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What is the point without a relationship?
November 10, 2005
12:29 am
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Dawn78
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Hi I just ended a relationship 2 weeks ago and I am already looking for another one.
I am in recovery for many different things such as drugs and alcohol..about 16 months sober. I am already trying to fill this whole inside of me with another boyfriend. I am not sure what the other side of healthy looks like. I am really confused and just want to be with someone to fill ok.
I know I am codependent and I know I need to not be in a relationship but what does a healthy me look like and what does a healthy relationship look like? I really need some input or someone who is on the other side that can tell me what it looks like. I am really struggling with this and I don't want to have to go through another heart breaking experience like all my past relationships. Can you help?

November 10, 2005
12:42 am
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AstralGlamour
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I think the basics of being a healthy you is to live your life for yourself, and not for anyone else. That doesn't mean to be self-centered, but just to treat yourself as lovingly as you'd treat whoever you're in a relationship with (if you're treating them well, that is!).

Also, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you're trying to fill yourself up with someone else. A healthier way to look at it is to fill yourself up with, well, yourself; and true love for your self.

Two halves do not make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. Two halves just fuck things up.

November 10, 2005
7:14 am
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lollipop3
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Astral.....

You said...

"Two halves do not make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. Two halves just fuck things up. "

That sums it up! Love it.

Lolli

November 10, 2005
7:27 am
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nvr2late
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It is difficult to go into another relationship when you skip over knowing yourself!
Give yourself some time and some space!
I did not think I could ever do that, but believe me it is the best thing I have done!
Don't rush....you have a TON of time to ensure you are going into a healthy relationship!

November 10, 2005
8:48 am
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CAMER
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love yourself first, b4 you can healthily love someone else.

I was alone for almost 2 years, no dating, nothing, by choice and had the best time of my life, got to learn more about me, and my wants and needs and had no one else to worry about, cuz i put myself first.

It's really not bad "not" being in a relationship, its how you look at it.

(((camer))))

November 10, 2005
8:50 am
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Dawn78
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Thank you for your help.
I am trying to get to know myself but it is hard. I guess it's just one day at a time with myself.
Appreciate it! 🙂

November 10, 2005
11:26 am
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kathygy
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There is a huge point wihtout a relationship. Life can be just as full and rich and sometime more so wihtout a relationship.

For me that point is developing a loving relationhsip with myself and my inner child. This way I fill myself up with me. I enjoy listening to my feelings, my thoughts and desires and taking care of me and my inner child everyday.

I am not currently in a relationship because I would rather be on my own than in a dysfunctional or destructive relationship. I am holding out for a healthy man who is available for a healthy relationhsip.

There are so many things in my life that I feel grateful for and happy about. For me my daily and weekend routine comforts me and gives me structure. It makes me happy to design and live my life the way that I enjoy the most.

November 10, 2005
2:55 pm
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artist 2
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Hey Dawn, try SLAA.org Sex and Love Addicts... go to a meeting. It might feel shameful, weird or other.. but, if you follow the steps, you will regain control over your life and feel OK being alone!

Take a break from relationships and develop yourself and find strength in being in solitude.

November 10, 2005
7:14 pm
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shyshy
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Dawn: I was having a really hard time when I first separated from my husband of 15 years. I wanted to run off and find someone else to replace him because I dreaded being alone. And that's exactly what I did. within a couple of months I had replaced him with someone else.

It caused a lot of major unnecessary drama for me. Mostly because of who he was but I know now that a lot of it had to do with the way I was acting. I was lost. I didn't know who I was and I was all over the place. He being so insecure and always so paranoid didn't handle it well.

Anyway, without babbling too much let me get to the point. I felt like there was no point in being alone. Couldn't stand it, didn't want it. Here I am, three 1/2 year later and I am really enjoying my alone time. I'm still dating that same guy but because he is the person that he is and likes his space I had room to grow and find myself again.

At the beginning I went out to clubs a lot, joined a gym, hung out at the bookstores, hung out with friends and did just about anything I could to stay out of the house and not have to deal with the fact that I was alone. Eventually I had to face it because even in a relationship, I was alone!!

I finally realized that all that "trying to stay out of the house" BS just brought me more drama. People I couldn't stand being with, didn't want to talk to, boring places where everyone was just into themselves, clubs full of men that just want to f--- you...........

I found peace at home!! I enjoy my hot baths, my tv shows and my good books and magazines. I spend time cooking and cleaning and just enjoying the scent of my candles and playing with my kids and my dog. I even enjoy taking on some home improvement projects!!

Take your time and do some exploring on your own and stay away from relationships. Men can sense when you are vulnerable and that is a big recipe for disaster!

Give yourself the time to find out what your likes and dislikes are and even let yourself feel the boredom or the lonliness from time to time. Because even though those times suck, it's better than being with someone who just drains your energy and causes all kinds of drama!

November 10, 2005
7:16 pm
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shyshy
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P.S.

I learned through being alone that I like going for long bike rides in the nice warm sun and around this time of year when the air is crisp and fresh I go for long walks and enjoy the blowing leaves and the smells and pretty colors of automn.

November 10, 2005
7:37 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Oh Dawn! Best wishes for your recovery and your life! I am in an abusive relationship and afraid to leave, so maybe I have no business jumping in here. But I fantasize about what I would do if I were free, as you are now.

I would love myself and take care of myself. I would think about what interests I have that I might like to develop. I would join clubs for those interests - maybe a book club, a hiking club, or a community theatre.

There must be something you have longed to be involved in. A bird watching club? A yoga class? An art class? A computer class? An amateur astronomers group? Something spiritual? Or maybe even religious? Search your heart. I know you have a special talent all your own.

The other thing I hope that I would do would be to reach out and develop healthy friendships, the friendships that I deny myself by continuing in this sick codependant marriage.

You say that you are codependant too, so that tells me that you have an enormous capacity to care for others and to give of yourself. You can do that in a healthy way!

Do you have any old friends you've neglected? Maybe you could work on some of those relationships instead of a romantic relationship for now.

With your caring heart, you might want to reach out and do some community volunteer work. Maybe serve meals in a soup kitchen, help shuttle elderly people to doctor appointments or do something more cultural such as volunteering as a docent at a local museum or historical site.

Eventually, maybe without even trying, you will find yourself in a new and healthy romantic relationship. Just love yourself and care for yourself a little first before you jump into something that might turn out to be as bad as what you just got out of. Give yourself the gift of time. Time for yourself. The rest will come.

November 10, 2005
11:27 pm
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Dawn78
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Thanks so much for all of your thoughts!!!! I am so thankful for women like you that can be so honest and wonderful.
This helps me a great deal!!!

I appreciate all your help!

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