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What is so hard about self control?
May 13, 2009
2:05 am
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butterflykisses
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good evening.

Well, my husband says he is ready to come home - told me a couple of wks ago. I find it hard, after all the hurt, to really trust him - not about cheating or anything like that, but just about where he really is at emotionally and if he is really telling me the truth. My own insecurities.

Because I am feeling fear and insecurities, I told him that I had a fear that he was lying to me, that I hoped he was not lying to me and that this whole ranch thing, his family, him not talking to me for 3-4 wks in that time frame - that this all really hurt me.

I knew after I sent the message, that he would take it differently than I meant it. I was doubting his character. Why can't I just let it be, and try to let him prove himself to me?

Will I ever not attack with these character bashing comments? How does one have the self control to just let it be, and to quit worrying? And obsessing (this is better)? And the occasional anger and rage feelings? I know that all of this just makes things worse. So why do I put fuel on the fire? Why can't I just try to trust what he says?

How do you just "drop it" and have some self control over your emotions? I am someone that is VERY VERY patient, until that line is crossed, then I get angry. I go from excusing others from hurting me to anger. Can this be learned? How to not do this?

May 13, 2009
10:09 am
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_anonymous
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Butterfly- I dont know your story.
You say your husband says he is ready to come home. But, after all you have been through you might not be ready.

Trust is earned. Doesnt sound like this man has earned your trust.

Your feelings dont lie. Trust them. Listen to them. Be guided by them.

When ever some one causes you to feel the way you described insecure, untrusting, doubt, etc. your emotions are screaming that this person is not good for you.

If you really want these feelings to go away then do not go around the people, places and things that make you feel this way.

Dont ever put your hand out and let anyone lead you down the garden path.

You go from excusing someone to anger cause there is no excuse for someone to hurt you and you dont need to allow it. Cause allowing it is making you angry. Anger is your bodies way of telling you not to allow anyone to hurt you.

May 13, 2009
10:21 am
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glittered when he walked
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bfkisses,

ditto not knowing the specifics of the situation but try not to be bothered too greatly about self-control. I'll wager you control yourself on multiple occasions throughout the day on a host of issues and situations. You said you are normally very patient...is that not self-control?

We only get concerned about the things we wrestle with. If you've been hurt...what rational person wouldn't be a little uneasy about putting themselves in the same/similar situation anew? I don't think you just "drop it." I think we "manage" it. The very fact you are here thinking about your emotions indicates that you are managing them. In the end, all any of us can do is to do the best we can with what we have given the circumstances we are in.

May 13, 2009
11:37 am
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butterflykisses
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Good morning. Destiny, my situation is that I moved to a different location when my husband and I married. This was hard. Learning about myself, I think I have relied on him to provide me with all of my happiness, so I had some resentment when he couldn't always do that. i think I lost myself. With him being gone though, I have started going to the Y and doing some things for myself. Went to my first CODA meeting last night!

Then, he quit his job to start something new - that didn't work out. I am not upset about that anymore, because that is life. Things happen - and sometimes don't happen. And the economy has been terrible lately, I understand that.

He then went to work on a ranch that his brother managed. His brother was severe into his alcoholism, something no one really knew he was that far into. My husband had a really hard time with that, and instead of turning to me, he shut down. We didn't even talk for about a month. He's been there since January. He ended up taking care of everything, because his brother couldn't. If anyone knows about calving and ranching - it is a very big job to do. But instead of getting out of it, coming home and looking for a job, he stayed. Now, he is ready to come home. Says he didn't marry me to let it all be thrown away, nor adopt my son to give him a split family.

The whole thing has just really hurt me. I've been here at home taking care of everything at home, and he has been there. We haven't talked much, because he is so busy. I've gone to see him several times.

There have also been issues with our kids. Mine is 14 and his is 17. Both boys, and he hasn't been here. I know my husband likes ranch work, and it has been so long since he really was here, I have a hard time wondering if he really wants to come home, since he didn't do it earlier.

I feel like he is trying to find himself, which that is ok, but I've been hurt in the process - because of his family's alcholism and his reactions to it. He has always been the "family hero" especially for his mom.

That's my story in a small nutshell. I think too, that previous relationships have "scarred" me and make trust hard to come by. When it is tested, I feel it is even harder to trust. Part of me wants to trust that he really does want to come home, and give him the time to do that. Part of me is afraid of being hurt again. Of having my hopes set up, just to be torn down again. Because of that fear though, I sometimes say snippy things, not really saying my true feelings. That has never been easy for me to do. I just let them slide. I wish I didn't say those snippy, snappy, things. I guess that is the self control I am talking about. Why can't I just say what scares me, or what makes me mad?

May 13, 2009
11:52 am
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butterflykisses
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Oh, also, with our boys, in the short almost 3 years we have been married, both of our kids have had to be flown to Denver for emergency surgeries. That is how we started our marriage. It makes a stressful start - maybe that is what you call life.

May 13, 2009
4:10 pm
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glittered when he walked
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bf kisses,

Jeez, if my partner didn't contact me for 3 or 4 weeks I'd be hurt and angry too. I'd want some answers at least...who wouldn't?

The character questioning...well..we are what we do, not what we intend or say. What I would like to talk about were I in your shoes would be:

Why did this happen?

Do you understand and appreciate how it made me feel?

How do we ensure this won't happen again?

Once those questions would be answered/discussed it would be a lot easier for me to move forward on re-establishing/regaining trust.

May 13, 2009
10:16 pm
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Anonymous
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You seem to be pretty good about it, from what I've read of your post!

Someone who has self control issues have raging crazy fits! I haven't seen you mention that so far!

May 13, 2009
11:37 pm
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fantas
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Bitsy,

Not only were you right in confronting him, you are right in being weary of his intentions. It seems like since you've been married, he hasn't really been present. I mean, leaving months at a time and leaving his child behind for you to take care off? To me this is reckless and taking advantage of you.

There are many people who work away from home but they always find a way to see each other. The whole thing should have been discussed and plan by both of you. His child must really miss him and be upset. I think you should some sort of plan about your future, his intentions and plans, before he comes back.

My thinking is he is running away from the ranch. Something must have happened and he knows that he can come back home if he says what he did about marriage and children. I mean, what made him not ready to come home in the first place? How do you know he wont do that again? He quit his good job, failed at a business, moved away for months,what is going to stop him from doing some this outrageous again?

I hope he will be an awesome husband and father, but I highly doubt it. His past doesn't suggest this.

All the best!!

May 13, 2009
11:40 pm
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fantas
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Butterflykisses, Sorry, I called you Bitsy!! I had just read Bitsy's post.

May 14, 2009
3:43 am
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butterflykisses
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Fantas,

Thank-you. I think I am realizing the truth, but just trying to find some hope out there. And thinking that if I just kept my stupid mouth shut, that he'd respond differently. Which in fact, he probably would, but that is no excuse. He has a lot of proving himself to me to do. Why was he not like this when we dated? He was at a job for 9 years? Stable, went to church with me. Why and how can men consciously do this? I don't get it.

My counselor says to take advantage of this time he has been gone to work on myself, and I have been. I am reading co-dependent no more. I had to quit for a while. Very draining. And also reading Women who love too much. Great suggestions of books from this great on-line group. Never would have saught them out without this group!

I'll keep plugging away and try to write things down before I spout out comments. I guess the communication takes practice like everything else.

He has lost my trust and once again, I often feel like men are weak creatures and cannot deal with life like us women can - please no offense to those men out there. Just talking out of hurt. And I guess out of my co-dependent personality that finds the real winners. But seriously, when us single parents (I still consider myself one - was for almost 12 years) come across problems, we cannot just walk away. We have to struggle and keep living life.

I had told my counselor that I was afraid that by the time he came around, it might be too late in my book. I hope he will choose to go to counseling with me. This is my first marriage - have had several relationships, but first marriage, and first man to live with (other than the three's company arrangement in college). And I am 36, so I'm sure I do things too. but not to the extreme he has. But anyway, I come from a Christian home (my dad was a minister) and I don't believe in just giving up. But I can't fight for this marriage all by myself anymore.

How does everyone else practice communicating, saying what they really want to, without saying attacking comments that just causes arguments? I think I am passive aggressive. I will put up with SO much, then when I've had it - watch out! (oh, by the way sydney, he has to buy a new alarm clock and a few new shirts. did you know if you keep hitting an alarm clock against the closet bar, it eventually will completely fall apart!! LOL. And, once during this I thought I broke my hand!!)

Well thanks to all on this site. I know I have asked questions before, but fairly new, so please forgive me for repeating myself as I try to figure this all out, and try to find me again and some answers within myself.

May 15, 2009
11:20 pm
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_anonymous
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Butterfly- The one thing that I noticed is that you two dont live together. You cant work on a relationship if you are not together.

Trust is earned. You cant trust what someone says only what they do.

Communication and relationships definatly take some skills.

Our emotions usually prevent us from communicating appropriatly. Cause we want to say things that people will approve of instead of what we REALLY feel.

With your husband it sounds like you may be loyal beyond reason. Doesnt sound like he deserves your trust right now.

Usually our communication style and our interpersonal relationships reflect our state of mind. Once you work on yourself and get fixed and whole you will gain the confidence to ask for what you want.

It all takes time. Be patient.

May 20, 2009
6:28 pm
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butterflykisses
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Hello everyone - well, my hubbie was supposed to come home Saturday and he didn't. I was very upset. I called him and left about 15 nasy messages about how he needs to wake up, he's about to lose me, he needs to step up to the plate and be a man, that his brother's alcholism, while I know is terrible and it affects him, it is not my fault nor either of our kids' faults, so step up and be a man!

Well, later he finally answered the phone and I yelled at him some more - some of my true feelings that I have been storing inside. I felt better, and I think he actually listened a little.

While I know change cannot happen quickly, I believe it can happen. I'm just trying to work on me.

Anyway, I went golfing Sunday with another brother of his, and on his way home, his car just caught on fire and he was in the hospital from burns! So, I saw my husband there.

Today, I had a procedure done to myself, medically, and he came home, took me to my appointment and brought me home. I was glad of that. But, I also told him I wanted him here.

One thing I know that I have done, part of my new found co-dependency, is I never tell anyone what I want. I did this time, and it worked. I didn't tell him what I wanted by being manipulative, putting on a guilt trip, or anything. Just point blank told him. And it worked! We were able to talk some today too.

Slowly but surely. Oh - and I have made it 2 wks in a row to a CODA meeting. I will keep going.

And this group is really great. I really find help in reading everyone's posts and being able to post. Thanks!

May 20, 2009
11:39 pm
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balancesekr
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hi butterflykisses,
wanted to to commend you on expressing your feelings and asking for what you need. It takes courage. CODA meetings are great. I haven't been to one in such a long time. It really helps though, it cleanses you, it helps you hear yourself, and see yourself. keep posting. hope to see you on another thread.

May 21, 2009
11:29 pm
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butterflykisses
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Balancesekr - thank-you. I feel really good the past 2 days. I think part because I got to express some of my anger the other day, and that I actually told my husband that I wanted him there for me yesterday when I had my procedure done.

In the past, I would have said, no, you don't need to come, to him, so he wouldn't have, and I would have been thinking - you are such an a-hole. I didn't tell him right away if I wanted him to come with me. I took time to think and went to a CODA meeting, then told him. I cannot believe how good just THAT made me feel!

Last night he called me and we talked for about an hour! Something we haven't done in a LONG time. We talked about us, about each other, our relationship. I talked about my step-son and how worried I am about him - and he is too. He was open to counseling for him, but doesn't know how his ex will go for that. But, he lives with us so...

He also said that he is going to move a bunch of stuff home this weekend (for those of you that haven't seen previous posts of mine - hes been working on a ranch since January).

One day at a time. We both said that this might take longer then either of us would like, but we both are willing to work on this relationship. I didn't realize before how much my co-dependency played into my unhappiness at times in this marriage. I hope I keep getting stronger. I think my previous emotional abusive relationship really makes me clam up and expect the worst - and it was completely over 2+ years before I even met my husband.

Anyway, this is such a great place to express oneself.

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