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What's the first step for getting out of abuse & Co-dep
October 8, 2006
5:00 pm
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armyleo
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I'm reading all the post and they are so overwhelming, it's all too much for me to deal with. And yesterday on the boards I learned a new term co-dep. I guess you can be abused and co-dep?

All this makes me cry, especially since he was at it again today. Not physical just putting me down, putting the kids down, not in front of them but, telling me I'm an awful mother. All I could do was cry, he makes me feel so small, so worthless. Nothing I do is right.

What is the one thing that you would do to change the situation? Something easy, someting I can handle. Don't tell me to leave, because to me that sounds impossible right now.

All I can do is cry, it's like I've got no energy left. It's like I don't care. Do you guys ever feel like just ending it all. I've started to, If i'm so terrible and horrible, why stay. I hate myself right now, and what I've become.

He always says I'm a looser, I've had it. My emotions can't take it anymore. I'm on melt down mode. It's like I want this to end, but it's easier if I end it all than, If I change. i've tried to change for him, but it never makes a difference.

He always finds something else to pick on me for. I've given him all my love, yet I feel so lonely, but at the same time it petrifies me if he were to leave. He says I can't make it on my own. I probably can't.

Sorry this post is so about me, but I don't know, what to do, and thinking about the end, sometimes, at least brings a little relief.

Do you guys know what it's like to live, with someone who physically hits/grabs throws etc. Or want to do things that I'm not confortable with during sex. or that says I'm worthless, and trailor trash. Tells jokes about me in front of others and says he's teasing when he isn't.

I've HAD IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! I feel so dirty somedays, i want to disappear.

October 8, 2006
5:05 pm
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revelation
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Everyone first step is different I think. You have already taken a step by being here.

There is a book called "Codependent no more" By Melodie Beatty, and I would recommend that.

I'd also recommend "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward (I think).

Buy and read them...make sure he doesn't find them, keep them somewhere safe and let those books give you strength, awareness and courage.

Rev.

October 8, 2006
5:07 pm
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Jenni
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Great advice from Rev.

Also, you might want to find an Al-Anon or CODA meeting in your area. There are others out there who are experiencing the same thing you are. And these groups can be very helpful.

October 8, 2006
5:12 pm
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armyleo
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I don't know if I could go anywhere just yet. Only you guys know what is happening.

October 8, 2006
5:15 pm
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ggfred4
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army, we all wish we could go and capture you and your kids and take you to a place of happiness and safety. You are in a very unsafe place, physically and mentally. Your children are too. Children are smarter than you think.

He has you believing what he is telling you, but you know in your heart you are not a loser but a loving person or you wouldn't have made it to this site.

I know you are overwhelmed now. Sex between a married couple is supposed to be "making love", bonding, holding, and pleasing each other!!!

You deserve so much better and I am going to make the commitment to pray for you each morning this week. I will NOT forget you because I want you away from this pain and suffering.

There are so many caring people here...please take care of yourself and your children....GG

October 8, 2006
5:22 pm
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armyleo
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GG & evryone,

Thanks for the words, it's kind of embarrassing, having people care, pray and just trying to help. I wish I had that in person.

Maybe that's just why I want to end it all. The more and more I think about it the more I think it's the best.

reading some of your post, you all seem to have bonded already, to have formed friendships. Have you ever been in a room and been alone. I feel like I'm intruding on you guys at times.

October 8, 2006
5:22 pm
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doubleloss
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armyleo. something easy, simple....keep posting here. Writing things down and getting support from people is crucial and it will carry you through all the steps and all that you need to be doing, at your own pace. So, please write and write and write.

I am only learning about codependency and i still don't quite undrstand the concept, but for now, don't worry too much about that. You are in a terrrible emotional, mental and physical place and there's no need to complicate things further in your head.

Abuse of any kind is NOT your fault, you don't cause it, ask for it or deserve it.So perhaps you can start by learning and educating yourself on what abuse looks like, and ways to start building yourself to put an end to it and be able to get out of a situation that is so toxic and harmful. Your pain is very real, feel it, feel it. Do you practice any religion? is there a pastor/priest/nun etc that you could talk to? Is there any chance you could go to a women's centre? AL, I will be praying so that you are granted the strenght to talk to someone other than people of this threads. Is there any chance you can go to a therapist/counselor by yourslef? I remember from your other thread that you find that impossible because you are very ashamed. Maybe you are not ready yet, so, please keep posting, the more you take out, the lighter your load gets and then you can start making decisions.

YOU ARE A WORTHY WOMAN, simply because you are on this earth and because you exist. And as a worthy woman you deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved and to live in peace.

Keep reading the different threads. So many of us are going through very very difficult times. Some are or have gone through terribly abusive relationships and tragedies. There is a lot of experience, support and compassion on this site. Keep posting.

many hugs for you. double

October 8, 2006
5:25 pm
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doubleloss
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and...you're not intruding at all. you are welcome to participate on any thread.

October 8, 2006
5:30 pm
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Hi armyleo

I really admire you for being so open and honest about how you are feeling, even how you feel at this website like everybody knows everybody else and you feel like you are intruding.

As you learn more about codep, you will discover that we all tend to feel that way! I certainly do, and it's not comfortable. But I believe we have a driving force inside us that wants to be healthy, and that is why when we find this site, we stay here and read and eventually start posting. I came here and read posts for several months before I cautiously started posting anything.

Please know you are welcome here and you belong here every bit as much as I do, or anyone else here.

It's very easy to see from the outside that you are a strong person, and sad to see how much your h has you convinced that the opposite is true. But you ARE taking the steps to get back in touch with your own power.

Keep coming here, and reading, and reading books, and reaching out. You are changing your situation, and I believe in you to survive and thrive!

(((hugs))) from kroika

October 8, 2006
5:48 pm
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ggfred4
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army, I understand how you are feeling. When I first came to this site in June, I felt like an outsider and still do at times. I have learned to participate when I can. Yes, I have a close friendship, but that took a while to develop.

You stated that you wished you had someone around like the people on this site. I DO TOO. I have no close friends anymore. The phone never rings, no emails, etc. This site has been a lifesaver to my soul.

Please talk, you will find some of the most caring people from all over. Yes, I wish I had people like that in my life, but settle for this, okay?

October 8, 2006
6:02 pm
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Rasputin
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AL - Coda meetings and other support groups will help you to grow.

Purchase good books such as "When you love too much" by Steve Arterburn; and "Addiction Approval" by Joyce Meyer.

This place is very ideal for becoming more strong, autonomous and well-informed, as we are all here Codeps at different stages of our healing and recovery. So, hon, don't worry you are not alone!

(((Hugs)))

October 8, 2006
6:06 pm
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doubleloss
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Al I do have close friends, BUT, there are so much I want to tell my close friends. It is hard for me to be totally open, as i've been here, with people that i see all the time. There is great relief in anonymity. My closest friends know the struggles and pain I'm going through, though, they don't know everysingle detail. So friends or not, for me this has been crucial in keeping my sanity or doing something I would regreat later.

October 8, 2006
6:09 pm
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Anonymous
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AL

Hey hey hey! You are welcome here. You are among friends! Give us a chance! We got to know each other, cuz we kept posting. Don't give up. I am rushing cuz I am about to run out the door, but wanted to reply. My cyber friend, GG, has made enormous progress and is now helping you. She didn't know anyone here at first, just like you. Now, look at her! That will be you soon enough if you try. She has only been here a short time. She is a survivor and so are you. That is how we know each other. No, we have no clue who we are in real life, and that is how it stays. You are safe here. Welcome to the group.

Hugs,
P&L

October 8, 2006
6:38 pm
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Dear Armyleo,

Just like P&L and everyone previous are saying, you are so welcome to come and talk about your life. We all need to sort things out.

I hope you will be able to get some comfort and relief from the pain you've been in. I will pray for your well-being as others have said as well.

YOu said you were not at a point that you could just leave, but the abuse is on-going. I was thinking about a way to protect yourself from the feelings of worthlessness that he's been throwing at you.

Can you do this?

Listen to yourself. Your thoughts. When you are really at your wit's end and crying, hear the words that you are thinking in your head about yourself. Then, purposely, give yourself another inner voice that yells "Stop it!" at all the negative thoughts.

Allow that voice to get angry and protective on your behalf. Let it say things like "That's not true!" and "I'm NOT worthless!" and "I'm NOT all those things he is saying about me!" It is just not true.

You and each one of us is important and unique and worthwhile and we each have a right to be here.

I was just thinking that if you could call a halt to the pain for a minute, you could come to a place where you could realize that just because he says those things to you, it does not make it so.

Do you think something along that line of thinking would help?

October 8, 2006
6:43 pm
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red blonde
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AL

This is a wonderful site. It has helped me tremendously...but I still have problems with co-dependency, the no contact stuff, etc. You will get alot of good advice and you have a lot of good people on this site that have been where you are now. Just hang in there and get help here and near you. I am fairly new to the site as well. All are welcome here, that I learned. I have also felt like an intruder, but not anymore. I still have alot of trouble talking to my close friends. I had become more or less a recluse for the past five years...Though I had no friends to talk to..because my xso made me feel that I didn't. He was always putting me down, making me feel I didn't belong anywhere. I still do feel that at times...and when I think of ending it all, as you do, I get on this site and just post to anyone who listens. It helps.

I have been posting to someone in the UK who seems to be living a parallel life to mine...and I think we can help eachother. God knows I need help, all I can get.

But listen to all these wonderful women on this site! It will do you a world of good!

Hugs and prayers to you, (((AL))) and to (((EVERYONE ELSE))) and I thank all of you!

RED

October 8, 2006
7:14 pm
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armyleo
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someone asked if I had a religion or a place to talk to someone. I started going to a little community church, ~ 20 minutes from home. However he quickly put a stop to that. He won't let me go, says I'm crazy for wanting to go, that I'm being brained washed and all they want is my money.

The couple of times I went it just seemed so peaceful, in the middle of caos.

I guess I just never thought that what my H said wasn't necessarily so. He's always telling me that if it wasn't for him I would not make it. I could go on and on. but I guess I can try to tell myself to stop that thinking. But would it make it true.

Why does everyone think I'm strong, I'm not strong. If I was strong I wouldn't be thinking of how t end it all. If I was strong I wond't be having a melt down. There's nothing good left inside me.

It's all gone from years and years of trying to make this marriage work.

From years and years of his puts downs from years and years of bruises.

from years and years of crying by myself. from years and years of hugging the girls when they were little and just crying into there hair.

Ugh, do you ever feel like nothing? I'm sorry I'm just rambling now, my head hurts, from all the crying.

October 8, 2006
7:27 pm
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doubleloss
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hi armyleo. well, i see what you say about being strong. it hit a chord with me.

the people around me, that know me and love me they all tell me "you're so strong, you've always been able to deal with things, to create things,to this and that, bla, bla, bla", and now that I'm in the darkest place i've ever been they still say that. They say, we are not worried about you in the long run because you have this inner strength..blablabla. And I'm thinking...oh yeah! my life is a bloody mess, i can't hardly get out of bed, and I am strong??? I feel like a joke, really.

But then, well, I'm going through hell but the point is that I'M GOING THROUGH IT. It would be much easier to have stayed where I was, to stay unhappy and unfulfilled. To be begging xbf to take me back. To go and buy a bottle of pills and just take them. So, maybe, and just maybe there is some strength there.

And with you, the same. You are strong because you know you are weak, because you know you can't keep living the way you are living, because there is that inner voice in yourself that keeps screaming that you are NOT worthless and stupid, because eventhough you've been living in hell, that voice is gaining strength and is telling you your truth, that you are a precious human being that deserves to be loved and respected. And that my friend, IS strenght. And holy cow! I had a light bulb moment (like Oprah says).

So, that suggestin of thinking STOP when you start putting yuorself down sounds good, I'm going to start doing that too. We are strong, that is why we are here. It takes strenght to want to change, and take charge of our lives to make them better.

October 8, 2006
7:27 pm
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army, you are breaking my heart. Let those feelings out, it is okay.

He wants you all to himself, he wants to totally control you. He is afraid of churches, friends, etc., because he will lose control of you.

Personally, I want to go and whip his ass for making you feel like this and definitely for hurting you. My husband said something mean to me an hour ago and my feelings were hurt, self-esteem spiraling downward, and then something happened in my head. I started thinking that what he says was wrong and that was his problem. At first I just ignored him and then I told him that what he said was mean and I refused to go with him somewhere. I am just telling you this to let you know that YOU can get yourself out of this horrible situation. He is not going to change, only you can change. (My good friend here told me that once too)

Please take care...

October 8, 2006
8:11 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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armyleo,

I have been in your shoes, that punched in the gut, how could I be so stupid, what the hell do I do now kind of feelings.....but it gets better, I promise you that.

Something inside you made you go looking for answers - and you found us here.

That same "something" will help guide you thru "what's next" - and we'll stand by your side as well.

My world fell apart last august, and I started picking up the pieces, only to have it fall TOTALLY apart in April. I am not well on my way to a better life. But I couldn't do it alone. I went to coda meetings, and I wrote (ALOT) here. I saw a therapist too, tho that didn't do much good, and I got more support here.

Please understand that your husband has "created" this - he has beat you down, conned you, manipulated you, controlled you - and you are not alone - many women have fallen for the same type of men, doing the same type of thing. These men are good at what they do - and they get what they want - which is to control you. Put the fear of god into you. Make you feel weak and unable to think for yourself.

Please know that you CAN think for yourself. You can stand strong and function as a grown adult. You can make up your own mind. You have your own feelings.

Your mind is probably racing and you probably feel overwhelmed. Just take a deep breath and try to relax. There is hope and there is a way out and there IS a better life out there for you. One step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time if you have to...one breath at a time if that's what it takes.

There have been a few new posters here lately, in your shoes - opening their eyes to being in abusive relationships - and slowly they are finding their way out too....sometimes you just get fed up and walk out and don't look back, other times, you have to take your time and plan it slowly, other times, you leave, come back and then leave again, before it really sticks.

It's not hopeless - please don't give up hope - you need it right now.

(((HUGS))))

October 8, 2006
8:33 pm
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kasie919
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Army:

I have read through a few psots here and I felt compelled to post to you..

I have and am where you are right now, as we speak, I know all to well how you feel, EXACTLY how you feel,

I know the pain you endure, the shame, the loss the hurt, the bruises, I know how you must truly want to end it, I have wished at times my husband would just beat me to death and end it all for me..It seems as if thats the easy way out doesnt it??

Please go read the posts on the lib side about mama asking about domestic violence help, you will read my story there..

What i want to say to you here, is, I have been the survivor of my mother commiting suicide, I have felt the daughters pain for 20 years, I can tell you, if you leave those little girls behind with that monster, that will be as devistated as i was, and am.

i miss my mom more than ever, she was my best friend, she was all i ever had in my life, she was my life line, when she died, God gave me my daughter, becasue i needed to go on, I needed to love her, and give her my strength,Shes 21 now, and has her own, she knows the mothers love that is given, she saw her dad, beat me, abuse me, belittle me, put me through walss, tables, windows, shes seen blood, bruisesm broken bones, and she loves, like i have raised her.She has no hatred, and that is only becasue of me, she sees no color, she sees no evil, she judges only by the heart, all becasue I raised her, on my own, with out a father..

Now I have a 5 year old, and am going through it again, I have the will this time to be strong and say enough is enough, I know this road is hard, bumpy, and futile at times, but we have our kids, we have to live on for them, becasue if we leave this earth we show the lucifers out there that they have won the battle and they will raise our children to be like them..

I hope you understand what im telling you..

I am and know how you feel right now, and I know, your almost there, you are almost ready to break free, you go ahead, go to church, let the lord show you the way, you will feel in your heart he is there and wants you to go on and love your children free of this abuse..
You will gain strentght daily, and please pardon the expression, the bigger the balls you grow, the more suprise to yourself you will have as you see your standing up for not only you, but your children...

I promise you, its available to you, you can be free,

I may live in a cardboard box, have no money, or no clothes, but my son, he has everything, and will never be like his father ever...He has the love ONLY a MOTHER can give him and teach him..and so can your daughters..

Give your heart to the lord, go to church tell them whats happening, and see what they do for you!! they will hug you, allow you to cry, and give you faith and stgrength, just like very one here at AAC cxan give you.

I will be here for you, as I am walking in your shoes, I KNOW THE LIFE YOU ARE LIVING>.

Please come to the lib side read my posts, you will see, youcan do it..

All my love, hugs and prayers..

Kasie

October 8, 2006
9:13 pm
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armyleo
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Kasis,

thanks for posting. Yes, I've have that feeling where I just want him to finish me up. When he raped me I wanted him, to just finish it up why go on. Do you know what it's liked to have that happen by someone you love. To experience the pain you only thought would happen with a stranger. Not being able to go anywhere because I'm too ashamed, embarrased to say anything.

Ugh why is it so confusing. Why am I being so selfish, I think of the girls, but I'm not a good mom, and he says, that anyone would be better than me. That's i'm a diservice to them. They need someone whose example they need to follow. I love my girls, but he says I'm a horrible example.

I try not to be but its hard, I tell them something then he goes, and tells them something else. Makes me look like I don't know what Im doing.

I've got sooo much anger inside me. Sometimes I feel like Im the abusive one. When he finishes with me, yelling etc. Then I take it out on the girls. Not always, but I just snap and loose my temper. It's like a domino effect, I don['t realize I'm doing it until it's too late. Then I feel horrible for doing that.

Can;t you see I'm no good.

October 8, 2006
10:05 pm
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doubleloss
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AL, i sense you are building strenght to get to the point to be ready to hear what is really happening to you.

Resistance is normal, and as in your other thread, someone pointed out, we all understnad and hear the truth when we are ready. For some it takes longer for some shorter time. I was in a deep mental fog for a quite a while, when it started lifting I started seeing what was really going on and somehow determination came over me. let go.

and yes, you have your precious daughters. they are innocent bystanders that should not have to pay for the parents mistakes; but you are already on the road to changing that if you choose to. Keep posting, keep questioning, keep asking and reaching out. that's going to be helpful. take good care of yourself tonigh.

October 8, 2006
10:22 pm
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Please find that voice inside you that will stand up for you.

YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!!

You're not No Good. It's just not true. No matter how often you hear it, you cannot believe it. Because it's just not true!!!! You are a good person.

Turn the anger onto the un-truths. Abuse the negative thoughts by yelling back at them!! The children are not causing the negatives.....HE IS!! And you are agreeing with him? Prove him WRONG!!! You DO know what you are doing. You DO NOT like the way he is regulating and manipulating and ordering your lives. There are SO MANY better ways. You can find them. Do not let him make you believe what you know is not true.

Seriously, people who criticize others constantly do it because they have so many negative thoughts about themselves. He KNOWS he is not doing right by you and your children by beating you up about yourself. He KNOWS he has crossed the lines of a healthy relationship.

Your self-respect is not going to come from him.

You have to reverse the negativity within yourself. He is only feeding it. It does not make it true. You are a good person and you can choose to react to the bad feelings by realizing that they are by-products of how he has been treating you, NOT how you truly are inside. You are still in control of your inner self. He cannot make you think your thoughts. You still have that freedom to choose what you think. And you can think and know that you are a good person. He cannot change that. Don't let him.

October 8, 2006
10:32 pm
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kasie919
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Army,

Take that anger and put it into play, put it into the thought of tossing that no good SOB out!!!

LISTEN UP!!
I love you!! we all love you, those little girls thay love you!!YOu are not going to let that asshole raise those beautiful little girls..

Yes my friend, I KNOW how you feel, ive bben there, truly.Ive been raped, then forced to do things wiht him I never in my life would think of doing, in the end, he wanted me to sleep with other men or women, it was ptitfull..

Honey, your a good mom, dont let that jerk tell you otherwise, YOU are not the eveil seed...He has convinced you other I know, But you have to see its him, controlling you.. GEt angry, and let him have it back..

Remember what I said about bigger balls??

I know your scared, I was and still am, but you know what? the day i walked out the door was the first day of the rest of my life, and i will be damned if i allow him to controll, hurt, rape, ABUSE me ever again..

Oh its a long way from being over, I know, But, I have my son, to look at everyday, and thank GOd he is there, he is why i live, and those girls, they are why you live, dont think they would be better off without you, thats what he wants you to think, hes driving you crazy,

Do this for me, in the beginning when i first started coming here, almost a year ago, someone had suggested i write a list of all the reasons to stay, and all the reasons to go, funny thing, I could not for the life of me, put into writing why i wanted to stay, I had a million reasons to leave, little by little everyday, i wrote in my journal, and went back daily to see how things have gone, now when i read back, i see the change, i see me growing and standing, You can do this, i know you can,,

Can you take the girls and go somewhere?
I know you cant think of a shelter, ive been there as well, although it may be a good thing to do, but how about, taking a trip, just you and the girls, so what if its his money, you take care of the family, cook clean etc.. you eraned it.

Army, the day i decided to leave, was the day my husband almost beat my son to death, i realized for the first time, i was hoping he would beat me to death, but then i saw how he could raise his hand to my son, and thought what the hell am i doing, i saw the fear in my sons eyes looking at me begging me to help him,
The very next day, i went to a friend ive only known for a few weeks, asked her to help me, she loaned me the money, I got the hell out.. I never want to see that look in my sons eyes again...

Love yourself, you are beautiful, smart charming, and A VERY GOOD MOMMIE!!!

No matter what that asshole says...

I love you!!..

Kasie

October 8, 2006
10:37 pm
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Anonymous
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There is a book you must read call "Why Does He DO That?" by Lundy Bancroft. No matter how much we tell you that you are the victim and do not deserve this, we cannot make you believe this based on an online forum. You must MUST MUST decide to get yourself help. You cannot stay in an abusive situation and think it will get better. You cannot change him, only yourself.

Please reread the very wise words of GG's last post. No matter how much you think you can control him or the situation, you cannot. The only thing you can control is yourself. If you want to control the situation, you can do so by removing yourself. Abusers rarely, if ever, change, and sadly, the victims feel the guilt and shame.

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