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what/who was first
September 26, 2003
4:45 pm
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darth
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What or whom was first in the relationship? The alcoholic or the codependent.

September 26, 2003
4:52 pm
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Ladeska
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Good question! BRAVO! Does it matter really though? People who are codependents are attracted to alcoholics. And alcoholics are attracted to codependents. It's a vicious circle, one chasing after the other one.

You'd almost think it was a match made in heaven except it just seems to spiral downward, so I guess not.

September 26, 2003
4:57 pm
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artist 2
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Codependents are attracted to codependents too. Which is also not good.

September 26, 2003
8:36 pm
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mj
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My guess is that codependency starts first from family modeling, then somewhere along the line...Alcohol could become the attempt to curb the painful feelings of unhealthy people in our lives. Both of these states I think are equally miserable.

September 26, 2003
9:05 pm
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unhappy camper
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Perhaps they both existed separately but fate led them to meet. The alcoholic was a drunk, the co-dependent was a door-mat. The drunk walked on and puked/peed on the door-mat, and the door-mat waited for more.

I can't leave him/her! It's so wonderful.

In another home not too far away, the door-mat argued back and got hurt and the fighting escalated and it was war at home and each got sicker and it hit bottom. The alcoholic had a hard time stopping this time, and the door-mat was embarrassed about her compliance.

They both suffered during and after the relationship. The only way they could stop hurting and move on in a meaningful way and make permanent changes for the better was to.......

????????????????????????

September 27, 2003
7:29 pm
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Care Bear
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Hmmm... my codependency has absolutely NOTHING to do with drugs or alcohol. Is it still codependency? I think the guy in my life is also codependent. Is just being needy and wanting to help people mean you are codependent? I am still trying to figure all of this out.

September 27, 2003
8:39 pm
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unhappy camper
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These are from this link: http://www.codependents.org/co.....apatt.html

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns: I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns: I have difficulty making decisions. I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough." I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own. I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns: I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns: I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. I become resentful when others will not let me help them. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

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