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What's happening on this site?!
March 29, 2000
10:26 am
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Cici
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I've been posting here for a good 7 months. I remember when I started, people were very supportive of everyone's choices. Now when I read threads, I see a lot of anger, directed at other people who post here. And a lot of defensiveness.

Who knows if anyone will respond. But I'm becoming a little disillusioned and I might go the way of Tears and say bye bye. I guess I just want to know what happened.

C.

March 29, 2000
2:53 pm
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site coordinator
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CiCi,

I sometimes have a tough time reading all the threads.

Please send me an email when you find disturbances, or feel there are difficulties here.

[email protected]

Thanks, SC

March 29, 2000
3:28 pm
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CiCi,

I see now, what you are referring to.

My assessment, is that when we start feeling 'safe', like we're out of the woods, this is when we can get the most lost, because we can stop doing the #1 most important things, which are to keep perspective, and keep ourselves in check.

I have attempted to address this issue in a couple of the threads.

Thanks for your calling my attention to it.

- SC

March 29, 2000
9:01 pm
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Jasmine
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I agree with Cici. it's like going to a debate forum. and it is difficult to read so many 'fights' here.

March 30, 2000
7:09 am
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lost soul
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Sad to hear that there are such kind of problems here and so many of our friends are leaving.

March 30, 2000
8:28 am
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janes
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It is sad....do remember that we are all people with "problems" .

Our codependency was bound to show up here too.

March 31, 2000
7:48 am
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hazza
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Hi All!
Well i guess i owe you all an apolgy for my part! I am sorry for the debating threads that went on too long! I did feel that i was being judged too much and felt the need to respond that is just the way i am. But it does make for boring reading for anyone else. Maybe i should just let these things go, but i find it difficult to read disrespectful things being said of me when my point has been misunderstood, it is like i am being misquoted, i do get defensive, because i want people to know what i said, not to read some other persons views on something that i never said in the first place!

I too miss the good old days! but i am not sure it is co=dep to stand up for yourself, i think maybe it is the opposite.

Either way, i hope we can get back to a place where we can all support again. None of us have all the answers, we can only ever tell other people our own experiences and thoughts and hope that that helps the other person come to their own answers. I gained so much from this site, from sharing and reading other people who had been through similar things. We cannot tailor our answers to suit what the majority wants to hear, we can only ever tell our stories as we have lived them and show the good and bad that has resulted from the choices we make. Sometimes that can help others work out what choices they want to make.
So, I cannot apologise for my posts, i stand by everything i have said, but i see what a pontless excersise it is for everyone involved and apologise for my part in making the site a less freindly place to be, i just don't remember ever feeling like i had to be defensive here before, i liked the site because we could be honest and not feel judged whatever we said or felt. I hope that that feeling will triumph and people will not be afraid to be honest for fear of lampooning.
Peace šŸ™
Hazza

March 31, 2000
8:13 am
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lost soul
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Hi hazza , I agreed with your point.
I feel we are all here to share and receive advises from other.
don't be šŸ™ please be šŸ™‚
Cheers!

March 31, 2000
8:26 am
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hazza
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thanks hope,
look i am smiling again! šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚
dont forget to let know how you are doing when you have the energy!
Hazza

March 31, 2000
9:31 am
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Jasmine
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ohh, let's forget bad things! Move on!

March 31, 2000
11:48 am
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Brenda
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Oh, is everyone referring to US, when they are talking about anger and defensiveness?
Well, I support you one hundred percent Hazza and am proud of you!
IT was not codependent to make your position clear, we were being talked about by Broc, as if we were idiots.That is completely unacceptable, we are in a position of vulnerability here, after revealing much of our personal life, feelings and needs. That was just unfair. We, at no point, ever put him down for the choices he made with Shannon.
HE has a certain style and point of view that he claims works for everyone, including us. If we feel his "advice/preaching" is NOT what works for us and for women in our situation,he gets angry. It is a sign of self worth and self trust to express our feelings on this personal matter, there certainly was codependency showing on his part with the trying to control others opinions and make himself right.
Anyways, it is important, as in any group situation, to speak from our own experiences and NOT give advice perse. It is for others to take and use what THEY feel will work for them.
They know themselves better than anyone else,it is also a sign of a good therapist to empower the person by NOT giving advic, but to help them find their own way. I do believe this will very much be the way of the future psycho/spiritual therapy. There is NO concrete road to take, everyone is a living, breathing, individual who comes from an individual background, with individual perspectives and individual needs. I believe it does a great disservice to the person/client to preach or teach otherwise.
Hazza, you have been of great help, and a steady intelligent voice for many people.You are an honest, kind and warm person who should never feel that you are less than....sweet soul.
I, for one, have certainly taken my OWN advice, and it is working miracles!
That is why I want to reach out and help others find what I have found.
I am sharing experiences that are realistic, workable, real and true for me. I know they could work for other women, like me.
When I see others basically shouting in the faces of others, get out and run to every relationship problem that comes alone, I, for one feel it is imp. to tell that person that it is NOT necessary to run, that sometimes more can be gained and LESS complications can be made if one stays. This is called "taking responsibility" there are of course different situations, all call for different action. Taking responsibility is the latter stage of healing and recovery, and the way to true empowerment and happiness.
I dont apologise for anything I wrote, I stand behind it one hundred percent, but I am sorry that others feel the site has taken on somewhat of a negative flavor because of this.
Sometimes, debate is healthy, just as arguing without personal attacking is healthy.
Unfortunately, there were some personal attacks, but I tried to keep to the subject matter, but I do believe I was guilty of some negative comments towards Broc, but I do call em like I see em, some people cant handle the truth....
It is imp. not to participate in the negativity but to pull away and owns one power. I did this.
Hazza did this.
Broc still took the time to get a dig in at the end..thats HIS stuff.
we left it...
so, anyways, onwards and upwards.
I, for one, have NEVER been happier in my relationship.
My husband is loving and kind to us.

He has a glass of wine a night, if that and stays home on fri nights to has dinner with me, talk, and nookie nookie.
I dont obssess over this marriage or him as much any more. I have begun doing work that really inspires me and is bringing in income of its own.
I am healthy physically and otherwise.
Wounds are healing.
I am rebuilding my relationship with my mother on new dynamics. My communication style has changed enough that even if I disagree with someone or feel disempowered, I do not lose my own power as much but choose to respond in ways that diffuse and create a win/win situation, and leave me feeling grounded and powerful. I just dont have so much resentment any more, I am taking care of myself.
I have let go of a lot of fears by confronting them slowly, and kept the exposure...thus diffusing them.
I, too, may not need to come here much any more.
I pray for the same for you Hazza and the rest of you. God bless

April 1, 2000
7:32 pm
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kay
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Thankyou Cici for pointing out what was happening. I found that I was visiting this site less and less and now I realise why, I was getting tired of reading people's stabs at one another. I have been visiting this site for over a year now under one or two names and it has helped me greatly. I guess that could be the reason why I keep coming back, my life has much improved in the past littly while. I hope everyone can get over thier differences, looks like that has started already thanks to Cici's good call. Kay.

April 5, 2000
11:00 am
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Brenda
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Its interesting when people heal and have positive things to say about their life, hardly any one has any comments or support.

April 5, 2000
11:47 am
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eve
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Hi Brenda, of course you are right: people with problems get more support than people who say that they solved a problem.

I think this is a reason for many of us to stay whith their problems: it is so familiar, and you get these nice supportive comments. Sorry, I'm being sarcastic....

Feel free to post: I'm healing and I work on my problems and it scares the .... out of me, because I don't yet know where I'm going. I think a lot of us here know this feeling.

Keep healing šŸ™‚

April 6, 2000
8:32 pm
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Brenda
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Thanks very much eve, I REALLY appreciate the support and kind words.

April 6, 2000
8:35 pm
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Brenda
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oh, I would also like to say, great job!! I know how far you have come, if you ever want to share ( one healing person to another ) please do, i am here to listen and share my experiences also.
It sometimes seems, if we are not on here with some major problems or dishing out advice, there is no need for us. I, for one, feel it is very important to receive support, assurance and friendship on the very difficult road of healing, non denial, courage and faith...god bless

April 7, 2000
7:48 am
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hazza
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Hey there Brenda!
How you doing? i think you are right, sometimes it would be nice to get support just for carrying on along the path to recovery.
SO, well done all of us!! we may have steps yet to take, but we have all made progress. lets party about that!!
how are things with you now Brenda?
and Eve and Kay and Jasmine and Cici? and hope? i know how you are because we are talking over on the other thread, but hi anyway!!!
take care all
Hazza

April 7, 2000
10:42 am
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lost soul
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You sounds so cheerful,hazza. Good! you have just"infected" me with your mood.
Do you know what? I am thinking of Karin at this moment. I have not hear from her for a long time. hope that everything is fine with her.

April 7, 2000
11:27 am
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hazza
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Ooh, me too, i was wondering how she is.
Hey Karin? you still around my friend?
I am glad i made you smile hope! we all need more of that!
Hazza

April 7, 2000
11:28 am
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Brenda
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I think Karin was having a dark night of the soul, out of which comes the greatest light, bless her.
Well, I am doing very well thanks Hazza, still a few probs, you remember those drinking buddies of my ex ( his employees ) well one of them was a violent character and left a threatening message on my answering machine, I guess he was getting worried cause my husband threatened to fire him and broke off their friendship ( my husband says he is dropping all negatives and negative people from his life ) so I called the cops, and this guy was arrested.
I am setting boundaries with everyone, it feels great!
So is hubby!!!
Remember I told you he used to go shooting with his buddies, well he sold his gun!!
NO MORE he said.
Oh, and my mom and I are reconnecting in a healthy and supportive way like never before.
So much so fast, I prayed for all of this and it has happened!
Prayer, faith, hope and a positve attitude is everything!
Oh, did I tell you, my husband brought me a half carat diamond ring in a white gold setting that he designed himself!!!
ITs soooooooooooooooooo beautiful.

April 7, 2000
4:26 pm
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hazza
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Brenda,
I am so happy for you! see you made this start, by setting your boundaries and being strong.
There will be ups and downs, but as we both know, this is different from the past where there was denial.
it is great that you are both making the effort. good for you for not taking crap anymore!!! we spend ages worrying don't we, but when we finally stand up tall it is easier than we imagined in some ways! the first step is always the hardest.
let us know more good news like this.
it helps to reinforce why we are doing it!
i still have to resist the urge to go back to letting things just happen, that is my nature, but when you try to take charge, things get better.
hugs
Hazza

April 10, 2000
11:42 am
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Cici
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Hey everyone. I was gone for a while because of the most awful flu God ever created, but now that I look over what everyone has written, I'm glad everything is a little more out in the open now. yippeeeeee!

April 10, 2000
1:00 pm
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hazza
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hi cici,
i too am glad that the judging has stopped, none of us can help anyone if we end up getting into debate over having to defend our choices or opinions.
none of us know it all but we can all offer our own thoughts. there is no point in any of us bickering about who is right or wrong, none of us pretend to be "right" just we say what we feel. most of us have always been able to disagree with others politely and still with respect. But the main point is to give the person asking questions many different views so that they can see if that enlightens them at all. it was never a contest!
But i think we have learned our lesson! I personally shall just ignore it if it happens again rather than make a boring thread for others! i just wont ignore direct insults!!
i am glad you have recovered from the flu! it is really horrible i had it a couple of weeks ago! UGH!
take care
Hazza

April 12, 2000
9:19 pm
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infaith
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check out the " there must be angels" thread by cerry, so great when people have wonderful things to say and are healing and growing and sharing this with us. Please go there and tell the site co to let us download her mp3 song, dont forget to cast your vote!

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