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What should I say to him?
June 11, 2006
9:19 am
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shyshy
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I want to break up with my boyfriend today but have no idea how to do it or what to even say to him.

I feel bad because he is down and out right now. He has no job and supposedly no one else to turn to but I just can't take it anymore.

I can't even begin to express the things that I have gone through with this man. We've been together for four years and it's been a really rocky and sometimes scary relationship.

I care for him but I know that I am not in love with him. I am scared to death too because just like him, he is all I've got right now.

Last night we went out dancing and had a few drinks and we had some fun. We get back to his place and all of a sudden he gets real quiet. Supposedly there was nothing wrong with him so he says. I make one little comment and he takes off from there about how I'm never there for him, he's always there for me and I don't do the same for him.......The last two days I spent cheuffering him around to run errands because his truck wasn't registered.

Anyway, I can go on an on forever about our sad pathetic relationship!! Bottom line is I have never broken up with anyone and have no idea what to say. Besides that, I feel like I may regret it later. Why? Because I have a house and two kids and no one to help me when I need certain things around the house done that I can't do myself.

Can someone help me out here?

June 11, 2006
10:42 am
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Jenni
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Hi, there, Shy. When you say it was sometimes scary, was he ever violent with you?

Breakups are difficult. Maybe you should just tell him, that at this stage of your life, you feel you need to take some time, and just focus on yourself and your children. If he is decent, he'll understand and respect that.

Just a thought. I wish you well with this. I know it's a tough one!

Take Care...

Jenni

June 11, 2006
10:49 am
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Robert123
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It sounds like you know what to say to him but are afraid of hurting his feelings. I heard this from a therapist once " How does this relationship serve you? ". It made me think...which I hadn't from that perspective. In truth, the relationship wasn't serving me.
I also like Dr. Phil's comment that he uses quite frequently " How is that working for you? ". Sometimes we need to think of what WE are getting from the relationship.
Good luck,
Robert

June 11, 2006
6:27 pm
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shyshy
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Hi, and thanks for responding. Jenni, yes he has been violent with me in the past. Hasn't been lately but that was the feeling I was getting last night when he started "expressing" himself. That if I didn't go home it would eventually end up escalating to that. He's the kind of guy that your damned if you do and your damned if you don't too because when he started "expressing" himself I immediately asked for clarification on what he was talking about and he said he just wanted me to listen. He claimes I always have an excuse or something to say yada yada yada so I sat quietly and just listened.

But, that wasn't good enough either because then I wasn't paying attention according to him. So then he wants feedback but would only get angrier if I said anything.

So, I got up and told him to avoid it getting any worse I was leaving and he didn't want me to leave. I left anyway. On my way down the stairs I heard him fling his bottled beer across the room.

So, then he calls me while I'm on the highway asking why I left etc. He calls me again a few times after I home asking me where I am. You get the idea?

Robert: Yes, I do feel sorry for him. Basically because he claims to love me and because he's down and out right now uneployed etc.

I also feel bad sometimes when I look at my house and see all the work he's done to it, all of which he says he didn't do for me. He likes the challenge and he likes to keep busy. But, he also hasn't finished any of it. He gets bored with it after a while so my house is a whole bunch of unfinished projects. He's saved me a ton of money but on the flip side it hasn't been cheap either. I have to feed him everyday he's over here working and provide him with unlimited alcohol which also isn't cheap so if I do the math I probably paid close to what I would have paid a hired person considering it took him months to do something it would take a hired company a week to do.

Anyway, I just feel bad because we've been dating for four years and no matter how bad it's been it's going to feel like a loss and I'm going to miss him.

He called me a few times today and I didn't answer. He left me a couple of messages upset at the fact that like always he can't contact me and that we didn't fight that he just expressed himself and now I'm doing precisely what he was complaining about the most. Me ignoring his calls. Which by the way I never do. He just thinks I do because he'll call and if I happen to miss his call and call him back he thinks I'm purposely ignoring it and just calling him back when I feel like it. Mind you, I never take more than a few minutes before I call him back. It's not like an hour goes by or something.

June 11, 2006
7:06 pm
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Jenni
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Wow, Shy. It sounds like you're in pretty deep with him. Were you the one, who posted about going out for a drink with your friend, and he was acting suspicious about it. Then called you from the highway, saying he was broke down? Just curious. Sorry if I'm confusing you with someone else.

Yes, it will feel like a loss, no matter what the circumstances are. But those feelings will lesson as time goes by. Each day gets a little easier.

I would be cautious, though. This is why I asked if he had ever been violent with you before. Because some violent people require a whole different angle when it comes to breaking up.

I would consider changing the locks on your doors and taking the neccessary precautions to protect yourself and your children. It's very difficult to do this when you feel sorry for someone, when they seem they are at their lowest point. BUT, it is HIS low point, not yours. HE owns that. And it's up to him to figure out a way to pull himself up, without your help.

And it doesn't sound like he mixes to well with alcohol. I'd be seriously considering that a huge red flag.

But just make sure, that even in the midst of making these changes, to allow yourself to feel ALL of the emotions that go along with it. Grief, sorrow, sadness and heartache. The more you let yourself feel these things, the sooner it will be out of your system, and the real healing begins.

Take care, and keep us posted, here. (((ShyShy)))

Jen

June 12, 2006
1:28 am
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crazycathy
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I just wanted to add my thoughts, even if it isn't too much of a different angle. As I was reading your story I just had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. So many women get into a relationship with someone who is bad for them but the women convince themselves that they are meant to save this man. It is not your job to save him. He made his mess and it is his job to clean it up. Don't you teach your children to clean up after themselves? Practice what you preach and step away from this man before you get any deeper into the pile of mud.

I realize that there are some good attributes to having him around, which is why you are having such a hard time saying goodbye. But if you have to, just focus on the negative to get through it. A year from now you will look back and be so glad you did.

June 12, 2006
3:47 pm
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smarterone
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Sounds to me that you feel bad for him and have the fear of what will happen. I am not good at this either. You will know when it is the right time,in the meantime start dong things like changing locks. Anything in his name? Cant think of much, just be careful.

June 12, 2006
5:38 pm
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shyshy
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Hi, thanks everyone for your feedback. Jenni, yes I am the one who posted about going out for drinks with a friend and him calling about breaking down on the highway. He casually admitted later that it wasn't the highway he broke down at, it was a block away from his house. That evening he called me more than 40 times!!!

Luckily, I've never given him a key to the house and he doesn't live with me so I won't have to change the locks. I just have to make sure that all my locks are on when I go to bed at night. And even then, he has been violent but only during some really heated arguments. I don't think he's the type to come after me just because he's hurting.

Anyway, I haven't spoken to him yet. After about ten calls yesterday he finally stopped calling me. I think I will call him later on tonight before I go to bed and telling him we need to talk. He's probably going to want to talk in person and that would be the more expected way of doing it but being that he can get violent I'm not breaking up with him in person. I'm doing it over the phone.

I think I'm just going to tell him that we are not compatible enough to make this work and we are both unhappy the way things are going right now and that we shouldn't continue seeing each other.

June 12, 2006
7:52 pm
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Jenni
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Shy, if you feel you must speak with him in person, could you do it in public? So at least there will be people around, should it get too heated. I don't know if meeting him in person is a good idea, even to just talk. I'm sure he'll pick up on where the conversation is going, which will surely lead to a confrontation.

Also, I don't know if there is ever a right time. I always waited just for the right moment, which never seemed to arrive. Or worse yet, the "real" right moments were always right there in front of me, but I didn't ever consider it a good time. So just prepare yourself for whatever outcome this could bring, and be safe!

Let us know how it goes. Our thoughts are with you, Shy!

Jen

June 13, 2006
5:14 pm
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shyshy
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Hi Jen: I called him last night and he started off by saying "It's nice to hear from you" in a sarcastic way. I told him I just called to let him know the lady next door gave me some information for him regarding the table saw he had an interest in and asked him what he was up to. He was talking with his son who lives with him. He commented some on the table saw and then asked me if he was going to hear from me more often. I told him "I guess so". He then said he wanted to come over my house today and do some work on a car I have in my garage. (He borrowed my tires from it over a year ago for his car and hasn't brought them back).

Anyway, I said that was fine and he said he missed me. I mumbled that I missed him too and he says that just because he says he misses me doesn't mean he's not mad at me anymore. I just thought "whatever" and then just said "same here".

He never did come by and he hasn't called me all day which basically tells me he's trying to manipulate me. He's probably mad at the fact that I am not calling him and that's why he didn't show up. All good because whether he does it now or later he's going to do it because they are MY tires!!

Anyway, I don't know whether I should bother to call him and get closure or pretend he doesn't exist.

June 13, 2006
8:47 pm
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Jenni
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Hey, Shy. I think I would write off the tires, and just cut the ties. It seems that he is trying to set you up, to react to him in the way he wishes for you to. Just by saying he missed you, in order for you to say it back to him, THEN for him to come back with his reply about still being mad at you.

It kind of seems as though, since he got the responses he wanted, that he became comfortable enough to blow YOU off, sort of like a payback. Trying again, to take control. Sounds a little passive/aggressive.

Anyway, Shy, I'm not trying to sound negative about this. I just truly feel he is game playing, and maybe if you were a bit more blunt about what you want to do with this, you may get better results.

Just my take here, and I truly do wish you the best! (((SHY)))

Jen

June 13, 2006
9:46 pm
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shyshy
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Jen: I know for a fact that he's playing games. I just never really looked at it like you said and it makes a whole lot of sense. Usually when he tells me he misses me I tend to believe him but I see what you mean now. Wow!

What an a$$hole!! He IS very controlling too.

I can't write off the tires. I paid too much into this car to just let it go. I would have to purchase some new tires (for an old car I don't drive) and get someone over here to put them on for me. This is also a car that I bought from HIM that has a looooonggggg story attached to IT too!! Some day I'll share it with you. Basically, he screwed me big time with it!!

Anyway, we'll see what happens. I'll fill you in after he calls me because I'm sure as hell not calling him. I have no problem pretending he doesn't exist!!

June 13, 2006
9:53 pm
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shyshy
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Jen: I just went on the internet and read about passive aggresive behavior and it described my bf exactly! I'm amazed!! I always just thought he was a psycho!!

Thanks! I'm done with his manipulative controlling BS!!

June 13, 2006
9:54 pm
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Jenni
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Hey, Shy! I'm sensing that these thoughts have sparked some anger. This is GOOD! Anger can be an awesome motivator! As long as it does not become illegal! LOL!

Ok, Honey, we'll be awaiting your update with this. DON'T let him BAIT YOU! Stay alert!

Good luck...

Jen

June 13, 2006
10:00 pm
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shyshy
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Jen: My biggest problem is loneliness on the weekends when my kids go with their dad. I was outside earlier today enjoying the sun and eating my dinner and thought about how lonely I will be on Saturday if I don't find someone to hang out with. I pictured myself in my bedroom watching a movie and sad at the fact that I could be with him and thinking that I would probably end up going out alone and then ending up at his place.

UNTIL.......I thought about how I spent last Saturday!! Then I figured, I'd rather be lonely!!

Thanks for your input. I'm going to watch the tube for a bit now and then go to bed. I'll update you tomorrow and let you know if he's called. 🙂

June 13, 2006
10:01 pm
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Jenni
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I have recently been reading up on passive/aggression, because someone once told me that my x fiancee fit that description. I never did understand what that meant. I finally looked it up, and OMG, YES, it fits him almost to a TEE!! Kind of scary, huh?

But it has helped me to understand that our problems weren't all about me, or what I could have done to change it. I'm a "fixer" by nature, and it's this quality that I've been working on. Acceptance of the things I can NOT change.

June 13, 2006
10:05 pm
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Jenni
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We're cross posting, here, Shy. lol!

Have a great night, and we'll chat again soon! Let us know how it goes!

Sweet dreams...

Jen

June 14, 2006
5:54 pm
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shyshy
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Hi Jen: He called me today to ask me if I could call this lady that wanted some work done and to ask me if the car I got from my ex husband had wheel locks. Again I thought, "maybe he's planning on coming over today" I just told him I didn't know about the wheel locks and I didn't have the lady's number.

That was the end of that conversation. Haven't heard from him again.

June 14, 2006
7:51 pm
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Jenni
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Hey, Shy. Well, sounds like the conversation pretty much stuck to buisness. This is good.

Is he the just "pop in at anytime" kind of guy? I hate unexpected pop-ins! Especially if it is from someone who isn't welcome.

Hopefully you will be able to clear things up with him, and to set the record straight on where the two of you stand. Unless you have changed your mind. (it happens...) Are you still wishing to split up with him?

Hang in there. I know how badly this truly bites! You'll get there!

Jen

June 14, 2006
8:20 pm
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shyshy
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Jen: He called me again and put his grandson on the phone. Supposedly his grandson was asking about my dog. He then asked me if I was home could I go outside and check the car for the wheel locks. Which I did and gave him the info and again that was that.

Yes, I do still wish to split up with him. My only concern is that in the past he has acted like this and he just assumes that we are just beefing and eventually everything will be back to normal. Usually he gives me a hug and a kiss and things go back to same ole same ole.

I don't want it to this time but I have no idea what to do. If I should just let it go till that moment comes or if I should call him and get closure.

I don't know why I am having such a hard time just picking up the phone and telling him it's over.

June 14, 2006
9:28 pm
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Jenni
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Shy, You're having a hard time, because you have a heart, and you're sensitive to the feelings of others. It's NOT easy to tell someone something, that you KNOW they will not like. You don't wish to hurt anyone.

So you need to apply this sensitive nature to yourself. You don't deserve to feel the things you are feeling, anymore than anyone else does. YOU are the one who has to live YOUR life, forever. We all have to live with our choices, no matter what that may be.

This isn't a small decision you have made, and it doesn't impact your life, "just a little". It's something that directly effects you and your life. So even though you may feel some guilt or pity for him, there really is no need to. If you don't stand up for the way you choose to live, no one else will.

It's not as simple as picking up the phone and saying to him, "Hey, my tires have those locks, and by the way, WE'RE DONE!"

Maybe you could just tell him that you feel you need to let him know a few things that are going on inside of you, and you're thinking you might need to be alone, for now, to get it all together. Just a thought.

Anyway, I seem to be going into one of my "ramble" sessions, here. Keep posting, and be safe!

Jen

June 15, 2006
5:28 pm
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shyshy
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Jen: He called me once today and asked what I was doing after work. I told him that I have my daughter's play to go to today but that if he was planning on coming by and working on the car that the backdoor was open. He said he wanted to see me. I just said, "well, I'll be home between 5 and 6.

That was that. He didn't call back.

I think maybe I will call him later on tonight when I get home from the play and have a little talk with him because if I don't I know he'll probably call me tomorrow thinking that we will be spending time together this weekend.

Wish me luck and I'll fill you in tomorrow.

June 15, 2006
8:11 pm
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Jenni
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Good luck, Shy! Stand your ground and be strong! These are the types of moments where we feel weak, so just keep that in mind, and pinch yourself anytime you're about to say, "I don't know", or "maybe", or anything else that would encourage him to continue with this.

I'll be thinking of you. Let me know how it goes. Be safe!

Jen

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