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When is it called moving on or plain old abandonement
September 11, 2009
1:03 am
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fantas
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I know that I'm sensitive to people leaving me and moving on but I think that this time I call this abandonment. I have two friends who were very close to me while they were in town. One is a girl and now that I look back, I realize that most of my friendship with her revolved around talking about her men drama. I let that happen in the name of friendship and being there for each other bla bla bla. The other one is a man and he too kept contact when he needed something but whenever I asked him to do something urgent for me he did.

The girl has now found a men and yes, she is busy now of course. The man is away and she wants to do stuff and I'm putting her off until I sort this out. The man is true to his form, calls when he wants something but really never to see how I'm. Neither does the girl. Except when she pings me when she sees me online.

Needless to say I'm feeling the abandonment and wondering if this is what I think it is or am I just being too sensitive? How do you guys handle it when friends you were close to move on with their lives?

September 11, 2009
7:27 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I think maybe you are being a little sensitive. People change and are at different stages in their lives. For example before I had a child a certain friend and I were very close. After I had a child we drifted apart, when I got a divorce she was shocked and disappointed and we drifted further apart. Now she has had a child and is considering a divorce. We are getting closer again.

Bitsy

September 11, 2009
11:45 am
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atalose
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fantas,

I think all of our relationships change once we begin to view them with healthier eyes.

I believe you are coming to the realization of a couple of user type friends. They come around only when THEY need or want something. And that can be ok if you are ok with that and have the ability to say no. It’s when we resent them for that when it’s no longer a healthy relationship to have in our lives.

Here’s an example: I have a very good friend but I hardly see her anymore let alone have time to talk at great lengths with her, our relationship has changed due to life. Her mother in law now lives with her, our children drive themselves now, she works part time and I work full time. We are there for each especially if one NEEDS something without any kind of resentment or feelings of abandonment.

Yet I had another friend who only took and used at her convenience it was always about her and never me and I resented her, I felt used and I no longer wanted to feel that way. I began to end my contact with her and like most users they move on to find someone else who allows that kind of behavior.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 11, 2009
1:23 pm
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_anonymous
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fantas- Part of my recovery was going from emeshed, addictive relationships with all of my energy being focused on one person to cultivating a lot of relationships. It is the infant in us that wants to have someone in our life who will meet all of our needs. That is something our parents were supposed to do for us. When they didnt we grow up feeling needy, empty, etc. In order to get healthier we need to take the responsiblity of having others making us happy to learning how to take care of ourselves. In reality nothing stays the same. It isnt compatable with life. A human constantly moves from one stage of development to the next. At one point a human physically grows at another they physically deteriorate. When a human stops growing the best they can hope for is to maintain their current status for as long as they can. A healthy person will adapt an unhealthy person will be in crisis. Its perfectly normal when a human is in an intimate relationship that becomes a priority. Usually a persons partner and or kids come first. With men they usually dont commit to someone unless sex is in the picture. If not they contact people if they have a problem and think the person can help them. Men are from Mars Women are From Venus book explains that fairly well.

September 11, 2009
2:48 pm
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fantas
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Thank you all for your feedback! Much appreciated. Yes, it's a thin line between moving on and abandonment but having read your posts, I think it's better for me to assume that these two have moved on for the better. It's more about them than me. I will try to fill these feeling with love and compassion for myself. Also, I'm going to work on attracting friends who are more even keel in their life as I'm trying to be so the changes aren't too drastic. I have to admit it does feel sad and lonely and creates in me a need for my own family. Perhaps I will start with a pet of some sort. Maybe I need to commit to something instead of wanting others to commit to me.

September 11, 2009
3:38 pm
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Fantas, my daughter begged for 3 years for a dog. I kept telling her no. Last October I posted Bitsy's Bringing Home a Puppy. He is the joy of my life. I love my daughter with my whole heart, she is after all my child. Baby Boy Dog on the other hand just adores me unconditionally. He hangs out with me all day, we go for walks. I tell everyone he is the "man" in my life. He is short, dark, and handsome, and enjoys long walks and naps

Bitsy

September 11, 2009
3:39 pm
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fantas- I learned to build my own "team", "family", "support system". Relationships take years to cultivate. I usually start out with light contact. Brief, short positive encounters and see where it goes. Animals have kept me well grounded. I have had a pony for years who lives between my friend from school and I. We enjoy talking about her especially now that she is having a baby. When we get together we horse back ride something we have enjoyed since we were 12.

My dog is adorable. My son takes her to his room at night makes him feel safe. He really cares about her.

When you get healthy, happy and develop passion for life, healthy people will be attracted to you.

September 15, 2009
1:18 pm
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Lanigirl
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Fantas,

Finding that balance in friendships is tricky. I'm trying to figure those issues you mentioned for myself. What I'm focusing on is does the relationship work for me and if it doesn't, not to get all worked up about it.

I agree with Bitsy, dogs are awesome. I got a dog last October and she's been a great addition. She makes me more social. I started to take her to a dog park and I've met some nice people there. She is definitely family and has brought a lot of joy.

September 17, 2009
4:58 pm
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beginagain
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hiya!! I used to feel really abandoned when my friends moved on and then after I was really alone when I was with my partner I suddenly realised I still had myself and suddenly started making friends who were able to give and take - when they moved on in their lives I was able to think of how much they had added to my life and was just happy they were ok. Still keep in touch now and then but I realise we have just moved in different directions. I had to learn how to let go and also to cut out those who were just using me when it suited them - socialising more helped me to appreciate company but realise the difference between good company and good friends.

September 18, 2009
9:45 am
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fantas
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Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of my friends who is "moving on" to a relationship and it was really nice to hear myself admit that I was feeling sad about it but I was happy she had found someone. She really needed to find someone to be able to function in her world. Obviously she has work to do on that one, but that's her journey to travel. Now she is able to focus on the things she was wanting to focus on and this is good for her. How can I begrudge her that? I wouldn't be much of a friends then.

I'm really working on nursing myself and giving to myself what I need instead of wanting others to do it. I have a hard time striking this balance, because I tend to not trust people fully for fear of being abandoned and it seems like I manifest what I fear. I'm learning a lot about myself. I need to be okay with me. The world isn't isn't revolving around me, although I have a hard time imagining where else it would be revolving LOL...

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Much appreciated!

September 20, 2009
9:43 am
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Lanigirl
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Begin,

Thanks for sharing. The place you've reached is great.

Fantas,

I'm so glad you had that conversation with your friend. It sounds like it helped you think it through. I really want to keep that in mind that it's not abandonment but that the friend is working through things themselves.

September 22, 2009
1:13 am
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fantas
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Lanigirl, Thank you. It helped me to talk to her. Hearing myself express my needs, something I never did before, made me realize I have grown a lot.

I have also been thinking that this particular thing, people moving on as soon as something better comes along, is my last frontier in terms of self abuse and self care. Almost all of the people I call friends with the exception one are people I played the comforter, nurturer, sympathizer, with from the first day. Needless to say, when their need for this aspect of the friendship passes, the friendship has no other foundation.

I always had long distance relationships, with men, that broke up almost as soon as we were in the same city. My friends are my version of this. They are too needy and overwhelmed in their own drama that I never have to make myself vulnerable to them. I aim too low and I set myself up for heartbreaks, which leads down that low self esteem, self doubt, self judging, road just like I would with my male relationships.

This week I have found myself feeling able to accept a relationship of equal contribution especially at the emotional level. I'm taking a close and honest look at my friends and deciding how I should proceed forward. Perhaps I should start to ask that they meet my needs. Any idea how to go about this? What have you done to uplift your relationships?

Thank you for reading and I'm looking forward to reading what you write!

September 22, 2009
3:07 am
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freedom_calling
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Lani-I like what you said 'not get all worked up about it.'
I find it easy to overreact because I am in the beginning stages of looking at my friendships and evaluating if they are working or not.

fantas, I too am trying to nurture myself and give myself what I need vs waiting for others to reciprocate.
Sometimes I get so angry!

I have found that as I ask for friends to meet my needs, they disappear anyways.......so maybe they get weeded out by natural selection of some kind.
As I grow, they just fall away naturally because they are not in the same place as I am.
Not good or bad,just different.

It's still feels like a loss though.
I am having difficulty with this too.
My new mantra: TRY LESS, ACCEPT MORE.

thanks for sharing.

September 23, 2009
1:13 pm
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Fantas,

You have done some serious processing.

I love what Freedom said about giving to yourself what you need vs. waiting for others to reciprocate. That has been my big problem with relationships = I'm looking to them to fill my needs.

So here's what I'm working on.

I have told a couple of friends that I don't want to do all of the calling and they have responded by calling more. I'm also not answering multiple calls from a couple of friends.

I have also had the pattern of allowing other people to do all of the talking. So now I'm taking time in the conversation whereas before I was simply the listener.

I've let some people go, especially the users.

I'm viewing my friendships differently. They are there for fun and reciprocal listening. But in no way do I need to solve problems, lend money, etc.

When I have an issue, I'm taking a moment to see if it's appropriate to share or not.

Let me know what ideas you have so I can add to what I'm working on. Freedom, any other ideas?

September 23, 2009
2:50 pm
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fantas
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((((Freedom and Lani)))),

Thank you so much for your responses and especially the suggestions. I too find myself doing all the listening and caring. One particular girl I`m thinking of always says, how she would love to do what I ask but she has so many things to do. Yet, when her concerts and things come up, she is the first to send texts, emails, etc. asking for support. I now feel okay to say no or even not respond at all.

I will think more about these ideas and see how I can apply them.

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