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What is the first step to get out of a codependency relationship forming pattern?
January 20, 2007
4:01 am
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Kari1515
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I am new to this site and just realizing that I may have codependent qualities. I am just ending a five year relationship - the second long-term relationship that has failed for me (first was 20 years). Both relationships had similar charachteristics - the guys were "diamonds in the rough", in a sense - and I felt a need to "help" them through issues and get them back on track. However, when they got back on track, they both found other loves. I didn't choose to end either relationship. I didn't have alcholic parents, but was the oldest in a large family and maybe I feel the need to "mother"? Is this co-dependency? How do I make sure that I don't enter into this type of situation again?

January 20, 2007
6:54 am
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revelation
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Hi Kari,

I believe that we have a tendency to "rescue" or be attracted to guys we feel need rescuing because it takes the attention away from ourselves and our own insecurities and problems. I think the key is to be a little selfish and look for a change at how we can rescue ourselves. I think the key is learing to love and accept yourself...once we can do this, then we probably won't be so attracted to the ones that need to be fixed...we'll want more than that for ourselves...

January 20, 2007
11:37 am
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Giggles_29
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Welcome Kari, I agree with revelation. First we need to be happy with ourselves, than we can be happy with someone else. I have taken time for myself also, and changed what I needed to change for me, rather than focusing on my xbf and changing/rescuing him. It's amazing what you can do when you just focus on you. Remember, nobody will take care of your needs and wants, except you. 🙂
I think you are taking the first step in acknowleding that you may have codep qualities. It's all about changing our behaviors. Taking it one day at a time, little steps.
Good luck and welcome to the site.
Just take some time out to figure out what it is you want & need, and what you like and well just focus on you!!
Keep posting and best wishes.
@--]---- Giggles

January 22, 2007
10:17 pm
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sweetheart
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Hi Kari,
I have always done the same thing in my relationships. My past two relationships, one of them current, have been with drug addicts. I always strived to change them, and in some ways I feel like I accomplished that, but after I am stuck in a rough relationship, I always seem to wish that I would have went after someone who I thought that I deserved. I guess that sometimes when you meet someone, you feel like it would be an accomplishment if you could make them love you enough that they will change their usual ways. I am starting to learn that people don't change that easily.

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