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Whats wrong? round two
January 17, 2007
9:41 pm
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sqeak
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My fiance is a widower of 3 years. His 31 and 26 year old kids live with him. He has had a quad. by pass. BUT.... He can't tell his daughter don't smoke in house, even though he hates it. He is allowing his son to live at home and not work. Instead he pays his Son's car and health insur. food, cigs. even though he doesn't want to do this. He says he doesn't know why he can't confront them. What is wrong!?

January 17, 2007
9:55 pm
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gracenotes
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sqeak,

Well, this sounds a lot like my friend who I just started a thread on. Allowing themselves to be doormats really. I think it has a lot to do with wanting to be a peacemaker, not wanting to get anyone upset, and definitely a sign of codependency.

I guess the questions to ask, and I am saying this because I am thinking about my female friend and how she allows everyone to take advantage of her, free rent, free babysitting, treated like crap half of the time by the people she gives freebies to, and all of that, is why I want someone like this in my life whose behavior is so damaging, not only to themselves, but also enables others to be less than their best selves too and have unpleasant behaviors. I have not really figured out the answer to that question yet.

January 17, 2007
10:07 pm
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Anonymous
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squeak,

After you marry your fiance, is the daughter's smoking in the house going to bother you? How will you feel about living with the freeloading son?

I'm concerned that over time, you might come to resent them over these behaviors, and resent him for letting them walk over him. Incidentally, if he lets them walk over himself, how do you know he won't let them walk over YOU, too?

I hate to rain on your parade, but I just felt I had to ask these questions.

Seeker

January 17, 2007
10:48 pm
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sqeak
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Seeker,

You have hit the nail on the head with what has been going through my mind.
He knows we can't get married the way it is right now. Which makes me wonder if I am really that important.
It has been two years.

I am already resenting his kids. It is sad.

What floors me is, he will forgo his health and his relationship with me for these ungrateful creatures.

Maybe there is more there than I know. Maybe he is trying to tell me he isn't interested in a long term relationship.

January 17, 2007
11:21 pm
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Anonymous
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sqeak,

It's sad indeed. Unfortunately, you can't make him choose what's best for him.

All you can do is decide on your limits and communicate them to him, and let him decide what to do. Have you told him plainly that the status quo is unacceptable and that you will have to stop seeing him until the situation changes? That's what I'd suggest, anyway. Take care and the best to you.

Seeker

January 17, 2007
11:56 pm
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sqeak
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Thank you so much...I was hoping there would be an easier answer. But unfortunately not.

January 18, 2007
11:05 am
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nappy
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If you have your own place, then I wouldn't worry about his kids. As long as they are not in your house, I wouldn't care about what they does in his home.
There is always signs before marriage and this one is a signs that I would be like, we can still see each other, He would be more over to my house, then I in his.
His children are ADULTS. They are grown and need to be out on there own but he is allowing them there and he is allowing them to run over him.
Just imaging that he is not saying anything to his kids, but if you get marry, you would be the one that he will take his anger out on not his children.
I would just be thankful, that you are not living in that situation right now. You have your own place and it yours. Not living with three more adults especially when they are not doing any.
Please, everytime I step into my place, I would be saying, it them and not me.

January 18, 2007
2:29 pm
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gracenotes
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Are you planning on moving in with his adult children as well? Oh, that is a recipe for resentment. In my current post about my friend, I just really resent that way she enables her adult son and, in the meantime, does a stellar job of disempowering him and keeping him acting like an adolescent.

It especially rubs me the wrong way because I am so committed to my personal recovery and this kind of stuff is so anti-recovery. I wouldn't expect to be treated nicely at all by these adult kids either.

Maybe I am reading too much of my own personal stuff into it, but something to think about.

January 19, 2007
5:17 pm
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sqeak
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I guess it drives me crazy that he tells me about it, but won't do anything. Like I said before, I am taking it personal now. He says he doesn't want to bring me into his home until he gets things fixed. But he isn't trying.
I had a good cry yesterday (alone). Now my head is clearer. I don't care if he fixes it or not now. I think I have hit my emotional limit. A friend told me to just worry about taking care of myself. So that is what I'm gonna do!!

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