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What is the "Deal Breaker"?
February 22, 2007
12:10 am
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toorainbow
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Hi everyone! I'm new here, but have been doing a lot of reading and getting to know you in the past couple of weeks. I'm in a five-year-(whatIthoughtwas)committed relationship. I have known for the past two years that my partner is a sex/porn addict and have known all along that she battles to keep a drug addiction at bay. I caught her in an affair at the turn of the year and drew the line. I told her all that I knew and how I knew (my spying and snooping and her secretive, nonsensical behavior that prompted it). I told her that I loved her and wanted her, but just couldn't continue to live the way I had been. I knew that she was just acting out like always, but this time it was an AFFAIR and involved her heart. For the first time it wasn't a question of what she did with her own body. She really CHEATED me, and not just by ignoring my physical needs. I told her to get help or I had to go, for the both of us. I have been going to counselling to keep myself strong enough to stick to those guns and not progressively and systematically move my boundaries like I always have with her. Once in one of our sessions, my therapist asked me, "What is going to be the deal breaker?" I told her it would be when I felt COMPELLED to move my boundaries. I see that she is making amazing progress on the one hand, but think the deal-breaker has come and gone, on the other. She threw away all her porn of her own accord. She broke off all ties with her lover and showed me the text message the girl sent her trying to make contact. She stopped getting on the computer for a while, but now signs onto an account where the password is saved and has invited me to check her history trail. She doesn't go out to alcohol-serving establishments unless it is with me. She doesn't flirt like she did. She is picking up old hobbies to busy herself...I told her when I said I didn't want to leave but would if she tied my hands, "Please let this be your bottom. You don't have to lose the house, the car, the dog, and the girl to hit bottom unless you choose it." What are the chances that hurting me and almost losing me the FIRST time are enough to motivate her to really change? And if it's not, how do I ensure that I will get my things and walk out? I so wish there was a 12-step codependent meeting in my area! Please give me your thoughts. Thanks.

February 22, 2007
12:14 am
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toorainbow
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OOps! I left out the part that in spite of her "amazing" progress, she has still not seen a counselor nor gone to a 12-step meeting nor read any of the literature on self-help I got her for her problem.

February 22, 2007
12:18 am
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truthBtold
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toorainbow,

Welcome to this site.

There are many, many helpful and supportive people here.

All of us are on different levels as far as growth is concerned and you will be able to find many different perspectives.

But of couse, the most important perspective is yours.

I would say that you just have to "trust your gut" on this one.

Look deep in your heart for the answers and they are sure to come to you.

Your gut feelings will NEVER steer you wrong.

My thoughts are with you.

((((((HUGS TOORAINBOW)))))))))

February 22, 2007
3:20 pm
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atalose
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I don’t think any kind of addiction can be just gone without any kind of outside intervention. 12 step meetings, counseling, something has to be in place for recovery to continue. Just because one has stopped certain behaviors, drinking, taking drugs, etc doesn’t mean they have at all battled their addiction let alone over come it. If it were that easy there wouldn’t be such a thing as addiction.

Right now she’s stopped because she doesn’t want you to leave, doesn’t want the relationship to be over. But what about those old habits and behavior, what happens when that starts to creep back in, and they will? Without her receiving any kind of help via 12 steps, therapy, etc. etc. it’s just a matter of time before those old habits return.

I think you should really think about what you have discussed with your therapist about your boundaries being pushed and acting on any healthy goals you might have set for yourself. This is a temp solution right now to her problem, if you don’t set your boundaries now, when she crosses them and she will because she doesn’t want any out side out help, then what will you do?

We want so much to beleive in the addicts we love that this time will be the one that really makes the difference. I think what truebtold said about trusting your gut, listen to what's its telling you and you won't go wrong.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 22, 2007
3:45 pm
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lettingo
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First I want to say I second what alalose said regarding recovery. My husband is an alcoholic/addict and after every "slip" and relapse he would do all the right things and not want to lose me but he really doing the work. He really wasn't into recovery. He had done a lot of terrible things like steal my credit card, lie, forge my name on checks. The deal breaker after all this, is when he stole my jewlery. Believe me when I say addicts are very maniuplative and will say and do anything to keep you hooked. As for what is your deal breaker? Only you can decide when enough is enough. The very fact that you are still with her tell me you are dealing with your own addiction. My advice, go to alanon and read as much as you can about YOUR disease.

February 23, 2007
3:09 am
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toorainbow
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lettingo, atalose, and truthbtold,

thank you all for your insight. I feel like the behaviors will creep back in too and I am working on me. I just wish I had a meeting I could go to. I'm thinking of moving to where there is one...that's how badly I want it. In the meantime, I appreciate you being my support group.

February 23, 2007
1:41 pm
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lettingo
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toorainbow,
I believe you would get ALOT out of Alanon meetings. Aren't there any in your area? They seem to be everywhere. One of my therapist told me to try to get to three a week when I was in the thick of it. Right now I go to therapy and one alanon meeting a week. My divorce is final next month and I COULD NOT have done it without support. You should be very proud of yourself recognizing that this is "your" problem, not hers. Good luck!

February 23, 2007
10:03 pm
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atalose
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thats a great idea lettingo has, alanon meetings. If there are no co-dependent meetings in your area, try the 12 steps of alanon. Addiction is addiction no matter if it's drugs, booze or sex and addiction and co-dependency go hand n hand.

i'm glad you found us, I hope you stick around awhile.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 24, 2007
4:55 pm
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gracenotes
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toorainbow,

I am just putting in my two cents here. I agree with everything here, and especially am concerned that she has not gone to counseling or a 12-step meeting. Stopping the behavior is only the first step. BAut, that's like doing something without planting a firm foundation. It is very subject to falling over at any minute.

But, that'a only a small beginning. And, she is not 100% stopping the behavior for herself, she is stopping for you. If you had not asked her to stop, she would still be doing this. Am I correct?

Best to work on yourself. So many questions were naturally answered for me when I put the focus on working on me. There are some 12-step meetings online. I like your determination to move to find a meeting. That says a whole lot about your determination.

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