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WHAT is with everybody in this world...WHY do these things happen over and over and over?
January 31, 2005
3:46 pm
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on my way
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Every one, 80% of the threads are about men not calling, and women trying not to call. WHAT is going on here? Don't you think it odd that the whole world is going through this?...the whole world...literally.
Come on, we can figure this out if we put our heads together!! Incredible!

January 31, 2005
4:22 pm
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memphis
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Dear On My Way

If you figure it out let me know. I am part of that 80 percent.

January 31, 2005
5:00 pm
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on my way
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me too!

January 31, 2005
5:02 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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And anyone who has been reading my posts knows I'm one of the 80% as well.

January 31, 2005
5:02 pm
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whitelight
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I heard about an episode of Operah where she had an "expert" on who told us women not to settle for crumbs. He told women in the audience who shared their sad stories, "Hey, the guy just isn't that into you. Move on and fine one who is."

Let's not settle for crumbs and waste our time. We deserve the whole cake, frosting and all.

Big loves going out...

January 31, 2005
5:07 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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whitelight,

That advice sounds great in theory, but it's not reality. If it was that easy to "move on and find someone that is" wouldn't we all be moving on instead of going through this hell?

I believe that if you truly love someone, letting go can take a long, long time for some and not so long for others. Unfortunately it would appear that I take a long, long time.

January 31, 2005
5:28 pm
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on my way
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But some of the nicest men from what I have read offer crumbs, and then stand back and say "What happened?" I mean really! Nice people get together, nice people fall in love, what happens, what goes wrong?

January 31, 2005
5:40 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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OMW,

What do you look for in a man you would like to date? Who is your ideal?

January 31, 2005
5:40 pm
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addicts wife
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I dunno... I went to a friends Birthdsy dinner last night, after my first couple days of finding this web site, and as I looked around, I saw ____ withher boyfriend who is a heroin addict (n recovery... ________ whose husband Is an alcoholic, ______ whose ex was an abusive, all around addict, if he could put it in his body he did, ) whose present new "wonderful boyfreind" is neverw/o a beer in his hand,_____ whose husband prefers Prescription pills for fun, ________ whose ex WIFE who IS an ABUSIVE alcoholic, _____ who's husband verball belittles her at every opprotunity... and theres me, who is with a "recovering" crack head. They all say they will call, becasue they dont know how else to end a sentence, I SWEAR that's it sometimes. And we , wait for their call instead of filling our days with whatever it is we're supposed to , or would like to do... Its like our world stops until the phone rings again, and theirs keeps on rapidly rollin on' (or so,mething... I Dunno.

January 31, 2005
5:45 pm
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Anonymous
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I think it's about realizing that we do not have control over other people and that no matter what we do, things will happen how they are suppose to. I really don't see how this crap is beneficial to sit around and mope, but then again, if we don't get it out of us and process it, then most likely we will have a hard time walking away.

January 31, 2005
5:56 pm
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on my way
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PL, in answer to you rquestion, My ideal...intelligent, independent, both feet on the ground, good sense of humor, open minded to a degree, kind, but takes no bs, a ggod communicator, honest, integrity, fidelity is important, believes in God, takes responsibility for his actions, financially stable, realizes that I am independent and that he is not my whole world, and that I do not need to be his...but I like to be spoiled and treated very special..and someone who does not confuse sex with just being friends!!

January 31, 2005
6:01 pm
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whitelight
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Yes, Hurts..., you are quite right. The men that made me most crazy and that I chased after were the ones who only gave me crumbs.

You are also right in saying that my advice is (often) not a reality. What I have found is that ones who really are...or I guess, WERE into me, were not as interesting to me as the ones who weren't. God only knows why this is so. Maybe we value what is difficult to attain and do not value the jewels that lay at our feet.

And, on my way, even the men who ARE into us, often find other things to do once we are married to them. Yes, yes, yes.

All we can do is keep growing and remain interesting to ourselves and others.

I appreciate what everyone has posted here; particularly Aces & Spades.

Thanks all.

January 31, 2005
6:08 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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whitelight,

I wasn't implying that your advice wasn't reality, I was referring to that "expert" you had seen on the Oprah show.

January 31, 2005
6:08 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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There's nothing wrong with that. That's a fine ideal too. My next question is what are the men you are attracted to like?

Are they passive, assertive or aggressive?

Do they pay a lot of attention to how good they look?

Are they the life of the party?

Do they ask a lot of questions about you?

Do they talk about themselves a lot, playing up what a good person they are?

Are they interested in what you say or can you tell they are drifting off while you're talking?

January 31, 2005
6:19 pm
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on my way
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To answer these questions:
He is assertive in his private life, aggressive adn assertive in his business life. And someone who knows how to relax on a Friday night when the week is over.

Yes,he pays alot of attention to how good he looks, i.e. well kempt, clean,but not conceited. But also knows how not to sahve if he does not feel like it, and can feel comfortable in a pair of jeans and tennis shoes.

Does not have to be the life of the party, but can take care of himself in a social situation. Has enough class to know when to enter into a conversation and when not too.

Yes, he is interested in asking me questions about me as well.

And yes, if he is interesting I love to listen to someone talk about themselves, share who they are, what they like, what they have read, and compare ideas, thoughts, etc.

No one has ever drifted off while I am talking...
why these questions?

January 31, 2005
7:41 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Why Questions?

Sometimes, in what we identify as "good" traits we find bad people. I'm trying to get a picture, from your point of view, about who your ideal man is.

In the late '70s, a psychology researcher was doing research on Psychopaths. She put an ad in the local paper that read something like "Seeking the strong, independent, but sometimes impulsive. Are you good at handling people and looking out for number one?"

She wound up with a room full of psychopaths. (Approx. 80%)

This doesn't seem like what you are doing, even inadvertently, but I'm sure more will be revealed.

So, I read something in another post and I want to clarify that we are talking about a guy who may be receiving threats from your (ex?) husband?

January 31, 2005
8:16 pm
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hopyhoo
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On my way, I am not sure if I am getting what you are saying, but definitely I thing that “we, women” need to put our heads together and brake the cultural barrier of being the weakest sex ones and for all ,(stop competing with each other! ,Which I don’t understand why some woman do it!!!)Because is not fair! For future female generations or us!
(may sound corky ,but I really know rest this in our society and really bothers me!) that’s why I am going to do the best I can to better my self ,so I can do my share .

January 31, 2005
11:32 pm
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on my way
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PL, for anonymity sake I cannot be too open and honest about what my ex-husband, did, maybe still does. My ex-husband even according to my sons, is obsessed with me, cannot forgive me for the divorce 6 years ago. I divorced him. My ex lives in Florida, and inspite of the distance between himself and me, and the person I used to date, he has done some very horrible acts to try to sabotage my relationship with this person, as well as try to damage this person's clientele, business, and has played some tricks on him. Hey I think my ex is possibly the psychopath here?? Unfortunately I only was made aware of this a few months ago. The man I dated, we had our own issues that we did not work out, but he knows about what my ex did to him. He could sue in a minute, but he won't. Other things have happened that I won't go into. So on the other thread after thinking about all of this again, I got upset, becasue the reality is, even if we (my friend and I) were to see each other again, God only knows what the ex would do. He is the type person, who hides behind church, and is now a "wonderful" volunteer for a local Fire Department. SO I try to put this behind me, when all I really want to do is call my friend and say hi, or send him an email and suggest we meet for dinner. I can't imagine him wanting to get tangled up in this mess again though. I don't think my friend is a psychopath, but my ex husband is "out there" mentally.

February 1, 2005
4:29 pm
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This *does* happen alot, but something that needs to be acknowledged is the fact that this IS a codependent website, meant to help work through codependency. And I do believe there is alot of progress. Aces & Spades said that this is our space to process our feelings nad thoughts, and I believe that's why so much so-called "moping" comes out of us here on this site.

In all of the posts, I find men and women who have alot of inner strength. Having a space to release their frustrations, confusion, and other thoughts enables space for them to clear their minds, and focus more on themselves for a chance. Being smothered or consumed by despair in troubled relationships, having a non-judgemental space to free yourself is so theraputic, and I speak from my own experience in that.

The reason I wanted to post on this thread is because I feel this is something that really needed to be said. Sometimes people may post something, just to get it out there, without having to censor it or label it or revise it. And in that, our impression of them might be colored, perhaps tainted in a way, from that person's true self. Some judgements unfortunately may be made. But I think the truth is that they are strong, just simply for having the guts and know-how to get onto this site and express themselves.

I have felt strange posting at times because it makes me feel vulnerable to share my life, share my feelings, with strangers who hardly know me. But it is also very liberating in a sense. To just throw it out there, to share with someone else, and allowing them to share a spot in your heart.

So I wouldn't really say that there are tons of people all over the world who are waiting by the phones. I think that there are tons of people all over this website who are working towards bettering themselves, and need an outlet to release the tension they experience when they go through this struggle. So write on, people! Anything and everything. We are all here for each other, and I hope that we can all stand beside each other in supportive and caring ways.

Peace to you all.

Refuse2GiveUp

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