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What now?
February 4, 2004
3:40 pm
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bw
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I have been in a codependent relatonship for a year. My boyfriend had a secret that he kept from me for most of the year out of fear. His secret fear turned out to be not true but he is still healing from it. I have been in counseling and I am working to overcome my codependency (low self worth, controlling others,denial, fear). he also has acknowledged his codependency. For the last three months, he has been back and forth about knowing if he wanted to be with me or not. He was afraid of our relationship and he wondered if he would be better off with someone else. He also sensed that I was trying to control him out of my own fear. I didn't realize it until about two weeks ago. Living in denial, I tried to hang on to the relationship I thought we had before I found out his secret. He lived in reality and saw how our relationship had been completely unhealthy from the start and he was so sorry for not being honest. I finally woke up and was able to face reality and get angry at him for lying. Now, it is hard because I have forgiven him but we are not really seeing each other. I know he is healing and sorting through a lot of stuff. We are both in much healthier places than we were when we entered our relationship. We both really care about each other and we have been able to have really good, honest converations about what happened. I would love to have a healthy relationship with him. When is it possible to try again? When is it dangerous to try again? How do you know when you can trust someone again? How do you know what you can handle without being hurt?

February 4, 2004
4:04 pm
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Anonymous
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The only way you will know is by how your mind and emotions let you know. If you can feel that you can trust someone, then go with that, but that takes time

February 4, 2004
4:17 pm
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bw
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Thank you, Aces & Spades. Healing does take time. I am learning about taking responsibility for my own codependency and the unhealthiness it has brought. But, I know I must also take responsibility for my own heart and protect it. I have a problem with boundaries. I just hope I can know when I am letting good in and keeping bad out and vice versa. I also have to learn to trust myself and my own feelings.

February 4, 2004
5:01 pm
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Anonymous
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That is the best thing you can do, trust your feelings, because if you don't trust them, you have nothing to go on, and you don't want that. The hardest thing though is when your feelings conflict with what you know is right and wrong.

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