the energy source and plug in. Time to lock and load. And what, btw, do you think got you through this horrible accident in the first place? (smile)

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