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October 6, 2009
7:53 pm
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rubytuezday
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From my mother:

"I have been a good mother very supportive even when my kids have not deserved it. I have stuck by them. My kids need to honor me by staying close to me."

I decided to live in a city 7 hours away for good opportunities, a full colorful life- Im happy, supporting myself financially, healthy and she cant stand it.

So instead of being happy for me-

she guilt trips me.

I've been trying to be nice, empathetic, and understanding- but she is just being negative and selfish.

HELP!!!!!! I dont know what else to say to her.

All I know is I am not going back- anytime soon. Im happy! My life is finally coming together. Things are really making sense finally.

October 6, 2009
8:39 pm
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fantas
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Rubztuezday,Oh that had to be frustrating. I'm not sure this is the way to go but I wouldn't respond to the e-mail. Perhaps you can visit her every couple weeks or months. She will get used to it. She may not be able to articulate correctly, but there must be a part of her that feels abandoned. It isn't your duty to fulfill her. Is she healthy and well, does she have a job, hobbies, friends, Are there other siblings and are they close?

October 6, 2009
8:44 pm
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haythere
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rubytuezday

I'm a mom, and I know how I felt when my daughter left for a year to London (we live in California), I missed her terribly, but it never occurred to me to put a damper on her fun adventure. The only time I got a bit huffy, was when I didn't hear from her, you know an email once a week with an update or something. Kids are entitled to life of their own, thats part of raising kids, letting them go.

Good for you, on your own, living the life you want! I'm sorry to hear your mom is not more supportive of that.....she maybe suffering from empty nest syndrome, or maybe she just never developed a life and interests beyond her kids. To be a bit harsh, thats her problem, not yours. Perhaps that one of the reasons you moved so far away, mom was smothering you?

I think keeping in touch is a good thing, so long as it doesn't make you crazy....the text was out of line, but probably how she was feeling, sorry for herself. Empathy is nice, but maybe she needs a reminder that there are other things besides her children. Have you encouraged her to call friends, join a group, enroll in a class? She must have some interests outside of home and children......can she afford to travel?

You are not responsible for your mom's happiness, she is. So be kind to her, its hard for alot of parents to have their kids move away, there is an adjustment period. But don't let it interfere with your life, you are entitled to your happiness too.

October 6, 2009
8:48 pm
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autumn128
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I would ignore that text. Only respond to her if it is something positive, not negative. Yes, you should call and stay in contact with her. However, if she starts to get huffy with you, just politely get off the phone. Sooner or later she will get the hint.

As a parent, she should want what makes you happy. She should be proud of you for doing so well! Stay strong and true to yourself.

Autumn

October 6, 2009
8:50 pm
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rubytuezday
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Shes perfectly healthy, has a job, is married to my father, not any real hobbies, she has friends, and one sibling still lives at home and the other just moved away.

I resent her so much for this. SO MUCH.

It makes me angry- why cant she just stand on her own two feet- and stop trying to make me the sourse of her happiness?

Its completely ridiculous.

I keep telling her all I want is for her to be happy-

It makes sense why I get into these f'd relationships with ppl who like to guilt trip me and try and make me responsible for their unfullfilled lives.

Im single for the first time in a while- got out of a relationship with an addict- Ive been reading this book by a woman who loves to reference Aristotle- Aristotle is all about taking responsibility for your own happiness-

If I didnt go through that bad relationship, then I wouldnt have sought out that book, then I wouldnt know the difference between a healthy person and a nonhealthy person- these days I am MUCHO protective of my happiness-

Doing well with it too! Now she needs to learn. When she cools down- then I'll tell her to read aristotle.

October 6, 2009
8:56 pm
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rubytuezday
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BTW thank you for your reply it really helps hearing from another mother- it makes me okay for getting alittle upset at her. I just text back all I want is for you to be happy, I love you and appreciate you.

Thats all I can say to her.

She must learn to take care of herself mind/body/soul!

I'm learning. Its all about a positive attitude-

October 6, 2009
10:43 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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My mother had a similar reaction when I moved far away. She eventually got over it. It's been 15 years, and maybe once a year she'll say something about me being so far away, but it's toned down from guilt trip tone to more of a "I wish we lived closer" tone.

But wow, were we (BOTH) mad about it for a while! And I got plenty of the "I sacrificed so that you could have so much, and this is how you repay me?" lines.

Good mothers get over it, eventually. There's lots of love inside and some insecurity too, but eventually it works out.
Just hang in there, keep being healthy for both of you, and things will just keep on getting better and better.

October 7, 2009
10:35 am
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atalose
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Ruby,

Sounds like your mother is very codependent as well! I understand your anger and frustration.

My mother used to use guilt on me all the time, it worked because she always ended up getting me to do what she wanted.

One day after one of her guilt trips, I calmly asked her why she felt the need to use such a un-loving, un-caring WEAPON against me. Of course that started her on the roll of being defensive and twisting and justifying her ways but at least I put it out there on the table and gave her something to think about.

Other times I would ask her how it made her feel when such a weapon was used against her, how did she like it?

My mother no longer uses guilt!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 7, 2009
12:34 pm
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StronginHim77
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I am a mom. My sons are nearly 25 & 21. The older one is engaged and will be moving pretty far away (about a nine hour drive?) because the law enforcement agency planning to hire him will transfer him out of this geographic area.

Will I miss him? Sure. Did I jump up & down with excitement, sharing his joy at the news of this career advancement? YES!! We cannot hold onto our children. It's just plain wrong. My sons will always be at the center of my heart, but I raised them to be independent and follow their dreams.

I am responsible for meeting my OWN emotional needs...not draining it out of my adult children.

I am sorry that your mother doesn't grasp this yet. But don't let her control you or lay a guilt trip on you. It is natural, normal and healthy for you to go wherever your heart, your career, your life choices lead you. She should be cheering you on...not clinging to you and whining "what about me?"

Hope this helps. You are a great person. You don't need this ridiculous guilt trip.

- Ma Strong

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