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What's the first step for getting out of abuse & Co-dep
October 9, 2006
9:47 pm
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kasie919
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Army,

I know that fear, i used to vomit when i felt like that..

Oh i so dreaded doing to bed at night becasue i knew there was a chance he would need to be"taken care of" as he says..

UGH!!!

I cried, or i just layed there, even thought about doing the BOBBIT thing to him hahahaha..

I got so sick of myself i thought i rather be dead, and i still feal Pathetic, is your husband my lucifers brother?????

Honey, im not trying to pressure your, im sorry if you felt like that, lord knows, im the last one to tell anyone what to do,

there is just something inmy heart when i first starting reading your posts, and i saw how our lives are identical, i needed to tell you, its ok, and you will get out, I just dont want you feeling so lost that the only way is to let him win...
you know what im talking about...

I trust in you, I trust you will gain strength, one day it will click, i promise you,

You will say enough...

butterfly kisses my friend, and great big teddy bear hugs, you need em....

Love Kaise

October 9, 2006
9:55 pm
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armyleo
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Tiger,

Welcome to the site, you did't interupt anything, the conversations bounce back and forth. I am new here and there are so many conversations going on at once it's hard to keep up.

The last 3-4 days I have found many wonderful people, I honestly don't have anyone I can lean on in my life, yet in the short time I have posted I feel like I can call on some of these wonderful people who have knowledge. I'm not one of them, but maybe I will be one day.

October 9, 2006
9:58 pm
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tiger530
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Armyleo

Thank you. I do feel better now šŸ™‚

Question - do codependent people confuse emotional hurt with affection? I mean, when I think he's talking to his mistress, it hurts so badly but then my affection for him increases. This is an alarming tendency I have discovered, but at least I have discovered it.

Do we tend to do that???

October 9, 2006
10:00 pm
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tiger530
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10p and I have work tomorrow. I'm signing off, but will return tomorrow to see whether anyone had any insight to share with me re my question, posted immediately above.

Thanks everyone... sincerely šŸ™‚

October 9, 2006
10:02 pm
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armyleo
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Kasie, no, I was responding to Jeni's message, regarding fear. I had already told you, that you were not being pushy. Please don't be mad.

I think what happens is messages overlap, sometimes I post and there is one that has posted when I am posting. Please I need you to continue being here and talking.

October 9, 2006
10:05 pm
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armyleo
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Tiger - I'm sorry I just learned there was such a term as Co-dependancy a few days ago. If no one responds on this thread, then I would start a new one. That usually works best.

I'll talk to you tomorrow,

October 9, 2006
10:07 pm
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loving myself
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armyleo:

I know your fear, after 34 years I finally got the nerve to leave two months ago. I tolerated many of the things you are describing.

Crash through the fear and you will find peace on the other side.

It's been 20 years, but I can remember tears streaming down my face from pain and him not noticing. I had cervical cancer and did not know it at the time. All he was concerned about was his "needs".

Call a hotline and at least talk to someone. It's okay. I see a therapist and she helped me to help myself find the courage to leave.

Now that I am on my own, my husband wants me to come back and swears he is a changed man. We'll see. I am taking my time evaluating the situation. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I am happy today.

Loving Myself

October 9, 2006
10:55 pm
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armyleo
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Loving,

So many people have told me to call the hotline. You know I actually had the phone and # in hand and I couldn't do it. But maybe next time I will get the courage and let go of the fear.

Why is fear so paralyzing. I'm just realizing it takes over your whole life. Why did I not realize this earlier?

October 9, 2006
11:24 pm
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hurtstobreathe
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Army, please listen to Kasie. You have those beautiful children. You can be assured they do need you! A lot! I'm not sure of their ages, but I'll tell you that I lost my mom when I was 20 (from lung disease) and I was literally devestated! Like Kasie, my mom was my very best friend. I was an only child and had no one else except for my grandmom on my mom's side. I talked to her every day. We ate out together & shopped. I can't explain how devastated I was. It was like my whole entire world dropped out from under my feet. Imagine how your children would feel without you. And they need you to protect them from him. I know it doesn't help for you to feel like a sort of buffer because you're taking in most of the pain. But if you were gone, think of how bad it would be for them!

Lord help me because I've somehow found myself into another not so good relationship, but four years ago, I was married and he was an abuser. He never abused me physically like your's is, but it was excruciating--the things he said to me. For example, I'd usually cry over my mom while I was in the tub so he wouldn't hear. But if he'd hear, he'd bolt in there, grab me, shake me & say "What the hell is wrong w/ you?" And when I'd cry harder, he'd say "Oh yeah, cry harder, go ahead, you can do better than that."

I would get ready to get off work & be literally sick at my stomach before I'd get home. I'd go in the opposite direction to pick up my son. I'd try to make the best of it by laughing & joking w/ him the rest of the way home in hopes of calming myself. We'd start up the stairs and before we could get to the top, he'd have totally ruined whatever we were laughing or talking about. He'd say "I hope you're making something good for dinner because I'm starving."

The dinner wouldn't be right & he'd throw it in the trash & go on about how it was a shame that I couldn't cook. Later, he'd complain about some grocery item I'd bought being wrong. Like I'd gotten the wrong kind of milk or cereal or something.

I'd try to hide out in the bedroom/bathroom in hopes of keeping him quieted. My son's bedroom was right across the hall from mine & I'd keep him back there with me between the two rooms playing & watching tv until time to get him to bed.

I'd get him in bed & take my shower & I'd hear heavy footsteps bounding through the hall & he'd be bitching about 'all the water' I was running. I'd shut the shower off & get into bed. There were even times I wanted something to drink before bed, but I'd know he'd still be up & if I went through the house, he'd get started again. So I'd cup my hands under the bathtub faucet & get a drink that way.

So believe me, I know what the mental abuse is like. I know what it's like to walk on egg shells and to try to keep your child quiet for fear of getting his temper escalated. He'd say "What the hell kind of mother are you? You don't even know what to do to get him to shut up!"

I can't even imagine what you go through because you've got the physical abuse too. He never did that to me or my son.

I'll tell you the only way I was able to break free. And no one will probably like this because I didn't leave right away. It started like that when my son was about 2 1/2 years old and I didn't leave til he was 6. It took me about 3 1/2 years to get to the place where I was ready to leave. My son's 10 now & it's been about 4 years.

My new relationship is not so good & I didn't even recognize it as really being that bad because I was used to much worse. But after talking to everyone on here, I've found out differently. But what I did for that 3 1/2 years was this:

1. I didn't make so much money from working part-time (my son hadn't started kindergarden yet), so I saved what I could and went back to school full-time and got my degree.

2. I let him put the cars in his name because that's what he wanted anyway. That way it would be easier for me to leave.

3. The credit cards that were in my name, I paid more to so I could get those paid off & then I cut them up.

4. I was working 38 miles from home. I started looking for a job closer to home so I'd be able to make it better w/o all the driving. I was moving into my mom's house that I inherited & it was further into the other direction. The job I got ended up being 17 miles from my mom's house, plus I made more money.

5. I used the $5,000 I'd saved ($2,300 to pay for an attorney and $2,700 for a used but paid for car).

6. The legal papers were filed and I was ready to move into the house that was my mom's. But it was the week of Christmas, so I waited past the holiday & had him served on Dec. 28th.

Do you see how long it took me to leave? A long time! Because there were factors. There was my son, who was emotionally attached to him & I wasn't sure how he'd react. There was money issues. And the emotional issues.

But I prepared myself for those 3 1/2 years and that's what got me through it. Small step by small step. Just knowing that I had a plan & was working on it. That gave me time for my son to mature a bit, for me to get a job closer to home, to save money, and to become less emotionally dependent on him. By the time I left, I was ready in every way and I was completely sure of what I was doing. I haven't ever regretted it or looked back on it. Sure, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I know in my heart that I did everything in my power to make it better & nothing worked.

But if you can make small, slow moves like that to work toward the final step, I think that will be a lot easier for you & you won't be as overwhelmed!

And maybe it won't take you as long as it did me! I really hope not. The main reason I took me so long is that we had a whole lot of credit card debt. And I had no family to keep my son until he started kindergarden.

I wish you luck & will be thinking of you. I really hate for you to be in that kind of situation. God be with you & your children.

October 16, 2006
4:15 pm
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Matteo
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October 16, 2006
4:43 pm
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armyleo
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Hurtstobreath,

Since matteo bumped this up, accidently or intentionally, and I seem lucid today, not in crisis mode.

I wanted to say that the majority of what you described I have been through. I can't believe you had such will power and fortitude to countinue with you plan secretly for 3 years.

Thanks for your suggestions.

Sometimes in crisis mode we can't see things clearly.

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