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When you are the looser.. help and advice NEEDED
September 1, 2005
12:50 am
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BOO_la_Rei
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HI, everyone, I am new here, I'm glad to have found this place. Right now I am extremely depressed and stressed. I have been with "the perfect man" for 3 years now. we have an 18 mo old daughter. about 3 or so weeks ago, he told me that "he couldn't do it anymore" that his love "was not unconditional" and that he wanted me to leave. Since then I have been in a haze. I wanted to leave at first, I was totally ready to do it. I went out and applied for a lot of jobs (no calls yet) I went to the child support place in our county, to the indegence place, to judicare (pays for family court when you cant) all of that. I even began packing. Then I realized how VERY HARD it would be to move. I mean, we have had this house for about 18 months, we moved in just a month after our daughter was born, anyway it has been I not him that has filled this house and made it a home. We were so happy at first, then, I quit brest feeding and started to take otc drugs like Ephedrine (my lifetime addiction) my self prescribed antidepressant (only at the time I was not depressed!) and my numb it all for those times I just cant cope. Like right now. Anyway, I have always known that I am co dependant. But it is only recently that I wanted to start to do somthing about it. I just dont feel like me anymore, I am constantly thinking about what he is doing, how he feels about me, what he is going to do for/with me etc.. Part of this is jelousy because he loves my daughter so much and is so affectionate with her, like he was with me when we first got together. He was my night in shining armor, helped me get off street drugs by doing nothing more than pay attention to me. Anyway,, I am just wondering what you all think of my situation, what would you all do. Whould you leave if so how! that kind of thingl
thanks all... I sure hope someone is on right now.

September 1, 2005
12:56 am
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exoticflower
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boo, one thing to concider...when you stop nursing, your hormones have some really strong effects on you, as would the emotional impact of it. Not that this will fix your problems, drugs are very serious when there is a child involved, but it may help to speak with a Dr. about this matter to see if it can be helped at all while you work through these other things.

September 1, 2005
12:57 am
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exoticflower
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You may also want to look into NA, drug abuse is drug abuse regardless of the nature of the drugs. It's free, available, and no one wants to judge you, just to include you in their own recovery proccess.

September 1, 2005
12:57 am
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mamacinnamon
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BOO:

Do you want the marriage to work?
If so, fight for it. Get off the drugs. You need to get off the drugs anyway or you could lose custody of your beautiful baby.
If you want it to work... sit down w/ him face to face, no distractions, and tell him how you feel; that you want to try again. Go to marriage counseling. If the marriage is to work it will take both of you.

September 1, 2005
1:03 am
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exoticflower
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Maybe you could go to NA for a while, really use that codependant nature to help you lean on the program in hubbies absence and to help you be the mother I know when your head clears you will know you want to be. When I was at my worste, for different reasons, i actually concidered leaving y daughter. Looking back I know that I was in a very dark place and that I was being selfish out of absolute terror of myself...helping myself helped my daughter too. It wasn't drugs or drinking (well, one night it was, not my proudest hour and not who I am at all usually). But it was that same dark place, and I realized thankfully that I had the power to shed light on it. It does take work, but it really ISN'T easier to keep doing what is familiar. I swear, the rewards of getting better are amazing!

September 1, 2005
1:06 am
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Lass
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Two things:

First, it is a HUGE adjustment for two people when they marry, AND then have a child. I would try to be calm and not overreact. Just be confident and loving.

Second, go to a NA or AA mtg and get some support. Go to the county for free counseling.

Third, quietly, privately, and calmly, contact your local agencies and formulate a plan for your life

It is a very powerless feeling to be a woman with a young child. Men feel burdened, scared, and controlling at this time, but most couples find their stride eventually.

September 1, 2005
1:08 am
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BOO_la_Rei
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I forgot to mention that I am diagnosed bi-polar and am on medication. actually a coctail of medications. They seem to help alot most of the time.
But these life issues are stressfull and I don't think the drugs are ment to numb me .. to close out negative feelings.
Also I forgot to mention that I have an on again off again drug use. I go for 2-6 weeks without any at all.. then I binge for about a week and start all over.. all the while spilling my guts to a man , bearing my soul. and the major response is that my reasoning, my actions they dont match up and therefore I am a liar, Everything that comes out of my mouth is just a manipulation. .. The major symptom right now and latley for me of codependantcy is paranoia or distrust of him. I have no real reason because he is so true blue it makes me sick... crap,,, I just dont know. there is way too much inside to make any sence when trying to explain. I am a stuffer too.. feelings were not allowed in my family growing up so now talking about them makes me extremely confused and hypoemotional! I used to cry whenever anyone hugged me.. for any reason.. touching was also banned in my family.. wow, I am starting to realize the depth of my issues here.. I am a very intelligent person.. just very emotionally ... inept. sheesh... maybe not I dont know.. do you see what I mean about my feelings? It is hard for me to tell elation from pride from lust from joy! ...
any advice about whom to seek out.. what type of counseling would maybe help me to identify and treat my issues?.. I am not even going to proof read this because I am sure I will delete the whole thing. I hope I havent broken any rules here.. no, I dont think so. so what can anyone tell me about how to help myself?

September 1, 2005
1:17 am
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exoticflower
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You can look up NA in the phonebook, you can go to a womans shelter and take your daughter with you (insist on this if you do decide to go). the upside is that you don't have to rely on your codep relationship to get help, you wll be learning to do it yoursef, you will have help with your child, you will have a lot of help around the clock, you will be in a structured environment. And if you take your child with you, the courts (gulp) if anything ever should bring you there about all of this, would see that you want to get better and don't want to lose her and wanted her somewhere safe and close to you. in codep relationships I see a lot of times the 'saver' feeling that it is their duty to 'save' the child by taking the child rather than by offering a lot of love and support while the one with the other problems gets better. People do it all the time, you know, get better with a child. I was in a horrible state of depression, but aside from that one horrible day I concidered leaving her (on his suggestion), I never wanted to lose her, and she has never held me back from getting better. Nor has she been effected by my healing proccess. This is just one suggstion, of course, thinking that this way you could hve some structure and state help rather than state interfearance with our child situation. And if you and your spouse can work it out, this is not a permanent situation...it lest him see how serious you are, and lets you learn self reliance. Which will be crucial to you if you are going to one day go home and be able to do it on your own. But again, just ONE of many possibilities in dealing with this.

September 1, 2005
1:22 am
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BOO_la_Rei
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I have been to NA and AA and have many aquaintances in both fellowships.. funny how I didn't think of them! The thing is, I do not believe I am addicted to anything. Am I in denial, maybe, maybe not.. I realize that when I use my beloved ephedrine.. and am running low how my "beast' drives me to get more. I AM able to say no, I am able to say no more, to say that there are more important things right now. ... sounds like rationalization and minimalization.
Hmmm.. just because I don't go to meetings dosn't mean I cant contact my friends in the program right LOL. .. boy, I want to dig deeper now. sort of a tug of war between spilling it all and stuffing it all.
who hasn't done that?..

September 1, 2005
1:30 am
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BOO_la_Rei
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Exotic, lass,
thanks for the supportive words 0f encouragement. I sit here nodding my head at your suggestions, saying I know I know.. they are right. But I highly doubt I will go to a shelter. well, THE shelter. I want my marriage to work, I am just not understanding why my spouse wont accept my behavior, OR go to counseling with me. I even said, we can do one on ones along with the group thing. (2 of us) I havent gotten any sort of answer yet. I am unsure weather He is manipulative, controlling, OR mentally abusive. I am not really sure of anything anymore. .......... please keep me talking and give me observations. I am so grateful to have found this group!

September 1, 2005
3:56 pm
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kathygy
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What are your husbands reasons for ending the marriage? If you can't stay off of drugs for good you have a problem. It sounds like you are minimizing the importance of your drug use. I suggest you back to NA meetings to help you keep clean.

love,
kathy

September 1, 2005
4:08 pm
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BOO_la_Rei
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Kathy, well, his reasons are good ones, I will give him that, I was deeply addicted to many drugs when he met me and had been for a number of years. Somehow, when we started dating, I just quit. All the hard drugs I mean. Everything was pretty great for a while.

after the baby and after breastfeeding was done with, I fell back into old use habits, I recognized the problem and talked to my doctor about medication because I have always thought that using ephedrine is a self medicating tactic, I found Ultram, in combination with effexor, and it works for me, makes me feel very normal and positive, the problem is, I tend to overuse the ultram and run out about a week early every month and either become a zombie for a week or use ephedrine to "keep me going" Back to the question, his reasons are me being unable to manage money, my dishonesty when it comes to money, my taking HIS money (I don't make any income) it is pretty much about money, then there was the fact that for a long time I have been trying to get OUR relationship back on track IE. moving our daughter out of our bedroom so that we can make love! He wont have it. this is not an excuse I know, but I was very lonley and fell into a moment of poor judgement and cheated. I told him when he asked me, I did not lie, and I told him why I did it. It is the only time I have cheated EVER in my whole life, I need more intimacy than he will give because our baby still sleeps in our room and he is intensley private and conservative.
then there are emotional issues... refer to "letter to my husband" thread. I felt like that letter was written to me 90% of it fit.
I have been trying to get help, I have tried and failed to get his supp0ort for counceling and so fourth, he seems not to understand that my emotyional development stopped at age 17, stopped dead when I started doing drugs and has just recently began again. Anyone know what I am talking about with that one? Also, the whole family man thing might not be for him, he said that he is tired of supporting me. yet he tells me I dont need to work yet.. I think I covered all the bases. thanks for asking, I need to keep these things fresh in my mind if I am to make my life better.

September 1, 2005
4:15 pm
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littlesteps
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Boo part of the journey you want to take with your co-da thing as you said in my thread is getting really honest with yourself, and as you have read with me I know how scarey that is, you dont have to be honest with anyone else just you. The question I ask you is why does your husband want to end your marriage??? is it that he feels you have an addiction? or is it for other reason? keep posting, and keep the faith.

Hugs

September 1, 2005
4:30 pm
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taj64
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HI Boo. First you are not a loser. And abuser of drugs but not a loser. You do need help. That is the first step is helping YOU. Your husband probably resents you. If he is working, and you are drugging, he probably resents that you are not putting your share into the relationship, to help yourself. He probably is placing the baby in the room in order to make himself unvailable to you. He probably doesn't trust. I am sure he is feeling like you are putting your drugs ahead of him. He may feel you have abandoned him. You say you are not making any money, but how do you afford these drugs? Is he paying for them because if so, then he must really resent this, and keeping it in. He sounds like an enabler or control person by not allowing you to earn your own money. No you are not a loser, just making very poor choices. I think trying to conquer the biggest problem first and that is the drug use. Get the help first and foremost and then tackle all the other ones. Your daughter needs a clean and sober mom no matter if your relationship works or not.

September 1, 2005
5:11 pm
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littlesteps
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Boo ask yourself why you need the drugs, be honest with yourself, you will find like each and everyone of us here it's to help self medicate a very deep rooted pain, hey I drink, I smoke cigs, I work to much, I watch tv to get lost in some stupid fantasy to push it all down. Truth is we do these things because facing the inner true is scarey and painful. I beleive you jumped the fence so to speak wasnt about sex, more about needing to be loved, needing for someone anyone to hold you, I know how that rejection thing feels from your husband, and a very similar thing happened to me when I was 21, we had just got married blar blar and he was very physically abussive back then, just a mean nasty son of a gun, anyways like you I stopped growing if ya like mentally around the same age 17....why hell who knows at this point, probably because I was still a kid, living with this guy and trying awfully hard to be all grown up, watching what everyone else did trying to pull it all off....I never really had the chance to grow up or ever focus on me or my needs, going from a very abbussive childhood, straight into a very abbusive relationship with a guy who was 7 yrs older then me and had had lots of women, he was more or less my first boy friend, emotionally at 17 I was very immature, but figgured I knew it all, heck after the life I had had as a kid I figured I knew most things NOT lol. Anyways I too jumped the fence and had a short lived affair with a guy who showed me a little bit of attention, when I got caught and I did, oh boy it wasnt pretty....I got alot of beatings for it, wasnt long before I was preg with our first child....threw out the preg, my hub would call me fat and he would tell me the thought of even touching me made his skin crawl...I had no one to go to, it was hard and I hated myself. We had alot of money problems after our first born, and my hubby suggested I go and be a hooker, after all he said you want to sleep with every other guy....so like a dip shit that I was, I did it for him, for about 6 months I allowed my body to be used as a piece of meat, it was like being rapped over and over, I hated myself so much, I tried hanging myself in the garage where a dog control officer found me, it was so devasting, my hub still expected me to do it and was really pissed at me when I said no more. I had our 2nd child as a way to cleanse myself, I was so dirty, I couldnt even let my baby bath with me anymore. My world became so small....I started reading taro cards and got into all kinds of weird stuff, at the time I hardly drank and was looking for some kind of relief even back then. When we moved to the states 7 yrs ago my husband had an affair with a customer of all things, the pain I endured was unbeleivable, I blamed myself for the whole thing, he told me the reason he had done it was because ...she had bigger tits and a smaller ass then me...what did I do, I went and got breast impants lol....ya know Boo I havent opened up like this in yrs, can you see why lol, who in the hell wants to look at all this pain and anger....I used to be the most happy go lucky easy going person, my nic name was smiley...now I wonder where that girl went, I want her back, and I know the only way to get her back is to get honest with me, go threw the pain and fear ( the darkness) and then I will find the light again. Be strong Boo, dont keep abandoning the wee girl inside of you, she needs you now, so love her and listen to her, she is the key to freedom. Hugs to you and know no one is gonna judge you, and if they do, its because they are still wounded souls too and it makes them feel better about them, thats all.

September 1, 2005
8:04 pm
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BOO_la_Rei
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to all, I appreciate all of your feedback and support, I do feel that there has been too much emphasis on drugs though. I am not activley using or even using on a weekly basis. I have to add that I do not feel as if I have been attacted, but I do feel that it is hard to not be defensive here, I suspose that what I really want to say is that I have come here to discuss my coDa issues. I go to my bi-polar group to discuss my bi-polar issues etc. I really appreciate and all of the feedback constructive and supportive!

September 5, 2005
11:32 am
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Dear Boo,

Just a quick thought about hearing you -- what stands out for me is that you are bi-polar and maybe we all just don't grasp what that is like.

Our son dated a young woman for several months who was bi-polar and on meds for it. They got tickets to take a neat trip together, but she actually "disappeared" a few days before they were to leave. He ended up taking the trip by himself, and then just ending the relationship because he wasn't willing to put himself through that circus anymore. Her parents were calling and asking him to reconsider because they really liked him and wanted him to give her another chance. I felt so sorry for them that dealing with her condition had made them that grasping for her sake.

In retrospect, I think I understand that it must be devastating not to be able to trust yourself. Is it a total inability to control impulses? How many people do you know that have dealt with bi-polarism? I mean, what seems to work well?

My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, work on daily keeping-youself-together stuff. Consciously tamp down negative thoughts -- find some self-affirming things to say to yourself instead. You can't control how he behaves -- so go ahead and do what you need to do to make it on your own. You really can control what you do. MY best wishes for you.

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