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What the @#$%
February 6, 2005
3:09 am
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SweetAmanda
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Okay so I'm a little weirded out right now. I know, it shouldn't be a problem or whatever. Gosh. I am so pissed at myself.

Why do I do stupid things when I am sitting here home alone and bored on Saturday nights?

Grrr. Anyways, I went to an old website that I used to visit. On this site there is a chat room. I went in there under a new name to see if I knew anyone, and to talk for a couple minutes.

I didn't have to sign up or anything. On this site you can just enter the chat and type in any name you want. So it wasn't like I was being 'stalky'.

Well low and behold I start talking with a kinda funny-stupid guy who is my age... We start to private message eachother. After a couple minutes he says that he thinks that we have talked before on there. I thought so too.

He is gay, and the last time we had talked, I had actually just 'met' someone on that very site from right where he was from whom was also gay. I thought, "why not hook them up?"

Anyways, he asked me if I still knew that guy's contact info. I don't.

Then I vaguely started to remember talking to this guy. We moved over to AIM, he sent me his picture, and I remembered. Then we laughed some.

Okay, then he said something about girls being gross. I started to tell him about how he is just like me ex (The one that I broke it off with on this past Halloween. Whom I am still having a problem getting completely arid of by the way!)

Anyways, he jumps in: "You mean SOSO?" (My ex before this last ex. Ah, so confusing!)

I said, "No." And I continued to type out my story.

Well, he typed out "I still talk to him you know." (First of all, I didn't know that he talked to him at all in the first place! But then again, when my heart was crushed, I was telling everyone, even people I didn't know to im him when he was online and to ask him why he did those things to me, etc.)

Anyways, this guy (the one that I am talking to now, the gay one) says: "He is really hot. He emailed me a pic of his dick too. He is hung."

Oh gosh. It's just that all of these year old feelings are coming back. Not that I like this old guy (SOSO) but that I feel like I have been duped. I feel like a stupid slut/hoe. I feel like trash.

I know I am too.

So what, did I turn SOSO gay?

When I asked the gay guy if my ex is gay now he said "SOSO thinks of sex like this: It's just a hole."

Just a hole? WTF? I loved him. God damn him to fucking hell!

Sorry.

And I’m sorry this is so long and confusing. But so are my thoughts. I thought I was over all this drama-shit.

I mean come on! A YEAR! How long will I have to live with this stuff?

February 6, 2005
3:17 am
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SweetAmanda
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And what's so mother fucking sad is that these past few days I have been thinking about my past relationships. Trying to pull some good out of them. The sad part is that SOSO's and mine relationship was about the healthiest one I have been in so far! How 'bout them apples? I was thinking about posting a thread about SOSO. All the good about him. Forget that now. When I got home I pulled out the few things that I did save from our relationship. The last gift he ever gave me was a Valentine's 2004 gift. It's a beautiful necklace. If I didn't love jewelry so much I would have my toilet eat it.

~Amanda~

February 6, 2005
3:30 am
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SweetAmanda
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LOL

One more thing.

Another reason that I feel so stupid is because when my ex and I were fighting back in October, (that's when I first joined this site!) well I did a bad thing.

We weren't broken up, only fighting, but I decided to call up SOSO and see if he wanted to hang out. Besides, when he broke things off with me last February he wanted to still be my friend (AKA. sex buddy). I thought that I was ready.

I called his cell and left a message. I got so nervous that I probably didn't make any sense (that's nothing new) but I started gushing about how I missed his voice (It is sexy) and about how I wanted to meet up with him sometime.

He had been iming me on the computer back in June - September bugging me all the time. I was 'in love' with someone new then and couldn't care less about him.

Anyways, that's why I think I feel duped. He never returned my call. He stopped iming me. I don't im or call him either. Should I?

I am honestly thinking about getting in touch with him to bitch his ass out. Just because I never could do that before. I was always crying everytime he had to leave me. I would have done anything for him to stay with me.

*Sarcastic laughter* I remember one time after SOSO and I broke up he said "Now Amanda you know that just because we have sex that doesn't mean that I love you, right?"

The bastard was talking DOWN to me! Like I was a child.

Of course, stupid me. I heard: "Amanda, if you do it good enough, and are sweet enough to me, if you show me that you won't be like how you were before, then I could so fall back in love with you."

So I just nodded and purred.

Grrr. I am so dumb!

February 6, 2005
5:54 am
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mamacinnamon
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Amanda,

Why are you so hard on yourself all the time? It was in the past. I know you feel duped. Not a good feeling to have. I so hate to see you put yourself thru so much pain. Stop looking back and let's look forward and see what you find. Maybe something really great. It's one of those things that you just say "how bout that" and move on. You are better than his level anyway.

February 6, 2005
9:25 am
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workinonit
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I agree with Mamac Amanda. Look back at your posts and look at them like someone else posted them. Don't get me wrong, pain is pain and I can feel yours but honey, this is high school and you are bigger than that!!

Why in the world would you think he might call you now that you know his situation? Maybe he feels funny too!

And did you turn him gay???? Likely not. That's kind of funny though, I would have thought that too! I tend to date guys who are more sensitive and lanky looking you know? Oh well, maybe it's because we are strong women!!! Be strong here and the bigger person.

Keep posting if you want to gete more of this off your chest.

February 6, 2005
9:40 am
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CAMER
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((Amanda)) be easy on yourself!!! you are such a sweet, kind, caring, uplifting gal!!! and don't let these words from these men ge tthe best of you. I think you know that when you were with your ex, he did love you, he just didn't treat you well. I know that he didn't use you either...he just wasn't sure of his life. And yes, it is the past. Time to look ahead, and know all that you have to offer.

I also agree with Workin, i don't think you turned him gay!!

Keep coming back and posting, and hope youre doing ok!

love, camer

February 6, 2005
9:42 am
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readyforachange
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Amanda...

Hugs to you, girl....but try not to beat yourself up about this. The past doesn't make you who you are, or what you are. Look at your future, and learn from mistakes you find you've made. What did you learn from this? Use it to make yourself a stronger person. Keep working on yourself, and to hell with the people who hurt you and use you. They don't deserve you! Take care of yourself.

February 6, 2005
11:45 am
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SweetAmanda
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Thanks everyone. I didn’t think I would get any responses. I love you all! (((Hugs)))

If I don't think about it I don't feel like I'm drowning in self-pity. LOL

I went to bed last night and had some weird dreams, but I'll be okay. You know what? I never have to see him again. I have been getting better. I'm *trying* not to pretend to be someone who I'm not so that a guy will like me.

And, I was also thinking... I know that I didn't turn him gay.

I'm glad I was able to come here and let it out though instead of trying to contact him! LOL I know I would have made a fool of myself. In fact, that's what my dream was about: I called my very first-ever boyfriend on the phone. I dunno why, maybe to see if he would take me back? He said no. (It was more than that, but I forget.) I know that he even refused sex from me! Then, in my dream after that I found some makeup on the floor. I picked it up and started to put it on my face. I covered up my entire face. I started with my neck, and worked my way up. I woke up before I got to my forehead.

What's weird is that I don't wear makeup. So to me this dream is obvious to me. I have been changing whom I am to cater to whomever I am with. When it doesn't work out I wonder why... The reason why is because (well one of the reasons) I get sick of wearing my mask, and as I start to take it off our differences as people begin to glare.

It becomes unbearable. Not fun anymore.

So instead of being alone I'd rather pretend and be with someone who isn't right for me.

That's not fair. I'm not only hurting myself; I'm hurting him. I don't want to be like that.

~Amanda~

February 6, 2005
1:56 pm
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on my way
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you are better'n this. stay away from that chat room. Wow how freaky, I would feel the same way though!!

February 6, 2005
2:07 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Amanda,

I wanted to share this w/ you. It was sent to me in an email. After reading it, reflect back and tell me why YOU cannot move on.

This story was told to me by my sister (not my sis, someone else's sis), whom it happened to.

She was really upset, she hadn't seen or spoken to her best
friend Jim in a couple of weeks, and he shows up at her door and
commands her to get dressed and go riding with him. So she
finally does.

As they were riding, they passed a garden full of flowers.

Jim says "Do you see those flowers?"

"Yes," she says.

"Do you think that when someone steps on those flowers that they
lie there and feel sorry for themselves?" Jim says.

"No."

"No, they immediately start to mend their wounds so they can
heal, and grow strong and healthy!"

They ride a little further and Jim points up in a tree,
"You see those squirrels up there?

Do you think that when people shoot at them they go hide
forever?"

"No," she says.

About that time the ocean comes into sight.

Jim says "You see that ocean out there?

Do you think that when there's a hurricane out there that the
ocean doesn't go back out because it's afraid to face the
storm?"

"No," she says.

"Then, why have you stopped living because you have been hurt?"

That story really hit me like a ton of bricks!
The worst part was the fact that Jim died a short time later.
And that's when she realized how much precious time she wasted.

Why have you stopped living because you have been hurt?

February 6, 2005
2:17 pm
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art angel
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Amanda-

I think you've realized something very important here- and that is awesome. I have had only one boyfriend and I wasn't true to myself in a couple issues during that relationship, and I regret it-- because I shouldn't have changed just to please him.

But, like the other ladies have said, the past is done. Over. So, we get to look toward the future and all that it may bring. Keep your chin up, girl and keep posting!

love,

art angel

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