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what the hell?
March 17, 2010
6:46 pm
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Anonymous
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I have been married for a few months now. For the last 3 months my husband has just been mean. Being disrespectful telling me to shut the *F* up and just two days ago he called me a *b*(female dog). He said that he should have never married me and that his family was right about me- saying that I am a lazy hood rat who just lays around all day doing nothing(mind you that he never even gets home before seven at night. Isnt that time to lay down). These things are completly untrue about me and my feelings are so hurt because he didnt act like this for the entire year we were together- yes we lived together too. I cried so much yesterday that when I went to talk to my spiritual counselor today she could tell I had been crying. He said he was sorry and didnt mean the things he said. He said he was just tired from working and he gets really cranky when he is tired. I dont know what to do. I cant let him continue hurting me. My spiritual counselors say that he is just unhappy with himself and needs someone to blame and I am the closest to him. He punched the dashboard in the car while we were arguing. I wonder if I am the next thing he will punch. He says he has never hit a woman but hell I dont know if he has ever treated a woman as bad as he is treating me now. I do not know what to do here. One of my counselors said to just leave him alone and see how it plays out. I dont know. What the hell am I supposed to do?

March 17, 2010
10:48 pm
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curious64
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I may not be the best person to advise you since I am still severing the ties with my toxic man, but, you are right that you should not have to be treated that way.

This man took vows to love, honor and respect you and he is breaking those vows. Maybe you could try marriage counseling, but if this behavior continues you may have to remove yourself from the toxic situation. Keep posting here and reading posts. There are a lot of wise people here who can give you some really sound advice. They have helped me more than I can say.

March 17, 2010
11:22 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Are there any recurring themes to your arguments?

March 17, 2010
11:38 pm
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Anonymous
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We just argue about him not calling me throughout the day just to make sure im alive and let me know he is ok. he gets mad because im mad and blows up at me when a simple call or text will solve everything.

March 17, 2010
11:41 pm
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Mugsie
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Even though he says he has never hit a woman, I'd be willing to bet he has thought about it. After 3 months and he is verbally abusive to you and violent with inanimate objects.... This guy sounds like he may be a time bomb waiting to go off.
Have you asked him to go to counseling with you?
Has he ever had any counseling at all?

March 17, 2010
11:52 pm
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Anonymous
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We went to counseling before we got married. When we had the argument he said he didnt want to go because he is frustrated with me and im too stupid and he has no patience for this. He said he wanted a divorce- but he said he just said all that stuff because he was upset and tired and he didnt mean it.

March 18, 2010
7:57 am
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saddoxie
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Why do you need for him to call you or text you through the day? I know I battled this and overcame it. Are you insecure about anytying? Also are there anymore things you fight about.

Plus he shouldn't be telling you that you are stupid.

March 18, 2010
8:04 am
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dudeguy
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you know, i was going to ask exacly what saddoxie has asked.
Are you possesive?

March 18, 2010
10:48 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Hm. That can be frustrating on both sides. If he has a stressful job, just one really minor thing from home can really make everything else come crashing down, feeding on itself. At the same time, what you're asking for seems so small in your eyes, yet so important.

What are you doing during the day yourself?

March 18, 2010
12:07 pm
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Anonymous
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I babysit two toddlers during the day, take Care of my household and my children. i do not think its too much to ask. I pay all the bills in the house and his jobs do not pay much he just does what he can And i Never Complain about that. I wouldnt have gotten so upset if he had not been on myspace that afternoon. he can get on the internet but he cant send me a text?

March 18, 2010
12:20 pm
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saddoxie
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I usually don't say much but I am not trying to be harsh here but why does he have to text you? So that you are reassured that he loves you still? yes he was on myspace but he was probably just doing this own thing. He probably does think about you and you guys are married so when he gets home from work and the weekends you will be together to talk and see each other.

March 18, 2010
1:40 pm
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Anonymous
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We are married and if its important to me then it should be important to him. I said it was small because its not something i would go to divorce court over but its still upsetting. He can do his own thing after he does what he needs to do for his wife. he cant put me off till later. Forgive me if i want to feel important to my husband. I do everything i can to make him feel important and i want the same in return. he used to do it he shouldnt stop now and whether im over reacting or not to him not calling me he definately Cant speak to me the way he did because i never disrespected him.

March 18, 2010
3:24 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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It does take two partners to make a dance, even if the dance is one of warfare. You have a part that you are playing in this also. You push, he pulls away or reacts angrily. You don't like it, so you push some more, and he reacts more severely.

(Note: violence towards objects or things and verbal abuse is NOT ok. I'm not excusing his inability to cope like an adult in response to your words.)

Is your goal to find harmony in your marriage, or to bend him to your will? One goal requires compromises and personal introspection on both your parts... the other goal lands you in divorce court.

This statement you wrote is unsettling: "He can do his own thing after he does what he needs to do for his wife."

Wow, that's really "my way or the high way", isn't it? Would you want to be married to someone who told you that?

I hear a lot of anger and upsetment coming through loud and clear, and you have every right to feel the way you do. However, the emotions are coming from within you and in how you are choosing to react to him. You can still be angry and upset, but still respond calmly to the situation. If you keep acting the way you are, you'll continue to get more of the same, and that's probably not what you want.

There are tons of books out there that describe this kind of dynamic between married partners. But essentially, all of them stress that it's a two-way street. A fight can't be had with just one person, right?

Your posts make it clear that you are trying desperately to control your husband, and he isn't having it. He's not reacting well to it, but that's his problem, not yours. (And no, caving to your will is not necessarily the appropriate response from him either.)

Rather than focusing on the texting, which you admit is not worth going to divorce court over, why not figure out what's really bugging you? Is it having to work in the home while he "gets away"? Picking up more of the bills? Feeling like he gets "me time" but you never get any until everyone else's needs are met? All of these things would piss me off if I were in your shoes! If my partner were to harp on me about not texting him, I'd withdraw completley out of spite. (Hey, I'm human, never said I was perfect!) But, if he came to me and said he was upset that I wasn't setting aside time for him, or that we were splitting household bills and duties appropriately, well, that would be a concrete problem we could work through.

Hoping that this alternate perspective helps in your processing.

March 19, 2010
10:03 pm
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atalose
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{{{{{{Is your goal to find harmony in your marriage, or to bend him to your will? One goal requires compromises and personal introspection on both your parts... the other goal lands you in divorce court. }}}}}}

Beautifully put onlyboringontheoutside…..it’s always great to have alternate perspectives…..thank you…

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 20, 2010
9:12 am
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gettnthere
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Ditto oboto...though would like to add that if your children are bearing witness to violent verbal outbursts between you and your husband they are being exposed to domestic violence and child abuse. If your kids are dependent on you both for emotional security and this aggressive behavior is in their face, it might be best that you both separated to keep some peace for the kids sake and then consider therapy. If he won't go, maybe go on your own. Moving out temporarily (either one of you) would hopefully reduce risks of potential violence. As well as model for your kids that violent behavior is never acceptable. Under any circumstances. If you have insecurities/abandonment issues, then your man can choose to walk into another room to calm down if it's too much for him. Not yell obscenities at you as if you are an animal. Threatening you with a phantom divorce is cruel and manipulative. That could encourage your neediness. It is probably virtually incomprehensible for either one of you to move out for a short period, but if only for your kids, it might be worth doing.... Good luck with it (())

March 20, 2010
12:49 pm
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fantas
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The verbal and destructive anger you are experiencing is not okay on any level. I do not think abusing is the way to address his frustration over you wanting him to call you during the day. I also do not think asking to be called once a day is too much to ask but he might feel a little stifled by the insistence.

I also feel like if he is hitting and verbally abusing you, he will hit you at some point. Keep going to counseling and know that you aren't responsible for his behavior.

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