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when its immpossible to let go
May 29, 2000
8:00 pm
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immortal beloved
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I stopped seeing a boyfriend of mine in 1993 but I can't seem to get over him despite the fact that we are both married now. I think about him all the time and even dream about him. I have not been truely happy since we stopped seeing each other. I can't hate him because it was a wonderful relationship but I know that if I don't get over him, I might do something drastic and my life will be destroyed. I can't seem to stop loving him. I need him and I can't understand how he got over him since he was as head over heals about me as I was about him. I live in constant fear of bumping into him while at the same time, I believe that we will meet again. I avoid anybody who might remind me of him and this is not good because I'm losing a lot of friends this way. My husband is a wonderful man and I know I love him but I can't get over my ex-boyfriend. What makes it worse was that I contacted him once and he acted as if I was a total stranger. I sensed a lot of anger towards me on his part and I believe he believes that it was my fault that our relationship ended.I would appreciate any suggestions of the kind of therapy that might work. Will hypnosis or self-suggestion help in this case? Will I ever get over him?

May 29, 2000
9:05 pm
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Spirit
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My initial reaction to your thread is to grow up, grow wiser; however, how can one grow when stuck in a dark closet. The dark closet is the hopes and dreams that have no light shed on them. The only "proof" you have that you and he will be together again is your feelings. Feelings get us in trouble when we ignore that which we KNOW needs our attention, ie, our partners we have in our lives. You are now here, the past is nowhere.

You didn't mention why you and he broke off. Seven years is a long time to carry a torch for someone who is committed to another. Why do you feel as if you NEED him? Does he have matching tissue for a transplant? I'm not being flippent, just trying to understand why you need another man when you love your husband. As to what type of therapist, I haven't a clue. May you gain peace through understanding your motives.

May 30, 2000
1:54 pm
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immortal beloved
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I finally discussed this issue with my husband last night and he has helped me to see what the problem is. The reason I thought that my boyfriend and I broke up is not the reason that we did. I thought he moved on with his life because I got pregnant/married someone else and I carried that guilt with me for all th ese years but when my husband and I analyzed the relationship, it was obvious that my ex-boyfriend had moved on emotionally long before I got pregnant or before he told me. When I talked to him a while back, he was not honest enough to tell me that he had stopped loving me and had moved on and because of that, I never had any kind of closure. He let me carry all that guilt for all for so long. He moved on without letting me know and every decision I made was based on the fact that I assume we were still together. I know you are probably wondering how I could not know but it was a long distance relationship. I left him behind to come to this country. Now that my husband has helped me realise what the problem was, I now feel some relief but also a lot of anger. Why couldn't he just be honest? It would have saved me years of agonizing and self-hatred. I am so happy that I have a husband who loves me so much as to help me deal with this problem and I don't think its that much of a problem anymore.

May 30, 2000
8:51 pm
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Spirit
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The ol guilt trip, eh. Shame on him for putting you through that guilt game. People will push the guilt when they want to walk away "clean." Good for you and your husband. If more couples really took their relationship as serious as you two did, there would be less reason for divorce. Keep the lines of communication open. As to the anger, spin it over to a positive and don't look back again. Long seated anger only poisons a person. Stay within the spirit and peace will be your reward. Keep in touch. It helps to get the rest of the angry words out so they don't spill over onto the relationships of love and understanding.

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