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What's the first step for getting out of abuse & Co-dep
October 8, 2006
10:44 pm
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kasie919
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One other thing,

Yes ive felt that anger, and ive almost boiled over into my son, but , i walked away, even if i cried into a pillow, or hit the wall, or just stopped what i was doing, and took really big deep breaths, i could not allow myself to take it out on my kids..

Army, you are good, YOu are worth every bit of this life that you deserve,

when we are raped like we have been, and we know its our husband that has done it, i think that the shame is worse than a stranger, because the man knows or let me say is suppose to know if we say NO!! we mean it, and they should stop..

I felt dirty, i felt aweful, i showered 2-3 times a day, i gained weight, amde myself look ugly, he still kept going on,

Army, I looked in the mirror, saw the mental scars he was leaving on me, and i knew, i was better than that..

Please try to find some peace..
can i ask what state your from??

I live in south carolina,

Love to you,
Kasie..

October 8, 2006
10:48 pm
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doubleloss
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kasie, army. it's heart breaking to listen to your stories. kasie, i'm very proud of you and that kind of strenght should be showcased, really. There should be shows that talk about marital rape, that is unthinkable, unspeakable and horrible. It is very brave of you to talk about it, but it is good, it might help others.

October 8, 2006
11:08 pm
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armyleo
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"I felt dirty, i felt aweful, i showered 2-3 times a day, i gained weight, amde myself look ugly, he still kept going on"

Yes, I''ve done all that, it's so true!!

I just want to wash away, the feeling and they don't wash away they stay with you, the ugly and dirty and shameful feelings.

However, I can't look at myself in the mirror.

If I tell myself I can't control the situationh then, I feel like I'm loosing control, I would keep spiraling down hill. At least when I can sense something bad is going to happen, or when I can no longer stand the dreading and what's going to happen, I tend to provoke hime, just so He can get it over with.

I know it sounds, crazy and insane but, the worst is now over the living, in fear and dread has stopped for a while.

I have written more today than I have in my whole life!

October 9, 2006
12:26 am
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kasie919
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Army,

I cant sleep knowing there is some one suffering like i have, im sad because you are in the begigining stages,

What you dont realize is hat you have taken very small, but you stepped up, you have talked to us about it,

You see this as a problem, so thats good.

Tell me what would he do if you stopped allowong him to control the moment?
He can read you like a book..
What if you just said enough..??

Ive been sleeping on the floor for 2 years, when i wanted to leave, i moved out of the bedroom, and the only other place to go was my sons room, so i slept on the floor with him..
Now i sleep there, and i have moved out..
i do it to remind myself of where i was , oh an also cause i dont have a bed, ha..

I think im ugly, undesirable, sick, unhuman, pathetic, all of those things you say, include, fat, and very very bad at being a wife..i have felt undeserving,

But you know what i think it really is?

we want love, to be loved, to feel secure, to feel happy, the aproval that we have done a good job as a mom and a wife, and we strive every day to prove that we are exactly that,

I have learned, that there are people out here that dont use you, treat you like crap, abuse you, force you to do things you dont want to do..
I have even found people who look at me and see beautym see a human being..
I have found people who look at me and can read every scar on my body, and not feel pity but tell me how wonderful i am becasue i was able to walk away..

I know you to can find those kind of people, and i know you have the strenght to move on, you just need the will,
and your will are those beautiful kids of yours..
Gather up your courage, look in the mirror and say no more, cry your eyes out and let it begin,
let your heart begin to heal,

I stil dont love myself, im guessing it will take time, i still feel ugly and shamefull, sont know if that will go away,

I can walk down the street, and keep my head up, i dont stare at the sidewalk, becasue i know if someone looks in my eyes they might see what i have done..

I know you feel like that, and i bet a million dollars you are pretty beyond belief and smart, and funny..

Im here for you Army, we walk in the same shoes...

keep writing until your arms fall off, then go back and re-read, you will see, your making progress and not even knowing it...

lots of love,

Kasie

October 9, 2006
12:42 am
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armyleo
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"we want love, to be loved, to feel secure, to feel happy, the aproval that we have done a good job as a mom and a wife, and we strive every day to prove that we are exactly that"

Oh Kasie it's like you can feel exactly where I at.

I'm scared to start really crying because i'm scared that I won't be able to stop.

How do you know that I keep my head down, I don't want people to see what's happening, Like they can see and tell what's been happening.

I isolate myself in my room as much as I can. I do work, but my job does not require alot of interaction.

Oh please continue to talk whenever you can. My H works different hours, doesn't always tell me what days etc, So I have to be careful, I'm not on-line all the time.

You know, I started out this morning, and most of the day as wanting to end it all. I felt like I was the only one who failed. But after talking to all these wonderful people,, I feel like I can make it at least another day.

Some post are more to the point and forceful and that's okay, because we need to be nudged. I might not understand right now, but one day it might light up in my head.

Maybe this is what it means to take one day at a time, one moment at a time.

October 9, 2006
1:06 am
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Yes Army this is what it means, and if anything we as in you and i can help each other..

How do i know ??
because i havebeen in your shoes,like i have told you, more so than you could ever imagine..

Go to this website:

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com

You will sit there and say"holy crap!!thats me"

I thought i was crazy, i though god how can someone normal thing this is right?so i figured im not crazy, im sick..

Army, this is my 3rd very abusive marriage, my first one lasted only six months, he was a drunk and a drug addict, it has a long story to go with it, but long story short, i was stupid, only 18 young and very niaeve..
He came home one night, after drinking totally oblivieated, i was on the phone with my mom, when he grabbed it our of my hand, and beat me unconscious, I awoke, in a hospital, my jaw shattered to the point i had to have several surgurys, plastic sugery, and had my jaw wired shut for over 6 months, i looked like a raccoon for almost a year, today i look in the mirror and i can see those scars, i can still feel that pain, it makes me sick..

Then i met number2, oh the charmer, and once you start indulging the google thing type in mental abuse, you will find lots and lots about this..Oh the charmer he was hot!! as in good looking,very sexy, very good to me, and i thought what the hell does he want with me, red flags poopin at the bit but i refused to see them, started a business with him, gave him every dime i made, did everything he wanted, until i got pregnant, first time i got hit, i felt like i deserved it, he coldcocked me, i was 9 months pregnant, out in the middle of the street, i begged and begged for his forgivness, i had no idea whta i had done, he called me fat, ugly, pahtetic, a cow, a bitch, whore, you name it, then he came home, acting like nothging happened, wanting sex, at first i tried to refuse, but i knew, as always before it was futile to refuse, so at 9 months pregnant, he raped me, again, he not only vaginally, but rectically, tore me so bad i bled for days,

I went into labor, he took me to the hospital, dropped me off, called my mom and left, I almost died having my daughter, but it was more important for him to be with his gierlfriends, I should have known..

Thank God my mom was alive then, casue i dont think i would be..
3 months later she killed herself, i was deveistated, and my horror got much much worse, the beatings, the rape, he forced me to have sex with other men, i got sick, i wanted to die, i didnt want to love like that, he told me if i left he would take my daughter away from me, he had girlfrined after girlfriend, i would try to leave, he would promise to change, say i love you, make it all rosey, then beat the hell out of me and make me feel as if it was all my fault.. and i really beleived it was, until he broke into my house on night after he moved in with my best friend, he beat me, pistol whipped me, broke my collar bone, several ribs, and put me through a glass table,
the police got there in time to stop him as he was drving off with my then 3 year old daughter in his car..
they thought i was dead, i wished i was...

it took me 7 years to get a final divorce decree from him, mean while I met lucifer, #3...

you know that story, and its all the same,

I dont want to live like that, I want peace, i want to grow old, see my grandchildren graduate school, and move on,

I want peace,i want to love myself, i want to feel good about me,

The only one to fix it is me..
I have to be the one to say enough is enough...

its a hard long sad road, but my son is well worth that trip..

dont you think your girls are??

Love Kasie

October 9, 2006
6:45 am
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kasie919
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Good Morning Army:

HOpe your feeling better today, ive thought about you most of the night, sleep is hard to come by these days for me,

YOu know you mentioned your job,can you take a day off, no one has to know why, and just go some where, so you can grasp what is happeneing?

I know you had first sadi you cant go to a shelter, can you talk to a therapist? how about just calling a hotline, i dont know where you live but here they have 211, and man they have saved me beyond beleif..

you can just talk, cry, get some contact information, shelter information, all of that..

If you go into a shelter, i know how you will feel, I know the loss your afaid of, i know because i couldnt do it either, but now i wish i had, just dissapeared with my son and allow them to protect me.
You can keep your job, they will help you save your children, they will be with you evrery step of the way,

I wish now i had only done that..

Be strong, my friend, your gonna make it, i promise you...and those little girls, they love you more than anything in this world, dont you forget it....

IM not able to get online most of the time at work, but i will try today, if not i will check in on you later...

Love, hugs, and butterfly kisses

Kasie

October 9, 2006
2:00 pm
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armyleo
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Kasie,

Thanks for the post. I guess I could take a day off work and be by myself but that would be so scarry, because I keep busy and keep going and going, if I stop and think too much then I couldn't handle it.

I live in CA, I've never called a hotline before. I wouldn't know where to start, what to say. I know you probably think, it's silly. But I would be embarrassed. I know I'm sounding like a kid, but it's that I have to much fear in me.

I posted this post on another thread.
I've got to get this out in the open, I've probably, closed my eyes and heart to it.

He doesn't physically abuse them, he teases them, and sometimes it makes them sad, like he will tell the 16 year old that she is fat, but has a way of saying it jokenly. I keep telling her dad is just joking, because I don't want her hurt,but it hurts her, it makes her cry at times.

He gets mad when I say something to him about that. He says I don't want him having a relationship with them, he says I can't take teasing. He says I'm making the girls too sensative.

Damn, this is too much to be taking in. Is he subtly being mean to them too?

Thanks for the good-morning

October 9, 2006
3:27 pm
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jastypes
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Starting with a book is a good idea. Women Who Love Too Much is one that changed my life and got the ball rolling. Co-Dependent No More is one I read and then read again.

October 9, 2006
3:33 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I agree, that book changed my life too - it "found" me - and turned my world around.

October 9, 2006
3:49 pm
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kasie919
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Hey army,

Im taking a chance from work and hope your here..

just think about your pain when you call a hotline,
They already know what to say back to you, they are there to listen and help..

I know your gonna think im crazy, but call your local police and ask if there is a domestic violence victem officer..

I didnt know the local police had such a person, but when i hwas going through the lucifer case on friday, she called, me, and allowed me to cry, gave me all kinds of advice, and made sure no one would findout that i had spoken with her if i didnt want anybody to know..

She was great, and when the police came back out last night for the stalking, she called and asked if i was ok, YOu are not a bad person, you are a wonderful human being caught up with the devil..

In my own hoest opinion your husband is abusing your girls if he does that about her being over weight,

My mother took her life because my father was relentless on her about her weight, how she looked etc etc..
I became bulemic at one point, and almost took my own life becasue i became so heavy..
Think how your daughter feels in her heart, what a cruel man to abuse his daughter that way..we love our children UNCONDITIONALLY, no matter what..Shes 16, she already feels the peer pressure, cant imagine her pain becasue her dad does that..

I know your trying to justify his actions, please dont, you only have to justify your own, he is an adult, and a big jerk at that..You go to your daughter look her right into her beautiful eyes and tell her how beautiful she really is, hug her, and tell her you love her, i can guarentee she will love you and respect you if you leave him..

remember, you can only dothis, we are here to help you,

and I in now way doubt you at all, you are truly a good wonderful warm person..

Love Kasie

October 9, 2006
8:33 pm
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kasie919
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Army are you here?

October 9, 2006
8:37 pm
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armyleo
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I'm here

October 9, 2006
8:49 pm
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kasie919
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Hey Army:

HOpe you dont think Im being to pushy, I just feel for you, I want you to be safe, as well as your kids,

Please visit these links, especially the first one, GIRL!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

It is self help, read as you can learn how to be safe, both online and at home...

There are many many areas of CA so im not sure where you are but one of these can lead you in the right direction..

Im here if you feel like talking..

Love Kasie

http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/se.....ection/dv/

http://www.4women.gov/violence/state

da.co.la.ca.us/domv.htm

Laura's House: Orange County, CA
A shelter for Women and Children. South Orange County California:
24 Hour Hotline (949) 498-1511
Business Line (949) 498-1445
E-mail: [email protected]

The Sparrow Foundation: Colton, CA
To provide a loving, safe Christ-filled home that meets the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of women and their children who have been victims of domestic violence. To use all means necessary to assure a safe environment for the resident women and children. To provide abused women with medical help and vocational training. To help abused women and their children with emotional and spiritual healing through individual love care, counseling and prayer. To reach out separately to the abusive man and offer alcohol and drug dependency recovery and counseling with the goal of restoring families.
Phone: (909)783-8103
The Sparrow Foundation
P.O. Box 2253
Colton, CA 92324

October 9, 2006
8:52 pm
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kasie919
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I posted to you on the lib side as well..

October 9, 2006
8:59 pm
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kasie919
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another really really cool site

http://www.wingsoffire.com

October 9, 2006
9:01 pm
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armyleo
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Kasie,

You are not being pushy, I will print this out and keep it.

I'm not strong enough to do anything right now, but someday I will need it.

I'm still down I guess, I want to cry but know that if I really start it's all going to come out.

beside's he's home tonight so I can't, he gets upset if I cry, thinks I'm being childish,, hates it when I cry.

Did you ever dread going home, that's how I feel today. I don't know I guess I can sense his moods.

October 9, 2006
9:02 pm
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kasie919
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http://www.wingsoffiresurvivor.....ticles.htm

woops wrong wings of fire, the one above is correct..

well if you like buffalo wings, that si a cool site,
silly me.....

October 9, 2006
9:09 pm
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kasie919
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OH MY GOD!!!

did i ever dread going home????

Everyday, every minute, every second of the day I lived with him, yes yes yes I dreaded it!!

I cried all the way home, right up until i got into the door, then i had to "suck it up" and not act like a baby,

Oh Army, my heart just aches for you honey!! i wish i could just hug you right now, you poor thing...

Im gonna say special prayers for you tonight, I hope God gives you the strenght to get out, stand up and take your stand....

Im here Army..

Sucks when they are home doesnt it??

wanna know something funny??

the first night i was in my apratment just me and little man, we went out, got chinese food, not that i could afford it but i did becasue lucifer refused to have that food in his house, I got some ice cream, and me and little man had a feast, sundaes, and then i stayed up all night, just dancing around the house, laughing and just having a good ale time....
It was freedom, it was alone!! I was crying, laughing, and feeling SO SO releived, I made it ahlf the way, now im on the down hill, and i pray you will to...

Please dont give up army,

Please...

Love Kasie

October 9, 2006
9:16 pm
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armyleo
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Yes, you know what it's like!!!! It sucks, thanks for thinking of me.

I hope you don't get tired of me.

You made me smile, I can see you doing the dance around the house, feeling free....feeling free....

Hey, I'm rooting for you, if you feel down during the day, just know I'm thinking of you.

You made it up half the hill, you can do it. What was the story about the little engine. I can do it... I can do it.

You might back up a little because the hill is steep but you can continue. Me I haven't even got the strength to look at the hill. My eyes are down.

October 9, 2006
9:25 pm
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Army, do you have family around? If not, I would look into a shelter. Seriously. He has you believing things that simply are NOT true! You ARE a good person and a GOOD mother!! You've just been with this person too long to actually KNOW that.

I would call either family or a shelter and take those first steps in moving forward. You have no idea what's out there for you and your girls. Your husband has broken you down, BUT...the good news is that you CAN rebuild and take this learning experience on the road with you, and even help others in this situation, with what you have learned.

I know it's easier said than done, because fear is an emotional road block. But if you can face that fear, you can eventually TEAR DOWN that road block and PLOW right thru it!! With dust in the air!! Leaving everyone SHOCKED, including yourself! And oh...what a LIBERATING feeling it is, once you've overcome that fear that holds you back!

One day, step, moment at a time! We're here!

(((Army)))

October 9, 2006
9:28 pm
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kasie919
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Chear up my wonderful friend, better days will come,

and belive me, I have seen HORRIBLE days, ones i never thought id get through..

and i know about your eyes, thats why i asked if you could take just one day off, for you..

I did this, I told no one what i was doing or where i went,
I drove to the beach, and walked, i think it must have been 10 miles before i realised that i had better turn around,

But while i was walking, i felt a overwelming feeling of calm, i cried, didnt care who was looking at me, I talked to myself, didnt care about that either, then i walked into the water, and stood there, I asked god for help. i dont know if you have him in your heart, and lately i had begun to wonder if he was on my side..

but as i walked back, to my car, and my drive home, i made that choice to say ive had enough, i cried becasue my son was almost beaten to death, DSS could have taken him away from me,

I had to change, it took me 15 years to get out of this one Army, 15 years of going back and forth, up and down, in and out of the hospital, 15 years of tears, emotional abuse, and you know the terror, you live my life, I have no self esteem, I still hate myself, but im learning im really not that bad, I dont know how to love, but im starting to feel in my heart...

im gonna be ok, and so are you, we will both be ok, I promise you...

Kasie

October 9, 2006
9:31 pm
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armyleo
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I am so weak, and pathetically afraid I can't even call a hotline. He loves to use that word on me now, I catch myself using it and I hate it. "Pathetic".

My fear is like one huge wall around me, I'm scared, I guess it's built up little by little now I'm to scared and fearful, of the other side.

Just thinking about leaving makes my heart start pumping with fear.

I'm sorry I can't do it.

October 9, 2006
9:39 pm
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Today is the first day I understood... or at least began to understand... co-dependency. Confusing love and co-dependency, not being comfortable in 'normal' relationships, giving until it hurts and presuming that is the way it is supposed to be.

Today is also my first day on this site. I am very impressed with the sincerity, honesty, and information I am finding here. No, I am not alone...

It is true what I read on one of the pages here (I think it was here...): Lessons don't go away... they keep presenting themselves util we learn then. Gosh I can be SUCH a stubborn study.

I am on my second marriage. No physical abuse, but he has cheated on me constantly. Our 4th anniversary was last month. He takes responsibility for NOTHING; everything is about HIM. He also praises me a lot, was tender in bed (until he started in with another woman in January), and always told me how proud he was of me. I eat that stuff up (adult child of an alcoholic family). I find excuses for his behavior - oh, he has been having a horrible time, the business didn't work, and so on. But now that our money is gone, he finally got a job (i suspect his new girlfriend had an 'in' with the company), and days before his first paycheck he leaves. Blaming me, of course.

I was doing well until he said he looked into a marriage encounter weekend. Nifty. I thought perhaps there was hope. It was after that, however, that I discovered proof about the mistress. Now he's going overseas to work for a few months... no marriage encounter until January. I suggested seeing the family therapist - oh well, IF there is time and if there is an opening etf etc etc. Arg. When will I learn?

Thank God I am financially independent. Everyone thinks I'm 'strong' but I hurt so terribly. Emotional pain - ugh the worst. It won't go away. Yes, I will seek professional help. I told my estranged husband that we could see the counsellor this Friday and have dinner afterwards. LOL Boy, I almost can't wait to see what he does to get out of it.

Why is it that we are so stubborn? Is it a trait? Please respond if you know...

Thanks
Tiger530

October 9, 2006
9:46 pm
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tiger530
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ArmyLeo - I'm sorry. I didn't read your last entry before I entered mine.

We're all afraid. Of something. Sometimes we're afraid of everything. Your spirit has been crushed - I wonder if you are able to get angry.

If you CAN get angry, use that strength to your advantage. If you crumble, then your anger is being directed at yourself and it will deplete any strength you might have.

Anger longer term is not useful... it makes you strong only in the short term. Sort of like breaking the inerta when you're moving furniture. But it is no way to live.

Get angry.
Get angry at the right person.
Stay angry until you are strong enough to see the truth.

(again my apologies if I seemed insensitive, I was not trying to change the subject or shift attention from your situation)

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