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what on earth am I doing writing this?!!
October 13, 1999
12:02 pm
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stella
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I know I have some problems with myself but I don't know if I am just creating them all or if they are real. I know that there must be something wrong or I wouldn't feel this down and my doctor wouldn't have referred me for counselling but I don't know if they are all my fault. Because of who I am. I just know that I can't cope feeling like this anymore. I can't handle my feelings - I get to the point where I just go into a rage with myself and want to hurt myself (and often, as today, I do). I am scared of myself and scared I will never feel "right". I feel like I am worth nothing and after having felt like this for the majority of my life/as long as I can remember I don't know how to stop. Everyday life just feels so hard. To go and have a coffee with my housemate it takes me an hour to syke myself up first. I don't know what I have done or what it is about me that is so defunct.
Basically being bullied at school whrn I was a teenager meant that I had absolutely no friends at school, and the people who did it were supposed to be my friends. I know all the stuff like - they were only young, people do stuff like that outnof their own insecurities blah blah blah but that doesn't change the fact that it has stopped me from being able to form any sort of friendships where I don't feel completely inferior, that they don't really want to be spending any time with me, that OI have nothing of any consquence to say, that I am boring and uninteresting, that if there was something bettwer to do then they would be doing it like a shot, that its always me that has to do all the calling, that I never get asked out anywhere or if I do its an afterthought or I am last on the list. It even feels true with my boyfriend who I love dearly, amnd loves me. Maybe i am just one of life's self induced "victims" but how do I change that? I am tryiong to start a new life and become a teacher but how can I do that and take responsibility for those kids when I can't even do so in my own life?! I am just so fed up with it all. I fond it so hard to ask for help but I feel so lonely - I just want someone that understands or tell me that, yes, it is my own fault, or to tell me how to do it. I know its only me who can provide the answers but I don't think I can do it. Why? What is it that is so wrong with me? Why is everything so hard, to the point of ridiculous?

October 13, 1999
12:07 pm
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stella
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PS - I am no expecting anyone to reply to this - so don't feel as though you have to read all that bumph - it just felt good to get it off my chest I guess

October 13, 1999
12:46 pm
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AlDog
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Stella, I don't think that you are alone in this. I found it interesting about psyching yourself up to have coffee with a housemate. Or being boring and uniteresting...Boy, can I relate to that. I say this now cuz I feel so much better, but for years of my life waking up each morning was the hardest thing to do. I can still remember the feelings of stress, loneliness and despair that I had each morning when I would shower and get ready for the day. Going out to dinner with a bunch of girlfriends was a nightmare. Everyone was so happy and laughing and accomplishing so much in life and love. Not me, I felt so alone and misunderstood. It truly sucked. I cried all the time, but most of all I just felt removed and I had no energy to get myself out of my slump. Nothing I could do would change what I felt about myself. Well, I'm so much better now....not to sound preachy or religious....but I am....For the first time I feel free and happy and secure. I no longer obsess about my feelings of inadequecy but am free to enjoy life. I know that I am nothing without Jesus. I am a dirty, sinfull,lost soul with out Jesus' love. But that is the great part too. It is so comforting to know that othters feel lost and lonely too and they found God and He loves all of us...even though we have faults. Even though I have hated myself, God didn't. I understand more now. I realize that I am still the same person as I was before, but that I am loved. If God can love me so can I. The other thing is that I have stopped stressing about how messed up I am and have come to realize that that is what makes me me and has brought me to the place where I am. I feel so greatful that I can see myself as messed up and alone and I see that I need God. I can't do this 'living' thing on my own. I need God's help. But, Stella, all people need God, but some people are too dense to see it. You see it. You see how hard it is to live. God wants everyone to see that. When I read your note I thought, "how wonderful for Stella, she realizes that life is hard, the world is hurtful, and that there has to be love somewhere." You are half way there! I am so proud of you for being in touch with yourself. So many people go thru life blindly, chasing after anything but never realizing their depravity without the love of God and faith that Jesus loves us and died for us so that we can have a loving relationship with him. He offers purpose, a plan, love, hope and confidence.

October 13, 1999
4:59 pm
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Jaskid
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Stella,

You are definitely suffering from a severe depression,
all that has happened in your life has brought you to this point? I have been fighting my emotions for so long now... I think your mind is saying enough is enough, I can't take one more day...And you have started to realize that you need to change some things.
Go to a counselor, maybe even get on some medicine so you can start feeling better about yourself... this will not go away... it will take every ounce in you to fight it, ask God to help you, then continue no matter how hard it hurts to become a stronger person. This roller coaster that you are on probably is a forever ride, but hopefully the hills and twists and turns will get smaller and slower so you can handle them...

Jaskid

October 13, 1999
5:58 pm
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nikihish
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hi stella, i would like to say that i feel the exact same way as you. the only difference is that i am 17. i came to this spot to get everything that i was feeling off my chest too. i have found that people responding has helped me understand that i am not alone and that there are those who do care. i was made fun of constantly until my sophmore year. i have no one to really call my friend because i feel like i do not belong, they are all so happy and i feel as if there is something wrong with me. i am a senior now and have become greatly stressed. i need someone to talk to and no one is there. i cry all the time. i am slowly finding peace within myself but still get down when around those who say they are my friend but really don't care. i would love to get rid of these feelings because i am making myself sick. my teachers all tell me, along with the counselor, that i need to go and see a psyiciatrist. i'm sorry for writing all this and i know you were looking for answers, and i hope you find them, because then you can give them to me. God is with you and i hope things look up for you. Love always. keep your chin up!!!

October 13, 1999
9:41 pm
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Sherri
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Stella,

I know it's tough. Sometimes you feel like the very air is being sucked out of your lungs, or a giant weight is resting upon your chest. But I think it's also important to focus as much as possible on the positive things in life. There is always something good to find if you only look hard enough. When I get down or feel too much pity for myself, I try to remember the people who are worse off than me. The people who are living on the streets, often without food, clothes, or even friends. There's always someone worse off than yourself, as hard as it may be to believe. I think volunteer work may help you; by helping others, you can find a greater sense of self worth. Hope this helps some. Good luck.

October 13, 1999
10:23 pm
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Anonymous
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dEAR nik YOU ARE AN ANGEL. i BELIEVE YOU ARE GOING TO DO GREAT, I FEEL IT IN MY HEART, keep writing young one!

October 15, 1999
3:59 am
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Punch
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Dear Stella
I know where you're saying. I've gone though alot of the things you've experenced in childhood, being picked on and belittled until there's nothing left inside. Like youself I've spent my entire life struggling with feelings of self-hatered and worthlessness. There's not much I can do to help you find value in your life, like it or not this is a personal fight, except to let ypu know you aren't the only person out there with such feelings. Punch

October 15, 1999
3:43 pm
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stella
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cheers for all the support everyone - it makes it easier to knw that people understand, but how do you make other people understand? I am feeling a lot better today - I guess thats the way it goes - in troughs and peaks. I am actually a lot better than i was, believe it or not. Some days it is easier than others. I don't know what you think, but how about using each other as a sounding board? Where bounce ideas off each other as to how to cope? I haven't quite managed to get there yet, but today I fel as though I am opn my way a little more. Tomorrow I may not but I kow that when i am feeling ok that this is just life! Its weird. It's lioke feeling as though there are 2 different sides to you some days. You can see why you feel like this(so down) but on others you can see the other side of the coin. How do you make the other side of the coin work for you more often?

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