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what to do about feelings for the counselor?
August 28, 2001
12:18 am
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damaged
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Should I stay are should I go?

August 28, 2001
12:38 am
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gypsygirl
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I have struggled with the same problem? what exactly do you do about it? I wish I could help. If you say anything about it then you risk losing your counselor, but if you keep quiet then you struggle with these feelings. are you prepared to start over again with a new counselor? I think that it is quite normal for someone to have a bit of feelings for the counselor, but how much is normal and where do you draw the line? Isnt there a name for this?

August 28, 2001
10:05 am
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damaged
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I have never been normal and this whole deal is pissing me off. I kind of wish I would of never started counseling. However starting over with a new counselor is just out of the question. I am suprised I have stuck with this one as long as I have nothing against her just I don't usually finsh Sh%t I start. I know maybe some were in all of this I have something to learn. I just have figured that part out yet.

Damaged

August 28, 2001
12:48 pm
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Molly
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What feelings for the counselor do you have? Perhaps it is the lesson, to learn appropriate feelings, and to have some one help you sort out, just what is appropriate or not? I have had many a client say a) I need you, please don't ever leave me! that has been a topic of a few sessions. Its not that the counselor is out of line, or the client, but it is the counselors job to point out AGAIN, perhaps the dependency pattern of the client. Clinging again, perhaps the very thing that they needed counseling for but was under the surface of what ever it was that they thought they were seeking treatment for. Does that make sense to you?
Part of the growth process, part of the real problem, and the opportunity to identify it. It could be the reason people quit before they get to the end, a controll thing? Still maintaining the same ole same ole, for the natural sub concious comfort level, like sticking with a bad relationship due to the familiar, vs the unknown and change?
Just some tickler thoughts to see if that might be a possibility.

August 28, 2001
5:14 pm
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gypsygirl
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makes sense to me, thanks

August 28, 2001
6:43 pm
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damaged
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Oh I can tell you that my feelings are very not appropriate. I don't feel that I am dependent on her ,however I feel she is a very good counselor. I for one do not get close to anyone so I guess thats why I am having such a hard time with this. Why? Why her? I don't even know that much about her and I know she is off limits. So what is this Sh*t all about???

August 28, 2001
7:11 pm
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Molly
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maybe feeling heard for the first time, getting validated, a safe place, a sense of comfort, stirs all sorts of emotions and feelings.
If its sexual fantasies, well I blame that on programing, seems like every where everything is a sexual escape, and if you get the warm fuzzies, isn't that where modern day emotions tend to go, thus half the problems we get our selves into?
this could be an opportunity to learn to controll impulses, and learn different feelings for different relationships.

August 29, 2001
12:55 am
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counslr336
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I believe that what you are going thru with your counselor is a some times common ocurrence in a one-on-one counseling sessions. This is what is called in the counseling profession as "transferance". It is the feelings and thoughts the client has towards the counselor. Sometimes the client does not have a clear picture of the helper due much to the neutrality and objectivity of the counselor.The client is quite likely to PROJECT an imagined image about the therapist.The client has litererally TRANSFERED feelings and thoughts he or she has towards other people(mainly thoughts about parents or other loved ones)onto the therapist. Transferance needs to be identified and labeled. Some times counselors and therapists pick up this in the clients comments.Some will analize this transferance while others simply ignore them.

September 2, 2001
2:35 pm
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cloud
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see thread "counseling dependency".

September 2, 2001
6:19 pm
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damaged
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Thanks cloud but I am not dependent on my counselor. I just want to ask her out for a date.

Just a thought but you guys should start a counseling dependency part two or something.

September 2, 2001
11:01 pm
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madlyinluv
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hey i completely understand..i am going thru the same thing and i dont know what to do..i dont think its your typical transferancce as they say..i actually want to go out with this guy..i want to get to know him...im more confused because i get vibes from him too( i dont think its all in my head) he told me the other day that he wasnt married and asked me how i felt about it..its funny to me that weve discussed my feelings and tried to move on but everytime i want to move on he wants to discuss it..he asks me how i am feeling about him and what kinda dreams im haveing..this leads me to be confused because we have discussed it repeatedly and i thought we were past it..i understand to a certain point you have to discuss it but when do you let it go?? anybody have any suggestions im lost????

September 3, 2001
1:12 pm
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Molly
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it is the counselors responsibility, and ethics to just say no, draw the boundry line, and let it go, or let you go as a client.

September 3, 2001
4:53 pm
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damaged
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Molly I talked to my counselor about my feelings and she was very professional and talked to me about the ethic thing and I understand. However, I can't just turn off my feelings just like that. Yes she can let me go as a client but it still doesn't change the fact I still have to deal with the feelings. No matter were I go I take me and my feelings with me.

September 3, 2001
5:29 pm
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Molly
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Ever heard that old saying where ever you go there you are?
I know no time for jokes, but this could be a breakthrough situation for you.
Over the months that you have been posting you have related to many difficult situations in your growth process. One of the most difficult is the need, or want if you will for immediate gratifacation. You know that thing with patients, not the client type but the waiting for obtaining that which we want. I personally can turn a want into a need in less than .5 seconds. But learning that we can't always get what we want right now, or maybe even for ever is a learned process. Most with addictive behavior patterns, have the immediate gratifiacation syndrome. That is why they turn to self medication what ever the med is , be it love,sex, drug, food, yada yada yada. Spending is medication as well, I can't have what I really want what ever it is, so I'll get this to make me feel better.
Glad you brought up the subject, I am sure you made her/his day, no matter how professional she was. Since the counselor handled it in a professional way, as the client it is now your opportunity to process, and grow. Know that the counselor did not reject you, just processed your situation. Is it really any less or more than my wanting Val Kilmer, or Sean Connery, no.... but that is another subject entirely.

September 3, 2001
9:29 pm
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madlyinluv
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should you leave and find help elsewhere or chalk it up to an experience and move on..or typically will the therapist reccommend that you leave...

September 4, 2001
1:25 am
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damaged
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Molly I really liked what you had to say here. Can you talk to me alittle more about how I process and grow by all of this?

madlyinluv I think the only way she would ask me to leave is if I was to come on to her, however that is never going to happen.

September 4, 2001
5:25 pm
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Molly
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Damaged, look at your history, in a constructive way, not just all the shoulda woulda coulda thinking, but what you did in the past, and how does it relate to this situation.
What is going on positive in your life besides this counselor that you have possibly been obcessing over? How does this compare to other relationships? What was going on in your life when you went, knee deep into a relationship? Do you normally get what you want, with disregard to the cost or consequences?
I know I should go to the gym to work out, but its hot, and I have more excuses that Carter's has pills, so instead I go to the mall. I don't like the size of pants I wear, but hey there are some shoes on sale, hmmmmm you always need black shoes, oh, its to late to work out, but i have the shoes, tommorow, I'll go work out. gosh, there is more month at the end of my money, how do these credit cards never ever end up paid off, oh well, its only $20 . Hmmm i should go to the gym, and not spend so much money, oh-- a sale, I have to go check it out, sandles for next summer, 40% off, well what is another $50 debt?? To late to go to the mall, and besides my favorite show is on. Sure wish I was that size, oh well, pizza, sure, I'll eat pizza what is another few oz of fat. Go to the gym tommorow. that is instant gratifacation. You really want to be in shape but no diciplan, so instead, you eat and shop, get fatter and build up more debt, still not getting the exercise!!
He is cute, oh, he is looking my way, he wants my phone number. He calls and you go out Friday night, he makes you pay for dinner, and then wants to go to your house for a toss in the sack. You don't know a darn thing about this guy, but you go for the ride any way. he says he will call, and doesn't. You cry all day. He calls a week later, and you say yes, he picks you up, his car needs gas, you pay for it with your credit card, you go to his choice of restraunt, its fast food, because that is all the money he has, he wants to know if you want to share a joint when you get to your house, you say no, but its ok if you want to smoke it, you go for another toss in the sack, he says he will call, and its three days of the blues again, but you say yes when he does call. Your wondering why you did say yes, but that is immediate gratifacation.
All the goodies and no effort for the right things, so along comes a counselor, and you get a connected feeling, physical attraction, your head goes of into la la land, but she says thank you, but no.... its easier to want her, focus on her, she is there, and looks good, you want it, you have gone from want to need. Why?
The shoes went from want to need, the pizza went from want to need, the boyfriend went from want to need, the counselor has gone from want to need, I know that diciplan, with the diet, with the exercise and spending, and with the guy that was no good, perhaps diciplan, or boundrylines, could explain, but only you can respond to me about the counselor.
Its a shot in the dark here,but think and let me know what you get .
Sometimes all we get is the window shopping, vs actual obtainment, learning the difference is possibly the lesson. Or did you want me to share my need for Val Kilmer??????

September 5, 2001
12:26 am
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damaged
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Molly if you want to share your need for Val Kilmer I would be more than happy to listen.

Yes I can understand what you just said here. I want can turn into a need real fast. For now I don't feel I need my counselor, I feel I would like to want my counselor. Nevertheless I can also relate to what you said about immediate gratifacation. As a alcoholic I am used to having immediate gratifacation. The thing I am having a hard time with right now is why did I allow the feelings to develope knowing my counselor is not gay or that she can't hang with her clients? I have thought about it and I think its away of putting myself through more pain and no scares to hide. Maybe a poor me!!!!! I am not for sure. Yes I do have the alkie syndrome of I want what I want and when I want it, and when we alkies don't get what we want it drives us crazy. However, I am working hard on this problem and just living life one day at a time. I hope this feelings thing I am going through for my counselor is a growing and learning experience and also how to learn how to stay with in the boundrys emotional.

If someone would of ask me a month ago if I would be talking about this I would of said no way. It feels good to me to talk about this kind of thing. I had to keep secrets in side on me all my life.

September 5, 2001
2:24 pm
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Molly
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Val Kilmer and your counselor are sorta the same. I mean, I don't get to sit across from him and get distracted, but sure do envision sitting around with him on his ranch in New Mexico. Ah, he is probbally lousy in bed, or doesn't have a personality with out a script, or to vain, or is gay!!!! Rather than being rejected, I know I can't have him, I kill off the fantasy. In a way that is what you need to do with the counselor. Just like the cute guy or gal at the office, lookie, no touchie, just work buddies. Boundry lines, yours not theirs, emotional restrictions, appropriate feelings, lessons in appropriate gratifacation.
Seems to me like your getting it.
ya know Val baby is the only blonde guy that ever caught my eye, go figure.

September 6, 2001
2:44 pm
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damaged
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You know Val might be my neighbor.

Molly if you don't mind me asking you this, have you ever had a client be attracted to you that you know about?

Emotional restrictions. Hell I never had emotions before unless I was drinking and that was most of the time. This is a new one on me. Emotions and learning how to feel and cry is a hard one on me. Sometimes it is just easyier to cut and forget about everthing else. I also know I can't have my counselor and yes this is a good lession in appropriate gratifacation, but I still wish I could ask her out, go figure for me too.

September 7, 2001
1:36 pm
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Molly
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Oh, my God !!!! Do I have stories to share. Some of my oldtimers, and believe me, I had one that was 72 years old promised to set me up for life,and used to joke about how we were all lucky he was in prison for 35 years because he had 13 children before he got locked up!!!!
Then there was the guy that was still drunk while doing an intake, he was crying on and off, good looker to I might ad, and out of the clear blue, he got this look in his eye, now mind you he was referred by my husband, oh, your so beautiful, I just want to put my lips on yours for a second.
Then there was the lesbian couple that approached me for a threesome, then the one said, she'll never find out, wanting to cheat on her partner.
Then the lesbian that used to be as rude, as a construction worker in her cat calls and suggestions daily.
But the harder situations was where the client was truly emotionally dependent on me, where I knew that I was their life line to sanity. Where they were safe, and could always depend on me for clarity, refocus, and acceptance. that was so very much harder to work with than the sexual fantasies, that were easily dismissed and ended with a gentle humorous approach, to draw the boundry lines.
Its true that for the first time you may be experiencing emotions, nothing like a good bottle, or toke to numb it all out. But they get stuffed and stuffed and eventually get out there when sobriety takes place. You get a rush of emotions, similar to bi-polar, to much to handle all at once, the chemistry in the brain is all messed up too much serotinin, too little, bouncing back and forth. Once that all stabilizes if your strong enough to make it, which I guess is where you are, then starts the growing up process, which was detoured by the chemical abuse, the maturing process that some folks managed to do when they were in the teens and twenties. What ever age you started using, that is where you stopped the growing up process. Most of the population I worked with started heroin use around the age of 13-18 and were now any where from 38-72 with the emotional maturity of say 17. It all depends on when they started using, or self medicating, their emotional maturity age. Its tough to process all of this stuff which is why the relapse rate is so high, now don't take this information as permission to relapse. That is why I get angry at some of the clients, who would respond what do you expect from me I am an addict. Like the word its self gives them the excuse to never ever take responsibility for their actions. Once you learn something you can't unlearn it, but you can make different choices once you are aware.
You know what drinking, and what ever else you did to escape cost you, thus you know to do something different. Right now today you are doing different, and simply because it is different, it is difficult.
Simple things are hard for us humans to change, we are born creatures of habit. I don't care what it is, I have observed, and experimented with my self, it takes 21 days to break a habit.
When I worked at the clinic, I started eating fast food, and the pounds came on quick. So, for the first time in my life I went on a diet. I had my office across from the microwave where the staff heated up there eats during the day. I actually went through FAT withdrawls, I would joke with my clients about herion with drawls, well you just sit here and smell the fat that is cooking in that microwave all day, I swear I wanted to suck the napkins they used. Fantasized about ripping the food out of their hands, just give me the wrapper and let me suck the cheese. But it passed, and when I did give my self permission to eat one of those 70 grams of fat Big Fish Sandwiches, all I could taste was fat.
Like a coat of crisco on the inside of my mouth, then the stomach ache from digesting the fats,where it had once provided comfort. It only took 21 days. The strange thing about relapse is you pick up where you left off, not less, but usually more use. but as you can tell, I brain was my self on the evils of what I want to stop or change. Like crisco stopping the flow of blood in my veins and swear I can feel it, you know that sluggish feeling. Reinforced behavior modification. Brain washing.
The cutting for you is perhaps the one out let that you still give permission to do, but, that too is a choice, and when you get it that going for a run, does the same thing, your going to learn to process those feelings different. When you can't breath and your heart is pounding, and your legs ache, sweat dripping, well that just seems to me to be so much more dramatic than a cut??????????? But its good for you!!!!!! Glassner Theory, I think, positive addictions.
You would be a good canidate to study addictive behaviors, it always makes me go hummmmmmmmm how some can, and some can't and just what is the difference, but that is a different subject all together. Your just a human, and doing a good job, the more we learn about being human, the better we know ourselves.

September 10, 2001
1:22 am
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damaged
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Molly thanks for sharing all of this. It's was good the hear about your experience. I am at a point right now were I need to decide if I try and stick it out or if I need to move on. Nothing has ever come easy for me so I don't know why this would either. My feelings aren't about wanting sex like the lesbian couple did with you. If it was just about sex there is plenty of that out there. I have named it I just havn't labled it yet. Thanks again you have been very helpful to me. Damaged

September 10, 2001
1:11 pm
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Molly
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Got some inside new regarding Val, and not into fixer uppers, duh another fantasy down the drain.

I didn't mean to suggest that all of those were simply about sex, however it takes a splash of a connection and different people approach relational initiations in different ways.
You will come to terms with this, and will do what is right for you. All of this has been a great growth process for you.

September 11, 2001
1:25 am
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damaged
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Well today my counselor and I have decided that I should be referded to someone else. Not just about my fellings for her but other reasons also. In away I feel like I have failed at doing counseling even though I know that is not ture. It just really hurts right now and that is a feeling I don't like to feel. So here I am talking about how I hurt and how bad I hate it. I think if I don't talk about all this I will just start to brain f%%k myself how I did eveything wrong. Kind of like poor me!! However, I think what I am going to do about this is be sad a day or to and then get off my ass and learn something from this whole experience. I will miss her very much but hey what can I say, better go before I start crying and all that shi%. For now Damaged

September 11, 2001
11:48 am
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cloud
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Damaged, definitely let yourself be sad about this. I know it must hurt.

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