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where Am I please ?
December 9, 2000
3:30 pm
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nobodies_anybody
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September 30, 2010
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Ok the facts - plain and simple. I'm 32, single, male, straight, caucasian, from europe living in The States. I don't feel I hang on the past but this is it, incase you think it is a complication. At 17 I cut my wrist just to stop my folks from hasseling me about exams and the future. Even though I went to the doctors etc to this day my father never mentioned it.(I love my parents dearly - they have always been good to me - if not a little strict - when I was younger). At 21 to 23 I was bulimic and good at it. I have always been fairly personal and not overly extrovert. People often talk to me with their problems so I know and am reassured that some of my qualities are quite nice. My education is average and acceptable. My work experience is good and mostly in the corpoorate world. (I wore my first suit and carried my first briefcase and pager working through the holiday between school and college at the age of 16). A couple of years ago I got my Commercial Licence for Helicopters but havent flown for a year for financial reasons and visa regulations etc. I take responsibility for my actions and past and my feelings today. I gave up a car, girlfriend, home etc to come to the states. I now have very little really compared to what I had back home. Ive worked in Italian Restaurants, on computers and as a professional technician now for over a year.

I have never told anyone all of this stuff - however stupid it seems. But after finding this website - why not?

At the risk of already having been catagorized my real problem is social. After having a very active sexual relationship for about 3 years and before that with a couple of other girlfriends, I have now not had any physical contact with another person in over four years. I'm not a cuddly kind of person unless I really like her and know she is on the level. I am much more at home, if you like `playing a role'. For example - give me a business meeting, a stage or a road traffic accident or burning building and I'll take charge and get things happening. Give me a social situation and I'll put up with it but the chances are I'll know where the fire exits are, before you do.
Don't get me wrong, please. I have done some good things with my life and a couple of my ambitions have been reached if at the expence of more important things. I have alot to be thankful for. I find myself being nice to everyone and anyone most of the time. I'll only raise my voice if someone really pushes my bottons for or they over winge about superficial/over materialistic reasons. Women have an annoying habit of playing with their hair when they see me in supermarkets, so I know things could be alot less convenient. However, I guess the real reason is get a woman, join a club etc make more friends. I have friends through work - I work alot and am on call at weekends quite often including this one. The crazy thing is my ups and downs are so normal now it is silly. The thought of suicide is so casual and common yet so unrealistic at the same time. After all I love my parents too much and thats the end of it really. If I didn't have parents then I probably wouldn't have the guts or crazyness anyway probably. Although - I always thought that alot of suicides must have been normal people who were tired and just needed a good nights sleep or vacation.

I guess most of us go through life like a spectator watching family and friends and people doing what they do. I know for a fact that I need to speak to someone and when I go back to my country when my visa expires later next year I probably will. I hope maybe a professional opinion comes through. The past is not the big deal here for me - although yes it helped form the mindset I find myself having again if for other more recent reasons. I know, it's annoying to just hear another attention seeker feel sorry for themselves. On the other hand (I am maybe a little masochistic), I work very hard and am always happy to take on more than other poeple can chew. All of the empoloyers in my life have liked my work - whatever it has been. As you can probably tell - I could write for ever and maybe need to. I'll end here and hope a professional opinion comes back - even though I appreciate it is just that - an opinion.
Take care people and let me know your story and we'll take it from there.

December 10, 2000
7:18 pm
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Cutie14
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September 24, 2010
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Hello, My name is "cutie 14" I just wanted to let you know I used to cut too. With in the last week I have quit, again, hopefully this time for good. I have also thought of suicide very often, but somehow I am putting all those horrible feelings of depression behind me. I am only 14, female, living in the us, so I guess that my opinion doesn't really matter all that much, but I thought I would tell you that you aren't the only one who has cut in the past, there are a whole shit load of us cutters, or ex-cutters out there. I know that I shouldn't really make this about myself, but I am kinda like you, I love to type and talk and stuff, anyway, how did you finally stop cutting? Or did you stop? I am not sure if you did or not, i can't really tell...I hope everything works out for you.
Cutie14

December 10, 2000
9:33 pm
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nobodies_anybody
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Hello Cutie14,

I think your opinion does matter alot.

Yes I did stop. That time was serious enough to make me rethink some things.
Firstly I immediately regretted what I did when I saw my mother in tears.
I was then reminded that it could be put on my medical record which could affect whether I was able to get a mortgage, buy a house, get a loan etc. The idea of people being able to see the scar now under different circumstances makes me a little uncomfortable if not just for the thought that they might conseqeuntly feel uncomfortable around me.

Things happen in life here and there which always challenge our emotions. The only thing I felt I could do is my best, keep a good heart, keep my chin up, think of what I want to do and aim to do it. Talking to people is always recommended. Funnily enough, I have a couple of really good friends quite simply because we were able to level with each other and hear each others stories - exactly as we felt them.

When you get older you will have some GREAT times and the tough times you have known in the past will actually make these new experiences even better. It's difficult to explain as I am not a professional councillor and it is always good to talk to someone, ESPECIALLY your parents. Later in life my father told me he actually learn't quite alot from me. It's obvious to me now that it helps to talk to our folks. Believe it or not - our talking to them actually helps them too, for many reasons, plus we can help them feel they are on a healthy level with us. It is often difficult to talk to our parents - like the singer Mike and the Mechanics says he was `a hostage to his parents hopes and fears'. Despite what our parents place on us or hope for us....they really just want us to be healthy and happy. Unless we really talk to them - they can not help us to be that way.

Look to the future cutie14 and imagine how many people out there you will be able to help as you get older.

Thanks and all the best. G.

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