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What's with a "friend" who does this?
January 3, 2005
10:05 am
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artist 2
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I had a girlfriend last year. We cried on each other's shoulders from time to time, took walks and talked a lot about men. Then she met a guy who was "really good" to her. Suddenly he moved in with her. He never paid rent or utilities, or did any housework. He did the cooking--with what she bought at the store. I told her it didn't sound right to me. Then he started taking trips without her--to get away with "the guys." I never suggested he was messing around on her, but wanted to. There were no facts to base it on, but anybody would see what was happening. When a man routinely takes trips "with the guys" and resists disclosing details, then gets angry for his girlfriend asking quesiton,--something bad is going down.

I had told her before how unfair and suspicious it sounded. She would tell him she wanted him to spend time with her, and he would get mad. After warning her for the last time (when she called me up yet again to cry about his bad behavior) I told her I just couldn't take hearing about it any more. I felt that she wasn't doing anything to communicate with him any boundaries--letting him walk all over her.

I ran into the pair of them once since that phone call. He made some inappropriate statements about "I'll tell you later sweetie" when I'm the only one standing there! As if I couldn't be trusted with the information. What an ass. I had always felt he was controlling her and manipulating her away from my friendship because I would tell her what I thought about him.

I have been an honest and caring friend to her. Anyway, Christmas goes by, then New Year's (no call, no "how are you, Merry Christmas")--and I get a message from her. An hour later she leaves another message. I have a feeling another catastrophie has happened and she's looking for a shoulder.

I honestly don't want to talk to her. Normally I would do this as a friend, but I feel she betrayed me for him. I don't feel particulatly motivated to call her back.

What do y'all think--should I call her back?

January 3, 2005
10:17 am
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CAMER
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why not, she is your friend...and she is most likely in denial..what you could tell her, Artist, is that you
don't like the way she is being treated by her bf and if she chooses to put up with this behavior, YOU choose not to help her out...she is in so much denial, and its best for her to learn this on her own.

I have a friend of mine who is sleeping with a married man..I do not approve of this, and I told her I will still be her friend, I just don't want to help her or do anything if things don't work out good.

Everyone has there own life, and sometimes they need to learn the hard way. You said and did what you had to for her, now its up to her to fix her own life, and by you putting boundaries on the "phone calls" when she calls you crying...at least you are setting up ways that you want your life to be healthy.

hope this helped a lil'.

January 3, 2005
10:20 am
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starryslp
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If you don't want to talk to her, then don't.

You need to do what you want to do, not what others want you to do.

Good Luck!!!

January 3, 2005
10:21 am
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Anonymous
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I would call her back if she really is your friend and you care for her. I know where she is at, we have all made mistakes where we think that the love of a man is so important to us that we foresake all else to have that and in the end she will realize that when it doesn't work out, because it doesn't sound like it will, that you were there for her and who she can appreciate in her life. I know it is frustrating for you, and you need to do what is best for you, maybe set boundaries with HER and tell her that you want to hang out and do stuff and so forth but you do not want a friendship limited to converstaions about her boyfriend. I think my best friend in the whole world said it best, you know you have a true friend when they still love you even when you are unlovable at times.

January 3, 2005
10:30 am
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marley
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Artist2 - as much as I think we all want to be there for our friends in their time of need, I think your mental health and sanity should be your number one concern. We all need friends, especially when we are down and out and feel lonely. However, sometimes the greatest gift of friendship is allowing people to figure things out on their own and not always be their crutch. I would be concerned that once you help her get through this and she feels stronger and better, she will go right back to the same behavior that upset you to begin with.

January 3, 2005
2:00 pm
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SweetAmanda
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It's your choice.

She needs love. That's why she's settling for the crumbs that this man is offering her in the first place.

You happen to be at a different place in life where you are past that.

You can't make her see what he's doing... Only when she takes off the blindfold is that possible.

So, it would be very easy for you to fall into a codependent relationship with her. That's what you are avoiding. If you want to remain a friend, set firm boundaries.

January 3, 2005
2:17 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks for the varied opinions an dpieces of advice. It helps, really does. I think I will call her, but wait to see what is up...

January 3, 2005
2:19 pm
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workinonit
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I agree it's your choice. If you think you can be strong enough to tell her you will not get involved with problems over this relationship then do that. But, if you feel you will only get sucked back in then do not.

You have every right to your feelings and opinions. Every right to feel hurt by her lack of attention to your friendship. But, I hope you recognise your self in some of these actions and can forgive. I know this is one of my problems. Once I start to admit, I've done the same thing, it is easier to feel differently.

Hopefully, by being honest with her, she will grow. If not, be assured, you have!!!

January 3, 2005
2:29 pm
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Anonymous
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And remember many of us have been here and there. I know plenty of people that are obsessed with their ex's or current boyfriends, and that overtakes anything they do with friends. It is just the way people are, and I know I have been that way as well as many of my friends have been that way. When people get into relationships and have problems it is very hard for them to see past what they experience because the pain can be a lot at times. I think that you setting boundaries is a wonderful thing and that if you stayed friends or at least let her know that you wouldn't just stop talking and end your friendship because of a guy that is very loyal.

Of course on the flip side of that is the fact thatyou do need to watch out for yourself, do not let this consume you as it has her.

January 3, 2005
2:31 pm
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marley
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artist -

I think that if you want to call her, you absolutely should. In hindsight though, I have thought I was being the *better* person by calling and remaining concerned, but as I have learned through the 12-step program, all that behavior does is enable people to manipulate you. Just look out for yourself and if things start going south with her, please walk away.

January 3, 2005
2:33 pm
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Anonymous
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Good point Marley.

January 3, 2005
2:51 pm
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workinonit
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absolutely a good point!!!

January 3, 2005
2:53 pm
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Anonymous
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So workin what are you going to do about Eric?

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