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When continuing dosnt make sence...
February 18, 2005
6:19 pm
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cuthul
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This is strange, becasue I am not irrational, or overly upset or anything. I am very calm.

I am having difficulties thinking of reasons to continue, really the only thing that rationally makes sence is a continued battle for my son's custody. It is unlikely I will win however due to my gender, and I have no doubts her mother will continue with her irrational, delusional behaviour, drugging my son and forcing me out of his life. I am reduced to a piggy bank to support her deadbeat husband and thier children.

I recently had the love of my life walk out. I am not healing, but getting worse. I guess emotionally I was more monogomous than I ever thought, and I am not able to come close to even attempting any sort of emotional interaction now.

I put my career on hold to take care of my son. I cant really go back to it. I used to make six figures and now make 1/3 of what I used to in a very unrewarding, unchallenging position.

I have never been overly close to my family, it being very dysfunctional.

I have never, really, wanted to be here. I am trying to find reasons to remain, but I keep going back to other alternatives, and its really not a scary concept to me. I simply, have nothing this lifetime that I want. Being alone, unable to love, unable to be a father and powerless to protect him from a unstable mother, unrewarding career.

Have any of you been here?

This, sincerely, isnt a cry for help. I am trying to get alternative points of view is all.

February 18, 2005
10:09 pm
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lostinkfo
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Cuthul,

I don't know when you wrote this but you have me quite concerned. I too have been to this point in my life but am very glad that I reconsidered. I can not tell you how much each new day brings me happiness when I see the beautiful sun rise or the sunset..I have a whole new life now than I did when I was thinking like you...I am going to school fulltime and learning a new profession...Remember that tomorrow is a whole new day and a whole new beginning...You are in my thoughts...

February 19, 2005
6:19 am
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cuthul
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Thats just it, I have already made myself. I brought myself up out of a white trash, dysfunctional family. I did it. I just dosnt matter, in the end. (aint that a song?)

I am not doing anything in the immeadeate future, but longer term, I am makeing arrangements.

What do you do when the next sunrise isnt enough. When you jsut, genuinely, dont want to play anymore? I am done with hope, so what else is there besides that?

February 19, 2005
9:41 am
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GullyFoyle
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I started a post to your thread here, but something took hold and I felt it was best to move it to my thread.

Continuing does make sense! You want to be there when your boy is married, for the birth of your grandchildren, to support and love them. you have to make it so they can.

Who the fuck cares how much money you make. If your clothes are old and worn.I have met "poor white trash" with more honor and dignity the bluest of bloods. Fuck that shit, man. We are and will be needed. If only by the fact that we survived this shit.

Love and Peace.

Gully

February 19, 2005
10:19 pm
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lostinkfo
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I guess what it all depends on is what makes "you" happy...I have been so down that nothing seemed to matter before and I also have been too poor to even buy bread...I don't know what can make you happy or what will make "Your" sunrise brighten your face but it sounds as if you have a lot going for you...You have a job, you have a child and a lot more going for you than a lot of people do...Maybe all the changes in your life lately is like culture shock...take each day, breathe in and out...and start counting your blessings...

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