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what/where is the line?
February 2, 2000
3:20 am
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looking for answers
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My boyfriend (of over 5 years) and I started a serious conversation the other night and jointly came to the conclusion that we are dependant on one another; emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially...etc.

I have always prided myself in having a healthy, loving relationship. I have also been a firm believer that 1+1=3: the man,the woman and the relationship.

I guess that my question is what/where is the line between a healthy supportive relationship and an unhealthy co-dependent relationship?

February 2, 2000
5:50 am
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hazza
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Hi Looking,
I just replied to your other thread, I hadn't read this one!

Okay, Co-dep. Have you read some of the past threads on co-dep? they are excellent.

I only realised how co-dep i was through this site.

From my experience, and this is only my opinion. Being co-dep is natural to humans. We are evolved from monkeys, and who ever saw a monkey live alone? We are by nature designed to live together and depend on one another for survival. This doen not mean we have to, it is just a natural inclination for humans to depend on others.

For me being co-dep was a problem because the person i was depending on was no good for me. He had his own problems that made mine worse. I would deny my own needs. feelings, beleifs, wants, fears and everything else, and do only what he wanted because he was a dominant force in my life and whatever happened i was more afraid of being alone than any of the stuff i had to cope with in order to stay with him.

This did my mind and body harm.

Things only changed for me when i really woke up one day and thought I would be better off alone, i exploded at him, told him all the things he had done to hurt me and told him to go. In other words i finally set some boundaries, something i should have done long ago. It seemed to work, he doesn't do half the things he used to now, i will not depend on him for anything. This means at the moment i have to depend on others a little bit more, like my family, because i am not by any means self-suffiecient yet. But at least i am not at the mercy of someone who has unhealthy behaviour patterns.

This I think is where co-dep is a problem. If you depend on someone who is good and caring and has a smiliar life view to you then its not so bad, some would argue that you should never depend on anyone, but on the whole, many people have been in such partnerships and never suffered through it.
If however you are co-dep on someone who is unhealthy, it can spell disaster. You can lose your life to someone elses view of the world and this can cause problems.

Both you and your partner have talked about this, which is good. Maybe you can work together on being a little less dependent on each other, Do you socialise seperately? have different hobbies and so on. this is a good place to start, so you don't "live in each others pockets"

There are many good web sites on co-dep, once you read up more about it you will know if you recognise yourself in the definitions and you will know if your own dependency is a major or a minor issue.

Good luck
Hazza

February 2, 2000
9:37 am
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Cici
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I agree with Hazza. I think everyone has dependency tendencies. If you aren't dependent on anyone else, you deny the very social nature of humans. We depend on friends for companionship and conversation, we depend on family for support and love. We depend on lovers for emotional nourishment and sexual satisfaction.

So I think it's about finding someone with complementary neuroses. If you feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship, it's healthy. If you're uncomfortable with one or more aspects, then you should examine it further.

February 2, 2000
12:20 pm
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Just a brief history...

My bf and I do not live together. We were high school sweethearts. We plan on getting married. We have the same goals in life. We are good to one another (as far as I can tell.)

Another thing that struck me about our conversation is the pharse he used: "It felt good to not see/hear from you for those two days." to which I agreed and told him so.

We had gotten into an argument (rare for us) and didn't speak for two days. Its not as if we spoke over the phone everyday anyhow. Somedays, if he gets home late or if either of us are just plain tried, we don't speak at all. We only see each other 2-3 days a week as it is. Do you think that this is a bad sign?

Oh my, I can't believe I'm going to say this...sometimes I think he's gay. I look for things in what he does or says that can tell me either way. I've even asked him. He got very hurt and obviously said no.

For the most part I believe that he is a good man. He is kind, loving, funny, great with children (often acting like a child homself) and usualy very attentive. He is a hard worker and knowledgable in many ways. But he isn't driven to finish school, which worries me. (I'm sure that he would say the same about me.) I don't know why I've just mentioned everything that I have...

He's my best friend. We do socialize without the other in tow. We live seperate lives, except when it comes time for support. Cici, you said that we (humans) depend on friends, family and lovers for different things. I think my case we (my bf and I) depend on one another for everything. Our families aren't supportive, nor are our friends ideal companions...(gosh, I just reread that and it doesn't sound good)

tell me what you think.

February 2, 2000
8:24 pm
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not that I was trying to, but I must have stumped many of you because noone has replied to my lost post.

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