Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
When did I become so scared of people (loverbee)
October 18, 2006
2:30 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been the socialite for the first 18 years of my life. It has always been fun and exciting and for the last 6 years it hasn't been and still isn't. I have developed serious trust issues because of several things that happened and I can't seem to crack my shell. I won't let anyone in and I know that and I am frustrated but I am literally suffocated by my fear. It is with my family, friends that I have tried to make, even my bf. I feel like my head and thoughts are unlike anyone elses in the worlds and I don't even understand myself half the time so how am I supposed to be understood by others. It seems like such an easy thing right, just work through the fear. I am paralyzed by it though. I can't let go of getting burned by my friends and my father and sister, and now I am lonely because no one ever really gets to see the real me. My bf tries soo hard to bring me back and every time he gets a glimpse, it scares me and I cave into my shell again. Will it ever end? What do I need to do to make real friends again? How do I over come this?

October 18, 2006
2:48 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Could anyone please talk to me about this.

October 18, 2006
2:58 pm
Avatar
Honolulugal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi loverbee,

Well, the issue here is trust. Why do you feel so guilty or bad about this? Ever hear the expression "once burned, twice shy"? Well, it's true.

For me, personally, it takes a LOT to gain my trust, because once you have it, you have it for life. Burn me, and you're O-U-T. I try to forgive, but never forget.

As much as we all think we have different thoughts than anyone else in the world, we have more in common than you think. That's why this board is so valuable. The sharing of thoughts and feelings is key.

It might help to remember the expression "you're unique...just like everyone else". It seems like a trite saying, but if you think about it, it has a number of meanings.

Sorry if this is no help to you. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're very young. Let people EARN your trust. It's a privilege, NOT a right.

October 18, 2006
3:20 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The problem here is that I never give anyone the opportunity to earn my trust. It is like I choke up and runaway every time. I am about to graduate from college in may and all I can think about is how terrified I am to get started in my new life. Its like I am afraid I am never going to make a real friend ever again. I feel like I am losing my best friend every time I get scared because it has such an impact on my bf and my relationship. Its like I can never ask for help because I am convinced I can't be helped and then the cycle repeats itself so that I burst into tears but can't get anything out that i am thinking because I am afraid of pushing him away and then I end up doing it. I have not spoken to my father in 6 years and I am afraid he has scarred me for life. My sister changed so much while she was in college that I feel like I don't even know her. She has become so judgemental and a ms. Know it all overnight and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the sister and best friend I once had. When Will it be ok to trust again and how do I overcome this?

October 18, 2006
4:01 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Loverbee,

Have you read any codependency books?

You say you father may have scarred you for life?

What I am asking is that you start talking about what has happened in your life to make you feel this way now. Take your time, but know that there are many people on this site who have been through similiar situations and are recovering from those situations. Some of us were abused badily, physically, sexually, emotionally, and mentally, and are co dependent.. I, for one, have MAJOR trust issues. And didn't even realize that I could get into other co dependent relationship that didn't involve sexual or physical abuse. Just keep reading the threads on the site..do not feel like you may not "belong", or that everyone else knows eachother which could make you feel like an "outsider" There are wonderful people on this site..non-judgemental, loving, kind, caring and very helpful. That is because they are on the outside looking in at what we can not see for ourselves.
They will give advice, not tell you what to do unless there is an immenient danger to you, and give you titles of books to help, other website addresses, give you encouragement, and lots and lots of caring, understanding, and love.

When you are ready, just open up. We all will listen and try to help.

Red

October 18, 2006
5:45 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok, so maybe I should explain my situation with my father. When I was three, I lived with my alchoholic schitzophrenic mother. I was raped analy and then finally after the hospital visit my father gained custody of me. I lived with him and he was a great dad. He then began to develop a very controlling method of disciplining me and my sister. It happened right after he left the family business because of a falling out with his father and brothers. He changed. It was sad because around 9, I began to look at my dad as scary. He would yell all the time and tell me I was not smart enough to ever amount to anything more than a macdonalds clerk. He barely talked to me except to tell me I was a disappointment and one day it reached the point that he looked at me and said "you aren't a disappointment, you are a mistake. THe worst mistake I ever made." So that stuck with me obviously because kids are very prone to internallizing things. I entered sixth grade and my father went even more nuts. He grounded me every week and I spent the entire year grounded, He would ground me for things like leaving a shirt on my bed after it had been made. Getting up at night because I suffered from insomnia, not doing my laundry everyday or "talking back to him" which actually meant just telling him I didn't know why I acted like such a delinquent and I was sorry. But in reality, I was home by every curfew and never touched a drug or a drink. I was involved in theater and stage crew and had lots of friends all of whom were straight edge. It slowly got worse and worse and I suffered from severe depression. I began to cut regularly and tried to commit suicide three times. Finally my father decided to send me away to a theraputic boarding school. I made the best of my friends that I have ever had and discovered myself a lot. Went through workshops and loved every minute I was away from him. I had previously been the best of friends with my sister before the school and when she decided she was in love for the first time to a very nice guy and also when she decided to go to college, my father disowned her saying that by going to college she was abandoning her family. So I was no longer allowed to speak to her or see her. That was devastating for me. When I graduated from highschool, I stayed home and got a job. I was quite successful and decided I would try to take one class at the local college. I met a boy at the boarding school who became my best friend and boyfriend and we began dating (he moved to my town for the summer to be with me) and he was a very upscale guy from NY who was going to brown in the fall. Then, My father one day told me that I was a whore, I had to stop school and quit my job and stop seeing my bf (who i am still with after six years) or I too was abandoning my family. Meanwhile I had been living in my fathers apartment where I did not have a room or anything. he gave me one drawer in my brothers room and said I was not allowed to touch any of the stuffed animals on the top bunk where I was to sleep. Mind you there is a seven year difference between my brother. So he disowned me and put all my belongings in the parking lot in garbage bags. This may sound insane but this is really what happened. It is thought by my therapist that he has borderline personality disorder and now has no friends except his wife and my brother and has stopped speaking to every member of his family and my stepmothers family. This was devastating for several reasons. When I got out of his grasp, I called my sister for the first time. we met after four years and it was a very emotional reunion but now I have discovered she is a totally different person than the sister I used to know and has been hardened and cold and sad by what my father did to her and I feel as though I never had a chance to say the proper goodbye to her. I have struggled with codependency but have really overcome most of it now that I am seeing a therapist weekly. My relationships are much healthier but I feel as though there are pieces of me that I still will not alllow anyone to see which makes it hard for me to let anyone in. I vowed that I would never be abandoned again and now I feel as though I have made it very difficult to let people in. So that is the jist of it.

October 18, 2006
7:11 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow that was a long thread. sorry but bumpity bump.

October 18, 2006
8:40 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Still need some feedback and advice so I will continue to bump this up and whoever has time can read it.

October 18, 2006
9:49 pm
Avatar
Honolulugal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is this classic fear of abandonment? Ma Strong, are you out there? Your thoughts?

October 18, 2006
10:15 pm
Avatar
loverbee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think it probably is classic fear of abandonment. I feel so scared that people are going to leave me all the time and forget all about me so I push people away to make sure it doesn't happen. But even through counseling I have been having a hard time getting over it.

October 19, 2006
9:42 am
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I had major trust issues and always was the doormat. Through my therapy, CODA meetings, journaling etc., I have found that all the energy your putting into trying to trust is a waste of emotional let downs. I have turned it around and it takes almost no energy to let the trust be there and then if somebody crosses your boundary, lies to you etc., then you have the power to not deal with them and move on. Your just getting rid of the toxic and keeping the good. There might be times where everybody crosses your line, however, your just going to filter out the bad and continue with the good. Its very hard to do, but once you have changed your way to where your comfortable on trust, life is so less stressful. Control issues and trust issues were my biggest concerns. Now, I have worked them and found out that the only person I can control is ME.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
55 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 110882

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38534

Posts: 714189

Newest Members:

SpencerJeole, Danielnit, matyushaDazy, mashuraDazy, nancykr16, kimzn11

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer