Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Where Did U Meet Your Partner From Hell?
August 6, 2007
4:09 pm
Avatar
butterfly4u07
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You know what's funny about this question, and i don't care, i'm going to reveal it. I met my partner from hell from a city called Hale Center..lol. You can say i was going through a break up at the time and something way better came along "in my eyes". Later the truth came out and he was my worst nightmare in discize. I suffered so much in this relationship and i'm hoping for an answer but i never pursued him. He pursued me for so long and i gave him the time of day. Still not sure if it was a mistake or not.

August 6, 2007
4:17 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Butterfly,

You describe him as your worst nightmare - but then say you aren't sure if it is a mistake or not.

I had similar happen - was trying to get out of a dead end relationship with an alcoholic - and found a new guy. I wasn't all that keen on him, but he was very attentive and talked me into trying it out. He was my worst nightmare. It was a VERY bad choice I made. I don't think anything is a mistake, I learned a hard lesson, and forgave MYSELF for making a bad decision. I still will never forget all the cruel things he did to me. He never hit me...but rather, cheated on me twice, stole from me, took advantage of my kindness, etc. I did participate in this unhealthy relationship - it was my choice - I stayed, hoping things would change...only to get cheated on for the second time and finally see the light and bail out.

I would think any man you describe as your worst nightmare is one running very fast away from.

August 6, 2007
5:02 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Strangely enough, I met my alcoholic in a bar.

Go figure. LOL....

August 6, 2007
5:25 pm
Avatar
SadMike
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So...

What I get out of all this dialog...

(And ironically from the lady that I'm seeing now)...

(And doubly ironically from my ex-wife)...

That nice guys like me who don't have all those stupid and ignorant vices like drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling and whatever else you want to throw on that pile of crap; who doesn't treat his lady like crap but does treat her with the dignity and respect that she deserves; who is never mean and willing to talk and willing to discuss problems and issues; who is willing to sacrafice that which is necessary to sacrifice for the one he loves is ultimately not worth the time and effort.

Why is that all the bad, mean, evil and despicable men who have charm and charisma are able to treat you women like dirt and you keep going back and when guys like me (for I'm sure I'm not the only one) don't do that I get treated as if there's something wrong with me? It's almost as if that you "NEED" this irreverent treatment from the men you "love" in order to feel better.

It really saddens me. I'm not that kind of a guy and I want someone who will not expect that from me or desire as such.

I'm sorry for the rant and please don't think that this is a personal attack on any one of you. All of you ladies are good people and I see that in all the posts I read from you every day. I realize that I myself am human and have made my fair share of mistakes and wrongdoings that I pay dearly for every day as to all of you. I'm just in a mood today that I can't seem to shake. I'm sure it's just loneliness and the desire (and need) to be near someone and have someone so I don't have to be so "strong" and have to cope with life all alone. I just know I have so much to give to someone (and want to recieve as well) that it is so disheartening to realize that if I was a "bad guy" I could have all the "companionship" I wanted, but because I'm not I'm relegated to the shelve of "not worth it."

It's just too hard - too hard indeed.

August 6, 2007
6:55 pm
Avatar
sad sack
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 78
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Sadmike,

I cannot speak for anyone else, but I am not one of those women who is drawn to the "bad guy".

Please don't be so discouraged. I am certain that there are many more like me out there. I will not even put myself in the company of a man who has any of the vices that you mentioned. I have a zero tolerance policy on that. I will not even date a man who smokes.

My last bf, was such a decent man. He did not drink, use drugs, smoke, gamble. He always treated me with the utmost respect. He, in fact, never raised his voice to me (ever). He was a true gentleman. And I fell for him really hard. I truly felt intense love for this man.

Yes, there are women drawn to men who are in need of "fixing", but I cannot believe that is the majority. (Maybe it is, I don't have any facts on that.) But anyway, I do know there are plenty of women who just want a respectful, decent guy (like yourself).

Sad

August 6, 2007
7:10 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mike- Being on this site must make you feel like you are in the wrong locker room. The women here clearly outnumber the men.

Please remember that the women here are talking about men that they have personally met and known in their life. No on is talking about you.

If you're up on the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus book then you might agree that there are some basic differences between males an females.

The glue that keeps men and women together on this site is the fact that most of us feel that we may be co-dependent.

I am sure you did not mean it because like you said you are not in a good mood, but I felt like the "you women" statement is as demeaning as the "you people" statement that some people say when refering to African -Americans.

No man or woman needs to be treated like dirt. No man or woman feels good if they are treated like dirt. That is universal. Sociopaths are so good at what they do targeting victims that they have even fooled psychologists, judges, prison guards, etc. Sometimes no matter what you say and no matter what you do anyone could become a target.

August 6, 2007
7:31 pm
Avatar
SadMike
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I apologize. No disrespect whatsoever was intended. I hope all of you will forgive me.

I'm just in a very bad place mentally right now. In as much as I'm better off emotionally than I was over two years ago, I know I have a ways to go.

I so badly want (need) someone to sit with me right now and just hold my hand. Is it really too much to desire such a thing? Am I being a codependent mess to just want love and companionship?

The lady that I'm seeing lives a few hours away (nothing that big) but she wants and needs her own space. She's also going through some difficult times of her own which makes it even harder.

Thanks for listening (reading).
Again, I apologize for my disrespect.

August 6, 2007
8:10 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

fantas, I am long enough on these boards to understand a lot about codependency; I learnt about codependency when I came here with my issue. It is not that I don't understand "the codependent way of being" but the issue is that many don't understand, refuse to see and understand, that the codependent way is not the only one. As I've said before, humans and human experiences vary enormously and are very complex and equaling codependency with intimate abuse is a shortcut to put the blame of victims and survivors.

Why do I care?

Because, yes, I do feel that many issues which people are struggling with here on AAC and look for a support and advise are pigeonholed as codependency.

Ignorance about intimate terror and even what's worse the refusal to see it as a separate issue from codependency is a repeating theme on AAC, and yes, it puts the responsibility squarely on the victim or survivor.

Sticking heads in the sand and ignoring the dynamics and tactics employed by abusers which exist in that kind of relationships is harmful for each and everyone of us: it perpetuates and allows abuse like this to happen, everyday, as we speak, not only in rural communities. This is what bothers me the most and why I always feel strongly about it. See no evil, hear no evil, she (or much more rarely he) is a codependent, case closed. She can /could get out.

How about no? What if she couldn't? What if the abuser created the world for her so hermetically closed that there was no escape and that's why she was killed or numbed to the point of of not feeling anything anymore?

You've asked: "Is it possible that you are resisting the notion that you may have had a moments lapse in judgement when you chose this partner?" I have to admit that frankly, I feel that this question indicates that you didn't read my posts carefully, that you dismissed some parts of it. I said twice already what my problem was and also I said how difficult it was to see through my ex not only for me but those who were close to me. I bet that even he at the time when we met didn't know who he really is and who he will become in the future. How could anyone else see it? He evolved over time, only in a "wrong" direction.

risingfromtheashes ~ I was as strong and confident as I possibly could at that time being influenced and affected by my mother. I was able to stand up for myself only so much, and again, as I already said this is where my responsibility ends. If I wasn't as strong and confident as I was I would never be able to escape.

Perhaps sometimes there are no warning signs? The only warning sign I've got before I married him was my gut feeling.

Perhaps after all there are no perfectly "healthy" people? Perhaps even those "unhealthy" people with horrible childhoods are able to chose someone with whom they are happy in a relationship? I know at least one person like this posting here. What's the explanation for that? Luck? Maybe there are also other numerous factors playing role besides "attracting those who are alike" when getting a partner? Seems like those circumstances, whatever they might be, are ignored, conviniently, to support the thesis about attracting those who are alike us, and if we were abused it was our choice to allow it.

Despite having a mother far from perfect, my marriage didn't have to be the way it was. Despite her influence on me she didn't do a quarter of the harm he did. After all she really loved me her own, limited way.

Marypopins said that she chose to enter and stay in her relationships. Well, I can say the same about every relationship I had after my marriage, but I cannot say this about my marriage. As I said I was coerced if not forced into it, I had no choice but staying for as long as I had to, and I took the first opportunity I had to escape.

I know that many women in my situation were and are unable to run away like I did and I will always defend them against anyone calling them codependents who chose their abusers who terrorized and brainwashed them, because they had a troubled childhood, and against those who are saying that those women have a freedom to chose to leave but because they are codependents they stay and "chose to be abused". This is a pile of crap which society puts on the shoulders of those (mostly) women to absolve and excuse their abusers, Further, it allows the intimate terror to take place within this so called civilized society.

August 6, 2007
8:55 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo,

Believe me I am with you on the issue of being in a forced situation like you were. I also understand that once in it, circumstances can be such that, you cannot get out. I do not take ownership of my mother's abuse of me or any of my partners. I do not think that I caused anyone to behave in the way they did. I also do not think that saying someone is a codependent is the solution to all abusive, unfulfilling and destructive relationships. It can be one of the explanations.

Like you have pointed out, human beings are so complex and no one desription can summarize an experience. I for one am just relieved to hear there is a whole lot of other people who have lived life like I have. That they are called codependents is of little significance to me. They can call us creatures from the black lagoon for all I care, what is and has been a saving grace to me is that the steps they suggested I do to heal myself, worked and continue to work for me.

I have friends who have found themselves in forced marriages, one found a prince and the other is in a transition house as I write this. These are unique circumstances and I for one would not compare myself to their situation. We are talking oranges and apples here. My friend in the transition house will still have to rebuild her self esteem and that of her girls. Another girl from a similar situation left her abusive husband and married another abusive one, left that one and has now married a prince. So who is to say...

I only know that for me the term codependency fits like a love. Can't speak for others.

August 6, 2007
10:41 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That's fair, fantas. Thank you.

August 7, 2007
1:52 am
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sadmike- I am sorry to hear that this lady cant be there for you. You deserve to have your hand held. Relationships are about feelings. What you desire is lovely.

August 7, 2007
2:02 am
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Matteo- I agree with you. There are many women who do not choose to stay with an abuser, but have no where to go. They would love to leave, but have no money, car, babysitter, etc. Womens shelters are horrible. A place with a bunch of rigid rules that treat all women like they are a bunch of idiots and they have women there that are nothing more than drug addicts that make up stories about being abused to get a free place to stay. NO ONE deserves to be abused. No victim should ever have to apologize. No victim ever wants to be in an abusive situation.

August 7, 2007
2:58 am
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Matteo))) I hear you. I liked the exchange. Very insightful.

August 7, 2007
5:53 am
Avatar
chardy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi All,

I have been in so many relationships with partners from hell and looking back I can see the same thread that led me into tese relationships. I felt sorry for them! Not initially, at first they told me the things I wanted to hear then came the stories about their dreadful childhood and/or marriage. I wanted to take care of them.

I won't go into all of them, just the last three:

JI was a great charmer seemed to be everything I wanted in a man. He was seperated from his wife and lived with his 2 adult sons. He appeared to be suuccessful in his business (the same type of business that I run) what a team we could have made. The more I got to know him the more I realised that he may have been successful in the past but was in a real mess with his work,so I helped him, free of charge. He said that he was depressed over his wife leaving him,he just couldn't understand why? Then his sons left him. For three years he asked me to bear with him and I did, but he used me. He was seeing other women all the time and when his divorce became final he ended our relationship. He has tried to contact me over the years but no way am I getting involved there again! I can see why his wife left him, he is very manipulative and has an enormous ego.

DR came into my life soon after. He was fresh out of rehab for an alcohol problem Everyone admired him, he ran a pub and didn't drink anymore, that must be difficult. Over nine months we became good friends. He used to tell me about his terrible childhood and yes, I felt so sorry for him. I had done some work for him and he took me out for a meal to thank me. The next day he told me he had fallen in love with me?? There started a three year relationship with a compulsive liar and thief. When he stole from me I made excuses for him. He owed some money and was going to be beaten up if he didn't repay it. I got most of the money back and we carried on. He lived with me when he wasn't at work. One evening I called him and a woman answered his phone. It turned out that he had rented a house with another woman and was living with both of us. She was 30 years youger than me, young enough to be his daughter. I actually had a breakdown,I think that I was so confused. I was in hospital for 2 weeks. This was nearly 5 years ago. When I got out of hospital I planned a break in the sun which is where I met DK.

There I was sunbathing around the pool in the Canaries with my self esteem at it's lowest ebb ever when I met DK. Twenty years younger than me, good looking and fit. What a boost to my self esteem when he was showing interest in me. I should have had a holiday romance and left it at that. But no I married the b*****d. At the time he seemed to be so loving and considerate. Over the years I foundout all about his background. Put in a kids home at 3 years old, totally rejected by his parents. He did go back to stay with them when he was 8 years old and they taught him to steal from shops. This led on to a life of crime and many years imprisonment. We married nearly three years ago and I thought he had left his life of crime behind him, but no, he keeps running back to it. I've no idea how many times he has left me. As soon as he is in trouble he comes back for me to bail him out.

I am in the process of divorcing him and he was living in digs. Three days ago he was thrown out of his digs and came back here telling me that he would have to live in his car. Guess what,he is now staying in my spare room. And me? I am just so depressed that I wish I didn't ever have to wake up.

Looking back over what I have written here shows me what a weak, pathetic person I am when it comes to men. In business I have always been strong and dynamic but that has now gone too.

Sorry for the length of this post but reading through all of the posts here I saw it as an opportunity to get this out in the open and maybe make some sense of it all.

Thanks for being there

Take care

Chardy

August 7, 2007
1:44 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

chardy- These stories are so sad. The one fresh out of rehab.. what a sociopath, JI was a straight up user, now this new one. I am glad to hear you have initiated a divorce. It is a step in the right direction. Are you enjoying his company?

August 7, 2007
3:18 pm
Avatar
chardy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Destinystar

Thank you for your response. I will respond tomorrow. He is here right now and if he sees this he will go mad. He has never hit me but is very intimidating.

Take care

Chardy

August 7, 2007
4:27 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You meet people where you are at in your life. IF you are not in a good spot then chances are high you are not going to meet someone good for you. The general idea is to find someone to love you and if you attract the partner from hell it is probably because you did not get enough love somewhere or you suffer from low self esteem. There is no one answer. Life is what is presented to you. If you are better prepared you know what to look for and pass easily on something you know is not good. It helps certainly. However when you are young and naive, or your experiences in childhood, you don't always have the developed skills. Victims are only true victims that are have no control over what is happening to them. You could stop yourself but you don't because of lack of knowledge or even life experiences or you feel that something awful will happen to you if you don't. Whatever happens in your life, whatever choices, they are your choice and your choice alone. Guilt and shame are powerful emotions that come into play when deciding to marry or pursue a relationship. But they are useless emotions. Take them away and you have the skill you need to walk away. Those are my thoughts. As if you love yourself and take care of yourself and what you need it is much easier to accept and not take what you will have in your life. At any given time in your life someone could walk into your life. it is all a matter if where you are in your life and generally this is what I take from a therapist or anyone else says "we attract people who are about as healthy as we are". It is a concept and a wide spectrum of people would understand. Utlimately everyone wants love and the need for it is intensified if a person doesn't receive as they deserve it, so strongly that someone might overlook everything else. That is why self esteem is important and the ability to love yourself is also important. People come and go in your life, even relatives or people you thought would always be there but in the end you always have to live with yourself forever so at least if nobody loves you in the world you have at least one person you can count on. And it also helps you to pick better partner once you know what you need. It is life experiences. I believe in independency, and having this knowledge is useful before you get into a relationship. BUt I know that is not the real world out there. And that is sad of course. I dont know the answer just that hopefully seek a peaceful life as opposed to staying in a relationship that is bad for you. You can conquer if you face the fear of it. Im not talking abusive type, that is not familiar to me. I am speaking of what I see around me. And I do see lots of women staying with men because they don't want to be alone. There are women that simply cannot handle being alone so they just drift from one to the next and some get lucky and find a nice one but it is not always about luck but learning to live alone and being happy with it. And it works both ways, guys are the same, in that they too don't like to be lonely. SO many things come in to play when meeting a partner either healthy or not. It is no one answer, nothing simple about it. Everyone is different. Everyone relationship is different. The past can only teach you for the present. So if you ahve a strings of losers from the past, then certainly you have the power to change that today and for tomorrow. Seek the answer, ask the questions, and above all know yourself better than anyone. It takes time too. You deserve peace and happiness whether you are in a relationship or by yourself. Either way be good to yourself.

August 7, 2007
4:35 pm
Avatar
AQueen
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Someone said all women's shelters are horriable places. Not true. I attend a weekly support group for DV victims aka survivors and the organization that runs the meeting is a full service domestic violence resource center for women and children. A couple of the women in the my group at in a shelter if it can even be called that. They were immediately placed in their own cottage. No sharing rooms, no sharing bathrooms, nothing like that. Rent free and on a waiting list for more permanent housing. One has been on a waiting list for 6 months and she's moving in two weeks into a permanent place to stay. She has been staying in her own cottage with her two children all this time and paying no rent. She got assistance from the state in the form of a card that looks like a debit card but there are two accounts on it. One if for food and one is cash. She also gets medical insurance through the state free of charge. She can't collect these benefits indefinately because none of the states allow that anymore and she's in the special domestic violence program so she may get it a bit longer. People on regular welfare have to enter a workfirst program and be actively seeking work in order to collect a monthly payment of cash, food, medical benefits. You can only be on assitance for 60 months in a lifetime regardless of how many chidren you have. They won't let you stay on straight for 60 months either. You have to get a job but if you lose it and need help for a little bit you can get back on as long as you haven't used up your 60 months. Anyways I'm getting off base here. Domestic violence shelters are NOT all bad and they help women leave abusive men and start over. They helped me enter a address confidentiality program when I moved so no one has my physical address. Only a PO box set up and paid for by the state for domestic violence victims. You get a special card so all state agencies and whatnot have to accept a PO box as your only address. Things have changed and services have gotten so much better. You can leave an abuser with no money, no sitter, no place to go and survive.
AQueen

August 7, 2007
5:09 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

" That they are called codependents is of little significance to me. They can call us creatures from the black lagoon for all I care, what is and has been a saving grace to me is that the steps they suggested I do to heal myself, worked and continue to work for me."

Amen ((((fantas))))) Amen

August 7, 2007
5:16 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been involved in this very converstion on other threads. I ultimately threw in the towel, secure in the knowledge that I know what I know....and ultimately, that is all that matters.

The only thing that I can (or will) add to the discussion is that in my experience, I found it quite empowering the day I realized that...yes I DO have a choice. And my hope for all of us is that we ALL have that realization and feel empowered by that knowledge.

Love to you all,

Lolli

August 7, 2007
5:21 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I had liked that statement as well. I have never liked the label of it all. Sometimes is just plain dysfunctional behavior or making a poor choice. Nobody is ever perfect, even perfect people are not perfect. Life is experiences and there are just going to be some you handle well and others you don't. I met my alcohlic husband in college. I kept dating him out of all of them because he was consistent and regular at calling me. He was reliable, boring but reliable. And I was also young, not too experience at steady relationship. We have two kids together. He has not changed too much either. But I cannot say he was partner from hell. He had loads of problems, and I had my own too but neither of us were bad people or abusive marriage. IF I had to do it all over I would have walked away but then again, I would not have my two kids either. There is always a positive even out of a very negative situation.

August 7, 2007
5:33 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Taj....good to see you.

I don't always agree with "labels" either. However, in my opionion, it is better to be labeled "codependent", than to go on believing that we are to blame because we are just plain crazy....as we are so often led to believe by our "loved ones".

Love,
Lolli

August 7, 2007
5:34 pm
Avatar
lemoni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
August 7, 2007
6:38 pm
Avatar
lemoni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry Im new and sent blanks by mistake. I think I startd a thread by mistake as well. I have recently dicovered I have codep issues. Two abusive relationships with drug and alcohol addictions later it has dawned on me. Take a look at sociopathic behaviour and alc/drug abuse.
I thought I could heal them, bent myself all out of shape for them, got abused by them. Staying away from my recent ex isn't easy bcoz his good side was so good. He did describe himself to me one time as being half Gandi and half Adulf Hitler. Scary...

August 7, 2007
6:41 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Lolli))) thank you:)

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
34
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information