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Where did I go
April 30, 2003
9:42 am
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Anonymous
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After 2nd session with counselor, I have no idea who I am and where I went. One day I feel like I am just in an unhappy marriage and don't have the courage to leave; the next day I have a new adjective. I thought I was sweet, nurturing, caring, and nice to be around; but am I really, or do I have certain behavior patterns so I can exist. I have looked deep inside to find what I like about myself, and it feels like I looking into a black hole. I am 55, have been married for 37 years and I have no idea where to start to find me.
I tried praying, but pity steps in - not that I want pity, but I don't know what to do with my feelings. Is this part of the beginning of a new me, the death of the old me, or the merging of both. Is this like 2 separate personalities that will always struggle for survival? Maybe the confusion will ease as I grow accustomed to what lies ahead, but today, I feel like I am in mourning.

April 30, 2003
10:57 am
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Hi Flush,
I think you are just trying to discover who you really are and what you want out of life. It can be a very hard thing to do because it does mean looking at the way we do things and seeing what needs to be thrown away, as far as behavior goes, and what needs to be kept.

Do you feel like you are connecting with your counselor? This will be an important relationship for you and you need to feel like this person can relate to what you are saying and feeling. I went through similar feelings when I first started going to counseling and my mind just wouldn't shut off after I left my session. I think that is a good thing though because it causes you to examine why you believe the things that you do about yourself and life.

It sounds like you are at a point in your life where you are ready to make a change. That is a very good thing because you can't change something if you don't know that it isn't working. You know that this way of living isn't working for you and you are taking the steps to do something about it. Be proud of yourself for taking that first step. It is more than a lot of people ever do. Keep going to your counseling sessions and keep posting. There are a lot of people who write on here who are very good at helping others.

Just know that you are not alone. Prayer is a good thing too and it will help you regain that peace inside. You have every right to your feelings and you don't have to push them aside just because you think you are having a pity party. It is not a pity party to learn how to deal with your thoughts and feelings. Hang in there.

April 30, 2003
11:21 am
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Hi Flush,

There are lots of things you have to say that I felt I could relate to in a major way.

I remember once, as a college intern working for Protective Services, being asked to watch a 2 year old child while her foster parents met with a social worker and other staff. This baby didn't know me, and so when her foster parents left her with me, she started to cry. My first instinct was to think of a way to make her stop. Then I realized if I was her, I would want to cry, and with good reason. She is away from her parents. She is left in a room with someone she hardly knows, after being removed from her parents and placed with people she didn't know. I decided to just allow her to cry, and told her it was okay, and I would want to cry, too, if I was her. The supervisor ended up coming into the room and taking the baby from me, stating that she needed to stop crying.

What I learned from this is that we are programmed beginning at an early age by most of the adults in our life to "stuff" our emotions. It wasn't okay for that baby girl to cry because it made the adults uncomfortable. Weird. Because in our adult world, we are taught that emotions are categorized "either" happy or sad, angry or glad, etc. So what do you do when you find yourself in a place where you love your life and hate it at the same time? What do you do when you love your partner and they make you feel sick at the same time?

In fact, we almost always feel 2 completely different ways about the exact same thing all the time. Why? Because there are 2 sides to every story. There are healthy and unhealthy attributes in every person (ourselves included). So when we are taught that it's one way or the other, but feel 2 different things--sometimes opposite things--at the same time, we feel obligated to choose. Sometimes the pressure to choose comes from within, sometimes it comes from those around us.

You have reasons for wanting to be where you are, and reasons for wanting to leave. All your reasons are valid and deserve to be considered by you and those around you. Just because you have variations in your feelings doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you. On the contrary, being self-aware enough to realize this demonstrates there is clearly something RIGHT with you!

I wonder what might happen if we were all able to allow our feelings to co-exist, even if they are perceived as opposites...

Sending you thoughts of encouragement today.

Arwen

May 6, 2003
5:06 pm
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i can relate to your story being in active addiction for 9 years and being on the road to recovery there have been times i have had to take a look over in that blackhole of my own. iam a complely different person using than not and my journey to know the person i have become is alot to take on but at the end of the day weather i've had a good day or a bad day its ok because i am clean, i mourned for that old life or person but i eventually got tired and started creating things to like about myself. wish you the best

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