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when won't I feel weird? (balancesekr)
January 23, 2005
12:26 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi everybody,
So I started counseling again and went to a CODA meeting the other day. I have been grieving my past relationship still and I still replay the whole thing and miss my ex. When I really think about being with him right now, I feel like I probably would not be happy, so it's difficult to understand why I obsess so much about it.

What really troubles me about the past relationship is that I didn't feel very happy most of the time we were together. My mind was spinning and wondering, is this relationship right for me? I can't tell if the relationship just got like this because he was a very busy guy, worked on the weekends for most of the year, lived at home with his parents, worked 3 jobs; so maybe we weren't able to bond totally, I am not sure. I just felt something was missing. He wanted to move in with me really early on in the relationship and I resisted this... until ultimately I told him I would want to be engaged if we moved in, he bought me a ring and I got really scared. Anyways...

I am trying to understand why I behaved the way I did and accept it. I was very scared to marry him due to certain circumstances which were unchangeable in his life... but I don't want to use that as the excuse. I wonder was I avoiding intimacy? Or did I make the best decision in my life and it's just going to take some time to recover?

I just seem to wind up dating someone and wondering why I don't feel more for them. Right now, I am dating someone new, I have taken time away a few times already, I guess it's OK we hang out but I wonder if it hurts me. I can't stand this double-mindedness. Part of me says, he's a great guy, you have a lot in common, once you are healed you will know how you feel about him. I don't want to just stop talking completey, that seems so harsh, is that what is necessary?

So I told the new guy, I don't want you to get too serious because I am not fully healed and not sure how I feel. He understands and is OK with this. Yet, he still calls and asks to hang out. My therapist told me the other day that I have a tough time letting go of relationships that are bad for me (meaning my ex) she said that just dating this guy not too seriously is fine. I am having trouble though... is this the codependency? How many times am I going to tell him I don't know how I feel and then hang out with him and kiss him. Sometimes it feels good and other times I feel weird and like it is wrong.

I know my tendency is to push someone until they reject me. I don't know what to do with my new guy. He is a friend, we go to school together... part of me doesn't want to lose the opportunity to be with him, but I don't want to hold on if I don't know if he is right for me. He is 9 years younger, very mature for his age, but I had a problem with my ex because he didn't stand on his own enough and he was 6 years older than me. I just don't want to back myself into a corner. In my mind, I may prefer someone who is more on my level, further ahead, doesn't live at home, etc... However, the new guy is an independant type, but still has one more year of school and he's so much younger.

Thanks for reading all this, I haven't posted in forever. My question is, do I just need more time. I just typed the problem out and I already know the solution? When will I stop backpeddling and when will I feel good with someone. I feel a new level of friendship/intimacy with the new guy, but I also feel weird a little still, like I always do.

January 23, 2005
2:47 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi balance; I think you've already answered your own questions by saying you want someone who is further ahead, not living at home, etc. But if this is new try not to have too many expectations and maybe just give it a chance. You never know. As for me I want someone one my level as well, don't want someone who has less than I do ( one guy rented an apt and didn't even unpack boxes but thought he might like living in my place- I don't think so). It doesn't hurt to play as long as you enjoy each others company. Maybe just enjoy it for awhile. Or if you know now it won't make you happy, try not to dig in deeper and end up getting hurt. Just my thoughts. Good luck. SD

January 23, 2005
6:08 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi SD, thanks for posting back. I do enjoy the new guys company, but I can't fully enjoy him, still have the ex on the mind. I keep going with the what ifs, what if I met my ex now, would it work?

Most of all, I just feel like I won't give something enough of a chance again, I feel like I am always going to wonder about my ex. Why was I so unsure when I was with him? Maybe because I was really codependent in that relationship and only recently learned new ways of relating.

I don't know how to put the stuff with my ex in a good place and move on. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I have changed or not.

January 23, 2005
11:03 pm
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balancesekr
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what's difficult for me is I am afraid to let go and be by myself again. Maybe I do strongly feel like I don't really want to be involved right now. But then I see the new guy, and he's really adorable and I don't want to let go. I feel it will be another loss and how many times am I going to have to lose someone?

I get scared because I feel I am continuing my pattern here... being unsure and hanging out with someone. I don't understand why I do this or where it comes from.

Can anyone help me out here?

January 23, 2005
11:45 pm
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farmertex
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Hey balancesekr
I am new here and trying to understand codependency. It sounds like you need some you time. Time to ask yourself what you need for you and not for anyone else. We all come from somewhere. You have to find out what makes you happy alone before you can find happiness with other people. Sounds difficult right? Well it is. Most good things in life require hard work. Most of the people that you meet who are happy are happy with themselves first. But believe me they have their share of frustrations. We all do? It all comes back to getting back to you. No one knows you better than yourself. Trust yourself. You know what your talking about. If you need to get back with your ex do it for you and if he doesn't want it than you know it's not for him. That's Ok because now atleast you know. My company has a slogan that I try to apply to my life. Grow with who you know. There is one person that knows you the best and that is you. Trust yourself. Confirm your feelings with people who know you. Somethimes we get confused about who we are and what is good for us. Try to keep it simple and good luck to you. You seem to me like a real nice person. I think you just need to convince yourself of that.

January 23, 2005
11:52 pm
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Bianca
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Hey Balance!

To me it sounds like you are trying to heal yourself, trying to make yourself a complete person again, which is great.

It also sounds like you think that this new guy might be getting in the way of discovering yourself, might be getting in the way of making yourself whole.

I could be completely wrong, but that's what I am reading in your posts. You are dating someone that would be great for you - when you are healed - and you don't want to lose him just because you aren't ready.

I just wanted to jump in and remind you of things that we all know, and sometimes need reminding of...

1. If he's a great guy, but it's the wrong time - then he's the wrong guy for right now. This doesn't mean he isn't right for later, but it's just not the right thing for you right now.

2. If he is the right guy, but it's the wrong time - and you try to force it to work even when you know it's the wrong time - the relationship is likely to fail, because it was pushed forward before it was ready.

and 3. If he is the right guy, and you end it to take some time to sort things out for yourself - then it will work out in the end. The old "if it's meant to be" thought.

Every month or two I pop in to see what people are up to, and I often see you talking about your ex and all the thoughts you have about him, as well as the new guy and the doubts you have about being in this relationship at this point in your healing.

The doubts you have about your current dating situation are more focused on YOU and whether YOU are ready, and maybe it's time to listen to those thoughts.

Take some time for you, time without dating. Some time to sort out your thoughts about your ex, your thoughts about you... and then you will reach a point where you are ready for someone, whether it's your current guy or someone entirely different! 🙂

January 24, 2005
5:06 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi farmertex & bianca,

How are you bianca! Last we spoke you had moved in to your own place, I hope you are doing well 🙂

I am really working on trusting myself way more than ever. I totally see how in the past I gave away my responsibility to others.

I feel so strange being this open and candid and really dealing with things and feelings... I feel like having a relationship like this will leave me so vulnerable but I guess this is what we are striving for here. When we start covering things up it all piles up and up till we are confused messes. I feel so different handling things head on!

I do need some time, the answers will come and it is great that I am not seeking the answer in the new fellow. Bianca, you are right that my doubts are more focused on me and whether I am ready. I read in BEYOND CODEP yesterday that the lesson we need to learn is in between us pointing the finger at someone else, why are they doing this to me and us pointing the finger at ourselves, completely blaming ourselves... the work we need to do is in the middle!

Regarding the ex, what happened between us was unfortunate and I feel upset that things went down the way they did. I feel disappointed I didn't just jump on board and trust him, but there were too many things freaking me out. I felt too uncomfortable and I am sad that he really didn't work with me to improve very many things that did bother me.

I guess I really pound myself about my own ambivalence with him. I just wonder WHY I felt that way and if I am always gonna get that feeling. And what if I didn't get that feeling, maybe I'd be with my ex today, but that is not what happened. Maybe I liked the drama, I am not sure. Sometimes I think meeting my ex again right now we be good, but probably not, nothing changes if nothing changes and my insecurities were not the only problem, but I still miss him anyway.

Thanks for reading all this. I am going to take my time, not feel guilty about needing to rediscover myself and try not to feel so naked doing all this.

January 24, 2005
8:33 pm
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Bianca
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Yeah, take some time...

I would consider stepping away from the current guy, too, as I am guessing that it's just making it harder to isolate things and heal yourself. I think it's possible you are using the current guy as a crutch, and maybe you need to let him go - at least for a few months.

I hope you don't think I am judging, lord knows I have used my fair share of dates as a crutch - especially during my divorce.

I'm thinking happy thoughts for you!

🙂

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