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When he thinks of me as cheap
June 21, 2006
7:10 pm
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parfume2006
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I need some help to understand what is happening....... someone to look on from the outside. I am in a relationship, or should i say WAS in a relationship with a guy. I was thinking of moving city to live with him after getting married, but i wasn't really sure as we have had a rocky past, even though things were getting better. I would be leaving family, friends, a great paying job, to go to this other place. It bothers me a bit, but i was willing to do so.

Anyway recently i raised the topic of how could we live financially on my partners 1 salary (as i wouldn't have a job at the start). I was saying fianancial security is important to me. I have it now, but i feel moving to live with him and getting married wouldn't be so good. But i was willing to sacrifice my current life so we could be together.

The thing is we are talking essentials here.... in otherwords his salary was to barely cover expenses (and he is bad at saving, and gets into debt).

I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting financial security. Anyway i tried to open my heart and share my fears and deep feelings with him. I said "maybe i seek financial security from you as i dont feel i have emotional security". (by emotional security i felt he wasn't guaranteeing to support me emotionally or stop insulting me or hurting me).... so i cant deal with too much stress.

His response was to say "this is cheap". What i am doing is cheap. Like i am only marrying someone for money even if i dont love them. Then he says i should marry a doctor then if i only want to marry someone for money.

This really hurt. Even though he abused me in the past, i tried to forgive him and create a future. I dont need to marry a doctor..... i can support myself. I was giving up all my financial stability to be with him. Yet he claims how i behave is cheap.

This broke my heart. I cried so much last night. He abused me a lot in the past, but i thought it was finally over. Why would a person say such a thing. I know it comes from him feeling insecure about not being maybe able to provide for me as well as i am used to..... but i wasn't worried about that as i know it would only be temporary. I just raised the topic as general discussion.

It broke my heart. I really do feel cheap right now. If the person i know the most, could say such things about me..... i don't know. Sorry i just dont know what to say 🙁

June 21, 2006
7:12 pm
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parfume2006
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By the way, i did love him & want to be with him. I wasn't just after his money. Infact if thats the case, im better off alone as my job would leave me a lot more well off.

And by the way, i dont rub that in his face. Infact he thinks i earn less than him.

June 21, 2006
7:23 pm
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Anonymous
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parfume,

what you were trying to say was not CHEAP - you have VALID concerns.

his reaction was probably based on his feeling of self worth - that he isn't making enough money to support the two of you - and by you pointing it out - he felt bad about himself, and in turn, lashed out at you. Immature and disrespectful.

My BF was going to move in with me....and the financial issues were similar....and the move was put off many times because of finances....I certainly wasn't going to support him....and he was struggling with changing jobs.

I would suggest that IF YOU LOVE HIM, and IF you TRULY want to be with him......(I say this in caps, because of the abuse issues, you should really think hard about it)....then perhaps you should take the angle "honey, lets discuss how we can make my move work in a way that won't put a financial strain on you"....in other words, saying, I want to move, but I don't want to burden you.....perhaps he will say "don't worry about it, just move" or perhaps he will help you find a job, or perhaps you can work out a budget together, or perhaps you can figure out how much you can/should save in order to have some money when you move or something....show you want to work as a team, not dump the burden of supporting you on him....he may be scared of that responsibility and fear he can't support you.

perhaps you can work on saving yourself or looking for work before you move.

BUT -

the underlying issue is - is this REALLY about money and having no job when you move? or is it really about something BIGGER? like his financial responsibility or the abuse????? or lack of emotional security?

I would think twice about moving right now....and look at the overall stability of the relationship and if he is really worth taking such huge risks for....what will you get in return??? that's not for you to ask him, it's for you to ask yourself.

June 21, 2006
8:00 pm
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parfume2006
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Thanks alicat. This was what i tried to bring up with him. I think it has very little to do with finances, and more how he treats me. I waited many years for him to get a proper job so we could get together (he was quite lazy and bad with finances and always getting into debt). Meanwhile i worked hard to build a career. I guess i resent the thought of giving up everything i worked hard for, all for a person who doesn't respect or treat me well sometimes.

The only reason i consider continuing this relationship with him was because he promised to change, and truely has got better in some ways.

I guess for me it was never enough though..... meaning "less" abuse is still abuse, and i don't want that in a relationship.

I feel like i would be giving up EVERYTHING and i feel as though as soon as i do that everything will fall apart.

Then it will be like "why did i bother. Why did i give up everything, for nothing in return".

He does support me emotionally, but he things thats enough. So when i say "you dont support me in other ways - ie insulting a person isn't support"....... he just says "if u cant see what i do for you, then i dont want to be with u"

The weird thing is, whenever i say "fine, this is me, if u dont want to be with me, dont"....... he always comes back and says "sorry, lets work at things".

I am beginning to think "why". If he thinks so bad of me, why would i want to work at this?

June 21, 2006
10:43 pm
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CAMER
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you are not cheap!!! he is just not good with his words!!!

I have been there done that, when men "expect" you to pay for things, when they don't work as much as they can, and try to take away from you, knowing you have money.

I know the feeling, i have a great paying job, and all i want is a financially stable guy like me!!! not someone who doesn't like to work and make the best of there working life.

HHMMMMM, maybe we should choose better parnters, instead of partners who call us names just to make themselves feel better!

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