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When he laughs at you
February 13, 2001
3:23 am
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elena
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I called my fiancee up this morning to let him know how upset I was at him last night. I commented on how addictive I find chocolate and he replied that eating all that junk food prohibits me from losing the weight I always say I want to lose (Iam 5'8" and 160lb). Having been raised hearing from my family how large my butt was- I told him I hate people alluding to my weight- he then said he did not "like to see me eat junk food"- which got me really angry- he said he was tired and proceeded to go to sleep leaving me terribly upset. I called him up this morning to tell him how upsetting this was- I actually heard him yawn!!!! and laughed at me for being upset- I called him on it and said he was at work and "what was he going to do? Cry?". I was calling to apologize for my getting angry and why that was a sensitive topic for me and that is what I got! So I said I had to go to work and expected a call this evening with an apology and NOTHING! I decided since I always want to talk thing over, he just withdraws so best to not call at all- but what should I do when he does call! He thinks I always overreact but to yawn at what I say and laugh over the phone and even fall asleep after he knew I was upset? I just read "Dance of Anger" and I am definitely the overperformer and he underperforms and withdraws- but how could he be so cruel! I really don't think I want to be with him- so horrible! He might call and act like I am just overreacting. What do I do?
elh

February 13, 2001
3:26 am
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elena
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OOOPs....Well, I was expecting him to call, I did not TELL him I was expecting his call.
elh

February 13, 2001
2:56 pm
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Cici
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Wellllll, I don't want to offend you but...laughter is the absolute best way to deal with stressful situations. It's highly undervalued in America, and that's why we tend to have astronomically high levels of depression and anxiety related mood disorders.

I can really sympathize with your problem. When I was younger I was very sensitive about everything. I got angry easily and offended even more easily, and it started to seem like everything was making me upset.

I had a lot of stressful things to deal with at that point, and being so sensitive it was a hellish time. But I realized that my own sensitivity was really impinging on my quality of life and I decided to toughen up. Granted, it wasn't a 1-2-3 kind of thing, it took me a few years and a lot of hell, from drug addiction to chronic illness. You know, when you get sick and have to go in and out of the hospital you have to get used to being objectified - after an anal exam, you can't really be embarrassed about anything, especially your butt! ha ha ha...

I know I'm blabing, but here's the thing: the only thing a person ever truely owns in this world is the attitude which they take in any given situation. Read it. KNOW IT!

So...obviously your fiancee has no problem with you, being that he asked you to marry him! Reading too much into comments like his can really be you hurting yourself. We all got teased as children, some more than others. I know I was pretty trashed by everyone when I was in elementary and middle school, I was a wreck then - very depressed.

But you know, what the heck. Life is like that, people are insensitive to others and say hurtful things. You can't stop that from happening, since you can't control people's minds! You can control how you react to them. And yourself. Being able to laugh at yourself and turn a barbed compliment into a joke is a great tool, you ease the situation and make yourself feel better.

February 13, 2001
6:38 pm
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Molly
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Ever been in a situation like this where it is reversed. You are calm cool and collected, and a crazy angry person calls you, yelling crying screaming, blaming. Especially if you are caught off guard, and in a good mood, its hard to be sympathetic, and not patronizing. We women can be such drama queens at times, and then we wonder in the midst of our tantrum why, still crying, no one ever takes us seriously. Or, what about that damn remark, Oh, it must be that time of the month, doesn't that just kill you? When he does call toss him off tract by forgetting the whole thing, if he does ask, play stupid, ugh, what are you talking about, pretend to be a man. Now laugh your self, Cici is right. And excuse me but I am 5'8 and about ok, more that 160lbs ok, sooner or later to be less, when I am damn good and ready.

February 13, 2001
8:51 pm
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pg lova
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Elena,

Don't turn your back on your fiance, he loves you. Take it from me, I'm a guy and guys have trouble showing their sensitive sides. When my girlfriend and I have a fight, I act like it doesn't bother me in front of her. But inside it eats me up. He's probably looking for something to say to you without having to say the words "I'm sorry." I'm not justifying him, because he was wrong, but I'm just trying to help you understand the mind frame of a guy. He knows he's wrong and will eventually own up to it. Until then, just tell him that you're not talking to him. That will really shake him (it shook me when I argued w/ my girlfriend). That led me to say that I was sorry because a guy can't take it when his girl is mad at him.

God Bless U,
PG Lova

February 13, 2001
8:51 pm
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pg lova
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Elena,

Don't turn your back on your fiance, he loves you. Take it from me, I'm a guy and guys have trouble showing their sensitive sides. When my girlfriend and I have a fight, I act like it doesn't bother me in front of her. But inside it eats me up. He's probably looking for something to say to you without having to say the words "I'm sorry." I'm not justifying him, because he was wrong, but I'm just trying to help you understand the mind frame of a guy. He knows he's wrong and will eventually own up to it. Until then, just tell him that you're not talking to him. That will really shake him (it shook me when I argued w/ my girlfriend). That led me to say that I was sorry because a guy can't take it when his girl is mad at him.

God Bless U,
PG Lova

February 13, 2001
11:51 pm
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elena
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Well.... I expected different reactions- that is funny- it is hard to see it from the other side. Well, we were living together when we got engaged (not by my choice but his family and such) and he moved out a few weeks ago. He said if he had to describe me in one word it would be "angry"- I was so hurt I could not wear the ring and when he saw that he moved out. We were going to seek counseling to find how to resolve issues or if we could- which I think we could- but when he moved out I lost my insurance and have to get one and he hasn't looked into it yet. Since this happened I am afraid of calling him and nagging him, so I took something to help me fall asleep and not call him. I don't know if he will call. I think I am going to the movies after work tomorrow so I won't be home Valentine's day. So I think that the fact that I was upset reinforces his point that I am just an angry person and better be away from me. So he won't call and there will be nothing to work out with him- I have my problems and he has them too but oh well......I guess I am just whining. It is not like I have a brain tumor or something- it just sucks being sad and upset and not wanting to be around. It will pass- he just won't call. But thanks for the advice - personally I don't think he loves me. Why do something that you know is hurting someone's feelings because you are telling him so?
elena

February 14, 2001
12:47 am
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counslr336
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Elena,apart from the other negative stuff that you have on your thread, I read where you are in some form of recovery from this unfortunate incident in your life.First of all, it sounds like you are still dependendent on him for things like the insurance. About your anger, does it keep you from having other friends? If it does not , do not think that him not calling is a rienforcment of him labeling you as ANGRY.Going to the movies is another good move on your part. But go because it is your choice and not for the sole reason to not be home on valentines day.Are you afriad he might call? Your thinking that this is nothing to worry about and that it will pass will help you in this matter. Hope that every thing goes well for you.

February 14, 2001
10:17 am
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Cici
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elena, I think you missed the point in a lot of these posts here...no one is judging you, or saying tha tyou are a bad person. But there are definatley better ways of dealing with stressufl situations or conflict. We all know that when you are angry or upset, you don't tend to be very raitonal (not you inparticular, but every one).

So, when you're not rational, you can't really do anything that is proactive in resolving the situation. So anger and hurt feelings don't do anything but make you feel miserable (I'm sure you know that that isn't how anyone wants to be!). Anger is like squirting lighter fluid on the fire.

My fiancee and I used to argue about stupid little things. Partly because I had latent anger at my father for his passivity, partly because I was isnecure and didn't trust men very much...but the thing that really got in the way was that I didn't want to work at any insight into my sensitivity and anger. I thought that my feelings were valid and should just be accepted as such.

My supervisor at my counselling internship told me that the wise psychologist uses their techniques in ALL interpersonal interactions. I think that that is great advice. Once I said, what my partner does is his responsibility, all I can control is myself, my life became so much brighter and our relationship became 200% better.

What I'm saying is that your feelings are only valid if you know them. That means knowing triggers, knowing past experiences that color your judgement and knowing that the best thing to do with your partner when you have conflict is to try to DO something, try to solve the problem, not just get angry and offended.

You can't go around saying, He doesn't love me. Talk to him.

Also, there are a lot of free counselling services for couples. Most of them are conducted through churches, but they aren't necessarily faith-based. My fiancee and I have to go through pre-marital counselling because in FL they give you a discount on your marriage license. Also, we have to do it because his minister is doing the ceremony (he's presbyterian - I don't know how to spell it). I don't really have a religion, but the counselling we've gone to was just straight-up counselling. We did an inventory of like 120 questions, which was evaluated by an independent agency. They sent us the results, which are supposed to tell us the weak areas in our relationship, and the minister helps us address those issues in a non-confrontational, proactive manner.

Please listen to what is posted here - no one means to hurt your feelings, only to help you because this seems to be hurting your quality of life!

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