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What is the definition of a healthy relationship
October 11, 2004
12:50 pm
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Anonymous
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What does it entail? Does it mean you spend a certain number of days a week with someone, does it mean you do certain things together, what are normal relationships like?

October 11, 2004
12:54 pm
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Cici
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I don't think they exist. I can think of maybe what "normal" is according to statistical distributions...

October 11, 2004
1:19 pm
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Dawg
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What I'm finding out is that two people communitcate well, share almost same thought process, and most of all, treat each other with love and respect.

October 11, 2004
1:27 pm
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Anonymous
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But how much time do they spend with eachother? What do they feel, I have never had it. I want to know.

October 11, 2004
1:57 pm
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Dawg
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Well, for me, its not the matter of time we spend together, its the quality of the time spent together and what you feel. If you feel strong in spirit and emotion, then you would want to spend more time together. But too much time together and you will get to a point and say okay, I need some space...

October 11, 2004
2:37 pm
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Anonymous
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Well I agree with that, let me give an example I was with mr. Jack for 10 months and in the beginning we spent like every day together, and then in the end we didnt spend a lot of time at all together, but we still had that same intensity, it was an unhealthy relationship but I just wonder what defines healthy anymore, no one seems to know.

October 12, 2004
4:28 pm
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stronger by the day
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I'm not totally sure that there is such a thing -- I certainly haven't had one. I have a friend who has what I would consider close though. They share things together, they are partners and they are coparents. They do even just the littlest things for one another --- they are thoughtful and think about one another. They take care of what needs to be done together. They have outside interests and enjoy being with one another. I am jealous and envious of them! I hope that someday I will find what they have.

October 12, 2004
4:43 pm
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Patarino
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I once had a so called "healthy" relationship. I watched it all go down the toilet in a spiral of drug abuse (her) and codependency (me). Now ... she is "clean" 4 months. But how do you get over it? How do you stop being co-dependent? How do you learn to trust the person again who has lied to you and hurt you so much?
Can my relationship be saved? Is it my fault if I can't trust her again?

October 12, 2004
4:44 pm
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Anonymous
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It is not your fault, trust is a speical sensitive thing that once destroyed takes years and years if even that to rebuild I once heard a saying it takes years to build trust and suspicion to destroy it. SO true.

October 12, 2004
4:51 pm
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Patarino
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Sooo true

October 12, 2004
5:00 pm
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Anonymous
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I think a healthy relationship as any type of relationship is one where you are emotionally and physically free. Free to be yourself, free with your own time, free to express your emotions, free to tell the story of your day without worrying if your partner/parent/friend will dissapprove. Free to ask if you are suspicious and want answers and trust those answers. Free to tell the person hey I need to be by myself/with family etc. without worrying about hurting the other person's feelings. Free to tell the other person what you honestly feel about their actions/behaviour/reality and know they won't take it as critisicm and the same for yourself. I believe whenever you feel like you can't be yourself, thats an unhealthy relationship.

October 12, 2004
5:07 pm
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Patarino
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Jeez Magga,
You just nailed the lid on my coffin! Free to be yourself. Wow, what a concept. I don't even remember who myself is. I have been looking and looking to no avail. The same holds true for my partner. She does not know herself "clean". This creates CONSTANT tension. How do I find myself? Where do I look? I have taken steps, gone to some therapy, gotten my own house, (we are still together, but not every night), I am trying to figure it out minute by minute but how do you know when to let go or if you should keep trying. The eggshells are smashed to dust at my house. Walking on them is no longer possible.

October 12, 2004
5:16 pm
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Anonymous
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Patarino,
I think you just get fed up one day. I remember the first time i left (sounds so pathetic... the first time???) but i will never forget that freedom I felt and that is the ONLY thing that is keeping me going, every day I feel more free. Today we were having a text war and I was called elephant today, and some definant "ambient abuse" going on. I called him on it and basically wrote back: Welcome back, I'm glad to see your being yourself again, don't try to belittle me and the manipulation, thats all your doing. I got silence after that. Call it like it is, don't be afraid. Show them their reality. And you will be free.

October 12, 2004
10:46 pm
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art angel
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I've also been wondering about healthy relationships....is it healthy and/or normal to talk to your partner everyday if you have been together almost 2 years? Or is that codependent? My ex b/f and I would see each other every 3 days or so, and I wanted more contact, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm codependent or if that is truly what to expect in intimate relationships.

October 12, 2004
10:51 pm
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Anonymous
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It depends, are you happy talking to him everyday? Is he? Do you feel obligated to speak to him everyday? Why do you have to speak to him everyday? To check in on him, is he checking up on you? I think its hard to say. I don't find it strange for a husband and wife to talk everyday but I personally wouldn't want that if it was just my bf. But maybe I'm a little off in that sense:)lol

October 12, 2004
11:47 pm
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art angel
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My ex and I would get together and have a great time, and then we wouldn't see each other for 2 or 3 days. And I'm wondering if it's normal to talk and/or see each other everyday if you are in a relationshp that lasts almost 2 years. Or is that my codependency issues coming out? I don't know what's normal either. It seemed to me that my ex had to "schedule" me into his life- I was a bonus.

So, my question is: was my feeling of being a "bonus" legitimate? Or was it just "I need you", "I am codependent, so my happiness lies in you and depends on your presence?"

October 13, 2004
1:38 pm
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Patarino
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I gotta tell you ... I don't see any problem at all with talking to your significant other every single day. If things are good, and you are in a commited repationship and you are sharing your lives ... together, then what is the big deal about talking every day. I don't think that is so bad, not bad at all but completely and positively NORMAL. I really do. I don't want to be in a commited reltionship with someone I only see every few days. I want a partner to share my life. If the other peron does not want the same that does not necessarily make them wrong but it may make you wrong for each other. I get so cunfused on this codependent thing. I am SOOOOO codependent I want to watch my patner pee. If I can then perhaps I can controls how much water she drinks ... heh!! Blah, blah, blah!! You are not a bonus, you are a person. you deserve to be happy. We all do. Look at it like it should be a bonus if he GETS to talk to you every day. I don't know your history and I am new to these threads but I am having a really hard time getting through today. I want to call and I can't. I will not get to hear the things I want to hear and I know it. It does not mean there is anything wrong with us ... we just need to find someone who WILL tell us what we need to hear when we call. (heavy sigh)

October 13, 2004
2:39 pm
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Cici
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Some people need more personal space than others. I found that I can't really live with my significant others. They have to have their own place. I talk everyday on the phone but don't necessarily want to see them.

Course I am about as healthy as the flu.

October 13, 2004
3:54 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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I have learned "if the relationship pushes you towards being a better person, then its the right relationship for you"

We often re-enact our troubled younger years in later relationships so that we can solve, heal and find closure within those aspects/patterns that hurt us when we were too young to understand or deal with it in a healthy manner.

If the person you are with invokes those feelings that you experienced as a child, then that person is presenting you with a gift.

Its up to YOU to see it for what it is and this time, learn, grow and heal that wound and become the person you were always meant to be.

blessings

October 14, 2004
5:59 pm
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veryconcerned
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A Healthy relationship depends on the man and woman involved. The first step to a healthy relationship is knowing what love is. Love is selfless. Love never fails it never keeps a record of wrong. It never dies out or fades away it is eternally consistent. It forgives and and is always faithful and always there for you no matter what. I am in love with the man who is LOVE He gave his life for me and I couldnt live without HIM. His name is JESUS !!!!!
For God so loved you that HE gave HIS only SON Jesus to die for your sins and just by calling on HIM you can be saved and experience HIS LOVE

October 14, 2004
6:22 pm
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brendalee
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Great post. Emperorsclothes, I think you are really on to something. Personally, I am not quite sure what a healthy relationship IS...but I can tell you what it ISN'T.....it's not feeling like you are walking on eggshells...it's not having to explain or justify yourself all of the time...it's not trying to control or change the other person or vice-versa, it's not about a blurring of boundaries where you don't know where you end and the other person begins and it's not about wishing that maybe in time....it'll get better. I really believe that you attract what you exude - that's why I am trying my damndest to get myself in a real good place so that I might attract someone likewise. In the meantime - I'm gonna go with something Linda Ellerbe said (Lucky Duck Films): Clean house, Trust God, Help others. (Well - that's my 2 cents for what it's worth!) Brenda

October 17, 2004
4:54 pm
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cityflyer
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Brendalee:

I couldnĀ“t have expressed it better myself. That is how I would have explained it. Feeling free, independent but together in a relationship. I went through all the symptoms of a "not to have" relationship.

We do attract what we do not have. Thta is unhealthy. We need to be complete not at halves, which is where dependency sets in. We do not grow really in these relqationships as we let the partner be responsible for providing what we do not have.

City

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