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What's the point?
November 12, 2005
12:21 pm
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sdesigns
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Earlier this week, I stopped at a stoplight and there was my ex bf standing on the corner waiting for the light to change. Of course we didn't acknowledge each other but each had to wait for the light to change. As I sat there looking at him, I wondered waht is the point to having a relationship w/ someone when you ultimately end up as total stangers, not even acknowleding the other? Why put yourself thru the torture and misery when it ends up like that? When you ultimately end up alone anyhow?

November 12, 2005
12:51 pm
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Pegasus
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The point my friend is that although there is pain, there is always something you are meant to learn from that pain even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

I was at a similar place one time. I actually called my mom and asked her if I should continue loving someone I knew would ultimately break my heart or close myself off so as to not ever feel that agony again. She told me that the heart is meant to love, that I was born to love. God or whatever you believe in never meant for us to go through our life without love and that love can take a million shapes. That's the beauty. So I chose to love him and he ultimately broke my heart but I really was richer inside and smarter for the experience.

Each time you love, you learn a piece that fills you in a little more so that someday, when the time is right and the person is right and you are ready, the love will be right and you'll be okay.

It may seem fruitless but there is a point to all of the love we give, even if it passes us on the street one day and doesn't know us. The truth is that you recognized it and are going to be better off for it. In the meantime. Be in your skin. Just be. The rest will follow. Good luck.

November 12, 2005
12:59 pm
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Nevermore
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Sometimes what we think is love is not, but the relationship still may be worthwhile if we discovered more about ourselves from it. For example, I was in an abusive relationship with an addict for 5 years. His physical abuse and my depression caused me to see a counselor who enlightened me about ACOA and Codependency. I used to think I was just insane, now I realize so much more about myself. I have had to come to terms with my childhood to understand why I would be attracted to and then feel trapped in a doomed relationship. I doubt if it's love; it's a very strong addiction to someone who needs me. But it was part of God's plan- one day I think I'll understand this complex chain of events I call my life and I'll be content and accepting of all of the experiences I've had.

November 12, 2005
12:59 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Sd,

Life is a risk in every aspect of it. It is also an adventure. Yes it hurts so much when romantic relationship ends when each one goes apart or separate ways.

Instead of asking the quesiton what's the point, we should pose the question what can I learn from this experience? How can I prepare myself for the next step so that I will meet the right guy.

Life is not unfair. Being kind, warm and giving is no guarantee to get by successfully. In fact I realized that bad things happen to kind and warm people like you, me and many of our cyber friends here.

It is these bad and jerky events & folks that teach and shape our life and events and honestly we should be thankful to them. They are the ones who enriched and added meaning to our life.

Right now I myself is going thru tough trying times and believe me it sucks so I know how you're feeling honey and totally sympathize with you and I am keeping you in my daily thoughts and prayers.

~Love, Ras~

November 12, 2005
1:05 pm
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exoticflower
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There's the movie Annie Hall that is all about that, thatere is something we need from the relationship. It's one worth checking out while you are in this frame of mind, it's a woody allen movie (what a pig of a man, but what a funny guy...).

I think our exs are all important to forming who we are right now, in this space in time. And as we grow from one another we do it in different ways, akward ways a lot of times. I sort of think that as long as things in our lives are happening and changing, we are growing or fioghting growth, there is nowhere to go but up (unless you are one who fights it, in which case nowhere to go but down). I'm glad for all of my past relationships becasue they helped bring me to exactly here, which sucks a lot, but god only knows what different place I MIGHT be in if not for the possitive I was able to take from all of my past relationships. It'
s a bumbling thought, but I think you get the idea, right?

November 12, 2005
2:56 pm
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Mr Niceguy
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sdesigns,

Is it necessary to literally not acknowledge each other while waiting for the light to change? What would be damaging to see the ex, and to see yourself, separated but slowly changing. Acknowledge both the past bad and good, as an aid to moving on and moving up. If ever I finally go through with separation and divorce, that would be my wish. Definitely not to torture each other emotionally, but on the contrary to better place our lives in their proper perspective to allow us both to turn the page.

I don't know if one would call this "staying friends", I think this goes into a realm separate from intimacy and friendship, more like basic respect. Respect for ourselves first of all, and then respect for the other.

I hear a lot on this site about people suffering in relationships, both before, during and after breakups. It all becomes part of our experience, the good and bad, no?

OK, if the ex is not in a headspace to acknowledge you while waiting for the red light to change (such an ironic symbolic scenario!), why could you not look at him as he is, with his deficiencies, and realize that YOU are able to acknowledge him, that YOU are moving forward in your life. THAT, I think, is the Point.

Finally, about ultimately being alone, I believe that if we achieve healthy self respect then respect for others, this will make us attractive and we will probably not feel alone. In the end, really the end, we are alone; but self respect and love of life ought to sustain us, I hope.

November 12, 2005
3:06 pm
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sdesigns
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Thank you all for your replies. Now that I've had another good cry...

Pegasus: Your words are full of optimism. I know intellectually what you say is true, but my heart can't feel it. I feel like I have learned more than my share of lessons but now I am too old, and my heart has shriveled up. I am trying to accept that "the plan" fo me is to live my life alone and never know what love is. It makes me so sad. I don't think there is anything to follow. All of that is meant for other people.

Nevermore: What you say is what I am experiencing. I have learned much about myself and am trying very hard to just be content and accept that this is what my life is meant to be.

Hi Ras: I'm sorry you're having a tough time too. You are always here for me and I can feel your arms around me. I just don't what my life means.

Hi Ef: I understand what you are saying. I wish I could take just a tiny positive spin on my past relationships (if I can even call them that) but when I look at the as a whole, I think it all adds up to the same thing. I am too old for anyone to ever want me now. Something better should have happened to me by now. I can't spend the rest of my life hoping something will happen.

thank you all for your replies. I will think more on this and maybe when I cllimb out of my funk, I can share your optimism. I envy all of you for your outlooks. Thanks, SD

November 12, 2005
3:13 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Mr. Niceguy: We were posting at the same time I think.

Your words are so full of wisdom. I think my problem is that the result of my "relationship" was destruction of my self respect. I know I will never respect him. I feel like I have to hide, that I am not good enough to breathe the same air.

I used to enjoy being alone. Sometimes I still do.

He, on the other hand, doesn't like to be alone and always has someone. It happens very easily for him. It hurts that I was just another "someone" and I actually valued him when he was just using me.

November 12, 2005
3:59 pm
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sdesigns
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After seeing him on Tues, on Wed nite I woke up in the middle of the night with very bad chest pain and I couldn't breathe. I got up, trying to move around, trying to breathe. It was intense. It occurred to me that I might be having a heart attack. And I didn't panic, wasn't scared, just laid back down and said "OK". I didn't care if that was the end. I was ready.

November 12, 2005
4:13 pm
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Mr Niceguy
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sdesigns,

I really hope you didn't have physical cardiac problems. It may have been something else. Between now and the end I'm sure there will be many very deeply happy times!

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