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When boyfriend's daughter is being difficult
August 3, 2007
2:32 pm
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Lisa Ann
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I'm curious as to people's thoughts and opinions as to how to handle this situation - or how did you handle a situation like this.

My boyfriend and I have gotten back together and are extremely happy. He has one daughter that is upset about us getting back together. She has made the comment (which I found out through a very reliable source) that she needs her own "healing time" before she talks to us about it - especially me, so she doesn't go off on me. Well, needless to say, this is very frustrating and causing me a bit of anxiety. I'm not happy about the situation - the biggest problem is that my boyfriend has talked to his daughters about what is going on, and they only see one side. Not only that, they do not understand what it's like to suffer from alcoholism and co-dependency. I'm working very hard in my recovery programs and things with my boyfriend are great. He is very understanding and working very hard with me in both of my programs. So, I guess the biggest problem is that I do not want to be involved in any family activities on his side of the family because I do not want to be around her. Not only that, he has a sister who is an alcoholic and loves to cause trouble. In fact, one night when she was drunk, she was telling me how I only wanted to be with her brother because of money and all that stupid stuff. She did apologize the next day however, but that was enough for me to want to stay away from her - especially if she's drinking. His family is way too involved in each other's lives. We are very happy and we have talked about this and we are keeping our relationship to ourselves from now on. It's too bad all of this has happened, but I do not feel I need to explain myself to anyone else - as long as I'm okay and my daughter and boyfriend are, that's all I need.

The problem is that I have a feeling this could cause problems if I can't get over my anger and resentment towards them. I am not going to say anything, but if they confront and say anything to me first, I can't promise I won't react, and that might not be good. I guess I'm looking for some advice or people that can relate to this situation.

Thank you to everyone out here, you have all been wonderful in my recovery program!

August 3, 2007
2:41 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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First of all, how old is his daughter?

second - you are dating HIM, not his family - but yet, they are part of the package.

I think that, in time, thru your recovery - you will learn how to detach, accept and not react when they are around.

they will ALWAYS have opinions of their own - just like you do - and you won't like them any more than they like you - but that doesn't mean you can't be civil.

for now - do what you are doing and keep it between yourselves and try not to get upset at what they say and do....remember the serenity prayer when it gets tough - you can't change them - so, find constructive ways to deal/cope with them.

but don't worry about your anger now...it's normal...it's hard not to take it personally and feel the rejection....after all, we want to be loved by everyone - it makes life easier.

I dated a guy who's family did not like me much...made it very hard and I felt very uncomfortable at family fuctions - I felt they played nice to my face, but knew they said mean things behind my back....it's painful...so I know what you mean.

thankfully, my current partner has a decent family - I don't LIKE his brother - but he's tolerable and we can get along...his mom likes me and I like her...so it works....but if they didn't like me...it would be hard.

August 3, 2007
2:48 pm
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Lisa Ann
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Thank you Rising - I always like to hear what you have to say - you seem to be able to relate to everything I seem to go through.

His daughter is 21. She lived at home until just recently, which I felt was way too long, but I tried not to get involved in that situation. Her mother passed away 2 1/2 years ago and I think she tried to take on the mother role, and now she and her sister do not get along very well. She tried too hard and it backfired on her.

Anyway, she is a very judgemental person and she complains about things a lot - from what I have heard.

I'm happy to know that this anger feeling is normal - I'm not used to feeling some of the emotions that I am feeling, so it's good to know that it's okay.

I will do my best to remain calm and focus on the serenity prayer - I have used that more than ever in the past 6 months. I think that if anything is ever said, my boyfriend will put a stop to it anyway, but I'm not 100% sure. That would make things so much easier.

I will keep posting and let you know how things go and what happens. I'm just so happy that he has moved away from his family and is ready to focus on us, not us and them together - yuck!!

August 3, 2007
5:48 pm
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_anonymous
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You are in a difficult situation. No doubt. You still have all the right in the world to set up boundaries and to remove yourself from any family member of his that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just because he shares genetic material with some folks doesn't give them the right to be inconsiderate towards you. As far as adult children are concerned and I do have a 21 year old daughter myself, living at home is a priveledge not a right. My husband does not care for my children and my children do not care for him. I simply told them that they do not have to like one another, and should leave one another alone. If one of the family members refuses to participate in an activity unless another family member is excluded I tell them that they(the one who is refusing) may be excused.

August 3, 2007
8:26 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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It is difficult to handle situation like this. I think the first thing to do is to believe in your mind that this guy is worth staying with no matter what his family is like. Someday you will have to establish a working relationship with the daughter but right now I'd concentrate on recovery and your relationship with this guy.

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