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what is really wrong?
July 9, 2007
5:02 pm
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Anonymous
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i have never dated and never been asked to be in a relationship with a guy. I am starting to think that something is wrong

July 9, 2007
5:27 pm
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Antagonist
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What kind of guys are you dating?

July 9, 2007
5:40 pm
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turnabout
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I don't know that there is anything "wrong" with that, but if you want things to be different, there may be some changes required.

What do you think gets in the way?

July 9, 2007
6:05 pm
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fantas
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How old are you? Have you ever asked anyone to date you? why do you think that is? Have you met anyone you wanted to date?

There is nothing wrong with you. You have probably been spared a lot of drama. Keep us posted.

July 9, 2007
8:55 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Single,

Its difficult to give advice without knowing a little more about your situation...

but it isn't wrong to be alone- for some people it is the best thing. I have a friend in her 50's who has never been in a serious romantic relationship and has only had a few ackward dates. She hasn't had the time or desire to explore this side of life. She is too busy with volunteering, work and church. That is what makes her happy and she is a wonderful productive happy person.

If being in a romantic relationship is something you want and are just needing help overcoming obstacles to reach your goal, I am sure there is lots of support and advice out there for you. Just post a little more and we will be happy to help.

Chelonia

July 10, 2007
11:10 pm
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Anonymous
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hey guys thanks for the responses. I am a first timer to this and it is good hearing from you. I am 31 and I have never asked anyone to date me as I dont think its my place to ask. rather I shoulkd be asked. I am not the glamourous type and of course I am always busy studying,doing church work and other ministries which I enjoy. I enjoy doing these things and spending time with my family but they are all involved and I feel somewhat foolish not having ever been in the situation. It does not have to be romantic just the fact that someone is interested. Iwant to have a child someday and it seems ...

July 10, 2007
11:29 pm
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atalose
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single,

It may be a matter of you changing the way you think about asking someone out rather then waiting to be asked out. Friends make plans all the time with each other. If you start out with friendship in mind then what is so wrong with asking someone to do something with you. Don't look at it as a date but a fun evening out. Is there anyone in your church that you may want to think about asking to a movie or lunch?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 11, 2007
12:05 am
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If you are friends first, it will feel natural to invite someone to do something, you'll see. I am the most insecure person I know, and I've done it and had relationships that were pretty healthy afterwards. (I wish I could say that for all of mine). Ataloose is right.

You know what is worse than rejection? Feeling you wish you had tried. Believe me, the pain of rejection passes a lot quicker. Ever had one of those burning crushes that won't go away? You know what makes the obsession in things like that fade? ACTION. Even if it is just making friends with the person, getting to know them enough- sometimes they are not who you think anyway- then you move on from there.

I feel a little like a hypocrite, because I am on a major dating hiatus... but I have practiced what I preach. I don't think it's fair that women (especially) think that they have to wait around to be noticed and have some guy ask them out. It's also not fair to the men. Some men are shy, and might need to be met 1/2 way on this kind of effort. Why should they be the ones taking all the risks?

I almost wish I liked someone now. That kind of spice is fun, even with the disappointments and pain it brings. A healthy amount of passion injects your life with great energy.

-ella

July 11, 2007
12:03 pm
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turnabout
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First of all, what is this "glamorous type," and why does it matter?

Second of all, if your life is full, as it sounds like yours is, what does it matter that anyone else's has different things?

From these two things it sounds like you have a habit of judging the worthiness of your own life by comparing it to the lives of others, regardless of how fulfilling you find your own to be on its own accord. I never saw you mention any discontentment with yourself except by comparison with these other people. Now, what does that tell you?

Your last remark is telling, though. You want a family someday, but it seems out of reach? I know that feeling. It's very frustrating. I wonder how open you are, though, to letting that "someday" possibility be a present day possibility.

I'm with you on the idea that someone should ask you out rather than you asking (although I'm also with the others that using the old middle-school method of asking someone to join you and friends for some excursion can work just fine if you're trying to get to know someone), but it is still necessary that a person who wants to be invite-ed must make themselves invite-ing. We're not talking glamor here. We're talking about the little things that can let people know that love is welcome to enter your life. Do you make eye contact and hold it when you're interested in someone? Do you smile and make them feel welcome to talk with you? Do you flirt?

Do you sabotage yourself in the same way did? I used to be so afraid of rejection, I avoided doing all these things except with people who felt "safe", i.e. anyone I had no interest in, and therefore no fear of rejection. If your behavior isn't welcoming, then people presume you aren't interested and will not risk the rejection of asking you out. It may be their responsibility to ask, but it's yours to give them an opening, which is just the glimmer of hope that if they asked, you would say yes.

happy hunting!

turn

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