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What to deal with first and how with my therapist? Sininho
April 30, 2008
10:59 am
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Anonymous
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I´ve gone four times (every other week) to this cool alternative (transpersonal/quantic/shaman...) therapist hoping that I live more by my feelings than my mind. One hears so much about the power of thought over feelings. Ive done cognitive therapy (among a few others) so Im pretty watchful of my thoughts. And despite my blind faith on a higher level of being as the only way to continue existing and evolving, I try to justify all my behavior and actions rationally. My good heart and soul are usually buried by second guessing and hypervigilance of my feelings. Not so much from selfishness but the dysfnctional upbringing.

So far this therapy has reaffirmed some of the essential facts for my well being. I am reassured that who I am and what I´m here for is all but good if I only dare... I have been really brave at times and Im thinking that "fear" is more of a copout at this point. Yes, Im afraid of living, Im afraid of the unknown but that´s not really freezing me as I feel frozen.

Im performing below my potential, I have neck pains and depression very often, I live more poorly than usually lived in the past... and I haven´t had any relationship since my divorce in ´98. Not unusual since I didn´t have any signficant relationship before my marriage at 25.

My sis says that Im waiting for "something" to fall on my lap. Im pretty sure an expected inheritance will change some of my life barring any major unknown debt that comes with it. Im more concerned about my being bc I know nothing will fall on my lap in that regard.

I have a huntch that as a codependent, I am trying to let all chips fall (as if they ever would all fall) to see where I best fit in. As an aunt living next to a relative? As a depressed person always depending on someone for something? As a successful independent woman that I always wanted to be but alone? I realize I dont visualize myself as "having it all". At times I thought I had that but it was an illusion. My family (siblings and flies) is important to me. In the past the more independent I was the furthest I got from my family. Not that they were very supportive as I had a depression crisis here and there. But when you haven´t anybody else, its hard not to settle for "crums".

Any thoughts?

hugs

April 30, 2008
1:00 pm
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eve
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hugs to you.

If things with your family are difficult, I'd suggest that you define your boundaries, and try to stick to them.

For example you could babysit for a niece or grandchild once a week (if you want to), but not more often, and not on short notice. Or you could invite the older relatives every now and then for a day out, or for coffee and cake at your place, but not feel like you need to perform miracles.

And you could try to find friends, instead of a family, if your family is not really helpful for your wellbeing. It is difficult to find something, where you meet just the right people. I found some really nice people at a local theatre group. We don't even go onto a stage, we just try out things between each other. Maybe in autumn we will perform a fairy tale - at places for the elderly, and at kindergardens. This will be very much worthwhile.

Hugs to you, I'm sure you'll find just the place where you can feel free and independet, and needed at the same time. And congrats to you: I think you have a very fine sense of what could be good for you, use it!

April 30, 2008
1:02 pm
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alicenwonderland
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Dear sininho,
Yes, it is hard when you alone. I have been alone basically all my life-never married, no children, just a 27lb black and white kitty to keep me company so I truly know where you are coming from. I kept waiting for some type of devine intervention of sorts to fix all the thing I thought were wrong with me. I also live next door to my parents and am surrounded on all sides by extended family and even in the mists of all these people, I found myself still alone.

I felt exactly the way you do now until just recently and while being alone is still very difficult, I am finally realizing that until I love myself and I am enough by myself that I cannot have the positive relationships I crave with other people. Something that really helped me was to write down all the things that I saw as positives about myself which was really difficult because at the time, I didn't think that I had any positives. Then I asked the very few people I was close to write down a few things that they though were positive about me. I was really surprised by what they had to say and had much trouble believing it. Then I asked a few acquaintances to give me some feedback and low and behold they named much of the same things that the others had named. It helped me to start (and I do mean start) believing that I wasn't worthless. It will still take me a while to build a healthy self esteem, but even little steps are good steps and it sounds like you have already begun to take a few of these steps for yourself. Try and hang in there. I know it's hard to feel alone, but it sound like you sis cares for you and while she isn't the companionship relationship that you want right now, your not quite as alone as you feel. 🙂

April 30, 2008
2:02 pm
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red blonde
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(((((Sini)))))

I wrote this really long post - then deleted it all.

I am living alone, by choice, and going to a therapist. I think I am in - transition - from the old feeling thinking me who put all of my thoughts and feelings and actions (and probably my well-being) into someone else.

I sacrificed _________(fill in the blank) for the _________ (fill in the blank) of others and ended up with neither. I could fill the the blanks up with: 'myself' and 'love'
or 'self-worth' and 'approval' - I think you get the idea.

We have GOT to erase all those negative tapes instilled in us by our dysfunctional families and relationships!

We need to look INWARD and love and approve and validate ourselves and de-brainwash ourselves from thinking that it is selfish of us for doing so. It isn't easy...you know I have been struggling with this very same thing...it is damn hard to do so.

When do we start being responsible for our OWN happiness and not relying on someone else to make us happy?

April 30, 2008
7:19 pm
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(((Eve))) What fun and comraderie you must find in your theater group. Being able to show our piece for others in need must be gratifying. Yes, I definitely need to find my circle of friends, that in itself is always a support net. I need boundaries and I hope that they keep coming naturally for the most part as I get a life. Tks for your ideas. Hugs,

April 30, 2008
7:29 pm
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(((Alice))) Family seems to take us for granted, esp. if we are nearby, right? And many times they´re right on target. Learning to appreciate one another in my family has come at the expense of some bad times experirenced together. and that even seems like cumplicity sometimes. Great initiative of yours to have people help you realize your good points. I do discount mine often. But hearing them from people you respect makes it really valid, doesn´t it? You´re right about my fav sis, she´s not perfect but she´s a great friend. If it weren´t for her taking me in to share her family life, I´d have experienced very little of what being family by choice means. Tks! hugs,

April 30, 2008
7:39 pm
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(((Red)))

When do we start being responsible for our OWN happiness and not relying on someone else to make us happy?, you ask.

I guess when we move from codependence into interdependence? It´s hard though, when family thinks "why look for her? she´s the one who needs me". Can you believe that kind of reasoning in a family? Of course it´s not a spontaneous thought. Ive noticed those thinking like that have suffered a bit in the hands of relatives.

Better living alone with our cats! A few good friends are worth a ton of relatives. Im just not giving up on my siblings as I see that Im also an important reference for them. Life has ups and downs but they have been there the way they can.

Not to say I don´t need to make my own family even if its made up of friends. During many difficult situations the people that helped me were those next to me. Tks for reminding me. Hugs,

April 30, 2008
7:50 pm
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You all picked up very quick and well on my loneliness issue. Im thinking that if I haven´t been able to volunteer and attend church for the good of it leaving the bad (and the lip service), then maybe the circle of acquaintances with their pets at the square nearby is a start, so as the gym where people are really neat and some street neighbors.

What else and how should I work on? Should I go shaman or transpersonal or what?

TIA, hugs

April 30, 2008
11:19 pm
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red blonde
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((((Sini)))))

Since I am not quite sure what the 'transpersonal' or 'quantic' are and think that going 'Shaman' sound like a really interesting way to go...I would have to say 'Shaman'.

Otherwise, I hope you can give me your interpretation of all three and how they individually can help you.. theraputic-wise.

May 2, 2008
5:07 pm
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(((red)))

Very roughly, transpersonal is like a line of psychology, after behaviorism (train and change behavior) and cognitivism (train and change thoughts). Its more holistic bc it includes the person as a whole.

Quantum physics, I understand, proposes that we and the universe are one, all beings are interdependent. We are connected somehow as when you have good thoughts about anything and they materialize somehow.

Shamanism is based on the premise that the visible world is pervaded by invisible forces or spirits that affect the lives of the living.

hugs,

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