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What the HELL is my problem?????
August 23, 2006
11:16 am
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Well, I did it again, why do I do this?
I started to see something that was not there, we had a nice conversation on the phone the other day so part of me thought there might be a chance for us in the future, not 100% but still a chance. Why do I do that? I know it is over between us forever but sometimes I get this sick delusion that something might spark in him and he might want me back. Why oh Why do I do that??????? I should hit myself over the head with a reality stick.

He sent me 4 emails last night, he responded to 1 that I forwarded to him telling me the email I sent was totally disgusting and he cant believe I sent him something like that, (it was disgusting but funny…)
2 of them were making sure I got them because he is trying to get a job with my company and wanted to see if I was able to receive a document he is trying to send to HR, in the email he asked me to call him if I get the document so I did, we talked for a while but it was different than the conversation we had on Sunday. AAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH I am in HELL right about now……..

The last Email was a response to an email that I replied to him giving him my new phone numbers and jokingly asking him to help me move this weekend
he has had migraines for about 2 weeks now, the MRI showed everything was OK so I am thinking it is stress, I am not a doctor but when I am under a lot of stress I get migraines, the emails are below, I deleted some personal info but you will get the point

this one is mine responding to an email he sent yesterday asking for my new number and asking how I am doing.

How is your head doing? I hope it goes away soon, (not your head, the
>migraines) I got migraines all the time when I was married to the point
>where half of my face went numb and my right arm wouldn't move, they
>thought I had a stroke but the X-Ray showed different, all I needed was
>a divorce and it went away, go figure huh....
>
>Maybe you have too much stress in your life right now????
>I know what you are thinking, Who ME???? STRESSED??? I am not stressed,
>my life is so calm and boring right now I have nothing to be stressed
>about...... But think about it, you are always so "freaking busy", quit
>doing everything for everyone else and do something for you.
>
>Oh yea, I almost forgot, can you help me move my heavy stuff to the
>storage shed this weekend? ......... LOL..... Just kidding, you would
>have said yes huh.... How about instead of that you take your butt to the
>spa and get an all over body massage and when you are done with that
>march yourself to the hot tub and relax with a beer then go back to
>your place crank the air, grab your Mickey blanket snuggle on your
>chair, or sofa and watch a movie.
>
>anyway, I will talk to you later.

Elle

This is his response to me.

Holy freak do you think you can bark any more thing for me to do this
weekend. I still am getting headaches but as not bad. My ears are still ringing,
they ring 24 hrs. a day 7 days a week. So I will help you if you really need
it although I might be helping my dad move first but then I can.

A massage I have no idea what one of them feels like. I almost went this
morning but I had to much to do at work. I hurt everywhere until about noon
then I started to feel a little better
Anyway talk to you soon.

What do you make of this?
One day he says he misses me and my kids and today he acts like I am annoying him, he asked me to call him so I did, he told me he was going sky diving in September, (something we were going to do together when we were still dating) I said that sounds like fun, good luck and you are a brave person because I don’t think I could do something like that, (I was a little braver when we were dating, for some reason that terrifies me today, ) he then said that I should go with him, I told him I cant afford it because I am saving my money to go on a cruse to Alaska…..
I miss him so bad right now I have a hole in my heart…..
It has been 2 months since we broke up, why am I still hurting?

August 23, 2006
12:18 pm
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StronginHim77
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Elle -

Sounds like you are having alot of difficulty, putting this man behind you and moving on with your life. We can't "fix" these broken relationships, even though acceptance can be so hard. The sooner you can face that it's OVER and quit calling/contacting him, the sooner you can deal with the pain and RECOVER. As long as you keep contacting him (for ANY reason), you are prolonging your own suffering.

- Strong

August 23, 2006
12:37 pm
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I must be a sick person, that is totally not what i wanted to hear, i was hoping someone would reply with something like, Hey elle, dont give up hope, he will want you back as soon as he works through his own emotional crap or something like that..
what world am i living in? I am not normally this strange, when i have had breakups in the past they were so easy to accept, why isnt this one as easy?
I just want to go home and crawl into a hole...

August 23, 2006
12:56 pm
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elle -

This man sounds very troubled, confused and unreliable. The way he changes his "tone" with you from email to email...sometimes, sounding annoyed that you contacted him. I would say he is major trouble and that you deserve better. You wrote above, "...I know that it is over between us forever." If that statement is true, why are you torturing yourself and prolonging the "agony" with all these emails to him, text messages, etc.? Time to ACCEPT the reality of your situation. The relationship is over, (probably for the best - he doesn't seem very nice), and now you need to take control of your life and initiate "No Contact" with this man. It is the only way to take back your power over the situation, instead of being a victim.

If you would like more information about the power of "No Contact," I will try to find the awesome posting from Sam's Site about it and paste it here to help you.

- Strong

August 23, 2006
1:05 pm
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I am probably prolinging the Agony because I dont want it to be over.. why dont I want it to be over???
Why would I want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me?
I have been alone for 3 years after my divorce, so why is it so hard this time?
is it because after 3 years of Nothing I finally had sex with someone who treated it with kindness not something I was obligated to give up and forced to do? he was so tender and loving.
I miss him but I also miss the sex...
how slutty does that sound?

August 23, 2006
1:13 pm
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Hi Elle~

You're not a 'sick' person. I read your post with sympathy- I could relate to the email you got back from him. I used to receive those same type of callous remarks from an ex as well. I remember how they hurt me and mystified me at the same time.

Strongs reply to you, although not what you 'wanted' to hear, was unfortunately more what you 'need' to hear. She is speaking from experience, believe me!!

I can relate to your post on many levels. I too found it almost impossible to let go of this particular 'ex'. To me (and to many others here) the relationship became an 'addiction'. The more they pulled away or treated us badly, the harder we tried. And to 'accept' the finality of the relationship felt like grieving a death of a loved one rather than just a simple break up and moving on.

It's hard, but you must tell yourself and BELIEVE that you deserve BETTER. That this person you are putting on a pedastal is an illusion you are creating.

I'm sure Strong will post some great information for you. You also might want to check out the "No Contact" thread. You will find alot of similar stories there... and people who are struggling with the same feelings you are.

August 23, 2006
1:42 pm
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Here goes - From Sam's Site

"Write down every rotten, embarassing, infuritating thing he ever did and refer to it whenever you start to miss him. Keep a copy in your purse, one by the phone, one by the computer, one at work, or anywhere there's a means for you to contact him again. Keep adding to this list as things occur to you (and they will). It will keep you angry, and happy that he is out of your life." "We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."

"He was so cruel to me. I just called him to tell him...." The opinions of society are brutal when a target states she's been abused and then she contacts her abuser, I can honestly tell you that such behaviour is viewed as utterly stupid, dangerous, ridiculous and silly to the outside world. It's glaring bad judgement. The courts see mutual pathology and friends and other people just roll their eyes, turn away in droves muttering 'she's as crazy as he is,' They'll assume she lied about his abuse in the first place. It's a huge factor in how they win."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He will look for your weak spots and keep going after them. If he can get you to talk he can reopen the door. If he can get you to answer the door, he can reopen the relationship. If you respond to a gift, he sees that as hopeful. If you answer his letters, he thinks he has a chance. Pathologicals read more into your reactions than normal men. "No Contact" is the only thing that begins to penetrate his resolve. How to Break Up with a Dangerous Man, Planning a Co-ordinated Exit to Reduce the Probability of Harm by Sandra L. Brown M.A. http://www.saferelationships.com/

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."

"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."

"No contact is the strongest statement I can make to him."

"NO CONTACT is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"

"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."

"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."

"Things he said to me when I was D&D'd are what made me begin the no contact...and I would have wasted all that I had established, for myself, if I ever contact him again. I have often been asked what I would do if he tried to re-establish contact with me. Up until a few days ago, I did not really have an answer. But, I have climbed up to another level and I know now that I would do exactly what is recommended...thanks, but no thanks. I am not the same person, I have nothing more to give to you, I know that you have absolutely nothing to give to me."

"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."

"There's something really ugly that can't go unsaid. You tell us he's been really horrible to you. Now, a couple of days later you say you're back talking to him. You'll find that people will discredit what you say if your actions and your words don't fit. Society's opinion is really harsh that way."

"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."

"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."

"Any contact you make can and will be used against you. Conduct yourself accordingly."

"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."

"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."

"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."

"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."

"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."

"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going round in their crazy circles."

"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No contact."

"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.

"Give it time. Use the power of silence."

"We're strongest with No Contact. It's idiot proof, requires no effort on our part. It is free of charge and if used according to directions is, 100% guaranteed."

"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."

"I had some good old-fashioned growing up to do. No Contact thrust me into that. That's when I really started to see things as they were." It'll be the best thing you every do for yourself."

"Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback" for me."

"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."

"Your healing "clock" starts when you remove your self from her completely. It is called NC."

"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."

"Were the Amish with their shunning on to something? I think so. It changes the whole dynamics of the relationship - the N is now on the asking end."

"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."

"The months of distance from him is what FINALLY helped me reach closure. Up close, I can't keep straight what is what. I fall right back into old habits, no matter how much therapy, etc. I have. From a distance, it's all crystal clear."

"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact rule. No contact works, but we need to give it a chance".

"The more time I stay in NC...the stronger I get."

NC is not for the faint of heart...you must be stronger than you ever thought possible. NC is for you not for the N...but eventually they get the message loud and clear. NC slowly gives you back your self-respect, self-worth, and self-esteem. NC is much less painful than keeping in contact with a verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive N. NC puts you in control. In time, the addiction to the N will lessen and you will find that they no longer control your thoughts, actions, or deeds. NC allows us to take responsibility for our actions. We now know about NPD, it is not curable, and they cannot and will not change. NC is our way of saying we know who and what they are and facing the facts that Ns are incapable of love, empathy, and joy and if given the chance they will hurt us again and again and again. NC is survival of the fittest and putting your love of self above the destructive nature of the N. NC breaks their cycle of abuse and allows us the time to grieve, to heal, and move on to a happier life, healthy relationships, and above all peace of mind.

"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for contact will pass." "Make a No Contact contract and write like mad in a journal. It really does get clearer and easier with time."

August 23, 2006
2:24 pm
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Wow....
how do you do the NC thing? do i hang up on him when he calls? or do i politely say, Hey, i gotta go, talk to you later?
that is going to kill me, but it sounds like something i need to do.
I hate hurting peoples feelings.

August 23, 2006
2:32 pm
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Strong

This is really helpful stuff! Thanks! I can use it for my own situation. P&L

August 23, 2006
2:32 pm
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I know this might be a little off subject... but if you're finding it hard to say good-bye try writing a good-bye letter. You don't have to give it to him, but sometimes it helps. I want ot quit my job and find something else, I've been there 6 years, I love, but I think it's time to move on... I've been struggling to leave for almost 2 years... my therapist reccommended I write down a good-bye letter, and it's helped a lot. I still haven't quit yet, but I was able to send my resume out to a few places.

In a way it will help you to put things into perspective.

~Mel~

August 23, 2006
5:31 pm
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I think a letter is a good start, he has never been mean to me or abused me in any way so writing a list of all the hurtfull things he has done is going to be very hard to do. the only thing i can come up with so far is he broke my heart and he doesnt want to be with me, i made a list like that with my xh, it was very helpful to look back on the list to remind me why i dont want to be with him.

August 23, 2006
5:59 pm
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My friend just called, she wants to set me up with a friend of hers, is this a good idea?
if we go out and hit it off how do i take it slow enough that i dont start to turn into the codep freak and make him run in the opposite direction?
dont have sex right off the bat is what i have heard, what is a good time to do that? (not saying i am going to with this guy, just wondering for any possible future relationship)if he says I love you 3 weeks into the relationship should i slam the door and run? (this has happened to me before) my father always told me that all men only want one thing from a woman, so stupid me thought that one thing is the only way i am going to get a guy to love me, in my adult life i know differently, there are nice guys out there, finding the right one is the problem.

August 23, 2006
6:06 pm
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elle. i am going through the same, though just starting week 4. i have not had contact (only inclass) but miss him soooo much and the sex, well, that goes without saying, it was grrrrreat! But we need to concentrate on moving forward and perhaps sometime soon, when ready we'll meet that great guy that is "normal". Go on the blind date and let us know how it goes!

August 23, 2006
6:16 pm
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Melpomene
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Elle,

Just take it slow, you will know if you're ready. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true, when my ex and I broke up, I never thought I'd be able to get back out there, it's been 5 mo, and we were together for just over 3 years... I went on a date about 3 weeks after the split, thinking I might be ready, and it turned out ot be a really nice time, but I cried myself to sleep that night. I was in no way ready for that step so soon. But I tried, just so I wouldn't end up becoming bitter or alone the rest of my life. I've gone on a few dates here and there with people, nothing serious tho, I know I'm not ready.

As for the sex. If it feels right, then go for it, but don't jump into too soon. You know your body, and you know your heart, listen to them and they will tell you when you're ready. If you just need a booty call then go for it, but just be sure you don't let your heart into it as well.

Good luck and have fun!

Mel

August 23, 2006
7:25 pm
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Elle,
I can relate to the addictive personality, and not wanting to let go, and not wanting to here Strongs reply, and wanting to hear e reply that you've
created" (I'm referring to the beginning of this thread...) but Strong had some incredible things to say. Which will help me too. Remeber the Stones song, "You can't always get what you want..."
Anyway, as far as the new set up goes, go for it and don't mention the other guy. There is some "fun" advice on dating on MSNBC's website at the Today show page.
Strong,
Wow! you are incredible! I'm new to this whole thread world and am learning a lot about the "power" of No Contact. Thank you!

August 24, 2006
10:36 am
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The guy my friend wanted to set me up with just showed up at my work yesterday, it was so strange, we talked for about 1/2 hour before I had to go home for the day, he was pretty nice, not my type but maybe it is time for a change in the kind of person I date, the only thing is he talks ALOT... it was hard to get a word in, for now he just wants someone to hang out with once in a while and go to a movie or dinner with, that sounds like a nice thing to me, I am not totally over my xbf so it would be pretty bad to jump into another relationship.
BTW... I have had no contact with the XBF for 20 hours now.. Yeah me....
I do have to mention it is killing me not to email him and ask how his head is feeling, I worry about other people way too much. he went to the ER for it twice so I am pretty worried but if something were to happen one of our friends would tell me, I hope...

August 24, 2006
3:38 pm
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elle -

Trust me. Your ex is just fine. And not your problem, anyway. If he goes to the hospital, he goes to the hospital. You are NOT the one who needs to race to his bedside.

I was floored by what you wrote here and wonder if you really READ your own writing:

"...he has never been mean to me or abused me in any way...the only thing i can come up with so far is he broke my heart and he doesnt want to be with me."

ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?!! He broke your heart. He doesn't want to be with you. HELLO??? Should we re-define "mean" and "abuse?" I read some of your earlier postings in which you detailed that unkind, downright irritated/mean tone he took with you on text messages. That is called "verbal abuse," my friend.

No. I guess we wouldn't want to hurt this sweetheart's little feelings, now would we? And do we know WHY? Because you want to leave an Open Door for him. You are nursing false hope that he will want you back.

Food for thought.

August 24, 2006
4:03 pm
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LOL...
I only laugh because you are so right....

why do people have to spell it out for me in crayon before i get it????

what a jerk.....

it is a good thing someone came up with this website or i would have emailed him this morning wondering how his poor little head is doing..

You are funny and blunt strong, i like and needed that.

August 24, 2006
9:29 pm
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"And this above all else, to thine own self be true."

August 25, 2006
11:52 am
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I was sitting at home last night thinking about what you said, and had to laugh, not a HA HA laugh but a how could i be so dumb laugh, it took me 11 years to leave my abusive xh, and to do what? go to another man that i fell in love with and beg for him to love me back... i promised myself i would never do that again...
Its over, my heart has closed this chapter of my life and i am going to move on, i am sure i will have set backs but i will never forget your words, thanks strong..

August 25, 2006
1:51 pm
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(((((((HUGS TO ELLE))))))))

Keep posting, my friend. We know how hard it is to initiate (and maintain) No Contact. Sometimes, you barely hang on, hour to hour, minute to minute when the painful memories hit. So, keep reaching out. We're here for you. Tell us when it hurts. Share your thoughts and feelings. Don't try and suffer through it alone.

- Strong

August 25, 2006
1:51 pm
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(((((((HUGS TO ELLE))))))))

Keep posting, my friend. We know how hard it is to initiate (and maintain) No Contact. Sometimes, you barely hang on, hour to hour, minute to minute when the painful memories hit. So, keep reaching out. We're here for you. Tell us when it hurts. Share your thoughts and feelings. Don't try and suffer through it alone.

- Strong

August 25, 2006
2:37 pm
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Not only the painful memories but the pain in life in general, last night was Hell, it is so hard not to pick up the phone right about now and call him to vent about my xh. he is such an ass to my kids

He FINALLY called the kids last night, they were so excited to get his call because they were starting to think he abandoned them, My oldest even told me last night on the way home from work that he isn’t planning on going to his dads house this weekend because he thinks his dad disappeared (he moved and changed his number) so he is trying to make plans for us to go to my friend house because he didn’t want to be home to think about it..

Anyway….

He went outside with the phone with a huge smile on his face because he was talking to his dad, 10 minutes later he came back in and gave the phone to his sister, she was just about jumping out of her skin with excitement to talk to him, My son came up to me with so much pain in his eyes it just about killed me, he said his dad cant come get them this weekend It has been a month since they have seen him, I tried to talk to him about it but he brushed it off, grabbed my cell and called his friend, about 5 minutes later My daughter came in with the same look and started crying, she wants to know why she is so upset about him not coming because he sucks as a father… all I could do was hold her and let her cry, My youngest is upset but in a different way, he has been taking it out on me, I finally had my dad go down and talk to him because he was yelling at me so bad..

What a total jerk…..

How can anyone do that to their kids?????

My daughter told me that she thinks her dad was crying because he missed them but she didn’t care, she said if he really missed us he would find a way to come see us. She is actually so upset right now she just called and told me she is sick, she feels like she is going to throw up.

I talked to their dad after my youngest did and told him I would take them to him or meet him half way in which ever is easier for him, it is about 2 hours from here to meet 1/2 way and 4 to drive them there, (he used to be 2 minutes away) he said that would be a huge help but not this weekend…. I also told him to call them more often because their hearts are breaking, everyone they love has moved away and we moved from their friends they need their dad, you know what he said,,,, get this…. I will try to work on doing that… TRY TO WORK ON THAT?????

WHAT AN ASS!!!!!!!!

He doesn’t deserve their love

August 25, 2006
3:58 pm
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ellehcim

Don't beat yourself up over it. It is not your fault. You can not change him.

If he wants to be an ass, let him be an ass. Your children will (or have) figure it out that he is that way -- unreliable, distant, uncommitted.

Make sure you do: tell your kids that you love them very very much, that none of this is their fault, tell them that they are wonderful and beautiful and talented, make sure that they don't think his abandonment is because of them...it is because of him, because he won't deal with life, because he won't deal with his responsibilities.

My father grew up without a father and with a very difficult mother. I don't know where he ever learned it, but he was exactly the opposite for us. He was always there...every game, every school event, every dinner, every vacation. I think somewhere inside him is a little boy that just really missed having a dad, and so he gave back to us what he so dearly wanted. Its the best gift he could ever have given my sisters and me.

Let your kids know they are loved, they they are not responsible for this and that they are wonderful kids. If you keep doing that, they will do wonderfully.

Its too bad they have to learn so young that some people are unreliable. And that they have to learn that from their own father.

Keep your chin up.

August 25, 2006
4:10 pm
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thank you for your words of support. I hope my love for my kids will be enough, My daughter just called me the 4th time so far today, she recieved a call from an aunt back east and feels a little better, My sister told her she was having a hard time so she called to cheer her up.
sweet huh.
My youngest is still throwing a fit, the older 2 are trying so hard to help him but he is having a hard time understanding, he is 7 but socially he is a 5 year old. poor kid has enough problems, I am going to have to stop the un packing for one night and spend some mommy time with him.

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