Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
When it is ok to feel jealous?
January 17, 2007
4:57 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I assume everyday that I can trust my partner and that noticing other attractive folks is just that. I assume that my partner talking about how funny, how cute, how nice someone else is may just be normal.

What about those feelings of insecurity that I have? What am I supposed to do with those? Are their folks here who are just so much more confident than I? Are you really able to just let it go?

Cary

January 17, 2007
5:00 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you may get mixed responses from this one.

cuz I used to date a guy and we frequently would point out people who we thought were attractive for one reason or another. We were both committed and we both were secure...so it was not an issue.

Others would say that it is inconsiderate of your partner to be looking at others and it's not an insecurity issue, but a consideration issue.

considering you feel insecure, that's all you can really focus on.

and my only advice is to remind yourself that at the end of the day, you are the one your partner comes home to and makes love to...not the person they are looking at.

January 17, 2007
5:05 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My personal feeling is it ok to jealous some of the time and to me "normal" but I say normal to me as the feeling comes and goes very quickly. If you are stewing about it and feel it is too much for you then maybe a problem for you. I guess the answer is how you feel about it that counts. Everyone has different levels, some more than others. I'd say if it interferes with your relationship then it would be worth analyzing it. And if you work through it as the feelings come, talk yourself out of if that help. Those same attractive folks that get notice, they too could have issues just like you or anyone else, and nobody is perfect. All the good qualities you have need to be appreciated by you too, not just by those that know of them. Some are just jealous by nature.

January 17, 2007
5:15 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cary,

I would hope that if your partner knew how you felt about him (I assume you're a woman) talking that way about others, that he would stop talking about them and be sensitive to your feelings. Maybe later you would feel confident about him talking in this manner about others, but maybe he hasn't earned your trust yet in this regard.

Just my two cents worth.

Seeker

January 18, 2007
5:07 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think that I have a couple of issues here. I am in a realtionship with someone who's sexual history I know too much about. I assume that once someone has acting this way they always will. I feel that I am "keeping" him from this behavior but eventually he will be weak and act out.

Next issue: I AM CONTROLLING!!! I have been kidding myself into believing that I was acting this way to protect him and myself. I was attempting to keep him out of trouble by monitoring his behavior and comings and goings. WRONG!!

I am just insecure and afraid to let go. I correct his poor manners, I get upset when he looks at other men, I have a constant dialogue in my head about how he dosen't appreciate what he has, me of course.

I am trying to control the outcome of my life by controlling him. Where do I get-off?

Cary

January 18, 2007
6:26 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The past is the past. Sure you do have to pay attention to what is going on now. Focus on the positives he does for you. Not all of us have the greatest of manners, why is that so important to you? If he is just looking, whatever, but if he looking or staring in a way that you do not like then it is your problem. It sounds like you do not trust and without it, your relationship will suffer and will suffer more if you do not gain control of yourself. You can't control what he does, only he can. It is not your responsibility to monitor him. I think it is more than just jealous here but insecurity and focus on your needs and less on his. You have had a past as well, so don't you think you would want others to not dwell on that and want to know you for who you are today? You are not protecting anyone by being overbearing. You will smother the daylights and then the person will run in the other direction. Give space to yourself and to him. I always think a woman should be independant and not so focused on the man. Both you and your man will respect it.

January 19, 2007
6:57 am
Avatar
nothelpless
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I totally relate to this topic. I, too, have often been in relationships when my boyfriends have pointed out other attractive women or have been what I felt was outwardly flirty with other women. What helped me a lot was to realize that there are always going to be other women out there who are as or more attractive than me, but my boyfriend is with me and NOT them. The more openly jealous I would become, the MORE UNattractive I also became in my eyes and my boyfriend's eyes. When I finally was able to let go of this craziness in my head, I felt so much more at peace with our relationship and with myself. It also helped with my self confidence to realize that there is no need to be jealous if everything is okay in our relationship. Of course, I do still get jealous from time to time, but at least I have a way with dealing with it now.

January 19, 2007
10:45 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

taj,
I know that you are right here. I have done some outrageous things in my life. I am sure that I have not right to judge anyone.

The weird thing is that I think a lot of this came from my ex of 12 years; he made me feel bad about my past before him. I always felt judged and dirty in someway. I have become a person that I couldn't stand and left for the way I am acting now.

The manners thing I think comes from my mother. I think that my mom always wanted things to look good on the outside. We lived in a low income project housing area, but mom always wanted to pretend we didn't. Our home life was filled caious and I think that as long as mom could control manners and the way we dressed and grommed ourselves it was somehow ok. I get all worked up at dinner when he chews and talks at the same time, begins to eat before others are seated, isn't considerate of those around him.
Nothelpless, I can feel myself becoming more unattractive to him everytime I can't hold it in any longer and say something. I sound more like a parent than a partner.

He really is a nice guy, educated, grew up in a wealthy home just outside of New York.

Cary

January 19, 2007
10:52 am
Avatar
hurt831
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i feel the same way. i know him checkin out other people is normal... but i feel totally uncomfortable with him looking at other girls butts or boobs..i am insecure.. counseling has helped a bit..but still i get an upset stomach thinking about it!

January 19, 2007
12:49 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cary,

Sounds to me like you are already figuring alot of this stuff out on your own....making connections with your own history and your current situation etc...That is always helpful!

My partner does not always use grammer correctly and being a poet.....it sometimes drives me up a wall (makes me cringe inside sometimes)- but I look past it and would never bring it to his attention - afterall - there are probably things I do that he doesn't like either....and the bottom line is that he is a great person in many other respects.

I am thinking that perhaps what your relationship needs is clarification about the relationship itself. Have you agreed that it is to be a strictly managomous relationship? How long have you been together?

I agree with taj64's response on the 17th completly....(read my mind as I would have replied in a similar fashion.....) it's not so much on the jealousy itself (which is a normal emotion....) it is with the DEGREE of jealousy and whether or not it starts to become all-consuming which warrants a more in-depth, honest look at it - which seems to me - you are already doing.

TBT

January 19, 2007
12:51 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oooops! I mis-spelled grammar! How about that for comic relief heh heh 🙂

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
39
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110959
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714252
Newest Members:
charli55, SeaG1ant, shawncanwe, lianot, dagaf, duminy
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information