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When is okay to vent? When is it wrong?
August 31, 2006
11:42 pm
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Not talking about gossip here (I know that's sticky), but about expressing your feelings when something is affecting you.

Here's the issue: for 1/2 my life I barely spoke at all... very shy, very inhibited, repressed, etc. Introspective, yet at the same time not very self aware (probably due to immaturaty). Now I've grown out of that a lot, and through a lot of therapy and 12 steps I have learned to express anger, frustration, sadness, verbally. Now I have a problem because whenever I speak up, I feel guilty if that involves venting about someone else.

So when/how do you draw the line? Because no matter what someone has done, I don't feel good when I talk about how I feel about them. Is anyone else like this? I mean it impairs your judgement, because it could work in reverse- like sometimes maybe I could be saying something I shouldn't without knowing it because EVERYTHING seems wrong. Basically I'm a social idiot. It's like I feel bad no matter what I do when there is a conflict or uncomfortable situation.

I'm tired of feeling guilty, but tired of being a doormat when I am too soft.

Anyone else struggling with the guilt/doormat issue?

-ella

August 31, 2006
11:56 pm
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Shaney
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Hi ella - I haven't seen you for so long :o). My opinion... I think it's perfectly okay to say something that involves someone else, when you're perfectly okay with them knowing what you said about them. Did that make sense. I mean, as long as you're willing to say, to their face, whatever it is that you're saying "about" them, then there shouldn't be a problem. I truly believe that, and practice that same theory at work. Your opinion isn't gossip, if you can stand by it, while you're standing in front of the person that you're talking about. I feel like I'm talking in circles.... :o)

September 1, 2006
12:01 am
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Shaney,

Yeah, well, I know what you mean and I've always felt that way, but sometimes it's not so easy or simple. There are some people you can't really talk to for whatever reason. I don't know. Usually, I will say something to someone, but sometimes it's not appropriate.

I'm just having some trouble with office politics and I'm not sure when it's wrong for me to say how I feel about certain issues or not. I have a friend that I was talking to about somethings, and now I feel guilty that I told her anything... but in truth, no one would have understood and I was upset.

I don't know. I feel like a turd all the time anyway.

September 1, 2006
12:02 am
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pearlseeker
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I think it is healthy to vent as long as you do not harm anyone by doing so. Also, in conversation, when you vent, I think you should be respectful...

For example, a witness in a court trial is expected to stay "cool" and not rant and rave or lose control of their emotions...because then they are not taken seriously or considered credible.

HOwever, in a personal situation...I think you can be more emotional...just remember to try to be respectful. If you state the point in a calm rational way, you are more apt to be listened to.

At least that is what I think.

September 1, 2006
12:02 am
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pearlseeker
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I think it is healthy to vent as long as you do not harm anyone by doing so. Also, in conversation, when you vent, I think you should be respectful...

For example, a witness in a court trial is expected to stay "cool" and not rant and rave or lose control of their emotions...because then they are not taken seriously or considered credible.

HOwever, in a personal situation...I think you can be more emotional...just remember to try to be respectful. If you state the point in a calm rational way, you are more apt to be listened to.

At least that is what I think.

September 1, 2006
12:02 am
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pearlseeker
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I think it is healthy to vent as long as you do not harm anyone by doing so. Also, in conversation, when you vent, I think you should be respectful...

For example, a witness in a court trial is expected to stay "cool" and not rant and rave or lose control of their emotions...because then they are not taken seriously or considered credible.

HOwever, in a personal situation...I think you can be more emotional...just remember to try to be respectful. If you state the point in a calm rational way, you are more apt to be listened to.

At least that is what I think.

September 1, 2006
12:04 am
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Whoops!!!

Sorry! I did not mean to hit the button again!

September 1, 2006
12:18 am
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pearlseeker-

Actually, I wasn't talking TO the people I was upset with (two different instances) and part of what I was saying was that I thought it was my issue anyway. But I just guess it all comes back to want to be the nice girl all the time. Sometimes, worrying about being everyone's best friend is not the best thing for the situation, especially at work. Usually, I bend over backwards worrying about not offending people. But sometimes, it backfires when it conflicts with either my interests or the better interest of the workplace (or whatever).

One of the things that happened was that a brand new person to my job made a very minor negative comment to me about my department that implied that those I supervised were not doing their job. They are. She's new and still adjusting so she may not realize that THAT what's going on. Indirectly that's like saying I"M not doing MY job. No matter how diplomatically you put it that is the case.

She also had the audacity to report this to my boss who approached me about it and who, like I, did not see the problem. But I was a little bothered that she went to my boss. She's been at the job a matter of days. Also, I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of her. She's one of those people who seems to live a charmed life. My boss seems to think this woman will be with us only a short time, since she had some administrative job, my boss expects she'll be promoted. We have different specialties, and are not in competition, but it bugs me that we've been in the same feild for the same amount of time, she came from another place in the country, and may get ahead before my peers that have been here three times as long.

Anyway, she's a nice person, I"m just uncomfortable and was venting to a friend. About that, and had an issue when I was in charge with someone's work habits who breezes in late. Everyone else is taken to task for lateness and not he. So this happened and I mentioned to my boss that it frustated me when she was gone and I was in charge because I felt like he didn't even care or act like it and it was a pattern. I didn't feel it was my place to correct him, because I didn't know about how he was before the boss was away. But she says he always is like that. So am I crazy for feeling guilty for being purturbed by the same things that bug other people too? I shouldn't talk about it? Am I driving myself nuts for no reason?

-Ella

September 1, 2006
12:47 am
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Shaney
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Hey ella... we have so much of that same crap going on where I work too. I've been a supervisor for ten years there, and have seen they same "type" of superstar employees come and go. I've learned that there are only a chosen few, if any, that you can trust to "vent" to. Other than that, rest assured that if YOU'RE noticing that someone is acting up, others are seeing it, or WILL see it as well. Crap like that comes out in the wash, if you wait long enough. People like that, who seem to have it all together, burn themselves out. Unless you're put in a position to defend yourself against someone like this, save your energy. In fact, save it for those times that you may have to go head to head with them. Keep the ranting to a minimum unless it is around those you can completely trust (those people are few and far between). I know how frustrating it can be, but don't let the perceived glitz of the new girl rattle you. If she was as smart as SHE thinks she is, she wouldn't attempt to impose her ideas on management while seemingly putting another manager down, after only a few days of employment... very lame.

September 1, 2006
1:13 am
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Shaney,

Thanks, that is good advice. I probably made it sound worse than it is here... it's hard to explain without going into a lot of boring detail... but she is a nice person... I do believe a good deal of this is that MY issues are getting in this way. I'm being hypersensitive and feeling inadequate (as usual).

Some of what I'm feeling is also because this woman has the "ideal" life and comes along and is super sweet and doesn't appear to be phased by the stresses of the job... naturally I feel like the kids we work with (which are really my department) will like her better because I have had to be there and be more authoritative and disciplinary. Believe me, I'm no monster, but I don't know, some people just are perkier than others. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I feel like it's EASIER for some people in life to be "nice" (whatever that means, it could be completely a surface thing, but it makes a difference).

I'm just having a hard time lately. I don't want to lose the focus of the thread, because I need help with the issue I posted, but I'm a mess lately. I feel really crappy.

-ella

September 1, 2006
1:20 am
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i feel really small and ugly and wish that i had friends at home that didn't work where i work that i could vent to and that would be better... but i don't have anyone here and really i felt like crying at work until my other coworker made me feel a little better.

im so lonely

September 1, 2006
12:58 pm
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Shaney
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Ella honey !

I get what you're saying, I really do. I've always been a confident, authoritative type... never the one that someone would label as "sweet." I'm funny, and nice... but never sweet. I've actually TRIED to be sweeter at times, and it just wasn't me. I watch darling girls on tv like Kate Hudson and think that I would LOVE to have that sort of bouncy, smiley sweetness about me! So, I know what you mean. But you really need to believe in the qualities that you posess that people DO love about you. There has to be something about you that makes people like you. You sound like you're intelligent, honest, lots of integrity... all wonderful qualities. Truth be known, there are probably people out there that are envious of qualities that YOU have! I wouldn't be surprised. :o)

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