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When does venting become whining?
July 15, 2005
9:11 pm
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I C Gold
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So many of the books, therapists, etc..tell us to vent all of our feelings and it DOES make you feel better but when is enough enough?
I mean when do you have to tell yourself to stop beating yourself up and vent in a positive way-not rehashing the old, lost and poor dead horse that used to be your relationship and or marriage.

HOW DO YOU VENT IN A POSTIVE WAY AND ACTUALLY ACHIEVE SOME POSITIVE GAIN...instead of just more heartache??
My low points are when I see in my mind my X and his new "lady" doing all the things WE used to do. It makes me physically ill and upsets me very badly. It's so hard to get over a break-up you didn't ask for because it causes such a dramatic and sudden change on ALL the habits and lifestyles you've grown accustomed to....I feel like the world has been pulled right out from under me.
But have made myself a promise to NOT get into a relationship until I can "fix" myself as best I can and love me like I want to be loved. IF that 30 years then so be it...

July 15, 2005
10:58 pm
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Anonymous
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IC: I think you will know when enough is enough. Venting is a part of your healing. Some days you'll need to do it and others you won't. I say, listen to yourself, don't be too hard on yourself when you are having a bad day. It's all part of the process. We all know what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under us. So it takes time to love yourself back to a place where you can begin moving forward again. Feel it, as needed, so you can push through it. Then, as time passes, you will notice less "venting". And you are VERY WISE to work on yourself first, before looking for a new relationship! You'll be so glad you did!

July 16, 2005
12:24 am
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22haha
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I C Gold,
I agree with plzdon't. I think if you are still venting a lot that means that you still have a lot of healing to do. I think that when you become happier with yourself and your life you will not think as much about this relationship and therefore it won't cause you to vent as much. I don't think that talking about your situation is ever whining. Besides, when you a relationship doesn't work out it really hurts. Keep positive and hopefully soon you will find comfort in yourself and then can move on to dating someone new. That is the best thing to do.

July 18, 2005
8:02 am
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kc30
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Wow, can I relate to this one! I was happily married then BOOM…it was over…affair, drinking, lying…the whole package. I loved my life and my husband and I just wanted my family back together. It took me a very long time to get back on my feet. Initally, I didn’t even vent…I kept it inside and wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. Then, I just cried constantly and asked why why why? That lasted about 3 or 4 months….then I got MAD! That’s when it was venting. That lasted another…well, a very long time! Then I went back to why why why?

I turned a corner about 1.5 months ago…venting to a friend and saying the same thing I had been saying for about 3 months…knowing there were no answers available. She said to me, very kindly “I don’t know why you keep doing this to yourself” and those words really hit home. It had been 18 months since he started the affair, and I was still crying over it. The damage was already done…I have already filed for divorce, I don’t want him back, I know what is mine to work on now and I know I need to let go for peace and closure. I also know that the affair can’t hurt me anymore if I learn to look at things differently. So I just gave up…feeling mad, angry, hurt, resentful, jealous…all of it. It’s a process but I’m working it.

But if he does something off the wall…and pisses me off, I will still vent about it. You need to get that crap out, you know?

It sounds like it’s early and you are still in an incredible amount of pain. My suggestion- give yourself a good year to work through the hurt, pain, anger etc. If you don’t deal with it, it will come back forever. Don’t expect yourself to be ok with things right now…it’s way too soon. Don’t worry about whining…it’s not whining to need to talk through your feelings. That’s healthy! I think it’s only when you already know the answers but you refuse to accept them that it gets unhealthy and self-destructive. But for me, I needed to talk talk talk talk talk talk talk until I could finally get there. As I said….it’s been a long time. Good friends never get tired of you talking, especially when they understand how helpful it is.

You can always post here! I would listen anytime because I have been there and I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, especially when there is another woman involved. And time does heal, but it moves so damn slowly.

Lots of love
kc

July 18, 2005
3:02 pm
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kathygy
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I think it sounds like whinning if someone is playing a victim role and expect other people to fix them instead of taking responsibility for their own life and actions. I can't say I've read many posts here that sounded like whinning. Maybe one or two.

July 19, 2005
11:11 pm
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Thanks Kc30, It helps when you can talk to someone who's been "there"..
Just found out today that he had the other woman sleep over at his house last Sat night and when he came and got our daughter Sunday morning, she was STILL there!!! My daughter is only 7 and he's told her not to talk to Mama about "B" because it"makes her sad"....can you believe that! I don't care what he does in his private time but to still have her there just makes me SO angry...So I sat down and vented in my notebook. 6 pages later I felt so much better and had a different outlook. Before that I had called and left him a message and was almost crying because it hurt so bad...Afterwards, I'm a little better and feel a bit stronger.
It's been over a month since he's asked me, we've settled all the major issues necessary for a divorce, hell I even gave him some of the money due him from his part of the house so he could file and he STILL hasn't filed yet?????What the hell is he waiting on?

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