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What should I say and do now?
March 9, 2010
10:48 am
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majik
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This is my first time on here. I've been living with a cocaine addict for who knows how long because he's lied to me again and again. He admitted to it a few months ago when by all evidence he could no longer deny it. I tried getting him into counseling but that only lasted 3 sessions. I finally left when things spiralled out of control monetarily (he spent our savings, mortgage payment, food monies). For over a month he says he has tried to get clean himself while blaming me for leaving him. Now he says he's calling a Psychiatrist who specializes in drug treatment. He expects me to now come back and support him. I don't think I want to come back, now or maybe even ever. What do I say to him that won't give him reason to not go forth with the treatment?

March 9, 2010
11:21 am
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dudeguy
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Hi Majik,

Welcome. This person has being telling you untures over and over yet you seem to be taking him in each time. Now if yhings are through let him be tratment or no treatment.

I know that comes off cold but if you are done your re done let him worry about himself instead of believing his lies about changing?

Do you think living with an addict could have affected you emotionally in any way? Do you know that codependency was first dignosed in lives of people living with addicts?

March 9, 2010
11:34 am
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atalose
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majik,

Welcome!!! I ‘m glad you have gotten yourself away from that unhealthy situation and very glad you came here for yourself!!!!!

First and for most, you need to understand that YOU or anyone else has the power to make an active addict stop using. No words you can say or not say will make or break his addiction and seeking treatment.

Truth is if an addict truly wanted to get clean they would. They would move heaven and earth to do what it takes whether that be rehab, meetings, ect. ect.

What he’s doing is typical addict manipulation, saying things that sound good so you’ll come back, then putting the blame of HIS ADDICTION on you if you don’t.

So your thinking of saying the wrong thing to him will deter him from seeking treatment is bull shit, you don’t have that kind of power, none of us do.

Him getting clean has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with if he truely wants to or not.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 9, 2010
11:37 am
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haythere
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Welcome Majik

Words, words, words, words. He been saying them to you for years. Don't listen to them anymore. Actions speak for themselves. If he is sincere about getting help, being in recovery then thats what he will do, with or without you.

If you go back, nothing will change for you or for him. You can't change him, your presence in his life won't change him. Only he can do that. Just walk away. I know, much easier said than done.

What words do you use to tell him this? As few as possible. Because what will happen is, he will blame you for not coming back and supporting him. Its what addicts do to keep their enablers around. Guilt.
They blame everyone but themselves. Again words, words, words, words. If you stay away, you won't have to hear them from him anymore.

Work on yourself and why you stayed with him for so long. Atalose, another poster here has a great quote about addicts and how they are not capable of loving anyone because they don't love themselves. They use anyone and everyone to get what they want.....remember this if you feel you maybe weakening.

Good luck to you and take care of yourself. Keep posting!

March 9, 2010
11:50 am
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Martin Eden
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Hi Majik,

Good for you for taking some steps to protect yourself. Everyone above has great things to say.

Sounds like you have been on the receiving end of typical addict bull shit- to quote atalose. They can't help it. Take care of yourself and pratice detachment; they will grind you up only if YOU let them.

March 9, 2010
11:58 am
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atalose
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What I meant to say was “YOU or anyone else DOES NOT have the power to make an active addict stop using.

Sorry, and sorry if I sounded harsh, didn’t mean to just pointing out a reality.

I also think it’s good you are NOT considering going back especially now. Maybe if he truly does want recovery and works a very strong program then maybe there is a chance for the two of you some where down the road, but it pretty much comes down to his wanting to clean, without that……it’s just gonna be the same over and over again.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 9, 2010
12:04 pm
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majik
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Wow! Thank you so much for your support. All you have said makes so much sense. The one thing I forgot to mention, though, is that we've been married for 6 years and have an 18 mo old son. That has a tendancy to complicate the situation. I want him to have a "whole" daddy.

March 9, 2010
1:00 pm
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haythere
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Of course that makes it more complicated. You say you want him to have a "whole daddy". Your son deserves to have his daddy whole and healthy.

But the only one that's going to be able to do that is his daddy. You can't fix it for him. This is your husband's addiction and his problem to fix. How many years has he been denying there is a problem?

Sincerely, I believe in marriage vows, I've been married for 28 years. But it takes 2 people to make a marriage. Right now your husband is married to his addiction and it will always come first until he gets help. No matter what he may say. And addicts usually have to lose everything to see that they need to do something about their problem.

I think what Atalose said about not going back right now, waiting to see if he really works hard at a program and then consider your future together is on target. Some programs will include family members. The last rehab my son was in (he is an addict) had family therapy sessions and that would definitely be something to consider participating in.

If you go back now, when he has done no program, no work on his addiction, he will not change, he won't have to.

My heart goes out to you and your son. Its got to be incredible difficult.

March 9, 2010
1:09 pm
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atalose
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majik,

It really comes down too, does your husband want to be a “whole” daddy or continue to be an active drug addict?

Often we can base someone’s history on their past history, he did the counseling thing only lasted 3 sessions, what’s going to be different this time?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 16, 2010
1:18 am
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bblue
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I asked the same questions - what could I do - what could his friends do -

nothing

My actual answer is be honest with yourself and with him - they will only get help when and if they want to.

Sucks but true

BBlue

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